Grief Work

[busybee1116]

I've been struggling with acceptance, letting go. Has anyone else done this? I just finished reading and doing the exercises in The Grief Recovery Handbook www.amazon.com/dp/0061686077/ref=cm_sw_r_udp_awd_jtQGtb1HKZX4N and found it pretty helpful. The entire book leads you to write a grief completion letter and recommends working with someone. I did it by myself, but have talked about parts of my work with my T. I've been stuck feeling, painful feelings, in T (which was important--I'd been very closed off from emotions), but this pulled me into the thinking part of my history--what are my memories, what are the facts, what actually happened. I kept thinking that my uBPDm should have loved me, known better, seen me for me and that HURTS. I still work to seek her approval. My T recently told me it's like going to a pastry shop day after day and asking for a bagel when all they sell are Danishes. I will never get a bagel there, no matter how many times I ask, wish, hope, dream. Doing the exercises, I went back in my memory and thought about my earliest experiences with her. She was more of a background figure--I remember her cooking, sewing, brushing my hair, cleaning, disciplining. I don't remember her cuddling, hugging me or holding me, unlike my father. He was safe, she was not. She was a moody housekeeper more than a doting, cuddly mother. That was an amazing insight for me. She has NEVER been loving in the way I want/need/hope her to be. I need to accept this, not try to change her. She can't give love, so how can I earn it? It was that moment of clarity when the pastry shop analogy hit home. Have you found other ways (besides NC) to move on, let go, accept what is?

[talithacumi]

Great post, busybee - sounds like you're doing a lot of really good (i.e. really painful/really necessary/really revealing!) work as you process what you've been through and how/why it's effected you so much. Very inspiring!

For me, the biggest gains I've made have come from similar reality checks. Intentionally, and momentarily setting aside the feelings I have about someone/something to look at the facts and let them speak to me for themselves for a change. Like you, I discovered my beliefs/feelings about my mom were largely incongruous/unrelated to the reality of the parent/person she actually was/is. Same with my expwBPD. And, most significantly, same with me/myself which has been the single most profoundly and genuinely moving experience I've had in my life, I think - a complete game changer for me in every possible way.

Oh, and crying. Lots and lots and LOTS of crying, too! For myself. For everyone involved. For all the things that have changed, have turned out not to be what I believed/felt/thought they were, cannot ever be what they once were to/for me ever again. Because all of those things - however unhealthy/unhappy they may have been - were ever so precious/important to me that their passing - however inevitable/necessary - must be felt as the loss it so truly is.

Keep up the good work, busybee ... . it's a process, not a destination.

[busybee1116]

Oh, and crying. Lots and lots and LOTS of crying, too! For myself. For everyone involved. For all the things that have changed, have turned out not to be what I believed/felt/thought they were, cannot ever be what they once were to/for me ever again. Because all of those things - however unhealthy/unhappy they may have been - were ever so precious/important to me that their passing - however inevitable/necessary - must be felt as the loss it so truly is.

Oh yes, lots of crying! But crying over something specific more than just feeling in pain. Doing the exercise for my dad, one of the things that struck me and reduced me to tears is that I am so grateful he did hug me, carry me on his shoulders. I've been so mad at him for other things... . hard to remember that when I was too little to perform, he just loved me. I sat on his lap more than a chair. Those are my earliest memories of him. Things have changed, but I will always treasure that closeness, pure love, feeling safe, feeling like he would protect me. And he did. I broke down in tears, grieving that loss. I didn't realize that's specifically what I missed about him and how it relates to other aspects of my life, feeling loved for just being, safe and protected by something physically stronger than me. It's scary being my own knight in shining armor. I can do it, but I miss it, if that makes sense.

I've also been trying to practice mindfulness, bringing myself back to this moment over and over and over. It's hard but it helps, when I remember (and can get out of my own head) to do it. It's especially helpful when I visit my parents (and immediately after, rather than going over and over the visit in my head).

[tiredndown]

Busybee,

The way you describe your father is what I am trying to be for my two amazing children. If you were able to give your father advice on how he could have done it better what would that advice be? The three of us are dealing with a mother not unlike yours.

