What, exactly, do you "accept" when you work on "acceptance?

[Randi Kreger]

Here is something Linehan wrote about acceptance.  So what, exactly, have you and other people accepted about living or being with a borderline partner. (And by the way, as I wrote this my hubby was watching a Superman movie and I almost attributed the quote to Superman. They rhyme; close enough.)  

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE

Can you think of any really serious problems, really serious pain, serious traumas, things that make you really unhappy that you can't change? Maybe you've had a child who's died. People who have had a child who's died never get over it. Maybe you have a permanent disability.

What are your options?  You can be miserable or you can accept the reality that you've got it.  Maybe you've had a really painful childhood.  You know, a lot of people have to live with that; you just have to live with the fact that those happy childhoods you see on tv aren't in your life and there's nothing you can do about it.  Maybe you didn't get a job that you really wanted - there's nothing you can do about it.

These are just not the kind of things you can start being happy about. So what are your options?  You can either be miserable or you can figure out a way to accept the reality of your own life.

So what's Radical Acceptance?  What do I mean by the word 'radical'?  Radical means complete and total.  It's when you accept something from the depths of your soul. When you accept it in your mind, in your heart, and even with your body.  It's total and complete.  

When you've radically accepted something, you're not fighting it. It's when you stop fighting reality.  That's what radical acceptance is.  

The problem is, telling you what it is and telling you how to do it are two different things.  Radical acceptance can't really be completely explained. Why not? Because it's something that is interior - it's something that goes on inside yourself.  But all of us have experienced radical acceptance so what I want you to do right now is to try to focus in on sometime in your life when you've actually accepted something, radically - completely and totally.

So let's think about it. When might that be?  Well, think back in your own life to either something you've lost, perhaps someone you've loved has died, or something that you really wanted that you didn't get - a job you really wanted and you didn't get it.

Think about something you wanted that you either didn't get or something that you had that you've lost.  Now, sit back, close your eyes and go back in time to right before you found out that you've lost what you had or right before you've found out that you weren't going to get what you wanted. Imagine that again.  Kind of go back there. And then go through that period were you weren't accepting it, and then move to imagining when you did accept it.  So kind of like, relive that.

Most people can find some place in their life where that's happened to them and where they've accepted it, and that's what I mean by radical acceptance.

I'm guessing some of you tried that exercise and you just couldn't think of any time when you've accepted something. So you couldn't imagine what it felt like cause you couldn't even remember a time when you have done it. Don't worry about it.  Just try it another time - maybe after the program, today, tomorrow, or some other day. Just see if you can go back to a time when you've accepted.

But for the moment, let me tell you what it might feel like.  Often when you've accepted you have this sense of letting go of the struggle.  It's just like you've been struggling and now you're not.  Sometimes, if you have accepted, you just have this sense of being centered, like you feel centered inside yourself somehow.

You may have a lot of sadness. Acceptance often goes with a lot of sadness actually, but even though you've got sadness, there's a feeling like a burden's lifted. Usually if you've accepted, you feel, well, ready to move on with your life. Sort of feel free, ready to move. So that's what it feels like.  

Let's keep going.  Pain is pain. Suffering, agony, are pain plus non-acceptance. So if you take pain, add non-acceptance you end up with suffering. Radical acceptance transforms suffering into ordinary pain.

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[HopefulDad]

I think it is important to accept things for what they were and are.  Parents abused you during childhood?  Can't change the past.  It happened.  Spouse might die soon of cancer?  Can't just wish the disease away.  Make whatever time you have left together count rather than wallow in bitterness.  There are so many things out of our control, both good and bad.  Accept that reality.  Dr. Linehan is aiming that message directly at BPD sufferers because they struggle mightily with this, even with the most mundane things.

Acceptance does not mean it's okay for bad things to continue, particularly if you have a say in them.  BPD spouse verbally abuses you?  Yes, you can accept that the abuse happened, but to just sit there and let him/her rail against you is wrong.

I'm still working on acceptance of all the BS I put up with over the years from my BPDw.  There's a resentment against her that won't go away easily.  There's also anger and disappointment in myself for allowing and enabling so much of it.  For the past, I hope to get to true forgiveness sooner than later.  For the present, I've accepted that my wife has this diagnosis and that there's no sure fire cure.  But while accepting this reality, the status quo will not continue.  It hasn't.  Where it goes from here I don't know.

[PeppermintTea]

I think this is a great question.

For me I feel I have radically accepted that the 'ideal' marriage I had in my head cannot exist in my life with dBPDh. This realisation took a long time to come and all the while I was expecting him to behave as my 'ideal perfect husband'. This caused a lot of friction, tension and struggle for me and also was not pleasant for my husband because I was expecting him to be a way he doesn't know how to be.

I feel I'm on the path to truely accepting who he is now (I say on the path because some days are easier than others). Now that I accept who he is, we work on the things he can do and put strategies in place to help with the things he struggles with.

By radically accepting who my husband actually is I could deeply understand that there are some things he cannot do for me and I can have networks, friends, family etc who can fill those needs instead. I can also truely accept and appreciate the things my husband can and does do.

I see him working very hard to master parenting skills he never knew about before so that he can be the best dad possible to our children and I'm proud of him for that. I'm also proud of him on the days when he recognises that he's too far over the edge to use his new skills and asks for a time out from the family.

