sometimes i feel vulnerable and scared

[corraline]

Just now i was thinking about how i told my ex pretty much everything about me. My deepest and darkest. My insecurities, my fears, my hopes and  dreams, everything.  Nobody else knows me better.

I was an open book.  In the beginning i was amazed how someone could be so interested in everything about me.  I had never experienced this before.  I started to feel vulnerable and told him so and also told him that i was not going to continue answering and opening up to him until i got to know him better.

He was pretty good about that.

As time went by that part was alright and i checked in with myself around my boundaries and what i was comfortable with but our relationship deepened and so did my trust with him in this regard.

At times, he used some of the things i told him as weapons and twisted them to hurt me.

I would tell him that i was not happy about that.  During heated times, i am guilty of not being so sweet and lovely myself.  truth be told.

But for the most part i tried to handle things responsibly, because thats kinda how i like to handle things, i didn't want to hurt him and i was terrified he would abandon me.

anyway, it scares me that i have shown so much of myself to him .  Now that he thinks so terribly of me and is spewing so much hatred and venom my way. Realistically tho, i think what the heck am i afraid of here?  blackmail? no, smear campaign... . well kinda. hurting me more cause he knows my vulnerabilities ? yes.  that's it i think.

I just can't give it so much power. I've gotta get a handle on that fear.  My fears have calmed down a heck of alot since it all first blew up but its still operating. 

Thanks for listening.

[seeking balance]

hurting me more cause he knows my vulnerabilities ? yes.  that's it i think.

Having experienced this reality in MC with my ex, my vulnerabilities used against me - I can tell you that you will survive it if it happens.  Considering the fact he is now out of your life, this FEAR may indeed be a False Expectation Appearing, Real.

You are stronger than you know right now.

Peace,

SB

[corraline]

thank you seeking balance.

FEAR is my own personal issue, regardless of him.  I see it in other areas of my life too.

I am working on creating a sense of safety for myself. I need to start trusting in "life".

[Emelie Emelie]

I understand Corraline.  My exBF used my vulnerabilities against me all the time.  I told him how I lost it once and screamed at my daughter.  In a later argument he said it was abuse and said I was setting my daughter up for a lifetime of it.  (Interesting coming from him.)  When I talked to him about other problems with her he later said if you want to see why your daughter is the way she is look in the mirror.  Oh he used just about every insecurity and vulnerability I ever shared with him against me. 

I worry too.  I work with very well know public figures and I told him things about them... . things I shouldn't have repeated.  He could bury me if he wanted to.

[seeking balance]

thank you seeking balance.

FEAR is my own personal issue, regardless of him.  I see it in other areas of my life too.

I am working on creating a sense of safety for myself. I need to start trusting in "life".

Yeah, this takes time to work through, the hardest part is admitting it.  You are further along than you probably even know.