Seeking strength, exBPD came around...

[Narellan]

My son just told me my exBPD came around Sunday afternoon when I wasnt home. He forgot to tell me. Why do I suddenly feel joy?

I've been anticipating this for weeks with a plan of shutting the door in his face. Then new wounds have opened with discussing it all with my parents on Saturday, and I've cried every day since then. He hurt me so much, as many of you know. I've been to hell and back and after 3 months NC I feel so happy that he came around. Please help. I feel so weak and pathetic ATM I don't know what I'd do when he comes again, except cry is definitely a high possibility... .   I can't take him back, but why am I so thrilled?

[seeking balance]

but why am I so thrilled?

Could it be because you are tying your self worth to his coming around?

[Red Sky]

I may be projecting my own feelings, but please try to detach from the fact that your parents have made you feel defensive of him and of yourself. Don't give into pride by trying to prove to them that you were right. Or to show yourself that you were right. Because isn't that part of why you are thrilled, the hope that you were right? I prolonged a terrible relationship by a good four months trying to put on a good face in front of my parents. It was horrible. Some of the things that happened in those months haunt me, and yet at the time I pasted a smile on my face, went home and said 'why yes, I had a lovely time last night'. *shudder*

As for what to do if you see him again - I don't know if this is a good or bad idea, but what about rehearsing in your head what you would say or do? I know it may make you keep thinking about him but what if it gave you a way to address him calmly if you did end up in a situation where you had to speak to him? Once you knew that, maybe you could kind of draw a line under these thoughts.

[LettingGo14]

My son just told me my exBPD came around Sunday afternoon when I wasnt home. He forgot to tell me. Why do I suddenly feel joy?

I've been anticipating this for weeks with a plan of shutting the door in his face. Then new wounds have opened with discussing it all with my parents on Saturday, and I've cried every day since then. He hurt me so much, as many of you know. I've been to hell and back and after 3 months NC I feel so happy that he came around. Please help. I feel so weak and pathetic ATM I don't know what I'd do when he comes again, except cry is definitely a high possibility... .  I can't take him back, but why am I so thrilled?

Narellen -- Seeking Balance asks a very important question, that I would like to illustrate with my current thinking, in hope that it helps.

Most of us on this board have spent a long time trying to make sense of our stories -- to ourselves, to our families, to our friends, and to each other.   We have ruminated and remembered, and imagined "what if... . " scenarios.  We rise & we fall with emotions, and our thoughts serve sometimes to imprison us, and sometimes to release us.   We live with our stories, which repeat over and over and over again.

I had a relationship filled with emotional drama, marked by highs and lows, and one which -- at the end -- left me feeling like a strung out addict.  Intellectually, I could articulate why the relationship collapsed, but my heart and unconscious mind longed for another fix.   I wanted to be affirmed rather than discarded.  I wanted to be joy rather than pain.  I wanted to connected rather than cursed.

You are joyful because your brain just accepted a signal that you matter.   Because our brains are complex entities, I could tell you all day long that, yes -- YOU DO MATTER (and YOU DO... . ) but it won't resonate with you like the fact that your EX came by... .

Why is that?

It's because our brains -- conditioned by experience and feeling and associated chemical processes -- assign greater meaning to our exes than might otherwise be warranted.  

My task -- right now -- is to RETRAIN my brain.   It is to accept a realistic view -- that is, my relationship was filled with drama, and even if my ex-girlfriend knocked on my door right now (which won't happen), I have to accept and acknowledge that I cannot go back.   I am actively working to acknowledge, accept, and work through the magical thinking that my brain engaged in during my relationship.   Magical thinking was a false refuge.

More importantly, my task is to hold all emotions -- joy, grief, love, sadness -- and realize that all emotions come from WITHIN me -- and, even if I assign meaning to objects outside me, I need to own and process my own emotions in order to reclaim my sense of self.

My point is this -- that THRILL came from within you.  You retain the capacity for THRILL.  But, it's your capacity -- NOT HIS.    Let yourself be thrilled.  Revel in your capacity to be thrilled.  But, own it for yourself.

