Accepting my new reality...

[Madison66]

I'm 110 days out of my 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf with n/c for nearly that entire time.  I allowed myself to endure emotional abuse that turned physical in the end.  It was the most confusing r/s as an adult that I have ever experienced.  I constantly struggled dealing with her lack of empathy and that we were living different realities.  The chaos was unending from beginning to end.  I held on to the "dream" and did not live my true self for so long.  There was no way for me to remain in the r/s and live my true self.

I've learned so many life lessons and experienced so many gifts even in the face of significant pain and personal struggle.  Through a great deal of work with my T, I've found self love and acceptance.  There is peace in my life and a greater sense of self awareness.  I have to admit that six months ago I started to give up on the belief that I could one day feel this way.  I now understand that I must be good to myself to be the best for those I love.  I will hold on to that learning for the rest of my life.

I'm now entering a new r/s with a fantastic non PD lady.  She communicates openly and honestly.  She shows great patience, understanding, compassion, empathy and unselfishness.  We have been open with each other about our past r/s experiences in a way that brings it back to the present - what did we learn and how did the experiences shape us.  I'm seeing healthy mirroring on both of our parts.  I have found myself being open with her of my struggles and areas I'm working on even if it makes me feel vulnerable.  I don't know where this r/s will lead to, but it feels healthy and nothing like what I experienced with my ex gf.

This last weekend, I dealt with a family health struggle and feared that my new lady friend would feel slighted or second to the attention I had to direct to my brother.  It ended up just the opposite.  She was interested, supportive, compassionate and extremely unselfish.  I did what I needed to do to support my brother and then by Saturday night my lady friend and I were out having a great time at a dance party.  I saw that I could balance life and love without feeling out of control or underwater.  This is just so foreign to me!

It is the craziest thing, but my biggest struggle seems to be accepting my new reality.  Living in the present and feeling appreciative definitely helps me, but I still find myself anticipating chaos like I did daily in the previous r/s.  Has anyone felt this way in the final stages of detachment and how have you dealt with it?

[Split black]

@Madison... . thats great. It would seem that you have climbed up from the well of despair and insanity your ex dragged you into.

Im looking forward to that day... because right now I wish she would contact me. Im not going contact her. I know it would be beyond horrible. The things she said to me just days before she split me black for the final time, because I caught her cheating with the same guy she promised never to again... .   were... . I love you but I know you will never believe me again, even IF i tell the truth. Don't ever contact me again. When I broke down several days later... she went off on me like I was evil incarnate. So, its nice to know that I will be able to rid myself of this parasite in my mind.

[myself]

Was talking about this in therapy today, how the old patterns have worn out/are gone, and in changing them it's best to settle in/accept the new. Not getting hung up in anticipating or expecting too much, good or bad. Being realistic. The less we walk on eggshells, the more we'll get used to not walking on them. It's like learning how to really live. Rebuilding yourself the way you are, acknowledging the strengths you already had, working hard to uncover others, goes a very long way. You're already seeing much improvement. Continue to believe in yourself, that you deserve good people in your life, that the path you're on is better now. It's still new. The more you live it, the more you will relax into it. Be proud of your new reality. It's yours!

[toomanyeggshells]

Wow Madison66, I couldn't be happier for you.  Your new r/s sounds like what I dream about - support, love, empathy, compassion and most of all "normalcy".    Your post (as they usually do) gives me hope for my future as well!  Thanks for sharing