She's Still Attached

[Turkish]

I was in and out of the backyard, cooking dinner... I heard her call (special ring tone), but didn't rush to ge it. She left a message about not having enough underwear for S4 tomorrow when she drops him off at the neghbors. Asked me to leave some in the mailbox. Could have texted this, had to call me I guess. I texted back I did it... . if not for the kids I'd never want to contact her again, but I need to get over that and embrace reality... .

[Moonie75]

I just started a thread on this sort of not detaching mate.

I always, throughout the relationship, felt my ex couldn't let go of her ex husband. She didn't want him romantically, but seemed to feel a need to keep him enmeshed in her chaos. He wasn't educated on BPD like you though & was a total enabler to her!

My thoughts would be, if you're going to get a healthy level of detachment from her chaos, while maintaining the parenting stuff, you'll need some firm, VERY firm boundaries.

My ex's ex husband didn't have those, & mother of god did my ex take advantage of their lacking!

[MrFox]

I don't think pwBPD can truly detach.  My BPDmother has been divorced from my biological father for nearly 27 years and still can't truly let go.  She still keeps tabs on friends she cut out of her life over 13 years ago.  My exBPDgf can't let go of her ex-husband or any of her ex-boyfriends. 

I think it's because they never go through the grieving process that is needed to heal.  Instead, they stuff the pain away with booze, drugs, new relationships, social media, sex, etc.  Whatever it takes to keep the pain at bay.

Also, from what I have read they become so enmeshed with those that are close to them that they view these people as extensions of themselves.  Seems like it would be hard to let go of a piece of yourself.

[Mutt]

I just started a thread on this sort of not detaching mate.

I always, throughout the relationship, felt my ex couldn't let go of her ex husband. She didn't want him romantically, but seemed to feel a need to keep him enmeshed in her chaos. He wasn't educated on BPD like you though & was a total enabler to her!

My thoughts would be, if you're going to get a healthy level of detachment from her chaos, while maintaining the parenting stuff, you'll need some firm, VERY firm boundaries.

My ex's ex husband didn't have those, & mother of god did my ex take advantage of their lacking!

I agree with Moonie75. It's an attachment disorder. She is the mother of your children and that's all.

She chose to have a paramour, she made her bed, let her lie in it.

This is still fresh, it's going to take time to get adjusted. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, you could say, call for emergencies only, text, e-mail the rest. That's the way I've been doing it for 12 months.

[Turkish]

I just started a thread on this sort of not detaching mate.

I always, throughout the relationship, felt my ex couldn't let go of her ex husband. She didn't want him romantically, but seemed to feel a need to keep him enmeshed in her chaos. He wasn't educated on BPD like you though & was a total enabler to her!

My thoughts would be, if you're going to get a healthy level of detachment from her chaos, while maintaining the parenting stuff, you'll need some firm, VERY firm boundaries.

My ex's ex husband didn't have those, & mother of god did my ex take advantage of their lacking!

I agree with Moonie75. It's an attachment disorder. She is the mother of your children and that's all.

She chose to have a paramour, she made her bed, let her lie in it.

This is still fresh, it's going to take time to get adjusted. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, you could say, call for emergencies only, text, e-mail the rest. That's the way I've been doing it for 12 months.

It gives me a weird sort of... . I don't know... . pride? That's why I didn't answer the phone and let her leave a message, and then texted her back that I got the message. She really didn't have to talk to me! Must be lonely there at night by herself after the kids were asleep. I know it for what it is, though. I don't expect this to ever change, though I don't want her to go so far as hating me for the sake of the kids. Firm boundaries. I don't need to talk to her at all. Her behavior still disgusts me, though the anger isn't at the top of my emotions lately, thankfully.

I'll get the last little bit of her stuff out of my room before she comes one last time to the house, and close the door. She has no business there.

[Mutt]

It gives me a weird sort of... . I don't know... . pride? That's why I didn't answer the phone and let her leave a message, and then texted her back that I got the message. She really didn't have to talk to me! Must be lonely there at night by herself after the kids were asleep. I know it for what it is, though. I don't expect this to ever change, though I don't want her to go so far as hating me for the sake of the kids. Firm boundaries. I don't need to talk to her at all. Her behavior still disgusts me, though the anger isn't at the top of my emotions lately, thankfully.

I'll get the last little bit of her stuff out of my room before she comes one last time to the house, and close the door. She has no business there.

I can understand what your saying when you say pride. It was a long r/s and a friendship. As bad as things had gotten in the end of the r/s and as much resentment and anger I had for her, I missed her and I worried about her at the beginning of the separation.

I understand your not feeling anger. Are you feeling loneliness?

[Turkish]

It gives me a weird sort of... . I don't know... . pride? That's why I didn't answer the phone and let her leave a message, and then texted her back that I got the message. She really didn't have to talk to me! Must be lonely there at night by herself after the kids were asleep. I know it for what it is, though. I don't expect this to ever change, though I don't want her to go so far as hating me for the sake of the kids. Firm boundaries. I don't need to talk to her at all. Her behavior still disgusts me, though the anger isn't at the top of my emotions lately, thankfully.

I'll get the last little bit of her stuff out of my room before she comes one last time to the house, and close the door. She has no business there.

I can understand what your saying when you say pride. It was a long r/s and a friendship. As bad as things had gotten in the end of the r/s and as much resentment and anger I had for her, I missed her and I worried about her at the beginning of the separation.

I understand your not feeling anger. Are you feeling loneliness?

Meh. I was a loner before, it's not that hard to be something I was for most of my life. I do miss my kids. That is what feels so lonely in an empty house. I still do reach out here, with my friends (though they live hours away), now interacting with people at church (which is easier with kids). I feel a little less angry and sad each day though I accept that I may have replapses now and then. It's still so fresh. That call made me realize that I am actually in control, even passively, because she is not.

The Caretaker is still dominant. Hopefully not the Rescuer, though I feel him stirring around, too. I need to be alone for a while, I think.

[seeking balance]

I was in and out of the backyard, cooking dinner... I heard her call (special ring tone), but didn't rush to ge it. She left a message about not having enough underwear for S4 tomorrow when she drops him off at the neghbors. Asked me to leave some in the mailbox. Could have texted this, had to call me I guess. I texted back I did it... . if not for the kids I'd never want to contact her again, but I need to get over that and embrace reality... .

Believe it or not, there will be a time in the future where this won't even warrant a post because you will roll your eyes that kids' mom is just being who she is... . it won't feel so personal.   

Good job texting and good job just doing it and not creating any unnecessary drama