Now her parents are involved

[restoredsight]

She apparently contacted her parents. They, her parents and her, showed up today and just grabbed the baby saying they were going on a picnic. Dad was gruff. They said they were coming back, but I'm worried.

I know that the campaign has begun in earnest now. I don't know what to do to keep my head together. My son has been my only focus.

She owns everything. This computer I'm using, which I work from. The utilities are in her name. She has a vehicle. If this goes the way I'm thinking, then I'm wrecked.  

I don't know who to turn to for help. I don't have family. I don't have friends with means. Her sister is listening to me, but she's in FLA. I don't even know how to land on my feet.

[restoredsight]

Parents are back, taking the baby away to their home.

[seeking balance]

Hi Chad,

I don't know your history - but I imagine this all has to be very hard for you.

Do you have family/friends of your own to lean on?  Many attorneys will give a free consult - have you done this yet?

Peace,

SB

[catnap]

Or her parents realized what she was doing (running around, leaving the baby for long periods of time) and are trying to "fix" things. 

Though very hard to do, calm down.  Focus on what you an do to help your son and yourself.

Make copies of the birth certificate, son's ss card, and your marriage license

Check the county on-line records for criminal arrests, and print out any for the people she is hanging out with.  Along with any court records showing convictions.

Make copies of bank statements, utility bills, tax returns, lease or mortgage paperwork--back up with a thumb drive if available, mail copies to your sister for safekeeping. . . basically, you want to have copies of all this important paperwork before she destroys, hides or makes it unavailable to you.

[restoredsight]

Too late. She has everything. She had it collected for entrance to the navy. Im staying calm. her mom masterminded this, she does that.

[Deb]

When my dBPD sister snatched her youngest child from her dad, he was able to get an emergency custody order the next morning. You might hit the courthouse first thing tomorrow to find out what you need to do.

[restoredsight]

When my dBPD sister snatched her youngest child from her dad, he was able to get an emergency custody order the next morning. You might hit the courthouse first thing tomorrow to find out what you need to do.

Were there any extra circimstances?

She doesnt rage. She has no record.

She smiled the whole time I tried to talk to her. Not a bit upset about any of this.

Those guys she has been staying with helped her move! I had to stand with my hands in my pockets. She painted them as great guys. I even called her out about the drug dealing. She just denied it. I was outmanuvered and ruined.

They left a bag filled with his favorite toys.

[Deb]

Nope. He said she was unstable. But truly, from what I hear, the first to file for temp custody has the best shot. Others here may have better info, but you can give it a shot.

[PinkieV]

I have absolutely no clue about the law but if the baby is with her parents and she's not there shouldn't you be able to go get him?  You're his father. And yes go file for emergency custody ASAP.

[restoredsight]

I appreciate all of the encouragement and advice. I dont have a leg to stand on, she was the breadwinner and I was holding the baby while she was mobile. Im calm now. Her pattern in all things is to have a fantasy future of some sort, then she either doesnt follow through or is disappointed by the reality. This will be no different. In the meantime, I'm rediscoverin my friends and getting some support.

I think there was this implied threat because the utilities are in her name. I cant carry the financial burden until I have some catch up time.

She looked pretty happy through all of this.

[Waddams]

When it's a woman that's financially dependent on a man, the courts will often make the man pay the woman's expenses regarding divorce, etc.  Could that be an option for Chad since he's dependent on her? 

[marbleloser]

First,if mom is not in the picture physically,go file for emergency custody of the child. Parents trump grandparents every time! Second,if she's the breadwinner,then you've been primary caregiver to the child.That's huge in court! You're the one that's been both parents to the child while mom was out and about.

You can fight this and win.

[marbleloser]

Waddams,he can request she pay his atty fees,household expenses,etc.,, The clock's ticking and he better get started today!

