How did you react to the craziness, and why we can't go back

[jynx]

This is probably the first and only time that I will ever admit to my own craziness in how I reacted to a BPD.  You do have to remember that I was married for over 27 years, and it was only the last 5 years or so that I got like this.

I got physically abusive also.  I asked him repeatedly not to call me a b!tch.  After he did it about the 5th time, I slapped him in the face, he said it again, I slapped him again, he said it again, I slapped him again, etc... .

I also got so frustrated that I kicked a hole in the wall, I also kicked the moulding on the floor, and broke my toe by doing that.

I drank, I wanted to stop his voice in my head telling me everything that he thought was bad about me.

I used to sleep in the car, with the doors locked.  One time he found the spare key to the car.  He dragged me out of the back seat by my feet, demanded that I come in the house to talk to him.  I had my set of keys, I've been drinking, had to get out of the garage, drove away, was going to just pull over to go to sleep, it was 28 degrees outside, I had no blanket, no cell phone, no pocket, so I had no credit card, no money, gas was almost gone, I drove to police station and told them to arrest me for drunk driving.

When he would run away from home I would try to call him constantly.  He either just hung up on me or he shut the phone off.  This made me crazy.  

During silent treatments, trying to get him to just acknowledge that I existed, I would sit on the hood of his car when he was leaving to go to work, just to try to talk, he would push me off, or just drive away till I fell off.

When we were on long trips, and I couldn't take it anymore in the car, I would tell him to pull over and let me out.  It didn't matter where we were.  I would just get out of the car, and try to figure things out from there.

I sometimes got as crazy as he did, and sometimes he would stop, only because (according to him) I got crazier then him.

I dragged my mattress from the second floor to the garage because it was summer, and told him that I wasn't sleeping in the car anymore.

I drank some wine one night, and took OTC sleeping pills, he called 911 on me, said I was trying to commit suicide, had to go to 6 weeks out patient.  It was the turning point in my life.

Lots of other crazy behavior on my part, but can't think of all of it now.

This is why I can never never never never go back.

[seeking balance]

Well jynx - we all acted ridiculous to one degree or another in our worst... . it was in realizing I could only control me that the spotlight was really showing up on how bad it ALL was.

Kudos to you to have the courage to share your part - it is that same courage that will help you heal.

Can you forgive yourself?

[jynx]

I can definetly forgive myself.  That wasn't me.  It's not who I was, it was becoming who I would be if I stayed any longer. 

Wanted to share this, so that people can see what can happen to them.  I was the calmest person you could ever meet, till I came face to face with BPD.

[jynx]

I think that I really need to talk about one of the things that bothered me the most

I was arrested for DV.

It started in Dec.  My ex would almost never come home, when he did he was drunk, either didn't speak to me at all, would walk past me like I didn't exist or just rage at me.  I ended up staying with my daughter in April when she had a baby.  I would go back and forth then, just because I could not deal with it anymore.  Anytime that I was home, he would leave the house and either come back around 10 at night, or the next day, or no phone call, and not come home just disappear.  So now it is June.  I went to visit my daughter, had to get back the same day, since I never knew when he would be home, or not home and we had pets.  So I came home.

I was looking really good, just lost some weight, had a nice outfit on, just wanted for him to see "me".  Didn't know if he would be home or coming home or not.

He comes home, makes both of us a cup of tea.  OK, sounds and looks like things will be OK.  I hardly said anything to him at all, just hi, how was work, talked about our grandson.  He went into a rage, he spilled his cup of tea on me, I go into the kitchen to try to clean it up a little, he follows, he throws me to the kitchen floor.  pulls my shirt up.  Holds my arms down.  I struggled to get free.  Left black and blues all over my arms from holding me down.  Then says that he is going to bite my stomach.  I bit him on the arm.  I couldn't get away from him, after I bit him, he told me that he was just joking, that I can't take a joke, and look at what I did, I bit him.

So, I kinda let that go, we still weren't speaking.  He spent the rest of that week going to the bar early about 10am, coming home at 10 pm.  Fine with me, he ignored me, I ignored him.  That Saturday was our grandson's christening.  We both go to that.  Next day, he leaves again at 10 am, out to the bar again. 

Comes home about 10pm, wants to know where dinner is, told him I put it away, he starts rolling a dinner plate from the kitchen to the living room, then from the living room to the kitchen, repeat about 5 times.  I had 4 beers, said I was tired, I was going to bed, and that if he wanted dinner, get it out of fridge and reheat it. 

