How to express that I need alone time

[shatra]

Hi

I find that I need some "alone time" on a daily basis. Sometimes just 10 minutes to clear my head or meditate. It is not a reflection on my BPD partner---no matter who he is, I would need this.

  I find it relaxing to do some things alone. I also find that a couple of my hobbies (painting) don't interest him.

  I would like feedback on how to present this to him. I think it is healthy for people to have individual hobbies if they choose... . but with his BPD I feel anxious that he will feel temporarily "abandoned" if I need to meditate, or go out to a paiinting class once a week.

Thank you

Shatra

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[Blue Tide]

Shatra, I can really relate to this. I too find it essential to get some alone time, my husband is wonderful but very intense and what with coping with work, kids and him I often just don't have the energy to interact at the end of a long day. It makes achieving the behaviour necessary to keep a calm house hold (validation etc.) much more difficult so I think it's probably an essential part of being in a relationship with someone with BPD.

There was a point in our relationship where I was not getting any time alone and he seemed to be getting cut off from his life outside the relationship - ie. just relying on me for all his emotional support. I tried to explain to him what I needed - that I tend to recharge my batteries by being alone whereas he seems to get energy from being around people, and that if I had the opportunity to do that I would be more able to be the interested, willing, participant he needs me to be. I also suggested that it was a good opportunity for him to maybe go and do some things that he is interested in and see some of the old friends he hadn't seen for a while.

It didn't take long and he now quite happily goes out several times a week and is happy for me to do the same - to do whatever it is I need to do.

I think if you start small and gain his trust then he will see that actually it will be beneficial for you both. Sometimes I just say that I need to be somewhere else in the house for a bit and do a bit of yoga or reading, this may be easier for him to cope with than you going out at first?

My only other suggestion is to get a dog - one that needs at least an hour a day walk - perfect excuse for some alone time!

[ziniztar]

Hi Shatra,

but with his BPD I feel anxious that he will feel temporarily "abandoned" if I need to meditate, or go out to a paiinting class once a week

To me this looks like FOG: you're not doing something you know is healthy for you, out of fear, guilt and obligation towards him. Does that look like healthy priority setting? 

Blue Tide is right that he probably will need some 1 or 2 experiences to find out everything will be fine when you go about yourself. It helps to say what you're doing, for how long, and when you'll be back. Be back when you stay you will. Being transparent, honest and clear about these things is half the struggle. And it will set an example for him!   

[shatra]

Hi

Thanks for the advice and insight. It might be helpful to start in small steps, and hopefully he will tolerate the alone time

Shatra

[tired-of-it-all]

Say what you mean and mean what you say but don't say it mean.  :)o not let fear of your partner's reaction stop you from doing what is good for you.  Your partner may get mad but if you don't care, the BPD will stop trying to use anger to manipulate you.

I wanted to travel but my wife did not.  I wasted decades because of my fear of her.  Three years ago I sat down with her and said, "I am going to start doing some things for me.  I want to travel and I am going to start doing some of that and I am not taking you."  It made her angry and sad and she felt rejected, nevertheless, I did it.  I have taken a big trip each year since then.  Last year I went to Ireland with a buddy of mine.  It is a lot cheaper to travel with a friend because they pay their own way.  I did not want to risk her having a fit in a foreign country.  It is not my fault that she has behaved badly for years and years.  It is her fault that I cannot trust her to behave.

Be prepared that the games will continue.  Once on a road trip my wife disappeared one evening late.  My older teenage kids freaked out.  My daughter wanted to send my grown son to look for her.  I told her no.  :)on't let this affect us.  I would be home the next day.  My wife showed back up by about 10pm.  It was all a mind game.

I hope this epistle makes some sense and is a little help.

[Chosen]

Hi shatra,

I can relate to your experience.  I think pwBPDs find it difficult when other people are standing up and helping themselves, because they don't know how to do that.  And many of them will do whatever they can to sabotage this for the non-BP, including making you feel guilty about abandoning/ not involving them, calling you names (if I get a dollar every time I'm called "selfish" because I'm doing something for myself... . )... .

It is worth thinking whether you'd sacrifice doing things for yourself (even though it's only 10 minutes a day!) to keep him happy (but not guaranteed), or assert your need/ want to do it, and have a healthier relationship in the long run.  Trust me, if you give up the 10 minutes this time, he'll expect something else in future... .

