Question for the group...

[mgl210]

To sum it up, my xBPD and I had recycled on/off for about six times... . She tells me she wants no contact whatsoever, yet she has sent me text messages. Last night, she texted me again telling me she wishes that I had a good birthday and valentine's. I casually mentioned that it would have been better if she was around and she was like oh that ship has sailed... . I then proceded to ask her...

"If that ship has sailed, and you so called want no contact/communication with me, then why do you keep texting me. You've said it before that you want nothing to do with me and yet you've shown up in my life? and then I said if you so called are done with me... then why text ?

To which I got no response... .

Any ideas?

I mean I think I know, but I'd like to hear your feedback...

MGL

[schwing]

One of the criteria for the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, is a pattern of intense and unstable interpersonal relationships characterized by idealization and devaluation. 

When your xBPD wants no contact from you, they are devaluing you, see you as "all bad."  And when they casually contact you again, that's probably when they are starting to idealize you to some degree (or perhaps devaluing someone else).

I would not expect someone who is ill and in denial of their illness to be able to explain to you why they do what they do.  More importantly, if what they do is working for them, why would you expect them to change?  You don't expect to talk her out of her mental disorder, do you?

Best wishes, Schwing

[mgl210]

In simpler words... . Why ask why?

I understand... thanks for the heads up... . I was just puzzled... .

MGL

[BorisAcusio]

They reach out when they need something from you. It could be an ego boost, a shoulder to cry on, etc.

[myself]

If the ship has sailed, why not block her texts?

Why do you allow contact? What do you get out of it?

Look where leaving it in her hands gets you.

[Mutt]

In simpler words... . Why ask why?

I understand... thanks for the heads up... . I was just puzzled... .

MGL

It is puzzling when you're looking from the perspective of the non.

[mgl210]

I am not the one to just shut the doors in someone's face myself. I appreciate your concern and well intentions, but I am not one to just say oh forget you... . yeah, she hurt me really bad, yeah what she did was crappy, but I can definitely be the better person out of all this and just let it roll off of my back. After last night's texting convo, it kinda helped me a bit. To have the upper hand and to actually stump her and be like yeah. I'm calling you out on it... it helped some.

I appreciate your thoughts and well intentions myself.Please don't think that I don't

MGL

[mgl210]

Boris,

that's quite possible. If I remember her right, it could have been her reaching out so she didn't have another self injury episode. I wouldn't put that past her...

Mutt,

you are absolutely correct. I am usually very good at being one step ahead of her and knowing what she is thinking... . hmmm

MGL

[MammaMia]

It is a well-known BPD game.   She is trying to suck you back in ... . so SHE can reject YOU.

The only option is to go NC and block her calls, texts, and social media.  If you play the game, be prepared to be used and abused.

It is what they do.

[mgl210]

Thanks mamamia,

You are right. That could be an option too. I think I stumped her though when I stood up for myself. LOL

MGL

[Mutt]

I am not the one to just shut the doors in someone's face myself. I appreciate your concern and well intentions, but I am not one to just say oh forget you... . yeah, she hurt me really bad, yeah what she did was crappy, but I can definitely be the better person out of all this and just let it roll off of my back. After last night's texting convo, it kinda helped me a bit. To have the upper hand and to actually stump her and be like yeah. I'm calling you out on it... it helped some.

I appreciate your thoughts and well intentions myself.Please don't think that I don't

MGL

You're on the right track and l love your statement of taking the high road.

I understand that hurt, but there's no upper hand or win / lose.

[mgl210]

The sad thing is Mutt is that you are right too. There is no clear winner on this situation and/or predicament, depending on how you classify it. But I can still be the better person inside myself and outwards to the reality of the situation and just not be the one that validates me walking away. Sure, maybe in her eyes and all, I am, but in reality world speaking. We all know the truth that she was the one that walked away... .

MGL

[Mutt]

The sad thing is Mutt is that you are right too. There is no clear winner on this situation and/or predicament, depending on how you classify it. But I can still be the better person inside myself and outwards to the reality of the situation and just not be the one that validates me walking away. Sure, maybe in her eyes and all, I am, but in reality world speaking. We all know the truth that she was the one that walked away... .

MGL

It sounds like her loss MGL. We all get caught up in trying to prove a point. I falter. The key is to keep trying to disengage.


- Mutt

[myself]

If you can get a text saying Happy Valentine's Day from your ex who walked away, and it just rolls off of your back, you're farther along than I am. I'm glad my ex was silent yesterday. Like you, I didn't want to stop communicating with her. I didn't want her to be my ex. It's hard to let go. But I couldn't keep playing such a painful game. Couldn't stand the lies. Couldn't keep being reminded of what could have been. I put it off as long as possible, but the breaking point came and we haven't been in contact since.

You held a mirror up to her. She went quiet.

When you hold a mirror to yourself, what do you see?

That is the mirror that's most important.

The high ground is taking the steps you're meant to take.

