I will not go back.

[WhoMe51]

For the longest time I have been on the undecided board.  Today I moved to the Leaving board.  I will not go back this time.  I have done everything I know to do to make this relationship work.  I have validated her feelings.  I have listened to her.  I have set boundaries with consequences.  I have done it all.  I have loved her but it doesn't matter.  I know it's not me.  Last night she split me black.  And today she followed her onslaught of insults and personal jabs.  I can't do this anymore.  I can't love her enough.  This time I will love myself and leave my dBPDgf.  The last time she ended it, I went through all these withdrawals.  I had to see her or I thought I was going to die.  I went back and here I am again.  I will hold onto the things that she said to me to push me out of the withdrawals.  Her behavior today, pushed me over the edge.  Her words of hate and projection left me speechless.  This time I will do whatever it takes to stay away.  I will not go back.  I have a support system in place.  I have family and a therapist.  I am better than this.

[Want2know]

This time I will do whatever it takes to stay away.  I will not go back.  I have a support system in place.  I have family and a therapist.  I am better than this.

Having a support system in place is huge!  Glad to hear it. 

4 years is a long time.  I was with my ex-bf for 4 years, too, so I know the bonds that are created and how hard it can be to break them.

What is different this time, and what will you do differently than before?  I'm assuming you do not live together or have children. 

If you are ready to end it, we are ready to help.   

[WhoMe51]

Want2know,

What is different this time is I saw the lack of empathy that she had for me.  I was sick last night and she came to "check on me".  But when she came to my house, she started yelling at me and calling me names.  I told her that I had a 101 fever and didn't feel like arguing.  I told her that I understood her frustrations because it was the weekend and I was sick.  We had plans to spend it together.    She said she was just discussing how she felt.  I asked her to leave and we could talk about it later when I felt good.  She refused.  But then after a few failed attempts to get me to engage with her she left.  Then the texting started.  Then the phone calls, one right after another.  I didn't answer any of them.  She left horrible voice mails.  She called me every name in the book that had the F word attached to it.  She came to my job today and tried to start it there. I told her that I still didn't feel good and my personal life and job are separate. 

What am I doing differently this time?   I have gone no contact.  I have blocked her phone, texting, and email.  I am sticking to my guns on this one.  I will talk to my brother when I feel weak. Or I will listen to her last voice mail and remind myself that this isn't love.  It was just a fantasy that I had.  I am going to start working out again and riding my Harley since the weather is warming up here.  I am going to do things for myself.  The time I used to spend working on our relationship is going to be spent doing things I enjoy and things that I put aside. 

We do not live together nor do we have kids together.    I realized last night that I am not strong enough to stay in this relationship.  And this one time I have to think about me.  And get out. 

[coolioqq]

We do not live together nor do we have kids together.    I realized last night that I am not strong enough to stay in this relationship.  And this one time I have to think about me.  And get out. 

No one needs to be "strong enough" to stay in an abusive relationship. Being "strong enough" means staying out of that. Great decision! Keep it up!

[willy45]

Good for you. We are certainly here for you!

No contact will help. Stick with that. And working out is also great.

And I agree... . being 'strong enough' to stay in an abusive situation means 'willing to take more abuse'. It takes much more strength the leave, which you have done. So, good for being strong enough!

[Boisnix79]

Great to hear Willy. I'm happy to hear you've realized your worth. Having a family member to rely on and a therapist is key to your success. It's funny how one day it's just enough, and you arent willing to do it anymore... . The same happened here, like my soul just gave up. I can hear in your messages that you're at this point. Keep posting and sharing your struggle. We're here for you

[rollercoaster24]

Hi WhoMe51

Sorry to hear your ex came to see you and wasn't kind or able to experience empathy.

This used to really upset me too, their utter lack of the ability to experience consistent empathy, like the rest of us can.

I know we shouldn't expect them to be able to, because of their illness but their utter selfishness really enrages me.

Especially when I hear that you were sick and asked her to leave and talk later when you felt better, but no, as is typical, she had no consideration or empathy for you, and you are forced to be cruel to be kind. Then she would turn around and call you the cruel one, there's the absolute irony that sucks about BP's.

I experienced so much in the way of zero empathy that I was in fear of losing my soul at some points.

But I do know this, the experience has changed me for ever, maybe it will take a while to get over the really negative effects of it, but I really hope to be able to use this experience to help others one day that are/were in the same boat.

My intention is to finish writing a book I wrote ages ago, and also to write a 2nd and devote it to my experience with a Borderline male.

Recently I read a short paperback, (which was the inspiration) written by a guy who used to post here, who had come through a relationship with a female borderline. He had feared losing his soul as well, and he was only with her for a short period, sounds like she was a high functioning Borderline, but still, it helps me to realise that even if my partner had a job when I met him, and wasn't homeless and broke, I really don't think him having different circumstances would have made any difference to his behaviour.

Besides, if he had really wanted his life to be different with me, he could have made a lot more effort himself, instead of complaining how tough everything was every day, yet doing virtually nothing about the things that bothered him (I hear violins playing).