Thank you

[busybee1116]

Tired, don't misunderstand my father based on the little description above. I believe he's NPD. BPD/NPD pairs, like my parents, are especially toxic because they feed off each other. But of the 2, he was more open and loving and seemed "normal" by comparison. He refuses to acknowledge that she has a problem (besides maybe drinking), just "sensitive" with low self esteem. When I grew beyond daddy's little girl, he didn't know how to handle it. I'm a professional in my 40s, and he still treats me like I'm 5 most of the time. So if I had to give you any advice (or advice to him if he would actually hear) regarding how to raise kids... . I think the most harmful thing was that my feelings didn't count or that feelings besides being happy and compliant we're not allowed. I grew up in an invalidating environment. I learned I couldn't trust my own eyes or believe my own senses. My parents told me I wasn't hungry (rather than--You're hungry, but dinner isn't ready yet, you'll have to wait a few more minutes), to "calm down" if I was (appropriately) excited or sad. So hear you kids. Let them be angry/sad/happy, and learn how to tolerate their emotions and validate them. I was so busy trying to be a good girl who never made my parents mad that I never had a moment to figure out who I am, what I want, until now.

[Cardinals in Flight]

BB, I too had a standoffish rs with my mom, non nurturing, emotionally unavailable.  My dad, (I was daddy's girl) abandoned me more times than I can count.  My parents still to this day cannot allow emotion without becoming unglued.  I cry, freely too.  At parades, weddings, a beautiful piece of music, I can be so moved... .

Fast forward to meeting my pwBPD, and the first time in my life I was put on a pedestal and treated like a princess.  I didn't have to work so hard to stay there, until I wasn't... . then all my caretaking tendencies kicked in and NOTHING was good enough.  At least I could still please my parents all these years later when I went into over achiever mode.

I hug my children, tell them I love them, tell their father I love him. (divorced as I "came out", I listen when they're angry, we yell and fight and make up... . all of this was discouraged in my childhood.

Along comes pwBPD, she yells, she devalues, there was no making up... . only her coming back when she felt like it, my thoughts were and are irrelevant.  

Glad to be off that cycle of destruction, although I do see how I played my part.  I'm not proud of a lot of things, but I can hold my head high with how I disengaged with love and compassion, and leaving a crack in the door so I did not abandon.

Cif

[busybee1116]

How did you get there, CiF? It sounds like you've moved to acceptance.

[Cardinals in Flight]

How did you get there, CiF? It sounds like you've moved to acceptance.

Some days are better than others! I went to therapy for years too! I know I'm a good person and that I did not deserve, even at my worst, what my pwBPD dished out to me

I still have hard days, Miss her like crazy, and? I really do love her, but that love is mine to keep. That love helps me love myself.  She cannot, in all her disordered ness take my love of her away.

She can make me angry, she can hurt me, say nasty things, none of that is my business, it's all on her.  She destroyed someone who would have loved her forever, sickness and all, good and bad, tossed me aside like a piece of trash.  Not very smart, but then she's only a baby in her emotional life.  I do accept that.  It's very hard, she is intelligent, high functioning and out going to all who do NOT know her intimately.  I guess she maybe she did love me, and that is the trigger for leaving me.

CiF

[tiredndown]

BB - Thank you for your reply. I am sorry that my question derailed your discussion. Your advice is very important to me. I always hated when ... . (the child hurt themselves and are crying) and the parents would say "Come on, that didn't hurt that bad."

Well, Maybe it DID ! ! !

I hug my children, tell them I love them, tell their father I love him. (divorced as I "came out", I listen when they're angry, we yell and fight and make up... . all of this was discouraged in my childhood.

Along comes pwBPD, she yells, she devalues, there was no making up... . only her coming back when she felt like it, my thoughts were and are irrelevant.   

This pretty much explains my current situation. Ever since my Son(12) and daughter(4) were born I have told them that they are the most important people in my life, and I love them with all my heart, and will until the day I die. I grew up wondering if my father really wanted kids and just had them because mom wanted them. Mom was always trying to put us back together after dad tore us apart. Sadly I married the female version of my dad. It took my mother passing before dad realized he was an ahole during the marriage. My kids will never wonder if I really wanted them.

When I am alone with the kids that is no drama. If we do argue we at allow each other to make their point, then after we calm down we offer an apology to each other. I try and let them know that ... . This is the way it is supposed to be. people argue, but learn from it and move forward!. I try to have group hugs before we go to bed with the three of us.

My wife I am brain washing them because they want spend all of their time with me. Sadly she does not see the effects of her behavior.

Thank you again

[busybee1116]

Tired, sounds like you are breaking the cycle. Bravo.