[Waddams]

Overcoming our own inertia and emotional beliefs that we can't do anything right now is sometimes our biggest challenge in these situations.  I do believe there's an element of not acting sooner when we should that gets us stuck in these crisis situations to start with.  If we'd do something about it before it gets too bad, we could save a lot of trouble down the road.  In my county, we have to do these divorce/parenting class with every case filed.  It's always the same guy that teaches it (I've done it twice!) and he says we are where we are at the moment (in that classroom with him for that class) because we tolerated what we aught not have tolerated for too long to start with.  In other words, should have ended things before getting married or having kids with the other person.  I strongly believe that happens because lots of us can't overcome our own inertia due to our own issues until events kick us off the spot we've anchored ourselves to. 

[catnap]

When it's a woman that's financially dependent on a man, the courts will often make the man pay the woman's expenses regarding divorce, etc.  Could that be an option for Chad since he's dependent on her? 

Google family law attorneys in your area with free consultations.  If there are any--there should be a few-- start making appointments and find out if you can get support from her during the divorce and file for temporary custody. 

Was there any mention of you being able to visit your son made by your in-laws or your wife?  If not, find out the best way to document that they are denying you access to YOUR child. 

[restoredsight]

I've been contacting lawyers all morning, but it's been a dead end so far, with consultation fees and such. I only have my phone to work from. If anyone can help point me in the right direction, it would be appreciated. I don't know what im doing.

I didn't give up.

[restoredsight]

When it's a woman that's financially dependent on a man, the courts will often make the man pay the woman's expenses regarding divorce, etc.  Could that be an option for Chad since he's dependent on her? 

Google family law attorneys in your area with free consultations.  If there are any--there should be a few-- start making appointments and find out if you can get support from her during the divorce and file for temporary custody. 

Was there any mention of you being able to visit your son made by your in-laws or your wife?  If not, find out the best way to document that they are denying you access to YOUR child. 

They live 4 hours away by car, and I don't have one. They didnt have to deny anything.

[maxen]

chad i haven't any legal advice to give but i want to send along my complete solidarity with you. this is a horrible situation.

keep calling the lawyers if you can though. one or more of them will surely give free consultations.

[ForeverDad]

Document your attempts to see your child.  Start a journal.

It's likely the in-laws (or MIL) are trying to start a new 'normal' where they are filling in the gaps of parenting your GF doesn't do, effectively replacing you by distance and 'possession'.  The longer your child is gone, for example waiting months, the harder it will be to undo what they've done.

While some one commented that if the child's mother isn't there, then you can go claim your child based on, with no court orders to the contrary, your parental rights which trump grandparent rights.  States vary on the extent of grandparent rights, a few states might not even have any.  But going onto someone else's home turf to do that is very problematic.

• If you don't have witnesses then any allegations they make that you misbehaved at their home would be hard to overcome.



• If you did go there it would be good to go with a police officer.  (I tried calling my police and they refused to respond saying I needed a written order from the court first.)



• Even with an order in hand the police may not enforce an exchange.  (My police said I had to 'fix' it by going back to court.)

So right now try contacting her asking when your child will be returned.  Do it in a documented way.  If email or text, keep or make copies.  If by phone, record your attempts.  Of course in all communication behave yourself and don't make any angry comments, nothing that would sound bad to anyone listening, nothing that would indicate your agreement for child to be gone for long, nothing weakening your claim as majorly involved parent.  You can't control how they respond, but you make sure you're a polite but consistent parent.  As the old TV show always said, "Just the facts, ma'am."  Include a brief statement that you've been doing the majority of parenting since their claim will be trying to rewrite history, that you're just a man, disinterested and barely doing any parenting and poorly at that.   They could claim any of these things: neglectful, abusive, dangerous.  If the MIL is orchestrator, then FIL could be compliant and following MIL's lead and dictates.

