Replacement Guy talking marriage - after 2 months?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

This is going to be a weird post... . still feels like I'm living in the Twilight Zone at times... . please bear with me.

So at the beginning of December last year I found out my uBPDGF (now ex) was cheating, with her married exBF, most of December I went NC (sulking), January & February we were arguing & crying & fighting about it & finally called it quits after she got physical & I got a restraining order.

In April she was showing off a different new guy on her face book & now in June they are talking marriage already?

Ok this guy is not new new, he's been lurking around in the shadows for a while.

He's her mother's boyfriend's nephew, & I first heard his name from our son in 2012 whilst we were on the outs & she was pregnant with our daughter ("We went to Uncle J's house with Mummy"

They live in the same area, go to the same church, but when she introduced me to him at a church function last year, he had a different fiancee (who incidentally I remember thinking looked a lot like my uBPDexGF).

At this point it's really none of my business ofcourse, but I have to admit I'm feeling a strange mixture of shock, relief & dull pain of a second betrayal, which is silly isn't it?

This news has set me back a bit, reminiscing & only-if ing again... . Ugh!

Asking myself all sorts of questions I can't & shouldnt be trying to answer:

Is this the whole love-bombing / infatuation thing happening here?

Is it normal for a man to want to marry a woman with 3 kids from 2 different fathers after being with her for 2 months, or is he as emotionally immature as she is?

I was with her for 6 years & always hesitant to commit to her because of all the tantrums, manipulation, mood swings etc etc, & when I was finally ready to commit, I found out she was cheating :-(

Did she even tell him that she cheated on her the father of her first child with me, & cheated on me with someone else?

Did he even ask her why we broke up? Does he even care?

What happened to his fiancee?

Did this relationship actually start long before & I was just not aware?

Is he yet another rescuer, knight in shining armour type, who has been sold a sob story about how terrible I was?

Was I terrible? Did I treat her badly, not understand her, make her act crazy & insecure?

Is this guy treating her better than I did?

Does he understand her better than I did because they come from the same cultural background?

Has she been changed by our break-up?

One of our mutual friends told me she has stopped drinking & smoking, says she wants to settle down now, no more messing around... .

Has she even shown him that "other side" of her yet?

Will he be able to handle it when she does?

Why is he always at her mother's house when I'm picking up & dropping off our kids?

Why does she seem so jittery when I'm there, seemingly not wanting me to see them sitting together on the couch or whatever, yet she posts pictures of them hugging & all that on face book?

Will she neglect our 18 month old daughter now that she's so focussed on this new love of her life?

Last weekend when I fetched her, uBPDex was nowhere to be seen (left the baby with her mother?), baby daughter was not bathed & her nappy was soaked through to her clothes, same runny nose & cough she had 2 weeks ago when I last saw her... . :-(

Will she be more agreeable to letting me have custody of our kids now that she wants to start a new  life / family with him?

 

Am I crazy for thinking about all this crap instead of getting on with my own life?

Aaaaargh!

[Vitto18]

This is going to be a weird post... . still feels like I'm living in the Twilight Zone at times... . please bear with me.

So at the beginning of December last year I found out my uBPDGF (now ex) was cheating, with her married exBF, most of December I went NC (sulking), January & February we were arguing & crying & fighting about it & finally called it quits after she got physical & I got a restraining order.

In April she was showing off a different new guy on her face book & now in June they are talking marriage already?

Ok this guy is not new new, he's been lurking around in the shadows for a while.

He's her mother's boyfriend's nephew, & I first heard his name from our son in 2012 whilst we were on the outs & she was pregnant with our daughter ("We went to Uncle J's house with Mummy"

They live in the same area, go to the same church, but when she introduced me to him at a church function last year, he had a different fiancee (who incidentally I remember thinking looked a lot like my uBPDexGF).

At this point it's really none of my business ofcourse, but I have to admit I'm feeling a strange mixture of shock, relief & dull pain of a second betrayal, which is silly isn't it?

This news has set me back a bit, reminiscing & only-if ing again... . Ugh!

Asking myself all sorts of questions I can't & shouldnt be trying to answer:

Is this the whole love-bombing / infatuation thing happening here?

Is it normal for a man to want to marry a woman with 3 kids from 2 different fathers after being with her for 2 months, or is he as emotionally immature as she is?

I was with her for 6 years & always hesitant to commit to her because of all the tantrums, manipulation, mood swings etc etc, & when I was finally ready to commit, I found out she was cheating :-(

Did she even tell him that she cheated on her the father of her first child with me, & cheated on me with someone else?

