So confused right now

[lawadm1]

My complete story is here from the new message board... . https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=221971.0


First of all, my fiance could be the sweetest most caring girl, and then in a blink of an eye something ,usually small, would cause her to get angry.  One example would be she completely changed her hair color one day, and when I saw her I was shocked.  She did not like the look on my face, so she just left and went back to her place and wouldn't talk to me for a couple days.

The first break up was last September when one day she comes to me and says that she needs to take a "break".  That she needs to "find herself".  She had gotten lost in the relationship, and she was gaining weight, and she had to do something.  I knew she was gaining weight, but I didn't dare want to question her on how this was happening.  We were eating better, at least when she was with me.  But she lives and works in a different city, so obviously I couldn't track everything.  Junk food, chocolate, and fast food were her "soothers".

I tried to tell her that I know we can work this out.  You can get a personal trainer, and that I would help her any way that I can.  This just seemed to make her more furious, and that she just wanted a "break", one month.  I've never had a "break" ever before in a relationship.  It was either we are or we aren't.  I asked her if we could compromise by seeing a counselor (the counselor that she sees weekly) once a week, and then we would be NC the rest of the week.  She was reluctant, but ultimately agreed.  This helped us a lot.  I realized that I wasn't giving her those words of affirmation that she needed.  That I didn't make her feel beautiful.  And I can honestly say that I was guilty of that, and that I tend to take the relationship for granted.  And she learned some things that I was missing from her.  We got back together on Halloween, 2013.

Breakup #2: My fiance broke everything off this last Friday, including the engagement.  I'm still trying to figure out if it was her having BPD (undiagnosed), or if it was really me.  I've read a lot of posts and articles on this site, but it still makes one wonder sometimes.  This time no "break".  She just wanted it over.  She said that she just couldn't have an adult conversation with me, and that the negatives of the relationship outweighed the positives.  It's kind of hard to have an adult conversation with someone when you have to walk on eggshells all of the time in fear that she is going to get mad and leave if you say the wrong thing.  This is where I'm still racking my brain as to what set this off.  Not even a week before this, she was telling me how much she loved me, and that I was her sexy man.

The last thing that we talked about before I noticed a change in her was me joining a running club to get in shape.  Later that day she asked me if I was going to leave her for a running girl, and she has said similar things like that before, but I always told her no, that I loved her.  After this, her communication back with me diminished quite a bit.  So after a couple of days of either no responses or one word replies, I told her that if she felt threatened by this running club, that I would quit it, and just train on my own.  She was furious, and said not to put me wanting to quit the running club on her, that she was nothing but supportive, and that she even went with me to get shoes.  She started saying that since I put the dogs and my sons before her, the least that I could do is listen to her.  I said ok, lets calm down and we can talk at your place tonight about this, and she said ok.  We talked about it briefly because of course I was worried about saying the wrong thing.  She said that I put too much focus on that one thing she said about me trading her in for a running girl.  I said fine.  I will not take that seriously when you say things like that anymore, and told her not to be mad at me.  Things calmed down, and we watched TV until I went home.

She came by that next weekend like she usually does, and I could just tell things were not the same with her, and I kept asking if she was alright, and she would say "yes" with that frustrated voice.  My sons were over that weekend, and we usually wait until after they leave for our alone time, but this time she wanted to leave early.  I said ok, something is wrong, and just to tell me.  I asked her if she doesn't like to have the alone time with me anymore, and bot did that set something off.  She says that I always say stuff like that, and fine we'll wait (like she was throwing a fit).  And I said nevermind, just go get your stuff done at home that you need to.  I didn't hear anything back from her for 2 days after that.  I finally sent a text asking her if she was ok, or if I needed to start calling the hospitals.  She finally replied that she was fine and that we'll talk tonight.  Well, that was the talk where she said it just isn't going to work.  All of the negatives outweighed the positives in this relationship.  There was no us having a serious talk before she does something like this.  She did agree to see the counselor one more time, but that was only to have a third party assist with the breakup.  This is where she asked me to take care of her dog, and she was still wearing the engagement ring.  So confusing.  Why didn't she give it back right there?

It's only been about 4 days, but I just cannot understand how she can do something like this and seem to not have a care in the world.  Like it's just another day at the office for her.

[lawadm1]

Ooops.  I think I was given the wrong link to post on.  Can I move it?  Or does a moderator have to do it?

[Turkish]

First of all, my fiance could be the sweetest most caring girl, and then in a blink of an eye something ,usually small, would cause her to get angry.  One example would be she completely changed her hair color one day, and when I saw her I was shocked.  She did not like the look on my face, so she just left and went back to her place and wouldn't talk to me for a couple days.

My Ex did this a lot. Confirmed by something I found written in her journal (background: she left them in my house after she moved out, but left them out conspicuously when she was still here), she was changing her outside to fit her moods. If her hair stylist were a corporation, I'd buy stock due to the amount of time she spends there.

