Mixed feelings about NC- will I ever hear from him again?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am trying (for the 5th time) to go No Contact.

My uBPD ex boyfriend hasn't contacted me in over 2 weeks and after agreeing that he would never contact me again. There is a part of me that is relieved. But there is a part of me that's sad too. It's the part that wonders if he's moved on, if he's found someone else, if I'll ever hear from him again... .

I must admit I got something out of it when he'd contact me telling me he can't move on, that he's still in love with me, that he can't enjoy sex with another woman because he's still so hung up on me, etc. There is that part of me that wants to think maybe we'll get back together some day, that something might change, that he won't be able to forget me.

Yet, every time we've had contact since we split up, I get my hopes up, he makes a bunch of promises, and then he backs out within days. I told myself and him that this last time would be the absolute last time I'd allow myself to be jerked around.

He lives 1000 miles away right now but hopes may be moving to my state for work within the next year. We've talked so many times about getting back together if he moves here down the road. How do I keep myself from holding out hope that he will contact me again someday if he moves here? How do I allow myself to move on and close that door forever?

[tango1492]

I am trying (for the 5th time) to go No Contact.

My uBPD ex boyfriend hasn't contacted me in over 2 weeks and after agreeing that he would never contact me again. There is a part of me that is relieved. But there is a part of me that's sad too. It's the part that wonders if he's moved on, if he's found someone else, if I'll ever hear from him again... .

I must admit I got something out of it when he'd contact me telling me he can't move on, that he's still in love with me, that he can't enjoy sex with another woman because he's still so hung up on me, etc. There is that part of me that wants to think maybe we'll get back together some day, that something might change, that he won't be able to forget me.

Yet, every time we've had contact since we split up, I get my hopes up, he makes a bunch of promises, and then he backs out within days. I told myself and him that this last time would be the absolute last time I'd allow myself to be jerked around.

He lives 1000 miles away right now but hopes may be moving to my state for work within the next year. We've talked so many times about getting back together if he moves here down the road. How do I keep myself from holding out hope that he will contact me again someday if he moves here? How do I allow myself to move on and close that door forever?

[seeking balance]

  Tango!

I am trying (for the 5th time) to go No Contact.

My uBPD ex boyfriend hasn't contacted me in over 2 weeks and after agreeing that he would never contact me again. There is a part of me that is relieved. But there is a part of me that's sad too. It's the part that wonders if he's moved on, if he's found someone else, if I'll ever hear from him again... .

This is a common reaction a lot of people have in any breakup.  Adding the loaded bond of a BPD relationship it is even more amplified.

So, why are you going NC - was it you or him?

I must admit I got something out of it when he'd contact me telling me he can't move on, that he's still in love with me, that he can't enjoy sex with another woman because he's still so hung up on me, etc. There is that part of me that wants to think maybe we'll get back together some day, that something might change, that he won't be able to forget me.

Oh, we all enjoyed the idealization phase of these relationships... . our own narcissistic supply is a drug - realizing this is not actually reality is a bitter pill to swallow.

Yet, every time we've had contact since we split up, I get my hopes up, he makes a bunch of promises, and then he backs out within days. I told myself and him that this last time would be the absolute last time I'd allow myself to be jerked around.

This is a more normal representation of what the relationship is - it is hard to accept, but it is the real picture.

He lives 1000 miles away right now but hopes may be moving to my state for work within the next year. We've talked so many times about getting back together if he moves here down the road. How do I keep myself from holding out hope that he will contact me again someday if he moves here? How do I allow myself to move on and close that door forever?

One day at a time, really.  The facts are if this is the type of relationship you want, well hold out hope.  If this is not a relationship you want, close the door and grieve... . feel the sadness.

Whether he moves there or lives 1000 miles away - the dynamics that were established are already there - that is the fact and is this the fact you want your forever to look like?

Keep reading, keep processing!  You will find many folks understand exactly where you are.

Peace,

SB

[tango1492]

Thank you for your reply. I did go NC for my own sanity.

In fact, I'm the one who left the relationship. Yet, as soon as I left, I was wracked with regret and self-doubt. I missed him so much and was so lonely, and then I wanted him back.

My head knows that I made the healthy choice in leaving. My heart still misses him.

When I left, I knew I couldn't live that way forever. He bought me a $4K ring while we were together and would have married me. But I told him that I thought we should wait to get engaged-- wait until our relationship was in a healthier place. I knew I could not commit to a lifetime of dysfunction and I really wanted to try to get things on more healthy ground first. But they never got better. Only worse.

Before I left, the ultimatum was that he had to commit to 6 months of relationship counseling with me. He refused. So I left. The last time he contacted me, he told me he quit drinking and that he'd commit to counseling with me. So I had my hopes up. Then a few days later, he told me he was in a deep depression, felt no connection to anyone, including me, and he didn't think he could be a good father or husband. Then a few days later, I saw his profile on match.com.

I just knew I couldn't keep putting myself through the push-pull.

But yes, there is still that part of me that wants to hope something could change one day.

I know that until I fully let go, I'll probably continue to suffer.