This is 6 months already of this sh!t.  I'm sick of it.

I go to the bedroom to go to sleep.  45 mins later he is knocking at the door.  I had locked it.  He asked me to please let him in.  He sounded so pathetic, I thought he wanted to apologize and make things better, so I let him in. 

He gets in bed and he starts groping at me.  I told him to leave me alone, that I thought he wanted to come in to apologize.  He starts raging and calling me name, gets out of bed and he is leaving.  I guess I should have let it all go because he was leaving the room, but I didn't. 

He was calling me every name imaginable, and I followed him, he went to a different bedroom, and I followed him, his mouth was still going, I just wanted to slap him, and slap him hard.  He caught my hand, then grabbed the other one.  I couldn't move.  Reminded me of the kitchen incident, and I bit him.  He then punched me in the face so hard that I flew off the bed and onto the floor and blacked out.  I got up about 2 minutes after this, I slowly walked down the steps, got my cell phone and called 911.

Well the cops finally came.  I was waiting for them outside.  One talked to me, one talked to him.  I gave my statement.  They called an ambulance and took me to the hospital.  They took him to jail. 

So I spent the night in ER.  My whole right side of my face was black and blue for the entire summer.  My 18 yr old daughter picked me up from the hospital.  We get home, and its my ex's sister calling about bailing him out of jail.

She can't do it, and my daughter didn't want her dad in jail.  So what do I do?  I drive my daughter to the bank to get the bail $ out, and she bails him out.  He has a restraining order on him now, so he goes and stays with my other daughter. 

He calls me about 5 days later and he is pissed.  Apparently when they arrested him the cop said to him "what were you trying to do, trying to get some".  He accused me of telling the cops that he was trying to rape me.

Would you believe that I still stayed?

I was called to police station to sign a statement, I got there and I was also arrested because I bit him.  They did not detain me, and I had no bail, they let me go.

But had to go to court, and because I had 4 beers that night, had to go for alcohol abuse treatment. 


It feels really good to get this out of me. 

Thanks for listening   

[seeking balance]

Jynx - you have been through a lot,  I am sure you have a lot of emotions to process.

Do you have a T also?

[jynx]

Jynx - you have been through a lot,  I am sure you have a lot of emotions to process.

Do you have a T also?

I had many t's.  This is the best that I have felt, and the most honest I have felt recently.  Just reading on here has helped me so much.  It's like I want to move on, but I need to get this out of me.  By posting this stuff, its letting it go. 

I only joined here within the last week, but this is what I needed to find.  The last thing I posted, I did it because from now on, I released it, it is out of my head.  Its kind of like I burned that, its gone, don't have to think about it anymore. 

I was so focused on the "what ifs" before I found this forum, now I am more focused on "my future".  I'm focusing more on me. 

I never want to get back to how I was getting.  I'm sure someone could have diagnosed me then.  But that wasn't me.  It was my reaction to 27 years of crazy.

I am finally feeling free of all this, I also don't want to forget it, because I never want to get in that situation again.     

[santa]

I reacted with plenty of craziness. Not at first, but eventually. I think it was just self-preservation at that point. I'm not proud of my actions, but I don't feel bad about them either. I did what I had to do and I got through it.

[jynx]

I reacted with plenty of craziness. Not at first, but eventually. I think it was just self-preservation at that point. I'm not proud of my actions, but I don't feel bad about them either. I did what I had to do and I got through it.

Thank You santa,

I'm not proud either.  Just trying to get back to my old self again.  Sometimes that fight or flight stuff really gets you.  I got like that when I didn't care if I lived or died.  On the bright side, we are both still alive, and we can have a happy life now

[santa]

I reacted with plenty of craziness. Not at first, but eventually. I think it was just self-preservation at that point. I'm not proud of my actions, but I don't feel bad about them either. I did what I had to do and I got through it.

Thank You santa,

I'm not proud either.  Just trying to get back to my old self again.  Sometimes that fight or flight stuff really gets you.  I got like that when I didn't care if I lived or died.  On the bright side, we are both still alive, and we can have a happy life now

Absolutely

[feelingcrazy7832]

Jynx - your post really hit home for me. Do not beat yourself up for your behavior. I too started to act in ways that were very uncharacteristic of me. My ex was also addicted to drugs and when you add alcohol/drugs to this type of relationship, things are bound to escalate. The thing that kept me stuck for a long time or even had me going back after so many break ups was that I did feel bad about some of my reactions. My therapist asked me during our first meeting if I had acted that way in other relationships and of course my answer was no.