My opinion is that due to not being able to control or change her emotions, she changed something that she could control. Throughout our long break-up as she was conducting an affair out of my home, it was the constant posting of selfies on FB, even beyond what the typical Millennials post. It's that need for validation. pwBPD can misunderstand communication cues in other people. The look on your face may have been entirely normal (I'm sure it was), but due to her core self (or lack thereof), it triggered her lack of self worth.

Mine is very pretty. I knew she was carrying on her affair, hardly hiding it.We were "technically" broken up, but I let her live in my house because we have little kids, and I was trying to navigate the mess with as little drama as possible. One night as she was going to the gym (probably to meet her paramour), I said, "you know, uBPDx, you really are a beautiful woman!" I said and meant it in all sincerity. She instantly broke down and tears started flowing, and she thanked me with a gravitas and gratitude normally reserved for rescuing one's child from certain death. So unstable!

[lawadm1]

I'm really sorry to hear about your experience.  Especially with a young child. 

The reason that I keep second guessing myself, is because a lot of what I hear on this site is the BPD person is cheating, and not even hiding it.  My fiance never cheated on me, that I know of.  Or at least she was really good at hiding it.  But we were together every weekend, so lets just say that it would be hard for me not to find out.

We would do a lot of the "usual" stuff on the weekends. and she was always just as excited as me about it.  She couldn't wait to get to TGIF's on Friday night.  Then at the breakup, she tells me that we never did anything new, and that looking back she should have told me that we need to pick a new spot.

This is a girl that is so private, she will not create a Facebook account, she will not use online bill pay, she doesn't want her parents to know where she lives, and she has to pay cash to her counselor so that her work will never find a paper trail.

All of my friends tell me that there were so many red flags, but honestly, I didn't listen.  I always made an excuse for the reason that she did what she did.  Even my mom asked me if I thought it was normal that she wasn't with her family on the Holiday's.  I did think it was a little strange, but she told me that she had her reasons.  I even offered to go talk to them myself, but that wasn't going to happen.

Honestly, I don't know what she may or may not have.  Some say BPD, which when I read articles does sound exactly like her, but then again it seems like most of them are cheaters, so I start doubting that one.

Then I have friends that say she's passive/aggressive.  And then my fiance says that bi-polar disorder runs in her family.  So there's my confusion.

[Turkish]

a  few short points ( I'm typing I'm my phone):

not  all pwBPD  cheat.

BPD  is often misdiagnosed as bipolar.  pwBPD often have other illnesses that are comorbid with the disorder.  mine was diagnosed with depression a few years ago.

perhaps an " official"  diagnosis would help some of us get out of the  FOG  when we think, " was it is?",  but I  know what I experienced.  mine exhibited 5/9  traits by year 2.  at the end of year 6,  it was 7  or 8/9 ( no cutting,  no suicide attempts).  her behaviors were typical BPD.  Though uBPD,  the things she did still hurt, a  lot.

My mother,  diagnosed with severe depression 20  years ago,  has several BPD traits,  when I examine everything in retrospect,  though I don't think she'd qualify for an official diagnosis.  Like my  Ex,  her behaviors towards me as a child still hurt. 

[Turkish]

She did agree to see the counselor one more time, but that was only to have a third party assist with the breakup. 

In a similar manner, mine took me to couples' counseling, only to abandon me there to get "fixed." She did this in Year 2 as well for a different thing. $2K and many months later, my T doesn't think there is anything really "wrong" with me. Rescuer Traits, sure. Ultimately mismatched with her, definitely (this shocked me when he said it, but it is true). In one of our rare arguments later, she threw out there, ":)r X said blah blah blah... . " using something he said to validate one of her complaints about me to put me down. So yes, I can see where they might want that 3rd party to step in to validate them.

As for your feelings about this, it is very, very soon for you. Your feelings are similar to where most of us have been at the point of break up, especially if we did not choose it. There is a process to this, which is why we are all here.

Us: The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss

Do you feel at all like if you had done x,y,z, then this might not have happened?

[HerPerpetuallyTornLover]

All of the negatives outweighed the positives in this relationship.  There was no us having a serious talk before she does something like this.  She did agree to see the counselor one more time, but that was only to have a third party assist with the breakup.  This is where she asked me to take care of her dog, and she was still wearing the engagement ring.  So confusing.  Why didn't she give it back right there?

It's only been about 4 days, but I just cannot understand how she can do something like this and seem to not have a care in the world.  Like it's just another day at the office for her.

What you wrote here really rings true, I got left last week by my dBPDxgf. We were rocky but we were putting the relationship first to try and fix it (or, I was, hahaha). Its amazing how they can make that kind of decision to leave, easier than she could have decided on what sweater to buy, or what to do for the night... . total life changing decisions to leave people who care for them very much and would do anything to help them. Im sorry you had to experience that

[lawadm1]

On the x,y,z question.  The last 2 days I've been asking myself if I would have just talked to her about the issues instead of trying to avoid the conflict.  If I would have just talked to her more about the engagement, and what our plans were going to be in more detail.  What city are we going to live in?  Who's going to do all the driving?  These discussions were put on hold for various reasons, and she was fine with that... . well, at least that's what she told me.

It seems like I read those LESSONS articles every day, and reading those over again helps a lot.  It's like they just wrote about my experience.

