Depersonalizing BPD

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

  I think I'll put my *___ list* on my phone to whip it out when I need it!  Can't carry my journal around, you'd have to kill me if I dropped it somewhere 

CiF

[Cardinals in Flight]

  I think I'll put my *___ list* on my phone to whip it out when I need it!  Can't carry my journal around, you'd have to kill me if I dropped it somewhere 

CiF

[HappyNihilist]

Great topic and very interesting discussion! 

Part of what got me to finally detach was actually starting to take it more personally. This is even after she'd repeatedly told me she did things intentionally to hurt me.

Great contribution myself - depersonalizing to the point of numbing and devaluing our own emotions.

So... . acknowledging our REAL emotions takes some time perhaps?

My experience was the same, myself. I could understand why the r/s happened the way it did, and I could see that I could never win a fight with BPD, and I knew that the best thing for both of us was to detach completely. However, it wasn't until I started taking things more personally (not just "oh, it was the BPD talking" all the time) that I was able to see how truly toxic he and the r/s were for me. So now, I still love him and have empathy for him, but I am so over him that I can't even believe I was ever under him. 

[Conundrum]

So now, I still love him and have empathy for him, but I am so over him that I can't even believe I was ever under him.  

Ha, funny! Detaching/depersonalizing for me was hardest when I still believed that she was the key to my happiness--because I was happy with her for a long time. Until, I wasn't.

So I thought about it--was having unfettered dark goth sex w a young woman, the key? Were endearing moments and domestic comfort the key? Were general companionship and having a fine girl/woman around all the time the key? Was having her help w my kid's the key?

And I determined that surely those were the keys... . and w/out her I'm going to be miserable for the rest of my life... .

But that's addiction speaking. Then there's withdrawal. Which is painful. And renewal, where you start to get in touch with yourself, again. And hey, slowly, this being by myself after 25 years of relationships isn't so bad. I kinda like aspects of it--it's growing on me. Hey, you mean I can actively choose who I want to date--instead of being a lemming and running over the cliff. Wow, who woulda thunk?

So it's an unwinding process... . from inclinations that haven't always provided prototypical happy endings. There are no guarantees--but the one constant is me, myself and I. That's ok too, because there's a lot to be said for gaining clarity w/out distractions. That little recalcitrant, rebellious, stubbornly immature part of myself that is being challenged.    

[Emelie Emelie]

SB:  Unable to see T now so I need to figure this out on my own.

I wish all I've learned about BPD helped me depersonalize this more.  It has helped me to understand his behaviors but I still struggle with his decision to end this rs.  For the second time.  He can look at himself and admit that he has issues but that doesn't change the fact that he has decided he'll be happier with someone else.  He was looking for someone to understand him, accept and work with his disorder.  Love him in spite of it.  I did that.  He still dumped me.  In his fashion... . which is creating a scenario in which I walk away and then blaming the break up on me. Tough not to personalize that.  It's a little easier the second time around.  Because I watched him go from no longer wanting anything to do with me to desperately wanting me back.  So I understand how changeable his feelings are.  But it still hurts like hell.  And doesn't change the fact that I still love, miss and yearn for him.

[wanttobelieve]

I am finding myself absolutely caught in this phase obsessing over BPD and learning everything I can about the disorder and any related disorders. I too, like many Non's feel like I am becoming an expert in the world of BPD and PD. I find myself this time (4th break up), 6 weeks NC with my ex-uBPDgf looking for everything I can to substantiate my decision that I must leave her. Even though my T tells me it doesn't really matter what the label is. Its the actions that speak lauder than her words. I still feel that I am letting her down by not sticking with her and by leaving. It is hard and you are filled with so much guilt to let someone that you love so much go because they suffer from an illness. I think this is the hardest part for me. So, it does help to be able to have that BPD label because it helps me dig up the inner strength that I need to walk away knowing that I can't save her and that things will not change unless of course she is willing to seek out a great T and jump hard into DBT, which she isn't even at the acceptance stage yet.

I do think it has helped me get through some very difficult days and it certainly helps to hear other similar stories and get well needed support from the BPD Family. I can see how one can get so obsessed over it that you can stay stuck which is an interesting thought. I wonder if I am doing this so much to help me get over her OR am I trying to find anything that I can use to tell me to keep hanging on. That's pretty amazing and scary.  It is an interesting thought though and one that I have to admit has made me re-consider where I am at with my healing process.

I am going to continue to stay on the boards because I believe it is helping me with my journey but I am going to be careful to make sure that I am moving forward and not backwards.

Thank you so much for bringing this up for discussion.

Cheers... .



Thank you for bringing this thought to our attention.

[wanttobelieve]

Sorry, I accidentally posted this to the wrong thread... .

[seeking balance]

However, it wasn't until I started taking things more personally (not just "oh, it was the BPD talking" all the time) that I was able to see how truly toxic he and the r/s were for me.

Thanks for jumping in HappyNihilist - and congrats on Ambie!

So, when you acknowledged you needed to take it more personally - what EMOTION came up for you (you get the hard questions now   )

[seeking balance]

[quote author=Conundrum link=topic=224431.msg12426507#msg12426507

Detaching/depersonalizing for me was hardest when I still believed that she was the key to my happiness--because I was happy with her for a long time. Until, I wasn't.

    [/quote]
oh yeah - one of the 10 False Beliefs... . good one Conundrum!

[Pecator]

[This post began yesterday, but wasn’t able to finish it until now. So everyone please imagine this is yesterday afternoon ]

Talk about timely? I was just heading out the door, but checked the board before I went.

