Compulsive Debtors and Trauma Abstinence

[Waifed]

I purchased a book about trauma bonding and learned something very interesting that put a lot of things that I experienced into perspective.  I have read so many stories of their exes being compulsive spenders.  I had the exact opposite experience and I never understood.  My ex was very frugal.  She would not buy herself nice things and when I bought them for her she wouldn't use them.  Sometimes she would return them for credit on my credit card.  I thought this was to spite me.  She deprived herself of nice things because she thought she was unworthy.  Fear and terror drive this trauma abstinence.  She was also very in control of herself and her actions at all times.  She never raged or even cursed at me in 3 years.  Very atypical of many on here.  

Other items of trauma abstinence are depriving yourself of basic needs.  Some avoid sexual pleasure (not her) even though she would pinch the ___ out of my arm when we had sex!  They are also often underemployed, underachieving, make extreme sacrifices for work because of dedication (ex. feeling bad about going on vacation).  They see comfort, luxuries, and play activities as frivolous, and they often avoid normal activities because of fear. Starving and overeating are also common.  

When they do lose control it is obsessive and extreme.  

My ex exhibited almost all of these and I just didn't understand how she was so different than many on here.  :)id anyone else experience anything like this?  It makes me sad because it is one more indication that she was abused as a child, something I think she tried one day to open up to me, but I just didn't comprehend that things like this really happened.  

So much of my processing is starting to come together and it really leads you to forgive once you realize how much trauma pwBPD traits have gone through.  I can't hate her because she is coping the best that she can with the tools she has available.  I can't ever be with her because her coping skills will never allow her to have a healthy relationship unless she was willing to seek help.  I believe that this is very unlikely to happen.  I can see so much more clearly how pwBPD see relationships completely different than most people. It is basic survival.  So extremely sad.

[Want2know]

I'm sorry I do not know your situation in detail.  Was she diagnosed as BPD?

[restoredsight]

My wife has similar issues. Doesn't take care of her things, loses everything, doesn't really value what she does have. It's that waif trait that is talked about in Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Lawson.

www.books.google.com/books?id=1VWNg7q1_7YC&printsec=frontcover&source=gbs_ge_summary_r&cad=0#v=onepage&q=Gives%20away%2C%20loses&f=false

She likes to spend money, mostly on nice dinners, but she's never cared for the things she's owned or things given to her. I used to be hurt when I'd give her things and they'd just get neglected and lost, especially when she was so excited about receiving them for a brief moment.

[restoredsight]

I'm starting to think some of us need a club or something for dealing with waif types. The issue, I think, is that they are nearly invisible. I can tell you without any hesitation that between my hermit/witch (1st)wife and my Waif wife (current) the Waif has hurt me far more, and there's little information to be found.

I did find this excerpt from a book I'd like to get. It explains a lot about upbringing. I send my sister-in-law a link to it, and she said, "Yes. That's us. That's her and me."

www.heartjunky.wordpress.com/2011/12/03/precocious-ego-development/

[In_n_Out]

My waif dBPDxgf was very frugal as well.  She only shops at Goodwill and the Dollar Store.  She's great at finding nice clothes at Goodwill and we have been to every GW within 150 miles of the city that we live in.  I bought her nice things but the only thing that she uses/kept is the watch that I bought her (and it's a nice watch but not overly expensive).  I assumed that the GW shopping was because she's always been broke and I'm sure that's most of it but there are probably issues of feeling unworthy of having more.  That despite her desire for a home (that someone else will need to provide) and trips (she's about to go on a cruise with my replacement).  She has traveled the world because of her parents so she is somewhat "worldly".

My ex doesn't eat.  I mean literally... . a rabbit would starve on her diet.  She has a car that isn't even in her name.  She drives it illegally.  She has a nice rental home but I know that she can't afford it.  I helped with so many of her bills and so no doubt my replacement is now helping her.

She has a low sex drive.  Sex was infrequent with us and it finally got to the point to where she would satisfy me without even taking off her clothes.  She complained that she would always get UTI's or she was having an outbreak (STD from a previous r/s).  But she did use sex to secure the r/s with me initially and she has done so with my replacement (by her own admission). 

Yeah, the waif type is difficult and are pure heartbreakers.  If she was the type that raged, I'd of walked away so much more easily.  I've had past gf's that had very bad tempers and I didn't tolerate that at all.  I wished that mine was the raging type, this wouldn't be so hard!

[Allmessedup]

Funny... . I never thought abou this... . very interesting!

My ex was/is always broke. I bailed her out more times than I could count and in fact one time she actually raged at me for not bailing her out fast enough.

But that's not the part that intrigues me.  It's the stuff part.

I have no idea what has happened since we ended ten weeks ago, but every single silent treatment that lasted any amount of time she would literally go on this rampage and get rid of all sorts of things.  Some things would be aimed directly at me.  She hacked our private blog and deleted everything, she threw out binders of letters we had shared, she tossed or sold gifts I had given her or things that were meaningful to the relationship.  She destroyed many many things.

But she also tossed other stuff or sold it.  Things she needed... . rain boots, medications, her printer, all sorts of bizarre stuff.  Literally she threw away all but 2 pairs of jeans the last argument.

She also loses things at an amazing rate.  She has lost her debit card no less than 4 times in 12 months.  She forgets where she puts things... . she gives things away she can't afford to give. 

She is a waif/hermit type.

It makes me think that there was more to it than her simply wanting to "simplify". Or to erase the memories of me as she claimed.

Interesting thread

[Waifed]

Thanks for the responses.  I agree that the waif type is so different and there is so little information out there.  Its like you have to put the pieces together to try and figure out how they have become who they are.  After reading about trauma bonding to help myself hopefully get over this last hurdle, I have come across so much stuff that makes it clear in my mind that she suffered some sort of abuse.  Her behavior just fits all to well with a trauma abuse victim.  

I never thought of myself as a trauma bond victim but after taking the test within the book I clearly suffer to some degree.  I think that a significant number of others do as well.  I am pretty codependent and have been in therapy for 6 months working on it. (its been an awesome experience), BUT the one thing that stands out about trauma bonding is that ANYONE can be sucked in and suffer from it!  It is not only a codependent thing, although this could be what keeps us in the relationship for it to reach the point of trauma bonding.  

Everyone keep their heads up. I have found that after 6 months, I will forgive her.  I never thought I would say that.  I also know I have a bright future.  I never thought I would say that.  I am happy again.  I never thought I would say that.  Am I completely healed.  Nope, but I feel it coming over the horizon and it is wonderful to feel positive again.

BTW, the name of the book is "The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships" by Patrick Carnes.  It is an easy read.

[restoredsight]

Yeah, abuse or perceived abuse is the root of all of this. The theory, as I understand it, is that either the parent was overbearing and denied their child's rights to feel and be themselves, and/or the child is extremely sensitive and the parent's roles are perceived this way. My wife wasn't allowed to be angry.

The most surprising and violent thing she ever did to me was after several good days we spent together, at the end of which she had to go home. She was living with her parents at the time. She begged me to go with her, but I simply couldn't, and I apologized. I went in for a hug and she reached out grabbed my nipple and wrenched at it. She had the most horrible frown and angry eyes I'd seen. Her mother, who was nearby, yelled at her, "_____, stop that!" She jumped and looked a bit confused, but was cold towards me.

I was angry and confused as hell. I stayed that way for a couple of days.

She never did anything like it again, and displayed no behaviors similar to that once we got back together.

The whole scene was strange. Her doing such a childishly violent thing and then her mom yelling at her like she was 5.