Ever get tired of validating?

[maxsterling]

I'm normally on the "undecided" board, but think this is a more appropriate question to post here.  Perhaps this is one of the reasons I stay "undecided" is because I fear I will eventually just no longer have the motivation to constantly validate or use the tools to keep my r/s stable.  Some days, I just feel like I can't stand another day.

And lately have been a few of those days.  I'm doing my best to use the tools and validating her emotions.  It helps.  But it feels like constant work, and the end result is still the same.  Lately, she's felt quite negative about herself, appearance wise, and just in general.  The typical day is her unleashing a string of negative comments about herself. "I'm ugly, I'm fat, I hate myself, I wish I could just die, I'm stupid, etc."  While my heart just sinks (it really is a heartbreaking feeling to hear that), I try to validate.  But it's so hard to not just say, "You aren't ugly, you are beautiful."  So I will try and say something like, "I'm sorry you are viewing yourself that way.  I know you are working hard on losing weight and the results aren't coming fast enough - I would feel impatient and frustrated, too."  And it helps her feel better, but I deal with this every day, and I am just getting tired. 

Yesterday, in couples T, I explained how her constant negative talk makes me feel invalidated and is very difficult to handle.  With the help of the T, I thought she understood my need for her to alter some of her language or find other outlets.  We left T feeling pretty good.  But on the way home we stopped for dinner, and she realized she ate a fattening dinner.  The rest of the ride home I had to listen to her say she hates herself, how she is so stupid, how she will kill herself if she finds out she gained weight, how she wanted to force herself to throw up, and watched her hit herself in the head and generally thrash about.  I did my best to validate and then just try and leave the subject, knowing nothing I can do so just let her calm down on her own.  I tried to change the subject, but ultimately it took us getting home for her to calm a little.

Now I am at work, and she is back at it again via text message.  I feel like just ignoring it rather than validating.  Every day is like this.  Validating helps temporarily, but day in and day out, it's just the same thing.  I can't bear to hear the negative self talk.  She can't seem to stop.  Sometimes I think that validating and using the other tools is only enabling her to vent more to me, and that if I ignore it while I can, she will find some other outlet for her emotions. 

For those of you who have been in their r/s a long time, do you ever just get tired of validating or using the tools?  What do you do?  I just feel like I just can't move forward if I am dealing with this every day.

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[an0ught]

Hi  maxsterling,

Validation can be exhausting. We've all seen the Snickers advertisement where someone gets grumpy and team members see through that veil and discover the real need: Snickers energy. Gets boring after a while as we are getting a better and better handle on the emotional situation of our loved one. Grumpy in the morning - lack of coffee, grumpy in the afternoon - stress at job and grumpy in the evening - tired. Day in and day out with no end in sight.

The way I see it is we validate

  - to get a better understanding ourselves

  - to build and maintain a healthy connection

  - to provide a better self understanding and enable emotional regulation

Only the latter is really providing a service - the others we do because it is the right and healthy thing to do. But the latter can be exhausting - no question about it.

We provide feedback and contribute to emotional regulation. But what we are really after is to enable better emotional self regulation. Some leg work has to be done ultimately by the other side. And some times we may simply decide to provide less and let the other side figure out how to regain balance again. Boundaries play a big role in weaning off from continuously relying on outside validation to restarting insufficiently developed self validation capabilities. Not sure you have seen my longish post here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=221022.0

How are you doing on the boundary front?

[maxsterling]

thanks, a0.  I haven't read that post, but will give it a look over.

Boundaries?  Working on it.  My difficulty comes when she sounds either suicidal or extremely destructive.  Hard to stick to boundaries during those times.  I think regarding this issue, it would be nice to have a boundary that says I will not respond to self-loathing comments while I am at work (or in general).  I thought we had made progress on that last night during the T session after I had explained the way it made me feel to hear that kind of language and she seemed to respond when the T gave her other suggestions on how to validate herself, but obviously nothing changed.  Maybe just her knowing how it makes me feel, and me not jumping in immediately to validate her will eventually bring about a change and allow her time to validate herself.

[an0ught]

Nothing happens during a T session that is a big change to behavior as T sessions are cognitive exercises. Behavior are hard fought for and won changes.

If behavior changes would be so easy I would have a much better diet and do more exercise than I am.

Change can be seen as a two step process:

- imaging change

- implementing change

[Chosen]

Hi maxsterling,

Welcome to Staying board!

I do get tired of validating from time to time, particularly when I've been feeling low and don't come from a good place emotionally.  It's particularly hard to have somebody either fishing for compliments (by negative self-talk) or just babbling about negative things all the time, refusing to be reassured.