The only real authority is family court.  If she doesn't respond well, if the family is unhelpful, if the police are unhelpful, then the alternative is family or domestic court.  Did they go to another state?  Then it could be technically a form of abduction if they don't bring your child back for continuing parent-child contact.  You can object to that in your family court in the county you reside in and request the court for an order that child be returned until the court has hearings and makes a decision.  (If she is distant but in the same state I don't know whether she could file in that distant county, that's a lawyer question.  If you can't find affordable help, then contact the local Bar Association for assistance and useful guidance, maybe for a lawyer with sliding fees based on income.)

[marbleloser]

You can do alot of things "pro se",without an attorney. Get to the local courthouse and find out which forms you need to fill out "ex parte" to have the child returned to the marital home,a protection order against the grandparents from doing this again,and exclusive use of the home. If mom isn't around the kid,you can even file kidnapping/custodial interference charges if you want to go that route. Taking it easy and going along will get you nowhere. You need proof that you tried your best to have the child returned. If the police won't help,go to the District Attorney.

[marbleloser]

If she establishes residency in another state and files there,you'll be way behind in getting the child returned.

[ForeverDad]

If she establishes residency in another state and files there,you'll be way behind in getting the child returned.

So true.  Fortunately, it takes 6 months to establish residency in another state, that's federal law in USA to reduce legal confusion.  But I worry that if she's with her parents, then she may claim she never really left their home and never gave up residency there.  Even if not true, it can delays things until that is resolved.  So if she doesn't return soon, you'd better start your case locally before she thinks to do it there.

Beware... . Don't say "if you don't return soon I'm going to court and... . "  If choose to do that, your choice, but by providing her information and some of your 'strategy' you could be sabotaging yourself and giving her an opportunity to do something to obstruct you.

Sadly, if a relationship is dysfunctional and failing, sharing information can put you at a more distinct disadvantage.  Always keep that in mind.  You may think, "But I have to be super fair with her."  Sadly too, your fairness, based on history, won't be reciprocated.

[restoredsight]

I'm getting indications from her sister that this is their attempt to help cool her off and get things set on the right path. They don't have a lot of money either, so that's helpful. They are in state, and I get the idea that the whole process was to avoid conflict in an unknown situation, but with a understandable bias in her direction. She was lying about some things, and now, like before, they act then question it.

The family has had similar issues with their half-sister, and in the past they've swung towards "work it out yourselves, but we always know better."

I haven't been sitting back on this, I've been t-boned and I don't know what street I'm on. I had to try to fit in a session of therapy so I can keep moving forward.

I'm headed out try and wander about the courthouse looking for some sort of help then.

@ForeverDad I'm taking notes and not ignoring any of this. I'm respectful, I'm calm, and I'm rational. I do my best to stay this way since she could so easily say that I'm crazy.

[PinkieV]

See if there are any fathers rights associations in your area. Do you have a friend who will drive you and witness your efforts to get your son back?  Please don't given up, I've seen firsthand what this situation can do to a child. You've got a lot going in your favor - you CAN DO THIS!

[restoredsight]

I had a loong talk with MIL. It seems that they are quickly coming to the same opinion I have about wife's behavior, and that the recent situation was because of the impression that my wife gave them, and once emotions cooled, they were already questioning things. They are trying to convince her to stay with them rather than jump into a new situation.

They won't help her get custody because they dont trust her either.

Actually, their pov in all of this seems reasonsble. They just jumped in when they were afraid that our son may be in trouble. Colored, of course by wife's tales, and my stupid behavior during our last break up. (broke her phone when I was sure she was cheating, will always kick myself for that)

She expressed a desire to make sure I dont fall apart financially, and admitted that the way they went about things was harsh.

They dont have means either, so a messy fight isn't appealing.

[ForeverDad]

That's good to hear, we never choose to 'fight', that's only an option of last resort.  But the other extreme, inaction, can expose us to unnecessary risks and delays.  In this case you can be prepared for either path but hope and work for peaceful resolution, especially when relatives can be a great resource or tough obstructions.  Choose to keep them as resources if you can.