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Author Topic: Looking for BPD specialist in the Twin Cities [Minneapolis/St.Paul]  (Read 773 times)
seriousmac

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 6



« on: April 25, 2014, 08:48:35 AM »

I'm brand new here but don't want to waste time so here's the deal: I've started learning about BPD and the whole PD world in the last two weeks but it has been a dramatic game-changer for me! For the first time in 22 years of marriage I have an explanation of why my wife is the way she is, hence our marriage. She would always try to spin this on "marriage issues" but going to marriage counseling has never produced results because every counselor we have gone to, hasn't had a clue about the whole PDs factor and how this plays into a relationship. For years and years I kept "working on me" and will continue. But no longer from the place of guilt and imposed shame she has been putting on me. She's an expert on projecting her emotional turmoil, low-self esteem, chaos and inadequacies onto me and making me out to be responsible for her outbursts of profanities, rage, name calling, even getting physical at times. Her emotional instability has hurt not only me but our three awesome girls. They're still great girls but I can see the effects on them and how they lack confidence because their mom is so insecure and it transfers onto the kids so easily.  

I thought my wife was bi-polar. I read a lot about that but it didn't describe her patterns. When I began to read about Borderline PD, it was like someone was describing her and our lives in the last 22 years.

With the exception of self-harm, drug abuse and out of control spending, she fits all the other syndromes: wildly swinging emotions, fits of rage from 0 to 100 in seconds (over ridiculous things most people would simply work out), all of which goes back to her childhood and the way she was treated by her dad. She she was 16, she accused her dad of sexually molesting at the age of 5 and caused a lot of trauma to her family. Her dad was an angry man but it's not clear at all whether he did molest her or not. When he was dying, she told one of her sisters that it wasn't true! (?) What? But then again, this was never processed in her life and she married me, bringing all this baggage into the marriage, blaming her emotional disorder on "bad marriage" issues for 22 years!  

What might be helping (but also making things harder in a way) is the fact we're both Christians and our faith takes central place in our lives. this helps process problems and I think it helps her not to fall over the edge but it also makes things complicated because she tends to swing between guilt and arrogance along spiritual lines very easy. Her black-and-white way of reading things becomes immensely reinforced by her pursuit of spirituality.

She hasn't been diagnosed. I don't even know how this can happen. She becomes very mad at the idea of talking to someone even about depression. That's a slam to her. Again, she tries to be a strong believer so she can't possibly be depressed. She can't handle the thought of being made to be the sole responsible person for the way the marriage hasn't worked well. It doesn't register with her all the times I've said sorry, all the changes I've made in the way I am and how much time I give into the family. It's never enough. And she will forever hold it over my head. But no word on what she has done to make things bad - to her it's no big deal. "Oh, I just went into a rage and screamed at you and poured a ton of profanities and tried to punch you in the face?" - "Not a problem, I said I'm sorry, what more do you want?". "Oh, I do this every month, or every three months? The exact same things over and over again? Well I say I'm sorry each time, don't I? But hey if you were a better (think IDEAL) husband and father, I wouldn't be reacting this way, would I?"

She just CAN'T handle someone being less than what she thinks the ideal husband or dad would do. She is not really suitable to be married to a real person, because she interprets my imperfections as an assault on her ?

That's her in a nutshell.  

I think the first thing is for me to start talking to someone locally here who understands BPDs and figure out how create the circumstances for her to talk to someone who gets this so she can be diagnosed and get some help.

My other two choices are to just go on suffer silently and keep taking it on for the rest of my life or leave her which I can't even imagine doing.

Anyone?  

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scallops
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« Reply #1 on: April 25, 2014, 12:50:46 PM »

dear seriousmac

I want to welcome you here and tell you how sorry I am you are struggling with your W. Is your W getting any therapy? I am glad you ae seeking some for yourself. You have been through a lot and you need time to heal. There are specific tools (communication, validation, boundaries, timeout) that everyone in a relationship with a person suffering from borderline personality disorder needs to master. People with this disorder tend to perceive the world differently than you and I, but there is an order and the rationale within that perception - it's not just random craziness as we might sometimes think. Our senior members on [L5] Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner are very good at helping apply these principles to everyday life problems. The educational material associated with that group is based on the work from leading experts in the disorder.

Now that you know what you are dealing with I think it will be easier going forward. I would like to encourage you to read the articles here and really educate yourself on this disorder. Your W is ill and the more you understand about this illness the better you will be able to cope and interact with her. Reducing the conflict is key... . I think a good way to get help for your W is for you to find a T and then invite her to come along... . that might be a way for her to get some help kind of the back door way. People with BPD often blame those around them for everything. They are prefectionist at times and no one can meet their expectations... . here are a few articles to start you off... .


