She said it's over

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

After telling my girlfriend why I'm so upset today, I end it with "You got something to say to me, say it now." She said

"I'm gonna have my own place soon, and when I leave we're done." She said it calmly. Like she'd contemplated it for some time. Part of me was relieved to hear it, but part of me not so much

Yesterday, or maybe the day before... .

My BPDSO had a panic attack. I was less than sympathetic about it. I felt remorse that I responded angrily. But this sort of scene has played out numerous times. She wouldn't get her meds, then puts it on me to help her get them. Of course she refused to call her doctor even though she knew she had to. I told her she needed to call weeks ago and she flat out refused to do so. Next thing I know, she's way more unstable and now has panic attacks.

She's had seizures because she neglected her meds. She doesnt seem to care when she has them, but I DO. Having taken her through the subway to get to my folks in order to get to a car to drive to pick up the medicine was taxing. She refused emergency services. I couldn't just leave her to have those seizures. So when she had her panic attack yesterday I snapped.

My therapist said witnessing someone have a seizure, taking care of them can be traumatic. What I went through to get her to her doctor... . I never thought of it as traumatic. Either way, it doesn't excuse the way I acted when she had her episode, like she does every few weeks.

She's finding a place, and we're basically done. I'm happy she finally said it.

Despite being somewhat glad that she no longer wants to be with me, I'm left wondering was I maybe the abusive one? It's possible. I feel like her leaving is just the beginning, that I'm only going further downhill. I'm really the bad guy somehow.

[Vatz]

After telling my girlfriend why I'm so upset today, I end it with "You got something to say to me, say it now." She said

"I'm gonna have my own place soon, and when I leave we're done." She said it calmly. Like she'd contemplated it for some time. Part of me was relieved to hear it, but part of me not so much

Yesterday, or maybe the day before... .

My BPDSO had a panic attack. I was less than sympathetic about it. I felt remorse that I responded angrily. But this sort of scene has played out numerous times. She wouldn't get her meds, then puts it on me to help her get them. Of course she refused to call her doctor even though she knew she had to. I told her she needed to call weeks ago and she flat out refused to do so. Next thing I know, she's way more unstable and now has panic attacks.

She's had seizures because she neglected her meds. She doesnt seem to care when she has them, but I DO. Having taken her through the subway to get to my folks in order to get to a car to drive to pick up the medicine was taxing. She refused emergency services. I couldn't just leave her to have those seizures. So when she had her panic attack yesterday I snapped.

My therapist said witnessing someone have a seizure, taking care of them can be traumatic. What I went through to get her to her doctor... . I never thought of it as traumatic. Either way, it doesn't excuse the way I acted when she had her episode, like she does every few weeks.

She's finding a place, and we're basically done. I'm happy she finally said it.

Despite being somewhat glad that she no longer wants to be with me, I'm left wondering was I maybe the abusive one? It's possible. I feel like her leaving is just the beginning, that I'm only going further downhill. I'm really the bad guy somehow.

[LettingGo14]

Thanks for writing Vatz.  Several things you said resonate with me.

She's finding a place, and we're basically done. I'm happy she finally said it.

I was completely enmeshed in the drama of my relationship.  At times, I'd feel like my ex was trying to rip me open to find the control panel, and I'd push away.   At other times, I'd feel like she was a million miles away, or viewing me as her persecutor.  It was a brutal way to live, but I was an active participant.

We said "goodbye" a number of times.  Then, finally, after she abandoned the relationship last November, and a few "re-connects" with an eye to "fixing" it, she suddenly dropped it and said goodbye.  A couple weeks after a midnight text of "I miss you" she said, "I won't write again."

I was relieved, as well, at least momentarily.

But, then the deep pain emerged in me, and the hard work began.

I made a commitment, with the help of this community, to detach.  I blocked phone, e-mail, social media -- everything that could be used to recycle.  And I committed myself to the leaving board.

Still, I was devastated, man.   Crushed.  Rejected.  Abandoned. 

The thing is, I now realize that pain is my key to freedom.   That pain comes from within me.  And if I feel it, and process it, and go through it, I will emerge (hopefully) as a healthier adult, who has a higher capability to withstand criticism, avoid co-dependence, and self-regulate.

Despite being somewhat glad that she no longer wants to be with me, I'm left wondering was I maybe the abusive one? It's possible. I feel like her leaving is just the beginning, that I'm only going further downhill. I'm really the bad guy somehow.

My inner critic has the voice of my xBPDgf.   "You can't commit."  "You are trying to control me."  "You set me back to ground zero."

I bought that s--- for a long time.  Until I found this community.

I can't fix her.  I can't save the relationship.  And, I can't own her baggage.   That's what I learned in reading about BPD.   It doesn't absolve me and my role -- but it frees me to look at me and my role.

And, for the first time in my life, I'm saying to myself, "You're okay."  That means I have to forgive myself.  That means I have to sit with this BS and not run from it, or fix it.

But, I'm going uphill, one slow step at a time.

Thanks for posting, and we're here for you.

[Tolou]

V... .

She had her condition prior to knowing, and will after.  She may neglect the meds, but she knows what the outcome will mean, no meds, seizure, ATTENTION, and thats from you or medical staff.  In a way, it's a tantrum, the I see it.

My would neglect her meds too, and she did, she got sick, then needed someone to take care of her, "rescue me, im sick"... . as bad I felt, eventually, I saw the pattern.  They may not be "intentionally manipulating" even though we percieve it as that, it's their under-developed way of getting what they, in the only way they know how... . Its sad, but I was done running to the call of this person who not acting like that before we met (atleast I didn't see it), then suddenly bam... . their, helpless, hopeless, desperate etc... . they were always like that, it is that you can only hide that for so long from people, the mask wears off, and when it does, watch out.

[Clearmind]

Vatz, your GF has been staying with you (off and on) since August/October 2013 - you know the deal by now. What's happening with this relationship? You have the power to change status quo.

[Vatz]

Vatz, your GF has been staying with you (off and on) since August/October 2013 - you know the deal by now. What's happening with this relationship? You have the power to change status quo.

The last month I told her she needed to find a place of her own. She wasn't against the idea. Now I think she may have found one, she's just saving up money. It'll probably be a month or so untill she's completely gone. She stays with me then goes for a while, but after the move she ain't coming back here. I'm probably gonna change my phone number.

As for what's happening? Yeah, no it's over. She said she doesn't want to be with me. I gave her reason to leave me. Which, come to think of it... . probably the best outcome. Rather than break up with her, I got her to break it off with me. Basically the way I acted when she had her panic attack was I suppose where she drew the line. "I forgive you, but I don't want to be with you anymore" is what she said.

I talked about it with my therapist, and I remember reading a while back on the boards about slowly detaching and making the break-up THEIR decision. The relationship was dying a slow death anyway, and there sure as hell was no fixing it. I know that now.

[Vatz]

@lettingo: Thanks very much. I've been drinking too much of the kool-aid. I've tried to avoid the pain for so long, so scared of it. I never really saw it as a tool. Trying to avoid the pain was probably why I stayed so long.

@Tolou: She never got much attention and sympathy from doctors. At least not the kind she WANTED or felt entitled to. So maybe that's why she did what she did with me. Whenever she did ask for some attention and time alone together, inevitably she'd pull out her phone and start texting within minutes of us hanging out.