I can't change the things my husband has done over the first years of our relationship. The over doses, the raging, the snapping at the kids, the depressive negative attitude he tried to pin on me for so long. However after I really started to apply radical acceptance and he really started to engage with therapy I have to say that things are a lot easier and we are all a lot happier.

I think it's a two way street though and radical acceptance and strong boundaries have to go hand in hand. My husband and I had to both learn this and when I first implemented boundaries he went through a real melt down. It's hard to explain but it is true that when you stop struggling just accept and work with what you have life can be enjoyable again.

I think I'm maybe making this sound too easy so I also have to say that there are still times for us when this is real hard work. I think we make better use of our support and strategies now but it is still a shock to the system when my husband goes on a downward spiral. It happens much less frequently now though.

PT.

[Seneca]

Radical acceptance, for me, was putting down my denial of reality. I was well practiced at seeing what I wanted to, or what I hoped for. It was the only way I could cope with my living situation, and not refuse to get out of bed each day. But something clicked that slapped me in the face and got my attention. I began to look into the past and review what actually happened, instead of just the good parts. What moved me on this path the most was looking at old photos - even ones where we are smiling and happy. I had always treasured those in my heart - see, we were happy that day! But thinking about each one, the circumstances around them, I began to admit the truth. 'No. Actually he was giving me the cold shoulder that day. I felt isolated, frightened, and was worried he'd embarrass us. When the photographer came over, I struck a pose." The picture looks like a loving moment, but there was so much anxiety and despair that day. I had been CHOOSING to remember it as good. I had be CHOOSING to think of all of the good points of my marriage, and ignoring the bad. But that is NOT reality. The reality was, it has been far more bad than good. I have been a victim in a cycle of abuse. The good I remember were the reconciliation and calm after the incidents, and they never lasted long.

Radical acceptance meant going back in my memory bank with an eraser. In there, I had crossed out the hurt and the suffering and written in their places "yea, but" or "he was stressed" or "I deserved it" or "It's God's will". I forced myself to see what was really written, and see things for what they are, not what I'd hoped they'd become. Radical acceptance has caused me terrible sadness, but in the end I know will bring me much joy, when I can stop living life in fantasy land, but live a whole, balanced, real life.

[an0ught]

Good question,

when starting out on this discovery journey I found myself being way off the course I thought I was heading. The distance between reality and want caused me to become tremendously distressed. Using the LESSONS helped a lot to steer the relationship back to a more reasonable course. Then the question was - is it the right course? - is the a course I want but may not be able to reach? There were quite a lot of things I had to let go and it was a stepwise process.

It took me years to fully understand something, the reality and limits I faced and then take it a step further

 Accepting that she has limitations and can't help it at times.

 Accepting my contribution to the mess we were in and consequences that will persist.

 Accepting that dreams I had are not reachable.

 Accepting that I can't make her stay and she could change her mind some day.

When getting together I had the image of having a close and equal relationship. It was hard to accept that this is not possible with her. Some of that desire may be reflecting my co-dependent traits. Some of it would be in reach with a more balanced person. Letting go of trying hard to be close and equal was painful - learning boundaries was not fun. What I got now is different from what I thought I going to get when letting go. The focus on validation increased our understanding and support we are able to give each other. The boundaries still feel a little odd - it would be great if we could share more than we do - but they also enabled a lot of personal and professional growth of both of us. We are better connected and both stronger today.

A key moment for me was letting go of controlling her emotions. Accepting that she may get angry and we split up. Admitting to what I perceived as loss of control was scary. But then exactly that enabled me to start with SET and finally commit to boundaries.

When stuck in the FOG fear is a pervasive feeling and fear is known to activate the attachment system. We cling. Letting go of some things does not feel as scary today as if felt only a few years back. I suspect a lot of us arriving here have a backlog of things we have to let go but struggle to do so.

[waverider]

I think before you can apply acceptance to anyone else, or a situation, you have to accept yourself and your own natural feelings towards a situation.  If you straight off try using logic to deny your own feelings towards a situation you are forcing acceptance, it is not coming naturally. Acceptance in those situations can prove to be no more than a facade of which you would feel guilty to acknowledge because you are trying to force the principle of being a better person.

When things are bad, you have to first accept your own feeling towards that, pain/ disappointment/envy/ anger or whatever is applicable. Accept that these feelings are normal, dont berate yourself for feeling them. Acknowledge why you are being triggered this way, see it for what it is. Then let it go as unavoidable. From there you can better move on to accept the situation as it truly is.

Full acceptance from the soul is difficult and takes a high degree of self confidence. It is too easy to think you are accepting, when really all you are doing is biting your tongue, racking up resentment for later.

Acceptance is a decision of the Wise mind,. The logical mind can provide the justification for it, but the emotional mind still needs to be heard before being placated.

[Chosen]

I think for me, I have radically accepted the my uBPDh will, at a lot of times, not think like "normal" people (or I) do.  That, even when he doesn't act out, he will still make illogical (to us) connections to things and that I can't understand nor change that.  That's because at the core of BPD is this type of emotional, black-and-white thinking.  He can't help it, he's like this.

Therefore, I apply the lessons not to change his thinking, because I can't, but to improve communication and our relationship despite this type of thinking.  My boundaries are for actions, not feelings, I can't accept (e.g. abuse).