Article 13: Codependency: When Our Emotional Issues Affect Our True Availability

Article 15: The Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

I am glad you found us here... . we understand and are here to support you... . keep posting
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Rapt Reader
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« Reply #2 on: April 25, 2014, 02:54:15 PM »

Hello, seriousmac, and I'd like to join scallops in welcoming you to this site. She has provided you with some wonderful information, and I encourage you to check out those links. I want to assure you that there really is light at the end of the tunnel!

There are many people here who are in the same situation you have found yourself in, who can support you and give you good insights and advice.

Please keep posting, and asking your questions, and read, read, read all you can on this site... . It really will help, seriousmac 
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Stella1425

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« Reply #3 on: April 25, 2014, 04:23:17 PM »

Welcome seriousmac. My D is in your same area of the country and if she does get counseling eventually, it would need to be DBT or someone with experience in BPD as you said. I haven't looked, as my D is 30, divorced and has my 6 year old GS. The last time I had her in therapy she was 18. It did NOT go well. In fact between 16-18 we saw many different counselors. The one before a drug counselor was a nice guy but so lacked in knowing how to handle her. The last appointment we had with him I got up and left calmly saying "I can't believe I'm paying for this." He didn't charge me for most of the appointments! Nice guy, but did us no good. So I strongly suggest BPD specialist. If you find a good one over there I'd be curious although I'm not sure my D would  ever go. She had said she thinks she needs to see someone but hadn't been told by me or anyone that we think she has BPD. My son has seen a psychoanalyst for many years and talked about his sister. She told him about BPD. I figured it out years ago on my own. For her and us, it sometimes is better. I do not live with her however as you do your wife. I hope you get the help you need. Keep up the faith!
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seriousmac

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Relationship status: Married
Posts: 6



« Reply #4 on: April 27, 2014, 12:00:31 AM »

Hi everyone and THANK YOU so much for the warm welcome! This means A LOT to me! I'll definitely read through all the resources. The most immediate problem I'm dealing with is the fact that my wife and I have been relating to a certain pastor for the last several years. He and his wife are great people and I tried to engage them to help with the recurring patterns in our marriage. They referred us to a professional counselor.

When I shared with this counselor about my wife's past (possibly having been abused by her dad when she was 5) and about her recurring patterns of extreme sensitivity, the hysteria, lack of self-control, the volcanic rage, he didn't think this was even worth looking into. He went into the "marriage counseling" direction. Which is what my wife has always wanted. She wants me to be put in my place because to her I'm inconsiderate, unsupportive husband and a bad dad (never mind that my kids adore me, we have great relationship and reality doesn't support her accusations).

I don't know if this counselor, who has a Ph.D. and is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, actually understands BPD. May be he does, I don't know. But when I shared this with the pastor who recommended him, he reacted and told me I'm very arrogant to think I know better than someone who has a Ph.D. This minister also started getting on my case about why I was trying to diagnose my wife and that I can't do that.

I told him that A) I don't think I'm smarter than a Ph.D. but I do know that from what I'm finding out online, not all Licensed Clinical Psychologists just because they are such, understand Personality Disorders, be they Borderline or some variant.

I also told him that I only SUSPECT my wife suffers from BPD and never "diagnosed" her. I also told him that I find it perplexing that this Licensed Clinical Psychologist would hear from me something so troubling (my wife claiming she was sexually molested by her dad when she was 5, accusing him in front of the whole family and then told her sister 30 years later it wasn't true ?) and ignore it!

I feel like this minister who has a lot of influence in my wife's life, is judging me, he doesn't get PDs at all and is taking my wife's side.

Also, I found out my wife has been emailing three other ladies basically telling them how hard it is to live with me, how she feels so tormented, she's thinking of leaving the house with our youngest daughter and non-sense like that. She is playing them all, presenting herself to be the victim and I think these people are falling for it.

The fact is I have tons of healthy friendships, while she has hardly any at all; my kids love me and I love them and they love to hang out with me; if you listen to my wife, you would think I'm the worst father in the world.

How do I find a specialist who I know understands BPD and PDs in general without coming across as some arrogant guy who a) has diagnosed his wife and b) thinks they know better than a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with a Ph.D.?

Forever grateful for your support!



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seriousmac

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 6



« Reply #5 on: April 27, 2014, 12:05:20 AM »

I'm a newbie here and was stoked that someone would actually reply to my post and this place actually has a community of people who talk to each other and understand the issue at hand. This is big! It's helping me a lot, to know there's a place where I won't be judged, but instead will be helped.

Thank you!
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an0ught
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« Reply #6 on: April 27, 2014, 06:37:44 AM »

Welcome seriousmac,

Excerpt
She just CAN'T handle someone being less than what she thinks the ideal husband or dad would do. She is not really suitable to be married to a real person, because she interprets my imperfections as an assault on her ?

Don't take it personally. Validation can help here a lot:

  "You have high standards"

  "You value the best"

  "You are deeply disappointed at the limitations you face"

  "Your husbands is certainly not perfect"

  "It is so hard to deal with these imperfections"

Even more important is not to JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain - just feeds the problem.

