So, I'm feeling much better. Thank you all for all your support. I seem to have found some footing again in the real world. Still depressed but am realizing now it doesn't have anything to do with her, really. I knew to not respond to her. I had been doing so well. I thought I was done. I guess I forgot or something.
I'm so glad you're feeling better.
Healing starts when we focus on ourselves. You have been doing well, and you'll continue to do so. Sometimes we do need reminders.
What I don't understand is why I hurt so badly? I don't even really like this person (my ex). I like parts of her. But as a whole, she was terrible. There is no way I would ever want to get married to her, let alone have children.
It hurts when a r/s ends, and it hurts even more when we feel like everything we believed as truth during that r/s is in question. Add to that the realization that this person is toxic for us -- but that we, even as rational adults, are somehow addicted to them -- and we have the added pain of having sacrificed an essential part of ourselves in some way.
You're using your pain as a way to explore yourself, your needs, your concept of r/s's... . so, even though it hurts like Hades, it will serve as a positive turning point in your life.
There are so, so many things I let slide because I thought I really didn't care about her that much and that I wouldn't be with her for the long haul anyways. Could I be hurting still BECAUSE I let them slide? Because I didn't confront them or just run the opposite direction? At the time, I let them slide because I was like 'whatever, I'll be out of here soon enough' and there wasn't any hope of resolving things anyways. I tried that. That failed. Every time.
I'm wondering now if I hurt this badly because I let these things happen to me. Today I started thinking about all the weird things she would do in terms of other men. Constantly flirting with men in front of me. I remember she told me a story about sharing a cab home with some married guy and he was all over her and she told him to stop (apparently). And then i remember she invited us all out for drinks. And then when we left, she was worried that she was acting weird. And he was surprised that she had a boyfriend. It was odd. This guy was nowhere close to me in terms of looks or career. He just seemed like some frumpy government guy. Something seemed very off, but I let it slide because I didn't care enough to ask her anything more about it. But now, I'm furious.
Anyhow, there are millions of times like these that I just ignored because I thought she was crazy and that I didn't care enough about her to let it impact me. Maybe now I'm just starting to realize how much it really hurt me. Makes me want to lash out at her. Maybe my depression now is a result of feeling like I let it happen. And I picked up the phone again. And basically let it happen again a few weeks ago.
I think you've found a big piece of the puzzle here. You say several times that you "let things slide" because you "didn't care enough" about her or the r/s to enforce boundaries. It seems like you're realizing that you
did care a lot about her and the r/s -- enough that it has had a huge impact on you.
Why do you think you wound up caring so much, despite telling yourself you didn't? Why were you so insistent to yourself during the r/s that you "didn't care that much" and "weren't in it for the long haul"? Did that help you maintain a sense of distance? Could it be that a major source of pain now is the knowledge that you weren't as emotionally detached as you thought you were?
I guess the good news is that I'm back to a place where I know for sure she isn't good for me (or probably for anyone for that matter), that she is a really messed up person that in the long run I'm better off for not being contact with ever. That's the good thing. I'm also starting to see that the hurt I feel has nothing to do with her, really. And she is absolutely not the source of curing it. She can only hurt me and, I think, underneath all her sweetness and phony 'I love you's', she really deep down wants to know that she can hurt me. I think she gets a thrill off it. That's how bad a person I think she is. It has taken a while to get here but I unfortunately think that is true. She is such a hurt, wrecked person that she actually feels better about herself by making others feel worse.
Here you go. A lot of your pain is based on the challenge to your own beliefs and perceptions -- about yourself, about this particular r/s, about what you need in a r/s (and life) overall.
Take her out of the equation. I know that's far easier said than done -- I mean it as more of a mental exercise than a command to go forth and live thusly. Say, "This is a damaged/disordered person whose validation and/or input is irrelevant to me." Focus on what this r/s and the end of it has made you confront in yourself. Deal with yourself one-on-one.
Anyhow, I'm just rambling. I guess I'm answering my own question. Taking the abuse, despite always having one foot out the door, took its toll on me. And I'm bummed that I let that happen. And I guess I'm a little worried that I will continue to let it happen either with her or with someone else.
Rambling is one of the best ways to find the answers to our own questions.
You're on the right track to learning how not to let it happen again.