[BorisAcusio]

It is a well-known BPD game.   She is trying to suck you back in ... . so SHE can reject YOU.

My ex did this to me just three days ago. I initiated NC and strictly stood my ground. She lost her job, her mother was taken to the hospital so the abandoment fears must have gone through the top. She were using the "your're my soul mate and I miss you badly" crap just to immidately blame and discard me as soon as I took the bait.

I guess that sooths her ego until she finds my replacement.

[mgl210]

Mutt,

Thanks again for your support and encouragement. I cannot tell you how much it means to me.

Myself,

To be quite honest with you. It did bother me highly that she texted me, because it just feels like she wants to get the best of me or something. However,  as  I have said before, I kinda of expected this to happen. I am sure that this isn't the last of my hearing from her either.  However, I know the truth of the situation, and I know her well enough to kind of know her behavior., She even said to me once that I know her better than she knows herself. 

Boris,

I still love her without a doubt, but sometimes loving someone just isn't enough and I think even if she and I did get back together, I would always be on guard and not totally trusting her. It is what it is. I am sorry that your ex did that to you my friend. Its not a fun pattern or life to go through... .

MGL

[Mutt]

Mutt,

Thanks again for your support and encouragement. I cannot tell you how much it means to me.

You're welcome MGL and thank you for the kind words

[mgl210]

Mutt,

Its ironic to say the least. While it bothers me the complete situation and what not. I can't exactly say that I am terribly torn up as much as I once was. Sure, it bothers me, Sure i wish the situation was different, but last night was just so ... . liberating for the right word to say the least.

MGL

[Mutt]

Mutt,

Its ironic to say the least. While it bothers me the complete situation and what not. I can't exactly say that I am terribly torn up as much as I once was. Sure, it bothers me, Sure i wish the situation was different, but last night was just so ... . liberating for the right word to say the least.

MGL

It takes time MGL.

I remember the only thing that my ex said after 8 year r/s and 5 year marriage. I couldn't get anything else out of her and it was painful to only hear 3 words and no logical explanation on her part.

I'm done Mutt.

Moving day for her and the kids she says.

You never know Mutt! Maybe we'll get married again in the future!

I didn't understand it then and it was so confusing, but she made her choice. I made the choice of working on me and moving on.

[mgl210]

The biggest fear I have is ... .

She working on her issues for a longer period of time. Appears to be cured from her so called issues of abandonment and self harm. We get married, have kids, and then she decides to abandon them and starts to self harm herself again... .

Yeah real nightmare there

MGL

[love4meNOTu]

And worse yet MGL... what you just described can happen with anyone, not just her.

That's life, you know? One minute things are horrible, the next they are great. And you never think the horrible times will come again.

But they do. And when they do come, you are stronger, less surprised and more resilient.

Because you know you can get through it, though anything, and even be happy in the day to day.

No contact for me was just that. It wasn't a way to heal, it was a way to protect myself from further pain. My ex enjoys hurting me, has ever since devaluation began, and that's why I left him. Because I want to be happy today. Not tomorrow, or some blissful day years away... but now.

And I was absolutely sure that he could never bring me anything but pain.

L

[mgl210]

L4,

You are right though. It could even happen to someone who isn't married to someone who has BPD. I think this is a big reason why I am not married at my age, while a lot of my peers who are younger than myself are married and already have kids and what not.

Good to hear you are happy... . Thanks for the encouragement

MGL

[Perfidy]

To sum it up, my xBPD and I had recycled on/off for about six times... . She tells me she wants no contact whatsoever, yet she has sent me text messages. Last night, she texted me again telling me she wishes that I had a good birthday and valentine's. I casually mentioned that it would have been better if she was around and she was like oh that ship has sailed... . I then proceded to ask her...

"If that ship has sailed, and you so called want no contact/communication with me, then why do you keep texting me. You've said it before that you want nothing to do with me and yet you've shown up in my life? and then I said if you so called are done with me... then why text ?

To which I got no response... .

Any ideas?

I mean I think I know, but I'd like to hear your feedback...

MGL

This in bold is essentially the problem. Now you have to ask yourself if this is what you want. You will not be able to make any sense of these conversations and they will always leave you wondering and confused. The only way to resolve this is with your self. I know how hard it is.

[mgl210]

not to sound stupid perfidy, but what exactly is the problem? im confused... .

mgl

[Perfidy]

Those conversations and lack of communication. Different thinking. Creating more questions than answers. Confusion. No productive effort. Discomfort.

[mgl210]

Oh okay i got you... . welcome to my world

thanks again Per

MGL

[Perfidy]

A big part of detaching for me has been rumination. This "left hanging" feeling. It hasn't been pleasant and has been a source of depression. At times it becomes a viscous cycle.

[mgl210]

I can understand and relate... . Being true to yourself about your feelings will help you A LONG way... . trust me... .

[Perfidy]

Almost a year. My gratitude has become fundamental. Without gratitude I lose value. Above all else I value my self. Without that self worth I am nothing. A thread away.