Here's a related quote from Tara Brach:



“Each time you meet an old emotional pattern with presence, your awakening to truth can deepen. There’s less identification with the self in the story and more ability to rest in the awareness that is witnessing what’s happening. You become more able to abide in compassion, to remember and trust your true home. Rather than cycling repetitively through old conditioning, you are actually spiraling toward freedom.”

[Narellan]

"Could it be because you are tying your self worth to his coming around?"

Yes... . It definitely feels like that. I don't feel so rejected now I know he's thinking of me. I feel like I did matter to him after all...

[Narellan]

" Don't give into pride by trying to prove to them that you were right."

I feel so right now. Like all my thoughts about BPD were right. That he has been thinking about me despite 3 months of silence. That he is going to try another recycle.

It's a good feeling to be right. But I know him now, and now this makes sense, but with that BPD knowledge I know what I need to do.

[Narellan]

"You are joyful because your brain just accepted a signal that you matter.   Because our brains are complex entities, I could tell you all day long that, yes -- YOU DO MATTER (and YOU DO... . ) but it won't resonate with you like the fact that your EX came by... . "

And this... . Absolutely true. For months I've struggled with the silent treatment and whether it's BPD or whether he's just moved on... . It feels really like the puzzle pieces have clicked into place. I'm absolutely certain it's BPD now. But yes my brain is thinking" you were right, you did matter to him. He misses you too, and he did care for you"

So as for retraining my brain, this recycling stops now. Along with joy, there is slight anxiety now. That's because I now have to reject him. I have a plan in my head of just shutting the door.

I am going to look bl00dy  good when I do that though, just did the hair and makeup, feeling good, feeling strong. Stupidly thinking " see what you're missing out on", which being BPD, he won't care, will just move on to the next target. Don't think he's capable of regretting ditching me, but it will empower me to have some control now.

[Red Sky]

I know the feeling of being right is glorious. My ex contacted me on Valentine's day (5 months NC) and it was WONDERFUL (in a kind of toxic way). Admittedly I had moved on to some degree and it was so satisfying to realise he was still stuck in the same place as when I dumped him. I knew that getting in touch would be giving exactly what he wanted. He is the only person who has ever made me feel actively vengeful, and I channelled it into some good old passive-aggressive NCing.

This guy left you on a moment's notice and caused you tons of pain. Don't give him what he wants, because he didn't earn it. You're worth more. Don't give him the satisfaction of being right either!

[BorisAcusio]

"Could it be because you are tying your self worth to his coming around?"

Yes... . It definitely feels like that. I don't feel so rejected now I know he's thinking of me. I feel like I did matter to him after all...

As you know, borderlines enlist others in the times of pain and anxiety because of their deficits in self-soothing. It has nothing to do with us. Not engaging in the cycle means you gained back control over your life and it's something to be thrilled about.

[Samsara121]

I feel for you narellan, I understand the joy you felt at first when you heard about the news. I'm glad you are now controlling your thoughts, that you are staying connected to the reason why you got out of the r/s.

I'm in LC with my pwBPDex. I'm going to all sorts of feelings, hope, anger, expectations. My mind wanders, goes back and forth from the past to a dreamy future. I miss the kind attention, the good times. Then loosing the detachment mode activates my body's memory, it warns me again: I feel drained, my vital energy is sucked out, my legs feel weak, my head is heavy. I no longer feel the dignity to want  full respect for myself. I'm giving in the DREAM.

To come back to REALITY, I calm myself and brings my thoughts to the present moment, I feel how great it is to be in stable connection with myself, no more in contact with drama and exhaustion due to the instability. I embrace all emotions and let them pass.

I think you've all been loved and cared for to some extent by our SO, because we are lovable persons. It's just that it wasn't sustainable due the emotional disregulation.

I hope you'll find the strength to stick to your plan and find a balance within yourself. There are two quotes I like at the moment:

"In order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it". Mitch Albom

"What you do today can improve all your tomorrows".