They want us to go crazy. That way they can point the finger at us and blame us and tell everyone how crazy we are... . without ever giving the full story or picture to anyone. My ex was a master and telling people my reaction to him but never explaining why I got to that point. He was a master at pitting everyone against each other to take the focus off himself.

My last communication with his parents was to text them and tell them to F off and they were blind and the biggest enablers I've ever met. Honestly, I can't believe I would EVER speak to someone's parents that way. I was sick of them calling me looking for their drug addict son who was lying to their face. After 3 years, you just get to a point you snap. I can't imagine what I would be like after as much time as you spent with your husband.

This was a good reminder to me to stop beating myself up for my reactions.

[Madison66]

I reacted with plenty of craziness. Not at first, but eventually. I think it was just self-preservation at that point. I'm not proud of my actions, but I don't feel bad about them either. I did what I had to do and I got through it.

Thank You santa,

I'm not proud either.  Just trying to get back to my old self again.  Sometimes that fight or flight stuff really gets you.  I got like that when I didn't care if I lived or died.  On the bright side, we are both still alive, and we can have a happy life now

Absolutely

I have dealt with these feelings over the past week.  My T told me yesterday that it is time to give myself a break.  There was absolutely no way for me to be prepared for what I encountered with my uBPD/NPD ex gf.  I felt like others in that if I respond with rationale thinking and behavior, she'd get it and change.  I then felt like if I say it loud enough and often enough, she get it and change.  Being on the other side now, I can work through all the pain and scars to find the hidden "gifts" that I will take with me the rest of my life.

[delusionalxox]

Jynx, I know just what you are saying.

Ex is righteously convinced that I am 'the crazy one'. He has 'spoken to psychiatrists' about me who have diagnosed me with BPD/narcissism (he didn't know those terms before I stupidly introduced him to them). I am a dangerous lunatic and he has done nothing wrong, apparently. This is a guy who was a classic jealous control freak and also what we in UK call a 'c*cklodger' (a man who moves in and insists on living off a woman with income- ex was a total prince, expected to do very little around the house except his important artistic 'work' , to be served, spoiled and most sincerely of all, given 'respect' he did not earn). He invaded my private communications a lot in the effort to find me out in my apparent 'multiple affairs'. He frequently tantrumed and burst into tears, once raging because I did not give him sufficient wardrobe space in my house... accused me of being an 'alcoholic' when one night i had two glasses of wine... . freaked out when a man who turned out to be gay called me 'beautiful' on a facebook photo... . etc... . etc... .

All of this now never happened and apparently I 'abused him for three years' (by telling him I'd had enough and he had to leave. Fair enough I think. The stupid bit was recycling all the time).

But by the end in my rage and unhappiness and Stockholm Syndrome induced confusion I WAS indeed acting crazy. I used to self harm when we rowed, hit myself in the face, once scratched my own cheek, I felt totally insane and started to believe all the ___ he told me about what a whore, liar, fake, b*tch psycho I was. I would just walk off, eg in foreign cities, following his verbal abuse or jealous threats, and get lost. Iput him out of the car once in the middle of Kent (  can't help laughing at that one) when he was raging at me as I was driving. I hit my own head on a table when he was abusing me and refused to leave the house and leave me alone. He would follow me around shouting in my face etc, it was unbearable.

By the end, he had an affair unbeknown to me. All the while he was obsessively accusing me of infidelity (projection anyone? ) I found out via facebook. In the meantime he continued to use me for money etc and airfares... . then I got pregnant. He totally ignored me, disappeared for 3 months while I went through a termination, then tried to get me back obsessively for 3/4 months. I carried on talking to him, bargaining, refusing to go back but trying to be friends. God knows why, I still wanted him (Stockholm Syndrome!) although not as a partner.

In the end when I finally rejected going back to him he slipped back to meanness and abuse and withdrew all his apologies for the affair, started to blame me for it. I lost it totally with his hypocrisy and arrogance. He wants to come back to my university to do a postdoctoral degree and at that point I just lost it... . the sheer arrogance of that after what he did. I threatened to speak to his supervisor who is a distant colleague and to do whatever I could to stop him coming back. So now (with some justification) I am a 'crazy stalker' who has 'destroyed him' (I didn't actually carry out the threat, it was just mouth and I wanted to hurt him like he hurt me. Stupid!)