[Turkish]

On the x,y,z question.  The last 2 days I've been asking myself if I would have just talked to her about the issues instead of trying to avoid the conflict.

That's a tough one. Talking may be triggering to a pwBPD (and from your story, it sounds like it was), while avoiding conflict may be seen as abandonment. I experienced both of these. It was long before I came here and looked at the communication tools. Even so, we are people as well, most with our own issues big or small. We deserve to be healthy, not constantly invalidated and devalued (while being accused of doing the same to them) or abused.

If I would have just talked to her more about the engagement, and what our plans were going to be in more detail.  What city are we going to live in?  Who's going to do all the driving?  These discussions were put on hold for various reasons, and she was fine with that... . well, at least that's what she told me.

It seems like I read those LESSONS articles every day, and reading those over again helps a lot.  It's like they just wrote about my experience.

I didn't see a direct link to the FOG article in the Lessons (it's in Suggested Reading), so here it is if you haven't seen it:

What it means to be in the "FOG"

"The FOG keeps us from seeing that we have choices, we have the power to take back our lives, and we can't cure another person of their mental illness and we don't deserve or have to put up with abuse."

[lawadm1]

Looking back there were so many red flags. 

1) Being 36 and she had never been married... . I don't know why I didn't think too much about this one at the time, but now I think it should have been a red flag.  She said she came close once, but the guy walked out on her, and now I know why.  She always told me that they were perfect on paper, but he couldn't get over her being successful in her career.

2) Then there was being 36, and never had children.  I understand some women wait, but she told me that she didn't want to have children because mental illness runs in her family.  Why didn't that one scream red flag?  I didn't mind because I already had 2 boys (16 and 18 at the time), and I didn't want any more kids.  Perfect match for me, right?

3) She tells me that she sees a counselor once a week for years, and that she's been on Prozac for years, and without it she would cry all of the time.  Again, this should have been another red flag in my opinion that something just wasn't right there.  I can understand seeing a counselor, maybe once a month.  But I took it as she was investing in herself by seeing this counselor to head off signs of being Bi-polar, etc. (Or so she told me that)  I'm pretty sure BPD hasn't crossed their minds yet, but it really needs to.

4) She won't even speak to her parents, and if they attempt to contact her, she almost flips out and has to double her dose of Prozac (on her own).  Then once things calm down, and she goes back to the regular dose and complains of dizziness.  Should have been a red flag.  I still don't think I know the entire story with her parents.  She only tells me what she wants me to know.  All I know is that her dad left at some point, but then came back.

5) You did not want to get in an argument with her.  You would not win because she would bolt if things got heated.  Not "It's over" bolting, but she would run to her house and start the silent treatment until you contacted her to smooth things out.  And if I didn't contact her, she would go weeks without contact, and not even blink.  This even happened early on in our relationship, and it was something ridiculously small like I didn't want to go out to eat, and I said that I'd fix dinner, but then all of a sudden I didn't want to be seen with her.  So she left and went back to her house.  I don't even remember how I wrote that one off.  But another red flag.

6) She told me that she's had so many relationships being single over the years.   I do remember asking if it was over 20 one time, and she just laughed.  After that, I told her that I didn't want to know.  Of course this is a huge red flag, especially after finding out about this site.  But I had never even heard of BPD until last week.

7)  Then there was the first real breakup.  She need to "find herself" again.  She needed to "work on herself".  She wanted no contact for a month.  What?  I have never once in my life heard of a "break" for a month.  Let's work things out with counseling, or just end it.  Nope.  One month NC.  My friends screamed at me to end this relationship.  That there's something seriously wrong with this woman's thinking and rationale.  Red flag, and did I listen?  Instead, I told her that I didn't want to give up on her, and that I knew we could work these things out with some counseling.  So we saw her weekly counselor as our couple counselor.  Wow.  Did that end up being a setup.  The counselor fed the ex- everything she wanted to hear, and threw me under the bus.  I guess it's all about who's paying the bills.

Then there was the last breakup, which led me to this site thanks to a friend, and the rest is history.  I can't believe I put myself thru this now.

[HerPerpetuallyTornLover]

7)  Then there was the first real breakup.  She need to "find herself" again.  She needed to "work on herself".  She wanted no contact for a month.  What?  I have never once in my life heard of a "break" for a month.  Let's work things out with counseling, or just end it.  Nope.  One month NC.  My friends screamed at me to end this relationship.  That there's something seriously wrong with this woman's thinking and rationale.  Red flag, and did I listen?  Instead, I told her that I didn't want to give up on her, and that I knew we could work these things out with some counseling.  So we saw her weekly counselor as our couple counselor.  Wow.  Did that end up being a setup.  The counselor fed the ex- everything she wanted to hear, and threw me under the bus.  I guess it's all about who's paying the bills.

Then there was the last breakup, which led me to this site thanks to a friend, and the rest is history.  I can't believe I put myself thru this now.

Holy cow, Im not the only one who experienced the whole "BPD goes go counselor who paints me black so she dumps me" deal! Oh my gosh. Im not crazy.