Did he even ask her why we broke up? Does he even care?

What happened to his fiancee?

Did this relationship actually start long before & I was just not aware?

Is he yet another rescuer, knight in shining armour type, who has been sold a sob story about how terrible I was?

Was I terrible? Did I treat her badly, not understand her, make her act crazy & insecure?

Is this guy treating her better than I did?

Does he understand her better than I did because they come from the same cultural background?

Has she been changed by our break-up?

One of our mutual friends told me she has stopped drinking & smoking, says she wants to settle down now, no more messing around... .

Has she even shown him that "other side" of her yet?

Will he be able to handle it when she does?

Why is he always at her mother's house when I'm picking up & dropping off our kids?

Why does she seem so jittery when I'm there, seemingly not wanting me to see them sitting together on the couch or whatever, yet she posts pictures of them hugging & all that on face book?

Will she neglect our 18 month old daughter now that she's so focussed on this new love of her life?

Last weekend when I fetched her, uBPDex was nowhere to be seen (left the baby with her mother?), baby daughter was not bathed & her nappy was soaked through to her clothes, same runny nose & cough she had 2 weeks ago when I last saw her... . :-(

Will she be more agreeable to letting me have custody of our kids now that she wants to start a new  life / family with him?

 

Am I crazy for thinking about all this crap instead of getting on with my own life?

Aaaaargh!

[seeking balance]

At this point it's really none of my business ofcourse, but I have to admit I'm feeling a strange mixture of shock, relief & dull pain of a second betrayal, which is silly isn't it?

This news has set me back a bit, reminiscing & only-if ing again... . Ugh!

Of course it has, it is normal to feel emotions around our ex's moving on, especially so quickly.  It pushes all of our own "not enough" buttons.  Let yourself feel this stuff so you can move past it.

Will she be more agreeable to letting me have custody of our kids now that she wants to start a new  life / family with him?

not likely - this would be a question you might want to pose on the legal board for a much better explanation from folks who have been in your shoes.

Am I crazy for thinking about all this crap instead of getting on with my own life?

Crazy, no

So, all that crap is not going to help you move on, but writing it out here is good, it lets you process your emotions... . Can you label the emotions you are feeling tied to the "crap" in your head?

[arjay]

Did she even tell him that she cheated on her the father of her first child with me, & cheated on me with someone else?

Probably not and instead made up a story to justify her behavior

Did he even ask her why we broke up? Does he even care?

See Above

What happened to his fiancee?

Not worth thinking about

Did this relationship actually start long before & I was just not aware?

Probably not worth giving it a lot of emotional energy

Is he yet another rescuer, knight in shining armour type, who has been sold a sob story about how terrible I was?

You may be right. Or maybe he is simply easily manipulated.  :)on't give it too much energy.

Is this guy treating her better than I did?

According to "her" now?  I am sure he is wonderful but we all know how it goes in the end.

Does he understand her better than I did because they come from the same cultural background?

Unless this new guy is an expert in dealing with BPD he is going to go the same route in likely even a shorter period of time.

Has she been changed by our break-up?

Not unless she has been getting serious and prolonged treatment which most don't

One of our mutual friends told me she has stopped drinking & smoking, says she wants to settle down now, no more messing around... .

Well with three? kids she better but because she suffers from a personality disorder, unless she gets treatment, not much will change.

Has she even shown him that "other side" of her yet?

It eventually comes out.  It always does in the absence of getting professional help.

Will he be able to handle it when she does?

The odds are "no" unless he is Gandhi or the Dalai Lama

Why is he always at her mother's house when I'm picking up & dropping off our kids?

Not worth the energy.  What is important is harmony when you are picking up/dropping off

Why does she seem so jittery when I'm there, seemingly not wanting me to see them sitting together on the couch or whatever, yet she posts pictures of them hugging & all that on face book?

Because she cannot deal with her own feelings

Will she neglect our 18 month old daughter now that she's so focussed on this new love of her life?

Spend as much time as you can with your D.

Last weekend when I fetched her, uBPDex was nowhere to be seen (left the baby with her mother?), baby daughter was not bathed & her nappy was soaked through to her clothes, same runny nose & cough she had 2 weeks ago when I last saw her... . :-(

Will she be more agreeable to letting me have custody of our kids now that she wants to start a new  life / family with him?

 

Am I crazy for thinking about all this crap instead of getting on with my own life?

Aaaaargh!

Outside of your parental responsibilities, worrying about the other stuff is not going to help you moving forward, or being a great dad.

Peace