The last time I spoke to him he was full of priestly advice for me on my moral turpitude and how I am 'emotionally stupid' and must 'practice wisdom', the hypocrite. At times I'd still like to make sure he has no career here because I would hate to see him prancing around campus in front of me. What he did to me was appalling and he has excused himself for all of it and blamed me.

I acted crazy though and walked into his 'diagnosis' of me as the lunatic. And now he can use that to evade responsibility even further.

I have to forgive myself though. The further I get from him, the more I know that wasn't me, it was his effect on me (and my stupid inability to get out of his grasp; for that if anything I am to blame; not protecting myself).

We will never behave like that again because we will protect ourselves in future. I told him sincerely and in tears that I am sorry for what I did, truly sorry. That whatever he did to me, it was totally out of order. His response was that 'sorry is not enough'... . a man who abandoned me to abort alone! There is no closure with these people other than what we give ourselves. Self forgiveness is mine, if he will not forgive me.

[Mutt]

It's not who I was, it was becoming who I would be if I stayed any longer.  

I can relate to this jynx. The person that I became in the r/s was not the person that came into it but I'm coming around to who I was, but better.

They try to mold you into a version of themselves.

They blame you for their crazy making behaviors. I got charged with dv after defending myself when my wife bit me. She bit me on my back and I threw my elbow back and hit her in the mouth, it was a reaction to her action. It was escalated from her being emotionally dysregulated for 3 weeks and she attacked me. We had both been drinking at a wedding. The charges where dropped in court. I was called "wife beater" in front of the kids from the ex for a long time after that.

I was a calm, relaxed, easy going person and I'm slowly coming back to that Mutt but she pushed my buttons like no one else has in my life. I did a lot of crazy things as well, but I know that I am not that person. It's because we're in the event horizon of the personality disorders and they want to suck you in, and she couldn't. I was discarded and she moved on to the next guy.

[CoasterRider]

For the most part I always reacted to the chaos in a calm and understanding fashion. I heard what he had to say and simply proposed some alternate considerations, and warned him of what I saw as the inevitable end if the paranoia, worry and fear kept up.

However towards the end, when I became clear I was not getting the type of person I needed in the r/s and that the r/s was slipping from my grip. I was being fought over every little show of good faith I needed to feel validated, important and respected. I became very insecure about where things were going.

I became controlling, manipulative, angry, and withdrawn. Looking back on how I acted and going forward. If I ever find myself reacting like this to a situation like that, I will hopefully realize, its not a healthy situation. I dont like the way I am when I act like that. Its all in an effort to keep something that has already been lost, so letting the situation get the better of me, is useless and loosing control of myself is giving them power and satisfaction that isnt going to fix anything. So whats the point. Stay the person I want to be, read the writing on the wall and walk away.

[jynx]

delusionalxox,

I soo understand.  I forgot about me hitting my head with my fists.  I couldn't hit him and I just wanted to make it stop, I also scratched my face and told him he was right, that I was the crazy person, that I needed help, and a lot of it.  That actually shocked him into niceness, I guess because I took the blame.  I can't think of any other reason.  

Stockholm Syndrome?  yes to that one.

My pregnancy, he left me alone a lot and went out with his friends.  The day I went into labor we were at a party, 45 minutes away from home.  He ignored me the whole time.  My water broke, I went to tell him, and he got mad at me, because we had to leave.  :)rove the whole way home without him saying a word to me.  We got home, my labor didn't start yet, and the Dr told me to go to the hospital when it started.  So, he said he was tired and had to go to sleep.  Got mad at me when I woke him up an hour later and told him it was time for me to go to the hospital.  

Since I left him, I have never even raised my voice.  Haven't done any of those crazy things.  Was able to get off my anxiety pills.  I used to tell him all the time, that there were not enough pills in the world that I could take that would make him any better.  

I am so glad that I left because it p!ssed him off so much that he has treated me like I never existed.  Thats what I wanted.

I felt like I had no closure, no validation, but since I have been on this board, I have gotten that.  I did forgive myself, I actually even forgave him, but I did it for me, not him.  I had to let it go.

[jynx]

CoasterRider,

I love your name.  Know why you would pick it.  It was a roller coaster.  I can't deal with anymore drama in my life.  Got off that roller coaster, will never get on another one. 

