Broke NC

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I broke NC last Saturday. I received some mail for her and we agreed again to see each other, this time we hang out a bit. She was really depressed and low, was trying to get in touch with the T urgently. On my side, I was quite numb, as always when she would tell so much about her difficulties, I just stay supportive and kind. I wished to see her because I wanted to verbalize my thoughts about the b/u, but unfortunately the circumstances weren't good, so I kept it low.

I realize now how much it was difficult for me to REALLY talk while in her presence. I'm so scared by anger that I'm withdrawing at any sign. We never talked about that.

After that I've sent her an email with a book reference and she replied that she would need time to hang out again with me. That triggered guilt and shame in me. I replied by a kind email but went too far in my sharing I guess because now I'm struggling again with anger and feeling of being ignored, since she did not acknowledge my mail.

My wish was to stay LC. I understand that if nothing is done to improve the r/s I/she will suffer from it and I don't want that.

I feel like I drank again some kind of poison, and I hate myself for stepping back so much.

When she wasn't in my city it was easy to let go. Now that she's around it triggers everything back.

I find myself torn between compassion, anger and sadness. I feel like I completely lost control of myself, rationality is not doing it at all.

:'(

[Samsara121]

I broke NC last Saturday. I received some mail for her and we agreed again to see each other, this time we hang out a bit. She was really depressed and low, was trying to get in touch with the T urgently. On my side, I was quite numb, as always when she would tell so much about her difficulties, I just stay supportive and kind. I wished to see her because I wanted to verbalize my thoughts about the b/u, but unfortunately the circumstances weren't good, so I kept it low.

I realize now how much it was difficult for me to REALLY talk while in her presence. I'm so scared by anger that I'm withdrawing at any sign. We never talked about that.

After that I've sent her an email with a book reference and she replied that she would need time to hang out again with me. That triggered guilt and shame in me. I replied by a kind email but went too far in my sharing I guess because now I'm struggling again with anger and feeling of being ignored, since she did not acknowledge my mail.

My wish was to stay LC. I understand that if nothing is done to improve the r/s I/she will suffer from it and I don't want that.

I feel like I drank again some kind of poison, and I hate myself for stepping back so much.

When she wasn't in my city it was easy to let go. Now that she's around it triggers everything back.

I find myself torn between compassion, anger and sadness. I feel like I completely lost control of myself, rationality is not doing it at all.

:'(

[arjay]

Greetings.  I read one of your earlier posts and was enlightened regarding one of your comments:

... . "In hindsight, I understand better now my craving for being needed more than for being loved... . "

Interestingly this was something I learned about myself while in counseling.  That "need" is often part of a "rescue-type" of person that is desperately seeking acknowledgement and love from helping others.  Sadly it usually blows-up in our face, leaving us angry, disillusioned, feeling misunderstood, etc.  In other words we end up seeking inner acceptance through outward relationships with people that "appear to need help", or even worse, people we are convinced need fixing (who will then shower us with love and admiration).

From one of your comments here:

... . "after that I've sent her an email with a book reference and she replied that she would need time to hang out again with me. That triggered guilt and shame in me. I replied by a kind email but went too far in my sharing I guess because now I'm struggling again with anger and feeling of being ignored, since she did not acknowledge my mail... . "

I would suggest that as an example of where (like me) one is expecting a "payoff" from helping.  That is what rescuers do.

Could that be what is driving you to break NC?  Thinking you can help?

We are not in charge of anyone's adult life except our own.  Really taking that to heart is what keeps me from seeking out damaged people again.  I have found self-worth within.

Peace to you

[Samsara121]

Thank you Arjay for your reply and for getting in touch with my story You're right I was a rescue type. With T I've learned to be supportive and I feel ok now.

What makes me suffer is the absence of reciprocity, or acknowledgment, I hate to feel invisible to someone I care for. I really don't feel in charge of anything for her. More about my relationship competencies and even more precisely about conflict management.

What made me broke NC was my wish to express myself about the b/u - I did it by email as she was abroad for many months - Seeing her in pain now made me feel guilty about just having sent an email. I felt I hadn't taken enough responsibility with my poor behavior. I followed the process suggested on this website and everything went well, kind communications between us, no fights, she went to a rebound relationship and I was safe. 

As we now both want to keep a low connection, I feel I can learn from it, I can learn to express myself better and perhaps start loving myself by behaving better. I don't think I can help her beside taking very good care of myself. Radical acceptance is great and hard to keep strong, that's my motto. What do you think from your point of view?

[arjay]

What makes me suffer is the absence of reciprocity, or acknowledgment, I hate to feel invisible to someone I care for.

It seems this person is maybe "emotionally unavailable?".  If that is the case, ignoring that reality (no matter how much it hurts), means we continue to set ourselves up for more disappointment and lack of acknowledgement.

If you give of your friendship without any expectations, then you won't be disappointed.  Continuing to give with the expectation of gaining something in return (i.e. acknowledgment) may be blind siding yourself with the result of more pain. 

We cannot expect to receive what the other is incapable of giving, otherwise we are simply continuing in the madness.  We either accept that reality and give freely, or we see it for what it is and make peace with it and let-go.

Peace to you

[Samsara121]

If you give of your friendship without any expectations, then you won't be disappointed.  Continuing to give with the expectation of gaining something in return (i.e. acknowledgment) may be blind siding yourself with the result of more pain. 

We cannot expect to receive what the other is incapable of giving, otherwise we are simply continuing in the madness.  We either accept that reality and give freely, or we see it for what it is and make peace with it and let-go.

Peace to you

Thank you for those very soothing words arjay. I understand that seeing her took me out of the detachment process and put me back in the "expectations" mode. I like the "no expectations" approach better than the "no hope" I guess.

I see clearly now, I feel I'm in the transition process from being needed to being loved.

I don't want to feel needed I want to feel loved! Well I'm going back to work with my T... . Thank you arjay!