Peace out

[AG]

"You are joyful because your brain just accepted a signal that you matter.   Because our brains are complex entities, I could tell you all day long that, yes -- YOU DO MATTER (and YOU DO... . ) but it won't resonate with you like the fact that your EX came by... . "

And this... . Absolutely true. For months I've struggled with the silent treatment and whether it's BPD or whether he's just moved on... . It feels really like the puzzle pieces have clicked into place. I'm absolutely certain it's BPD now. But yes my brain is thinking" you were right, you did matter to him. He misses you too, and he did care for you"

So as for retraining my brain, this recycling stops now. Along with joy, there is slight anxiety now. That's because I now have to reject him. I have a plan in my head of just shutting the door.

I am going to look bl00dy  good when I do that though, just did the hair and makeup, feeling good, feeling strong. Stupidly thinking " see what you're missing out on", which being BPD, he won't care, will just move on to the next target. Don't think he's capable of regretting ditching me, but it will empower me to have some control now.

Narallen just wanted to say Im proud of you. Your my hero ... . You've come along way and inspire me to do the same.

Yes he will care... . They have regular human emotions just amplified to a ridiculous level. He is still a man. If your looking good and turn him down it will effect him. Just look good for you though. Honestly though I wouldn't blame you. My body is freaking sick right now I packed on so much damn lean muscle and I'm positive that I'm by far the best looking my ex ever had. I know she will show up here eventually. Don't know if you remember but we both discussed that it would happen for both of us. I envision her showing up to my place ringing my bell and me looking out the peep hole then taking my shirt off putting it in the hamper and answering the door just to say you have to leave LOL. So I definitely feel you on the thought. You want them to know they missed out on a great opportunity. Just food for thought though that someone else told me on here. Don't get in the way of Karma or she will step out the way and let you do your thing and possibly come back for you. Don't know if I could take that advice myself though I still think I might come to the door with no shirt just to say get out of here and dont come back if the opportunity came along .

[Narellan]

Thanks guys ! Xx it's great to have your support x

I look like Jennifer Hawkins today

Yesterday I bought my first ever size 8 rip curl jeans and I look a million bucks. 

Funny thing is, I feel good too. My mum just told me I seem like I'm back to my old self. I said its because he came around. Lots of work to do there with my T ... .

And yeah, answer the door shirtless. Do what makes you feel good and empowers you. I sure as heck don't want him thinking he's devastated me. So if I can put on a strong face and say what needs to be said I think I'll feel closure for good. We left it as friends, no hard feelings, but I didn't know he was behind my back with my friend then. And all the NC has made me move forward. I need to tell him I don't want contact in any form and let's just move forward now. He will never know I read his emails and that I knew about that with my ex best friend.

Funny though he hasn't been back since and that's a few days ago. He hasn't rung either. Maybe he's got the message because I didn't contact him after my son said he came over.

Either way, I'm ok. Recovering and trying to heal.

I love that I'm you're hero AG  that gave me such a boost. 

[Red Sky]

Yaaay! Glad to hear it 

[Tolou]

Hi Nar... .

To be honest, I try to assume what anyone else is thinking, regardless what label or diagnosis we give them.  Him coming around, and you feeling the way you do, is more about you then him.  If were not "disordered"? how can we assume to know their real motives behind coming back around, the silent treatment doesn't feel good, but that is reality, his behaviors and actions.  The truth is, he has no right to just show up like that, no respect for you, or your boundaries, or your feelings, he most likely is their for a need of his own... . I think the stength you seek is within in you, though the time apart has been rufff, you made it 3 months without him, and you can continue without a person who doesn't treat you the way you want and would like to be treated.  For me, that's what it comes down, I may have strong feelings for someone, but if the can't provide me with the little that make the biggest difference in being in healthy and happy realtionship, it's better for both parties to move forward?  Maybe him showing up and you feeling the way you do is tied to your self-worth in way? I can see that, knowing that you were still in their thoughts or what-not, but just because people leave a relationship, or go nc doesn't mean we were not thought of.  But how you were treated and felt when this person was around is reality, the good and bad. I wish you luck if he shows up again... . this is just food for thought, and I don't think it rational, regardless of what we know another person to have to assume we know what they are thinking or what their intentions are... .