I think when I first left, I was missing the drama a little, I felt like my life was so boring.  I like boring now.  Boring isn't boring.  It's actually normal.  It's peaceful and calm.  It's not    every time they walk in the door, and that the optimism there is that at least you are losing weight.     I'm glad I didn't lose my optimism. 

[CoasterRider]

CoasterRider,

I love your name.  Know why you would pick it.  It was a roller coaster.  I can't deal with anymore drama in my life.  Got off that roller coaster, will never get on another one. 

I think when I first left, I was missing the drama a little, I felt like my life was so boring.  I like boring now.  Boring isn't boring.  It's actually normal.  It's peaceful and calm.  It's not    every time they walk in the door, and that the optimism there is that at least you are losing weight.     I'm glad I didn't lose my optimism. 

Lol yea, but Im learning there isnt one specific roller coaster we ride in dealing with these people, there is the one we were on when we were with them, the one we rode during grief when it fell apart, and now the one we ride to detach. We ride that sucker round and round, we go up we go down, side to side, we'll get off when we have   up all that bile and toxic poison from our lives.

Staying on too long just become masochistic, and unhealthy. Im ready to get off the last one.

Are you refering to metaphoric weight? I lost 40lbs from all the stress this has put my body through. Its honestly one of the silver linings to the whole situation 

[jynx]

Mutt,

Sorry I missed your post before.  :)idn't see it till now.  They really knew how to find those buttons.  It took my ex about 10 years to get the first irrational reaction from me.  Thats how calm I used to be.  Plus also, I was afraid of him.  It took about another 12 years before I ever got physical with him.  I think it was because he mostly stayed in the living room, and I took the den.  It was when my kids weren't home that he started to invade my space more and more.  That was when I started hiding out in the garage.

[jynx]

CoasterRider,

I love your name.  Know why you would pick it.  It was a roller coaster.  I can't deal with anymore drama in my life.  Got off that roller coaster, will never get on another one. 

I think when I first left, I was missing the drama a little, I felt like my life was so boring.  I like boring now.  Boring isn't boring.  It's actually normal.  It's peaceful and calm.  It's not    every time they walk in the door, and that the optimism there is that at least you are losing weight.     I'm glad I didn't lose my optimism. 

Lol yea, but Im learning there isnt one specific roller coaster we ride in dealing with these people, there is the one we were on when we were with them, the one we rode during grief when it fell apart, and now the one we ride to detach. We ride that sucker round and round, we go up we go down, side to side, we'll get off when we have   up all that bile and toxic poison from our lives.

Staying on too long just become masochistic, and unhealthy. Im ready to get off the last one.

Are you refering to metaphoric weight? I lost 40lbs from all the stress this has put my body through. Its honestly one of the silver linings to the whole situation 

The weight loss --- I was on a diet, I had another 5 that I wanted to lose.  I lost 10.  He would walk in the door, and IBS started up, I didn't even want to eat, if I ate, it all came back up anyway.  and it was mostly bile and toxic poison.  He even called it  "The (insert last name here) diet".

[CoasterRider]

CoasterRider,

I love your name.  Know why you would pick it.  It was a roller coaster.  I can't deal with anymore drama in my life.  Got off that roller coaster, will never get on another one. 

I think when I first left, I was missing the drama a little, I felt like my life was so boring.  I like boring now.  Boring isn't boring.  It's actually normal.  It's peaceful and calm.  It's not    every time they walk in the door, and that the optimism there is that at least you are losing weight.     I'm glad I didn't lose my optimism. 

Lol yea, but Im learning there isnt one specific roller coaster we ride in dealing with these people, there is the one we were on when we were with them, the one we rode during grief when it fell apart, and now the one we ride to detach. We ride that sucker round and round, we go up we go down, side to side, we'll get off when we have   up all that bile and toxic poison from our lives.

Staying on too long just become masochistic, and unhealthy. Im ready to get off the last one.

Are you refering to metaphoric weight? I lost 40lbs from all the stress this has put my body through. Its honestly one of the silver linings to the whole situation 

He even called it  "The (insert last name here) diet".

I hate throwing up, and when you were going through it, he just mocked you? Im sorry but what a jerk... .

[jynx]

Yes, CR, he mocked me.  Over and over again.  He liked it, it was a joke.  His joke.  I remember a time he came home.  He started on me, I just sat there, did nothing.  Had to  .  He said to me, while I was in the bathroom, I guess you are not making dinner tonight.  Guess I'll go out and pick up a pizza.  And he did. 