Problem with pwBPDs is that they are unable to self-regulate emotions like we do.  Since they see (and feel) the world in black and white, when they're not feeling tip-top, the world is crumbling down.  If they didn't have BPD/ BPD tendencies we may call them drama queens.  But that's how they are.  And while we "nons" may understand that "sometimes we feel low, and it's ok, we can do things to cheer ourselves up/ it will pass", they put the responsibility on somebody else to cheer them up.  And the task goes to us.

As an0ught has already said, validation is a communication tool, it usually solves nothing because it's about feelings, and ultimately it's up to the pwBPD to regulate their emotions.  When we validate, it helps though.  But I'd also like to add that we cannot continually validate, particularly when pwBPDs are usually very invalidating to us.  That way, we will end up getting sucked into their emotional lows.  What I do these days is I will validate to a point, but I will also detach a bit, giving my pwBPD the space to regulate.  I don't totally block out everything (that will anger him), but maybe not validate each negative statement, but wait till he brings up a few issues and validate those together as a whole.  When I'm at work I don't respond in detail, and I try to cut phone coversations short (my boss doesn't like personal calls, and it's also a good excuse to have some space for myself).  But I will say, "Hmm, I'm sorry you're feeling bad right now.  I wanna hear more about it, but I'm at work.  Maybe tell me more tonight?"

It helps in a way because he will then be forced to self-regulate for a few hours at least, and he knows that he cannot find immediate relief.  Why do pwBPDs find us for every little thing?  Because they know they can.  I feel that this is also a boundary you can implement.  I think it's sort of a "soft" boundary- you're not slamming down the phone or anything but you'll let youw pwBPD know that you will not have in-depth conversations with them on anything at work.  This space is important for both of you.

Hope this helps a little.

[Olinda]

I didn't realize until reading this thread that this is part of what exhausts me too.

I didn't understand that the black and white thinking puts everything into downer mode if they are not feeling great.  And I get so tired of the negativity. 

Today I just texted to my uBPD partner: I know you will figure out how to improve your mood. I'm sorry it is a rough day for you right now.

This morning she kept bringing up small things and being extremely grumpy about everything and I just kept validating and validating and finally took off her sunglasses, looked her in the eye, and asked her what is really happening right now. She was able to share that she hates her job (was on her way to work) and I was able to validate that, which was the real crux of the issue (none of the other smaller things were the REAL problem in the moment). 

I want to figure out how to do this more often because it really worked.  And she is self-regulating while she is at work today... .

She may be more high-functioning than some partners on here, though... . But it still depends on the day.

[ziniztar]

I feel that by default not calling each other at work is a very healthy boundary which creates space for you and your BPD SO to learn to self-regulate. It creates some validation-time-off. And I might add, it's not something only pwBPD do.

A few days ago I had quite a meltdown myself because I felt extremely lonely. Some of my friends had canceled on me and no one was available. I texted some friends (not literally saying I needed them but just general stuff) and no one replied. That left me on a Saturday morning, crying, forced to regulate myself. It was really valuable (in hindsight) that no one answered the phone. All of a sudden I remembered that I actually had some tools myself to do this.

Even though my dBPDbf and I have to tackle some interesting issues because we don't live together, I'm also glad he has to deal with some of his issues by himself. He's been in therapy for 1,5 years now and for the remaining 1,5 (I hear that a lot of official DSM5 criteria CAN be gone after at least 3 years of therapy) I won't be rushing into living together. Because I need more confidence in myself, in us and for other practical reasons, but also because it means he can't rely on me.

If a pwBPD is in T and does not get any chance to put that new learnt behaviour in practice, it won't help. If anyone else is even remotely linked to the 'solution' they will probably address the positive outcome to them, not building any self-confidence at all, which I think is crucial for recovery.

She was able to share that she hates her job (was on her way to work) and I was able to validate that, which was the real crux of the issue (none of the other smaller things were the REAL problem in the moment). 

I want to figure out how to do this more often because it really worked. 

What helps me is the metaphor that words are often just a vehicle for the underlying emotion. They sometimes don't even matter. So in many, many, many cases, it doesn't help at all to literally validate what is being said.

[itgirl]

For me it is hard to get tired of something that really really works.  Albeit I don't have to do it as often as some members on this board.  However what frustrates ME is that I don't get validated.  It didn't really bother me in the past but since learning about this tool I have noticed that I am not being validated.  When I tell my partner this she understands the need but of course doesn't admit or apologies that this imbalance is happening in our relationship.