I get it, AG, the despair is absolutely gut kicking at times but try not to beat yourself over feeling vulnerable. Your natural defenses have been considerably weakened by the r/s and will take time to become fully "operational" again as you emerge out of the FOG and reassemble yourself. Mine, too!
When we're functioning normally -- which we are not now, we are still
traumatized from the r/s -- our natural defense system is able to ward off any number of 'hostile disturbances' that we experience throughout the course of a day. But in this traumatized state a coworker, a conversation in line, a disagreement with a friend, a TV show or just walking outside the house can have us feeling like we just want to curl up and cry. It's a weird, uncomfortable feeling I know because I'm experiencing it, too.
Last weekend a friend I've known for over 20 years (and who knows the parties involved in my BPD r/s) came to town and we talked about my coming out of this torrential relationship and the circumstances in my life that lead up to it. In essence we talked about
trauma -- I had been dealing with personal, career and family trauma for several years leading up to the r/s -- and he remarked that just before I got involved in the BPD r/s (and now nearly one month out of it) I was like someone who had been hit with a stun gun. And guess what -- he was right!
These r/s's upset our psychic equilibrium and basically threaten to reroute all of our internal wiring. In my r/s with my uBPDexgf I allowed my already compromised boundaries to be whittled down to nearly dust. This is not an accident, it is an
assault. To test this notion think back to a point in your life pre-BPD enmeshment when you were in a reasonably healthy, balanced state and imagine how you would have reacted to such an assault. Chances are your defense system would have warded it off and AG would have kept on steppin', had lunch and lived to fight another day.
Give yourself some real-world time for the "downward spiral" to peter out and the rest of the FOG to clear. Amid the one-month-out wreckage of my own r/s I'm catching glimpses of my "old healthy self" and if you actively start processing your detachment -- it's gonna be painful, AG, but it's part of the crucible -- I guarantee your system will reboot, future 'hostile disturbances' will be deflected, your newer, better self will reemerge and you'll start to get your life back, too. I can already hear it in you.