Came back with the pizza, put it in the kitchen, took a slice for himself, then stood in the doorway and blocked my way to the kitchen.  I got up, I just wanted to smash that pizza in his face.  I don't know if he knew that was why I was walking to the doorway, or if he thought I was going to the kitchen to get a slice of pizza.

As soon as I was in front of him, he pushed me, pushed me to the floor.  I got up, went to smash the pizza in his face again.  He pushed me to the floor again.  I snapped.  I got up and started singing, " I get knocked down, but I get up again, never gonna keep me down".  Walked back to the doorway, he knocked me down, I got up, and sang the same thing to him, again.  He did this and I did this for at least 25 times.

He finally stopped when he realized that I was taking steps back when I was falling, I wanted to hit my head against the brick wall that was behind our pellet stove.  I wanted to die that day, because I couldn't cry anymore.  I didn't care anymore.

That's how crazy I got !

There were more things, but I think what I already posted shows where I went to, and where I will never go back to.

[CoasterRider]

Yes, CR, he mocked me.  Over and over again.  He liked it, it was a joke.  His joke.  I remember a time he came home.  He started on me, I just sat there, did nothing.  Had to  .  He said to me, while I was in the bathroom, I guess you are not making dinner tonight.  Guess I'll go out and pick up a pizza.  And he did. 

Came back with the pizza, put it in the kitchen, took a slice for himself, then stood in the doorway and blocked my way to the kitchen.  I got up, I just wanted to smash that pizza in his face.  I don't know if he knew that was why I was walking to the doorway, or if he thought I was going to the kitchen to get a slice of pizza.

As soon as I was in front of him, he pushed me, pushed me to the floor.  I got up, went to smash the pizza in his face again.  He pushed me to the floor again.  I snapped.  I got up and started singing, " I get knocked down, but I get up again, never gonna keep me down".  Walked back to the doorway, he knocked me down, I got up, and sang the same thing to him, again.  He did this and I did this for at least 25 times.

He finally stopped when he realized that I was taking steps back when I was falling, I wanted to hit my head against the brick wall that was behind our pellet stove.  I wanted to die that day, because I couldn't cry anymore.  I didn't care anymore.

That's how crazy I got !

There were more things, but I think what I already posted shows where I went to, and where I will never go back to.

Good grief! Be glad you are out of that relationship! You need to totally focus on yourself and heal! I hope you are getting help. Moving on from such an abusive situation can be tough to do alone. All the bad things I say about my ex but he was a sweetheart who wouldnt hurt a fly. If anyone acted like a big mean ogre it was me out of frustration. Im soo sorry you had to deal with that, no one absolutely no one deserves to be treated like that!

[jynx]

CR,

I have been working on myself, I just needed to get all of this out of me, and hopefully for others to read to see what they may be in for.  Mine was a long duration marriage.  27 years married.  3 years, dating.  I didn't know me at all anymore.  I was just trying to survive, just to make it to the next day, but hoping that the next day never came.

Felt like I was fighting for my life, or at least just fighting so that I could exist. 

My head was just screaming all the time, " I'm here, I'm me, I'm a person, I do exist, I do hurt, please hear me".

I left because I think I thought, I might just get homicidal, and its just not worth it. 

He was 6'2", maybe taller, he wouldn't admit to any taller, I was 5'3'' and shrinking.  Outweighed me by about 90 lbs.

OK, this is the sickest I got, I used to fantasize about stabbing him, stabbing him repeatedly, he never died in my fantasies, because I wanted him to get up so I could do it again, and again, and again.  I did tell my psychiatrist about this.  My psychiatrist just asked me if I was homicidal, and wanted him dead.  I told my psych, that I use a knife in my fantasy because I would never pick up a knife.  My psych told me I was normal ?  I left when my fantasy changed from a knife to a cast iron frying pan. That I would have picked up!

Ok, Now will start a new thread today or 2moro, about how I am today.

[jynx]

There was one more thing that I wanted to put here, before I post my recovery thread.  In 1999, I told him I was leaving and divorcing him.  I just couldn't take it anymore, (note, all the stuff I posted was after 1999), prior to that, I didn't post that stuff.  I could, but it wouldn't make a difference anyway.  1999, I was already married 16 years.  So, I told him I was leaving.  Then I found out that I had cancer.  Actually 2 cancers, breast cancer and cervical cancer. 