But I wouldn't work on getting him to understand your needs.  He probably does, but doesn't care; or he may never understand why you have needs.  Just let him know, and start small, e.g. a 10-minute meditation session.  And let him know the time frame.  Let him know you will be back in 10 minutes, and stick to it.  He will not like it, but he will slowly learn to accept it.  Good luck!

[an0ught]

Hi shatra,

I find it hard and painful to accept that you need alone time, leaving me here on the board alone  :'( ... .

... . I would find it easier to accept that you want to paint, that you want to meditate etc.

1) Don't get defensive. Yes you may get some resistance and have to deal with abandonment fear but if you put on your mail, belt your sword and come to ask to paint nobody is going to believe that story.

2) You are afraid to ask. You have fear. Get a grip on that first otherwise you evoke similar emotions on his side. You are simply wanting to do some stuff (which happens to involve alone time). Maybe alone time is a big factor for you in it but it is as true that it is meditation and painting. You think it is fun and de-stressing - where is the problem? (I perfectly get that it ain't easy   )

3) Be concrete. Know exactly what you want from him.

4) Be clear what you need from him. Do you need his permission (don't think so), do you need coordination of schedule (may be), do you need a time and a room blocked from disturbance (may be - is he able to realistically pledge that?) or do you simply need awareness.

5) Are you aware of any conflicting demands (schedule, work pressure) that may be on the top of in his mind? If they are real you may have to negotiate. If they are perceived then validate and keep your course.

6) When would he need to know to not feel surprised? Not too early and not too late either.

7) Do you have to do all of this in one go? It may be better to state your change and then implement it. Then move on to the next one.

You wanting to do something for yourself is a good thing It does not have to become a struggle at all. Tell and act.

8) Be prepared for having to validate change, unfairness, surprise, irritation etc. when you tell and when you start acting.

9) Be also prepared to not be surprised when he starts telling you this was the best idea since sliced bread half a year later.

[Stalwart]

Hey Shatra

I can so understand your dilemna. In my prior relationship of 30 years we both had a lot of alone time. It was understood that it was good and healthy. She had family she wanted to visit on her own and went on vacations with her Mom and I promoted every minute that she took. I'd spend four days off with a canoe and dog in the bush with some tea and rice and just live it. It was all good and who doesn't need 'sanity' time. It's the best way to recharge the batteries.

There is just so, nothing wrong with the way you feel and it doesn't relate at all specifically to a relationship with a BPD. My past relationship wasn't with a BPD person.

I also feel like I could so use more alone time. This illness tends to have them cling so close that sometimes you feel entirely smothered and sometimes I can feel a bit of annoyance and resentlment myself. I don't know how it happens, slowly over time that we lose so many of the things we used to do, so many people we used to know and associate with but isolationism is common issue.

The real problem for me (and I know this isn't about me but patience) is that right now she is going down South taking a dog to a rescue and going to spend three days with family etc... I'm dying to just get away for three days myself. Just peace and quiet time, no one and nothing... . Just time on my own and it's difficult to even approach because of course she wants to go with me if I do.

The advice you've gotten here is wonderful and in the long run you just have to make it happen and probably he'll accept it, especially the alone time at home. I don't know if he worries a lot if you're away out of the home or not.

I'm hoping you find that way and it works out well for you and it would really be nice, given time to hear how you made out with this. It's a problem for a lot of us so a lot of us are there with you and would really be interested in hearing.

Best of luck but yup, one way or another you really need and so deserve this small bit of lone time. We all do. Maybe when he gets the remote in his hand and figures out he can watch those crappy shows he likes (that are so stupid you won't watch them, like all guys like) without you beside him he'll get to like it too.

[Foreverhopefull]

I started taking walks, joining a aquafitness class, anything really.

I don't state it's for alone time, I blame health reasons (needing to lose weight, etc.).

That way I get that needed time, my health gets better and he is not feeling abandoned or a pain in my side. He's no idiot, he knows I need that time to feel alive and "normal" (I hate that word), that I need the time away from him to be better for him when he needs me.

We are both happy about it. While I do take that time, I don't leave everyday and I make sure that I spend some time with him (watch a movie with him, etc).

From experience, try taking that time alone before going home (I feel once I'm there he can trick me into staying home), don't give him/her a chance to make you change your mind (my husband starts claiming I'm always running away from him, that I don't love him anymore, that he's a burden. etc).