[seeking balance]

Thank you for your reply. I did go NC for my own sanity.

In fact, I'm the one who left the relationship. Yet, as soon as I left, I was wracked with regret and self-doubt.

Many of us here have felt this exact same way.

I found article 9 - very helpful in my attempts to detach.  Can you see any of the false beliefs that may be keeping you stuck in this article?

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

[glacier_glider]

How do I allow myself to move on and close that door forever?

It's not about allowing, it's more about forcing yourself to do so.

And then, after a while, it gets better and better and better.

Very gradual process with ups and downs.

[Changingman]

Tiny steps done everyday build strength, huge steps damage. As with exercise. It's all too much to surmount all at once, you need time. No contact will give you that time, it is like giving up any addiction, contact with the source opens up all the craving.

This is a real chance to change your life for the better, all illusions destroyed, all dreaming over, denial and delusion gone, enemy's revealed, demons identifiable, abusers revealed. You are now at day one the darkness illuminated, the sun rising, a new tide to sail. The compass points to... .


That's the journey, the only one really worth taking... .

The compass points to absolute you. All else is a distraction, a trap, a sirens call, a monster.

May God speed you there

[Free2Bee]

Take care of yourself - channel all of that love and care you were offering to him and channel it into your own self-care.

[emotionaholic]

Letting go of hope is probably the hardest thing to deal with.  You have seen this person you love at their best and also at their worst.  The best is what you long for and hope will stay.  The worst is what you know will kill you.

I had the NC order placed on me almost 9 months ago.  There have been just a couple of "happy birthday, and merry christmas" texts that have gone back and forth.  Just enough to keep the door closed but not nailed shut.  I have been here long enough to realize how unhealthy a relationship with a borderline is.  And though I still miss, love, and hope she will "see the light" and come back in a new healthier her I know that it is next to impossible for this to happen.

If you truely love this person then the best thing for you and him is to STOP.  Losing a loved one is just as hard if not harder for a borderline.  If you continue the on/off dance then all you are doing is enabling the behavior that continues the cycle.  Is there a possibility that things can work out in the future?  Ofcourse. But it can only happen when we work on ourselves and when the person with BPD reaches a low and seeks help on their own.  Continuing the dance will not allow either of these to happen.

It is hard but the best thing for each of you is to walk away.  I still struggle everyday and want to reach out to her.  I know I could chase her down and start this all over again but until there has been enough growth it will be the same as it always was push, pull, love, hate, euphoria, depression.  To me it is like being in love with a cancer patient that you love so dearly however their cancer will kill you if you go anywhere near them.

[love4meNOTu]

Letting go of hope is probably the hardest thing to deal with.  You have seen this person you love at their best and also at their worst.  The best is what you long for and hope will stay.  The worst is what you know will kill you.

Yes, it took a long time for me to give up hope that he would magically see that he was treating all of us badly, and change his ways. (i.e. Quit scaring us with the insane rages!)

Now this is funny... because no one knows more than me that you can't change people. Especially 45 year old men who have been married three times.

And that's the radical acceptance. We just have to accept that this person is not going to change, does not want to change, does not see in any way that they are hurting us (because we deserve it, right?), and does not care that the relationship is ending because of THEIR actions. It is truly THEIR fault, but they cannot see it. Too much projection, too many lies they tell themselves about us "attacking" them. It's the disorder.

Repeat after me... . it's the disorder. Accept. Accept. Accept.

blessings,

L

[janey62]

Hi Tango,

I feel for you and the pain you're going through... . I'm in such a similar place myself, with the hope and the missing and the sadness and then there's the memories of how wonderful it was.

There's also the memory ever present of how utterly hurt, confused and frustrated I so often felt.  I am on day 6 of not seeing my pwuBPD, after months of push-pull.  I moved away, left him after so many tries at being together.  He would be ok for a briefer and briefer period of time, then it all fell apart.

We tried the couples counselling, as you tried to, once only.  He refused to go again, and I didn't really want to.  It was horrible, having to go through the whole cycle of idealisation and degradation in front of a witness... .

It sounds as if you're undecided about the future.  There are a lot of 'what if's' in what you've written.  I hear you hoping against hope that things will change.  I feel like that too, keep dreaming about him showing up in 6 months, cured! 

I think I'm in the regret and self doubt stage too, although that comes in waves.  I'm also scared now I'm on my own. 

I'm not exactly NC, though the contact is less and less.  We both acknowledge that it is over and yet can't quite bring ourselves to let go completely.  The contact is not unfriendly from him, or me, nor is it reconciliatory, just a process of letting go... .

I've made my mind up that it's over, though my heart does waver sometimes.  We've had hundreds of restarts, always resulting in the same pain and confusion.  His cycles were every 3 days in the end with a lot of heavy drinking.  I won't go back there, can't, refuse to put myself in the way of any more hurt.  But it's sad.   :'(  I find myself crying a lot and feeling lonely.

I just believe, as Uncomfortably_Numb says, that it will get better.

Hang in there girl.  It has to get better.   

Janey xx