Can't believe I'm here after all I've done :(

[MissTajo]

Hate feeling pity for myself but how blind must I have been not to see it was never going to be what I thought it would be?

I can't believe that after all I have done for this relationship, all the patience, the tears, the working out periods, the "not speaking my mind so I don't seem a crazy person" situations... . I can't believe I'm actually here.

I keep asking myself if it's not my constant insecurities that make me have this awful thoughts about him but on the other hand he just lies so much, so much , about such stupid things. I feel now that he lies about everything. I have the urge to check his email and skype all the time and what stops me is the certainty that I AM going to find proof in there that he has a different life when he is not here with me.

We have had fights where he called me paranoid and crazy and I could proof in that same moment he was lying. And even with proof in his hands he said: We'll , you made me lie.

Like it was my fault! And it's not. I'm not a bad person. I'm really not. I have my hard days but I'm caring! I'm patient! I take care of who I love with all my heart and soul. And he is tearing me apart. He is breaking me.

I can't deal with this uncertainty anymore  I can't. I feel physically sick , like trowing up all the time.

I can't take his constant need of attention anymore. I didn't mind his need for validation every single second we talked but after I realized he was not an honest person, after I realized he would never ever do anything to change (he says he does but he really doesn't) I don't that I have any more to look up to.

I can't see myself living with him. Or marrying him or God forbid having his child.

So what am I doing and why do I keep up with this... . ?

I hate that he met my family, and I met his and that we spent so much time together and had such hard times to just come to this... . Its like investing in a really promising job where you work and work and work and try so hard and one day you realize that... . You are stuck behind the same desk, with the same income... . Stupid analogy I know but my mind can't do much better at this point

[OutOfEgypt]

Well the good news is that you didn't invest as much as you could have.  Maybe that is cold comfort, but seriously... . from my experience... . once you are married and have children, it is 100 times more difficult.  You have an immensely heavy weight pressing you to stay, to wait it out, to hope against any rational hope that things will finally change around the next bend in the road.  And you feel even worse about all the years you've allegedly "wasted".

I'm not too old, but I am pushing 40, and it horrifies me thinking that I missed my 'window', even though I know rationally that is not really true.

I also lived in a relationship, in a marriage, with a partner who would capitalize on my flaws and struggles, such as my "insecurity", as a way to get the eye and blame off of her.  There was nothing irrational about my concernes and worries, given the amount of lying I had lived through.  But she was not capable of really seeing the damage done or being willing to "give up control" to help restore trust.  I was just supposed to somehow magically "see" how she was trying and doing what she could to show that she was trustworthy... . but always on her terms.  How can one re-establish trust when the betrayer dictates ALL of the terms?  It doesn't even make any sense.  I realize looking back that it is part of her inability to really face blame and guilt.

You may be insecure, but if he is like my ex, they exploit those areas in us and even act in ways toward us which make those areas worse.  And I believe they largely do it because it gives them a break, a way to unload their inner insecurities and shame onto us.  We become the pack-mule.  See... . "you're the insecure one.  you're the one with the problem, not me."  And if you suddenly stood up in confidence and swagger, listening to your perceptions and feelings with assuredness rather than self-doubt, they would crumble.  Their "confidence" is a mask, a facade built on the back of the pack-mules they designate to carry their garbage.

Look at their friends, for example.  I don't know about you... . but my ex almost never had any real long-term friends.  She would recycle friends in and out, but at any given time her friendships consisted of people who were always less attractive, less intelligent, and less classy than her.  They were (and are) often emotionally broken and regressed people, often codependent in some way.  And she would always tell me behind their backs, even after our divorce, what losers they are.  Now... . hmm... . why would a person who is allegedly so confident hang out with people she constantly compares herself to and puts down and feels superior to in her mind?  Could it be because she *needs* to surround herself with people who either are losers, or people she can make feel like losers by her behavior toward them, in order to not feel like a loser herself?

What are you doing?  You are doing the same thing many of us are doing or have done.  You can't break away.  You are enmeshed (which is what they want), but part of it has to do with your own issues.  For example, many of us describe feeling "alive" with our BPD partner... . like that even with all the craziness and drama, there is a sense in which we feel alive in being in all of that emotionalism.  And I think part of it also has to do with this sense that... . if we can just get them to love us like it once seemed they did, we would finally be someone.  They have this "stuff", this charisma and attraction-value or something, that we think would make us feel like "someone" if we got them to actually direct it all toward us, if we could actually "have" them.  Either way, I recommend finding a good T if you don't already have one.  I'm sorry for what you are going through, and I realize I am sorta rambling

[going places]

Hate feeling pity for myself but how blind must I have been not to see it was never going to be what I thought it would be?

I can't believe that after all I have done for this relationship, all the patience, the tears, the working out periods, the "not speaking my mind so I don't seem a crazy person" situations... . I can't believe I'm actually here.

Big, deep breath.

I am going to share my experiences, and MHO.

It's not 'pity' it's the extreme irritation with ones self, and the confusion and disappointment with ones self that we did not see it sooner.

It's part of the process.

ONCE you come to grips with the fact is it NOT you that has the problem, it will be so much calmer inside your head.

I was deceived for 20+ YEARS. And I am not a dummy.

Remember it is HE who deceived you.

You trusted, loved, provided real relationship.