Warning, may be TMI especially for men.

Breast cancer, stage 1B, cervical cancer, stage 3B. I researched both of these, and things can lay dormant in your body for years, stress seems to bring them out. 

Will skip over all the disgusting details.  I remember thinking about the cervical cancer.  I was sick for a long time.  Instead of having a period, I was dripping blood clots, sometimes as much as 25 each time on the toilet.  This went further back.  About a year before this, I knew something was wrong.  We had a fight one night, and I wanted to drive into a telephone pole.  I wanted to just end it, but I knew that there was something wrong with me, and I had promised my daughter, when she was 8 that I would never kill myself.  (That's another story).  So I don't drive into a pole, I went home, I told my H, now ex, that I knew something was wrong with me, and the both of us looked through the book we had from our medical insurance as to what doctors were covered.  I was going to call the next morning.  The book disappeared.  I searched the house for it, it was just gone.  I just said f... . this.  I never pursued med treatment.  I wanted to die, but I didn't want to kill myself, I was actually happy that by letting things go, I wouldn't have to do anything. 

It was about 13 months later that the blood clots became unmanageable.  I was severely anemic. So after I told him that I wanted a divorce, I finally figured out how to use the computer to research.  I had diagnosed myself before even seeing a Dr. 

I didn't see the breast cancer thing though, they made me have other tests, and that showed up then.

So now I am too weak to leave, my ex finally steps up to the plate.  He takes care of me through all of this.  Well except for his birthday. 

I wasn't able to have sex during this period of time.  I wanted to try for his birthday.  He came home drunk at 10 at night.  I was just too tired to fight.  I had cooked that day, put on sexy baby dolls pjs, and he didn't come home till late.  I told him how upset I was about this, that I wanted to do something really nice for him, since he was so good to me through all of this.  He replied, "well, you could have s... ked me".

Ok, I let that pass.  Things are going pretty well.  I finish my treatment in Jan 2000.  I'm still weak and tired.  Been doing chemo and radiation since April 1999. 

Having a good convo with him in 3/2000.  Thought we were getting along just fine.  Thought he changed because he almost lost me.  Oh, forgot to mention, I also had a DVT during this time.  Deep Vein Thrombosis, blood clot in leg, that could shoot up to your lung and kill you.  So were are having a pleasant conversation, and he for no reason that I could see says "I see you are back to your old b!tchy self again".  I said what?  I thought we were getting along and having a decent conversation, I don't know what I said or did for this.  He told me that I am now strong enough, and that he can't deal with me anymore.

[maxen]

jynx this thread is amazing to read. really i've got to face myself this way: not in the FOG way, but this way.

here's a post by a poster named AwareNow from April 1 2011:

Although my fuse is long, the continue provocation by my ex was not complete until she turned me into a equal chaotic reactive idiot myself. I think we should be commended for controlling ourselves to the degree we did after direct and continual harassment, taunts and daring.

i have that printed out and up on the corkboard.

My last communication with his parents was to text them and tell them to F off and they were blind and the biggest enablers I've ever met.

you're my hero

[dharmagems]

My habit was run to my home office and locking the door and sleeping on the floor in a sleeping mat and cry and shake and believe it was all my fault and stay there depressed.  Mostly these times he would chase after me and would yell through the door. Usually an hour later, he would knock gently to apologize. 

I would yell at him back profanities about being so attached to his mother.

At a campground, I didn't have enough sleep because I couldn't sleep through the night, and in the morning, he would loose his fuse and one time, I couldn't control it, so I yelled back all this pent up rage and all the campers heard it. 

On our honeymoon to Hawaii, after he kicked my bags off the bed in a hostel, I took the rented car and drove off.  After 30 mins, I returned to pick him up. 

After he threw a concrete block thorough the window and was arrested the next day.  Days after that I was shaking.  I started hitting the bed with a child's baseball bat, and I lost it.

We were in the bed, and I lost it, started smashing the alarm clock on the desk and table, and then lamp, and said if he keeps talking I will put my head through the window.  I called my sister and she told me to run out of the house.  I went to another place and slept there for 1 week.  I couldn't stop shaking.

My worst times were when he was yelling at me one morning for choosing to go camping alone I couldn't handle it so I locked myself in my office room and started hitting the wooden shelf with my metal hole puncher.  Kept hitting it, and completely lost it saying, "you're bad, you're bad, you're bad!'  to myself.

