Quote (unknown)

[Fanie]

"Someone I love once gave me

a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand
that this, too, was a gift"

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

So how do you deal with such a gift?

[Fanie]

I gave this quote a lot of thinking ... .

It speaks to me in so many ways regarding my uBDw.

Things like the darkness is the PWD, she "gave the darkness" (to live with her having BPD)

when she hooked up with me 10 years ago

I mean, she knew there was something even just a tiny little bit "wrong" with her ... .

[KateCat]

American poet Mary Oliver. (Unless of course it was one of the advisors on the "Staying" board of bpdfamily.com. )

[wilsonian]

WOW... . read this and have been running through my mind... it so says how I feel so much of the time... . she is still a gift to me no matter what because I love her so much and the good days are awe so good... .

[willtimeheal]

The gift is finding out who you really are. How strong you are. What you are capable of and how truly amazing you are. Out of darkness comes light... . You just have to be brave and have the strength to push through it. At the other end you realize how amazing and special you really are. That is the gift.  Some of us find it through staying and some of us find it through leaving. Either way if you find it, embrace it.

[KateCat]

I've had thoughts similar to yours, willtimeheal, regarding this poem. The actual quotation is "Someone I loved . . ." rather than "Someone I love," so it seems to me the poet wants to retain some "flexibility," or ambiguity, regarding the present state of the relationship. Maybe emphasizing, as the advisors on this board often do, that choice always remains open for today's "stayers."

[waverider]

Without darkness, how would you recognize and appreciate light?

Without opposites how would you recognize choice?

Life would be lived by default without benchmarks to guide us, or goals to strive for.

We would not become better, nor worse, we would just exist, with no journey to travel, nor destiny to seek

[mywifecrazy]

I gave this quote a lot of thinking ... .

It speaks to me in so many ways regarding my uBDw.

Things like the darkness is the PWD, she "gave the darkness" (to live with her having BPD)

when she hooked up with me 10 years ago

I mean, she knew there was something even just a tiny little bit "wrong" with her ... .

Your post touched me!

My 18yr marriage with my uBPDxw ended on Father's Day 2013 when I caught her in bed with my friend and neighbor across the street. A lot of lies and infidelity that happened throughout our marriage were exposed after she left me and my sons (14&9) I have a lot of hatred in my heart towards her for what she has done. With the help of my education at BPD family and especially my faith in Christ I will get to the point that I just accept the fact that she is disordered and release my anger towards her so I can TRULEY forgive her.

Your post is a reminder to me of forgiveness on my part that is REQUIRED.

I wish you well in your marriage. I wish I had known about BPD before my marriage fell apart but it was not meant to be.

Sincerely MWC

PS I like your verse from Ephesians on how Husbands are to treat their wives. In defense of my uBPDxw I failed miserably in this department!

[waverider]

I gave this quote a lot of thinking ... .

It speaks to me in so many ways regarding my uBDw.

Things like the darkness is the PWD, she "gave the darkness" (to live with her having BPD)

when she hooked up with me 10 years ago

I mean, she knew there was something even just a tiny little bit "wrong" with her ... .

Your post touched me!

My 18yr marriage with my uBPDxw ended on Father's Day 2013 when I caught her in bed with my friend and neighbor across the street. A lot of lies and infidelity that happened throughout our marriage were exposed after she left me and my sons (14&9) I have a lot of hatred in my heart towards her for what she has done. With the help of my education at BPD family and especially my faith in Christ I will get to the point that I just accept the fact that she is disordered and release my anger towards her so I can TRULEY forgive her.

Your post is a reminder to me of forgiveness on my part that is REQUIRED.

I wish you well in your marriage. I wish I had known about BPD before my marriage fell apart but it was not meant to be.

Sincerely MWC

PS I like your verse from Ephesians on how Husbands are to treat their wives. In defense of my uBPDxw I failed miserably in this department!

A good example of why it is much harder to come to terms with BPD after the failure of a RS rather than trying to come to terms with it whilst you are in it, even if ultimately it still fails. Hatred is hard to overcome at a core level once it gets a grip

[Samuel S.]

When being faced with obstacles such as darkness or problems, you can relent to them thus giving up, you can deal with them hoping to make things better, or you can ignore them. Giving up when faced with darkness will only make darkness darker and not resolving anything. Doing one's best to rectify things by talking with others in this case our BPDs can help, but there are no guarantees. One can ignore the darkness completely, hoping to avoid it completely, but it's like putting your head in the sand while the rest of your body gets a sunburn.

As for us nonBPDs, we have to make the decision of fight or flight. Otherwise, our reality is totally diminished by our BPDs. It is definitely not easy at all with no guarantee whatsoever. Some of us eventually even say the H*** with it, get out of the relationship, but that can be much easier said than done when so much time, so much effort, and so much hoping for the better are involved.

[Fanie]

WOW... . read this and have been running through my mind... it so says how I feel so much of the time... . she is still a gift to me no matter what because I love her so much and the good days are awe so good... .

Yeah, we do love them so freakin much hey !

   

[Fanie]

I think us NON's must simply accept the very serious sickness

Its a brain dysfunction, probably aggravated by her parents  siblings etc.

(maybe even us! over the years)

She RECEIVED the darkness ... . and passed it on to ME by marrying me ... .

She didn't ask for the "darkness'' - I am convinced that she must be hoping,

wishing, praying that life can be "normal" for her ... .

I also think she married me because she needed someone that can be trusted

and not run away from the "darkness"

We need to be a little more (No maybe MUCH more) positive - its so easy to be absorbed

and to get depressed about our circumstances, and I sometimes do

But with the help of this family and other extensive reading, im

beginning to feel compassion for her - goodness she does not want to be like that

but don't know how to be otherwise

Take it easy on yourself, look after at yourself, go jogging, take the kids to church

enjoy life ... . God will give the comfort ... .

May God Bless my BPD Family

Fanie

      


PS. I am doing it for my kiddos (and her of course) - God forbids - I will NOT run away

(and I really think (knows) she appreciates it)

[Samuel S.]

I can't speak for every nonBPD, but in my case, my BPDw looks for the darkness while pretending to be all positive. Just to give one example. She was brought by her BPD mother. My BPDw recognizing this became so resentful and spiteful, but all the while, pretending and hoping to have a better life. She has gone through 10 years of therapy and has made some professional changes which are good for her. Yet, personally though, she carries her resentment and her spite with herself all the time. Her mother is in the hospital now and will recover after several months. My BPDw says that her mother deserves what she gets due to her negativity, but she has visited her giving some sort of moral support. Of course, like all of us, there are so many other examples, horrid one, too. Bottom line, my BPDw craves to see the weaknesses in others so that she feels better.

In the meantime, I just let her talk her insane talk, but I am proactive to help. In other words, I am positive, and she is negative unfortunately. Underneath all that darkness and negativity, there is a very hurt child.

[Fanie]

Without darkness, how would you recognize and appreciate light?

Without opposites how would you recognize choice?

Life would be lived by default without benchmarks to guide us, or goals to strive for.

We would not become better, nor worse, we would just exist, with no journey to travel, nor destiny to seek

Amen