I'm a newbie here and was stoked that someone would actually reply to my post and this place actually has a community of people who talk to each other and understand the issue at hand. This is big! It's helping me a lot, to know there's a place where I won't be judged, but instead will be helped.

Thank you!

You will find even more of those folks on the Staying board.

Again  Welcome,

a0
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  Writing is self validation. Writing on bpdfamily is self validation squared!
foiles
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« Reply #7 on: April 28, 2014, 10:40:50 AM »

I had to chuckle, seriousmac, when I read the comment about PhDs. I am in academia and know first hand how little it can mean from a practical perspective. You are not arrogant to question the knowledge of those that have never actually had to deal with this experience in their daily lives. People who have 'lived it' are truly the experts.

My exBPDbf was a devout Christian and used every passage he could to justify his controlling behavior and rage. Until someone becomes self-aware it's impossible to change. In a marriage counseling situation it's all to easy to focus on the other person and blame, blame, blame. Since BPDs are are experts at triangulation and manipulation, counselors are often blinded to the true extent of the problem. And some tend to focus on the 'relationship' rather than the individuals. A relationship is only as good as the individuals in it.  Am so glad you found us!
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seriousmac

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 6



« Reply #8 on: April 28, 2014, 11:23:19 AM »

Dear folles, thanks for the comment, this ACTUALLY helps not to give up to hear from someone (albeit a complete stranger in essence), who I feel understands better where I'm coming from, than people I thought were there to support me.

Thank you also for mentioning the Christian part of the equation. My wife shows signs of fanaticism. I don't understand - I'm an ordained minister (however the last 5 years started a small business), I have strong Christian beliefs, but it's as if my wife has become a Bible-verses rattling machine and I feel she inoculates herself with this stuff and it feeds her ego and arrogance, instead of helping her in her soul-searching (if she's even capable of such).

My bleak view of our situation becomes even more bleak because so much of the pressure is on me to endure all the abuse only so I can do well as a Christian.

In reality, I'm convinced God is not into me being abused emotionally and verbally with no prospects of this ever changing.

I only care for our kids who are so sweet and whose worlds and souls will be devastated if I walked away on my wife. They are aware this is not a happy marriage, but have no clue to what degree I'm locked into enduring all this only because of my commitment to marriage and to them. 

I'm glad I found YOU dear people!

People who have 'lived it' are truly the experts.

My exBPDbf was a devout Christian and used every passage he could to justify his controlling behavior and rage.

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an0ught
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« Reply #9 on: April 28, 2014, 11:52:37 AM »

Hi seriousmac,

Thank you also for mentioning the Christian part of the equation. My wife shows signs of fanaticism. I don't understand - I'm an ordained minister (however the last 5 years started a small business), I have strong Christian beliefs, but it's as if my wife has become a Bible-verses rattling machine and I feel she inoculates herself with this stuff and it feeds her ego and arrogance, instead of helping her in her soul-searching (if she's even capable of such).

Black and white thinking tendency finds a validating home in extremism.

My bleak view of our situation becomes even more bleak because so much of the pressure is on me to endure all the abuse only so I can do well as a Christian.

In reality, I'm convinced God is not into me being abused emotionally and verbally with no prospects of this ever changing.

Abuse is not ok. It is not trivial to stop but generally once someone got the first few boundaries in place (which can be a struggle) it does get easier. Usually with good boundaries abuse gets less and anger becomes more contained. Boundaries the way we use the term on the board are defensive, intended to protect ourselves and aim at reestablishing a minimum of respect. Respect is needed to rebuild a more loving relationship. Having good boundaries in that sense are in my eyes quite compatible with being a Christian.

I only care for our kids who are so sweet and whose worlds and souls will be devastated if I walked away on my wife. They are aware this is not a happy marriage, but have no clue to what degree I'm locked into enduring all this only because of my commitment to marriage and to them.  

The children will suffer in one way or another if one parent is not behaving well and it is difficult to protect them fully even if you separate. In any case what can help a lot is having one healthy and balanced role model which is no simple feat in these difficult circumstances.
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  Writing is self validation. Writing on bpdfamily is self validation squared!
seriousmac

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Relationship status: Married
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« Reply #10 on: April 28, 2014, 11:31:24 PM »

thanks! I believe I'm the role model for balanced behaviour and emotional stability - at least for our two older daughters. The third one bonded with her mother more and it seems my wife has managed to sow into her subtle mistrust toward me. I need to fight for this relationship and spend more effort into pouring into it.

Thank you for your input!

I only care for our kids who are so sweet and whose worlds and souls will be devastated if I walked away on my wife. They are aware this is not a happy marriage, but have no clue to what degree I'm locked into enduring all this only because of my commitment to marriage and to them.  

The children will suffer in one way or another if one parent is not behaving well and it is difficult to protect them fully even if you separate. In any case what can help a lot is having one healthy and balanced role model which is no simple feat in these difficult circumstances.[/quote]
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