Then the worst was during our separation, during Christmas holidays, he said again, that it's my fault and I just couldn't handle it, so I started hitting my chest and head, and kept doing it.  I too was crazy and out of it.  I just couldn't stand it any longer and that was the last and turning point. 

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

Wow, amazing reading, and very powerful honesty, thanks for sharing.

I'm going to add my 50 cents, and get a load off about the crazy crap I did whilst involved with exBP on and off for 4 years.

I installed a key-logger, to see if I could catch him out cheating/using drugs etc, (no longer use it as he changed his passwords elsewhere, well at least to his bank account since then I wouldn't know where he was going each day).

Tired of his justifications of abusive behaviour and accusations constantly towards me.

At one point, I was so screwed up over his continued cheating accusations and abuse, that I held one of my kitchen knives to my chest, and told him I was prepared to kill myself to prove to him I wasn't cheating, (I must say he stopped his sh**t pretty quickly that night).

That little doozy was after ongoing sleep deprivations, workplace/home harassment, threats, attempted murders, ongoing financial abuse, sexual abuse, (threats to find another woman and disgusting disparaging comments about my body), property damages, you name it.

I have, (since he left again on the 4/3) finally ordered a Hair follicle drug test, to test his body hair for Meth use, (long been a suspicion because of his obsession with who else is on it, and his own appearance, habits and behaviour, not to mention his money situation).



At times during times of splits/fights and his disappearing acts, sent him texts telling him off, some of which were very insulting, and occasionally verbally abusive back.



Meanwhile his verbal abuse towards me has never let up, and he feels perfectly justified. My frequent name is F****N C**T, or SL**T.

OH, and not to mention, he often calls me the Abuser! (what a joke)

Have called the police several times, and contemplated having him charged for attempted murder and assaults, also long considered a restraining order.

Never went through with the restraining order, as I believed his threats, and still do, live in fear pretty much permanently.

There have been threats to ruin my reputation in this community too.

Contemplated calling the police and having him charged for all the stuff he has stolen over the time I have known him.

Again, too scared to actually go through with it.

Driven around, looking to see if I can catch him out at another woman's house.

This was after 4 years of being permanently stalked by him, including any friends I may have had once, (should I add the threats he made about them?)

I ended up doing mad searches, and finding out his estranged friends numbers, (like a super detective!).

A couple of them, I contacted, and learnt more of the lies BP was telling about me, and also set them straight. They were shocked to the extent of things, but not totally surprised, as they had all seen this before.

I contacted one of his exes from 10 years ago, that he still rants on about today, (I did this 2 years ago). I wanted to find out the real reason they didn't get married and she ran from the altar, as he likes to put it.



He also likes to say that she ran off with all his money, but knowing what I have seen with his money/finances, I highly doubt he was telling the truth over that one either.

She told me that they were together for 2 years, and planning a wedding, but in the last 6 months, his treatment of her got worse and worse, and more abusive. She gave him an ultimatum, go to counselling or the wedding is off, and she gave him a few days to think about it, taking herself off for a few days as well for a break.

When she returned a few days later, he had moved out back into his own place, and it was over.

She then applied for a new job, (had just finished her training study) and went overseas, first stopping in to their joint bank account, and withdrew all the money, or tried to, (according to him).

She obviously didn't get to, or maybe she did, but at any rate, he says the Bank Teller told him his fiance' had just tried to rip him off.

Knowing what I have seen of his finances over the 4 years I have known him, I find it hard to believe that he would have been the one putting all the money into their joint account and that he was supporting her totally whilst she studied.

I do know her parents were incredibly wealthy, and he was living in her place, which I doubt he was paying for, since I know he has been scabbing off me and his elderly parents as well.

His Mother told me that her son BP had been using them as a convenience for the past 17 years, both financially and otherwise, he still is.

Me? Well, its been 4 so far.

Needless to say, my bank account is looking a lot healthier, even in 4 days, no more double lots of cigarettes to buy to support his chain smoking habit, whilst he sits around most days surfing the net on my internet, doing little to nothing, or sleeping all day.

Jeeze, I could go on forever...

Sorry guys.

4 years of having to suppress most of your emotions hasn't been healthy.

There wasn't much point trying to share them with a 5 year old, I went to counselling instead. But since being back with BP for almost 4 months, after a break of 4 months of silent treatment, my head was in such a whirl with him being around, that I overlooked my last appointment.