For about the last week our so, I have really detached. I had a hard session with my T and my T brought me to the realization that I can care for my uBPDex's family with out letting it hook me. Her father had a heart attack (the whole event posted elsewhere). My T helped me realize the the desire to be involved and want contact was the part of the enmeshment I needed to resolve to heal. I decided to love her family (and her) from a distance and keep working on detaching.

My T even said I should tell her boys that it is too complicated to continue "hangin." She said I should have a conversation with them and tell them it is making it too difficult for their mom. (Using my replacement as an excuse [not wanting to complicate that] rather than that I am an extreme trigger for her) I was hoping to talk to them today.

Then I found out (enmeshment: I have too much info) today, that she had a blow-up with her youngest S15 and kicked him out to his father's. He and his father have no relationship. The father is a pretty self-centered man who makes no effort to be in their lives. I was the only partner who has been able to even carry on a conversation with him. His is a bit of an odd duck, but that could be his up-bringing, the severe head wound sustained in a plane crash or surviving 17 years with an uBPDw! All equal in my book.

Anyway, S15 not only dislikes his father (with some good reason), he hates his father's home, no internet, cable or anything.

I have watched my ex on about six occasions doing this to him. I did not understand her reactions, but I came from a far worse upbringing, so figured it was not so bad. I now understand that this is her dysregulating.

I was clearer in a lesser event.

S18 turned 18 while we were on holiday in the Caribbean. The first day he came back he went out and bought an e-cigarette. It is the only thing he could do at 18 that he couldn't at 17. Now, he is a MAJOR fitness freak. He is ranked fourth in Ontario in mountain biking. He watches everything he puts into his body and since these have no nicotine, he allowed himself to have some fun. He came home with it so excited to buy one. He in no way would ever get into vaping. His mother lost it. She screamed how no one would bring such a thing into her home. Blamed me for my history with smoking. His moment of joy suddenly turned into tremendous guilt.

S15 has been much more difficult. He is headstrong and stubborn underlined by incredible intelligence. He once told me that he only has a couple carefree years left to do what he wants as a kid. “I know mom will never do what she threatens. I know she loves me and won’t actually do it.” He can be a devil. But in those times when my ex dysregulates, his toughness collapses into the vulnerable boy he still is. He winds up crying in his room for hours.

So, when I heard this news, all I could think about was how he has taken on the guilt as deeply as I have. I wanted to go find out information. I wanted to meet mutual friends to see what happened. I wanted get to the bottom of this. I wanted to find a way to “protect” this kid from the destructive guilt that I took on from his mother... .

Then I found this thread. I stayed home and decided to post.



[Back to today]

I didn’t finish this post yesterday because S15 began texting me. We texted for hours about new musicians he has found. He has incredible insight to creative musicians. He has on so many occasions pointed me towards people who are doing amazing things in music (which is a deep passion of mine). It was a fantastic evening. No mention of current events.

My T was right. While doing very well on detaching from her, my love for her family hooks my “protector” and other issues. I did not created the dynamic between her and her sons. I cannot save them from yet another male figure disappearing from their lives. She and her BPD traits created this. I am not the solution nor even the band-aid.

Thanks to this thread, I stayed home. I was available and centered enough to have a mutually enlightening conversation with S15.

But I think I will wait a while before going N/C with the boys.

[seeking balance]

Timing combined with the willingness to learn & change - some folks call it luck others fate... . I kinda just put it into my gratitude list ... .

Thanks for sharing Pecator

[HappyNihilist]

However, it wasn't until I started taking things more personally (not just "oh, it was the BPD talking" all the time) that I was able to see how truly toxic he and the r/s were for me.

Thanks for jumping in HappyNihilist - and congrats on Ambie!

So, when you acknowledged you needed to take it more personally - what EMOTION came up for you (you get the hard questions now   )

Thank you! 

Anger was the first emotion that came up for me when I started taking his behavior more personally. I am not a person who really lives with a lot of anger. Of course I get angry sometimes, but I get over it quickly, and my "base state" is... . well, pretty happy.  So feeling such a deep, intense anger was very unusual for me.

My exbf (who had no shortage of anger) told me often that I needed to get angry more often. He would get angry "on my behalf" at something someone did/said to me. Mostly that was inconsequential stuff to me -- not the hill I want to die on, so to speak -- but I have realized that yes, I DO need to get angry when I'm mistreated. I don't have to act on my anger, but feeling angry reminds me that my boundaries have been crossed and I have a right not to tolerate that. Perhaps ironically, the person who most urged me to "get angry" at others became the recipient of a good 95% of my anger capacity.

I felt betrayed. I felt used. I felt cheated. I felt deceived. I felt like I'd been treated unfairly, even cruelly. And I got angry. And I needed that. I needed to stand up for myself, not necessarily in a literal way but mentally -- and by acknowledging and feeling my anger, I was able to do that.

[Turkish]

SB, yes it was validating to get that from my mom. She has several BPD traits, but is in general a kind person. I had great empathy for her once she told me her FOO issues, long repressed, which came out in therapy after I left her home the day I turned 18.

That's awesome Turkish. I had issues I've put to bed w my own mom.  She's been wonderful but she's sick, but she's also smart and knew something was rotten in Denmark!

I'm all about keeping it fun and light hearted for her, she took care of me now it's my turn

That's great CiF! Yes, I did radical acceptance on my mom years ago, the last step being about a year ago. She's a severely wounded and emotionally delicate creature, despite years of therapy and meds, but she's still my mom, and she rescued me from foster care. Leaving aside her issues and our chaotic life, she's still my mom and I love her.