Waaaaaaaa Waaaaaaa

Sorry, I'm such a cynic these days

[heartandwhole]

Hi WhoMe51,

I'm sorry it has come to this, and I really understand your decision to  let go.  Having family support and a therapist is SO important, you are already ahead of the game with that, so good for you.

I hope in the next weeks you'll be gentle with yourself.  Your intention of taking time to do what you love is great.  This is your time.  The grieving process can be difficult and "up and down," so please keep reaching out here, too.  We're here for you.  

What feelings are coming up for you now?

[bpdspell]

What is different this time is I saw the lack of empathy that she had for me.  I was sick last night and she came to "check on me".  But when she came to my house, she started yelling at me and calling me names.  I told her that I had a 101 fever and didn't feel like arguing.  I told her that I understood her frustrations because it was the weekend and I was sick.  We had plans to spend it together.    She said she was just discussing how she felt.  I asked her to leave and we could talk about it later when I felt good.  She refused.  But then after a few failed attempts to get me to engage with her she left.  Then the texting started.  Then the phone calls, one right after another.  I didn't answer any of them.  She left horrible voice mails.  She called me every name in the book that had the F word attached to it.  She came to my job today and tried to start it there. I told her that I still didn't feel good and my personal life and job are separate. 

What am I doing differently this time?   I have gone no contact.  I have blocked her phone, texting, and email.  I am sticking to my guns on this one.  I will talk to my brother when I feel weak.

We do not live together nor do we have kids together.    I realized last night that I am not strong enough to stay in this relationship. 

Wow.

I've been in your over compromising shoes and it isn't fun. It hurts to pour into someone who lacks the capacity to be reciprocal. I once had a flaming migraine and the ex didn't care. He still wanted a blow job and threw the worst tantrum because I refused. I left his apt which began a disrespectful barrage of overnight nasty texts, voicemails, and harassment. Once they paint you black it's as if you've never done anything for them and for me that lack of empathy was the straw that broke the Camel's back. I was done and soo pissed to actualize that this person could really shive a git about me. That night the light turned on for me.

They are entitled on a neurotic level and they need you to be their clown patsy parent replacement so that they're controlling the reigns of the relationship with their disordered thoughts. It's s disorder and this is why they cannot help themselves.

You will go through withdrawal and you will be sad but having a support system in place is vital for recovery from this toxic dance. Love yourself enough to know that you weren't born to be someone's whipping boy.

Spell

[diega]

For the longest time I have been on the undecided board.  Today I moved to the Leaving board.  I will not go back this time.  I have done everything I know to do to make this relationship work.  I have validated her feelings.  I have listened to her.  I have set boundaries with consequences.  I have done it all.  I have loved her but it doesn't matter.  I know it's not me.  Last night she split me black.  And today she followed her onslaught of insults and personal jabs.  I can't do this anymore.  I can't love her enough.  This time I will love myself and leave my dBPDgf.  The last time she ended it, I went through all these withdrawals.  I had to see her or I thought I was going to die.  I went back and here I am again.  I will hold onto the things that she said to me to push me out of the withdrawals.  Her behavior today, pushed me over the edge.  Her words of hate and projection left me speechless.  This time I will do whatever it takes to stay away.  I will not go back.  I have a support system in place.  I have family and a therapist.  I am better than this.

good for you and congratualtions for deciding this.

[brokenbutalive]

  I am better than this.

Five little words that many of us could have done with saying more often. 50 times a day if necessary. Well done you, and good luck

[WhoMe51]

I would like to say thanks to all of the encouragement that was given. In the past, when we broke up due to being split black, we would get back together within the week. I keep telling myself that I deserve better than this over and over and over. My therapist said to take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, or even breath by breath. Withdrawal is a b___!

[KJB1956]

I think it takes more strength and courage to leave ... .  

Want2know,

What is different this time is I saw the lack of empathy that she had for me.

We do not live together nor do we have kids together.    I realized last night that I am not strong enough to stay in this relationship.  And this one time I have to think about me.  And get out. 

[Split black]

Good job... . I dont want to tell you what to do... . BUT... . for me... . after being split black 4 no 5 times... . and after a recent local smear campaign in the city I live in... . where I know know a lot of people... .   was enough to end it in my head forever. I mean the switch is off. 

If there is a template for BPD abusive behavior and there certainly appears that there is based on the evidence of this board and several other boards... . then it only gets WORSE. You cant fix, change, or hope them into just being ___ing normal.

[Emelie Emelie]

Good for you.  You are better than this.  When I "went back" a friend of mine was incredulous.  I said "I love him".  She said "I know you do.  I just wish you loved yourself more."

[191919179384613]

thanks for your posts everyone. everything you guys are saying is really inspiring and helpful, especially about the importance of self-love. my exBPDbf's empathy issues are really something else. he got drunk and got physically abusive with me, then got butthurt at me for telling my closest friends and called my reaction 'weak'. he said he wanted a partner who would love him no matter what he did, and told me there is a life lesson to be learnt if i look hard enough.   red flags i know! and yet, leaving and distancing myself has proved harder than anyone would think. it's nice to know you guys understand.