He Deceived you.

His fault, not yours.

I keep asking myself if it's not my constant insecurities that make me have this awful thoughts about him but on the other hand he just lies so much, so much , about such stupid things. I feel now that he lies about everything. I have the urge to check his email and skype all the time and what stops me is the certainty that I AM going to find proof in there that he has a different life when he is not here with me.

My ex lied about what he had for lunch. Literally.

Lying is his native tongue.

I used to dig for proof, try to bust him... . (the last 2.5 years) but I am finally to the place (last 6 months) where I just don't care. I don't care. There is NO benefit to me to catch him lying.

So I don't care.

We have had fights where he called me paranoid and crazy and I could proof in that same moment he was lying. And even with proof in his hands he said: We'll , you made me lie.

Yep. The turn it around game.

The twist and manipulate game.

The "make you look bad" game.

I folded my hand, threw my cards on the table, and walked away from that game.

It's a losing battle.

you will NEVER win.

Stop wasting your precious life, time and energy to a losing game.

You are worth, so much more!

Like it was my fault! And it's not. I'm not a bad person. I'm really not. I have my hard days but I'm caring! I'm patient! I take care of who I love with all my heart and soul. And he is tearing me apart. He is breaking me.

that is the END GAME.

To break your soul.

To wear you down so far, you can't see up.

Run... . now. Run, and don't look back.

I can't deal with this uncertainty anymore  I can't. I feel physically sick , like trowing up all the time.

It will always be like this. It will never change.

You are worth too much to be destroyed like this.

Run.

I can't take his constant need of attention anymore. I didn't mind his need for validation every single second we talked but after I realized he was not an honest person, after I realized he would never ever do anything to change (he says he does but he really doesn't) I don't that I have any more to look up to.

If I didn't throw a parade for my ex when he put away his laundry he would sulk, pout, administer the silent treatment; then I would ask what is wrong, like 200 times, and he would say that "I just don't appreciate what he does, or I don't recognize what he does" wa wa wa wa wa.

IF all eyes are not on him ALL the time... . WOW he is truly like a 13 year old boy.

Yeah, it's soul sucking to have to cow tail, cater too, stroke and coddle all the time.

I can't see myself living with him. Or marrying him or God forbid having his child.

So what am I doing and why do I keep up with this... . ?

Addiction.

View this like an addiction.

www.amazon.com/The-Emotionally-Abused-Woman-Destructive/dp/0449906442/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1403194455&sr=8-1&keywords=emotionally+abused+woman

This book was a quick read and hit the nail on the head for me.

EXPLAINED A LOT.

And also gave me what I needed to finally walk away.

PTL for this book.

You have to break the addiction. Go thru withdrawls, but break this addiction. Don't waste your precious life... .

I hate that he met my family, and I met his and that we spent so much time together and had such hard times to just come to this... . Its like investing in a really promising job where you work and work and work and try so hard and one day you realize that... . You are stuck behind the same desk, with the same income... . Stupid analogy I know but my mind can't do much better at this point

Excellent analogy.

So as you sit behind that desk, you stew.

Your heart and mind become bitter, angry.

That begins to show in your face, voice and everything you do.

THEN no one wants to be around you... . now you're isolated.

Just you... . and the lousy cubical you are stuck in.

You begin to see life thru bitter broken jaded glasses... .

Quit that job, throw your ish in a box, and get the hades out of there.

Get out now before it destroys your soul.

You have TOO much worth, and TOO much life to throw it in the toilet.

[MissTajo]

OutOfEgypt and going places, thank you so much for your replies. They helped me a lot... . Made me think a lot... .

We were on the verge of breaking up but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I just kept thinking: What if I am the one who is imagining things and instead of helping this innocent troubled person I'm abandoning him?... .

Such a cliché I know.

I know I'm not the sick on. I do have my issues but I work on them.

We are still together but he has realized that I'm not as focused on our future as I was before. I'm now focusing on mine. Just mine. I want to continue my studies and get a career. I don't think about moving in with him, I don't want him to be the father of my children and I don't want to marry him. So... . I'm focusing on me.

He doesn't work. He will never work. He will not live in my house without bringing an income. I wouldn't have it because my money is always too tight. We will never go on vacations together because he has no money. He pays for expenses on the weekends when he is with me, and he wants to pay them, but its his mothers money... .

There is no future. But for now I don't have the heart to end it... .

[BlondeRunner]

I can't see myself living with him. Or marrying him or God forbid having his child.

So what am I doing and why do I keep up with this... . ?

Wow. Reading this was quite timely.

I literally just got an email from my best friend announcing her third pregnancy. Last time this happened I hid in the toilet at work in floods of tears because I knew I was stuck in something I wasn't happy in and couldn't see any that stuff happening for me.

Do you know what happened this time? I was fine. I calmly thought to myself "Well at least I am rid of my ex and actually in a position to meet someone decent and that'll be me one day"

[MissTajo]

Do you know what happened this time? I was fine. I calmly thought to myself "Well at least I am rid of my ex and actually in a position to meet someone decent and that'll be me one day"

I do like that thought... . My self esteem is so freaking low at this point that I keep thinking: Who would want me?

Isn't that a horrible think to say about ourselves?

[Perdita]

MissTajo, your post was like reading my own thoughts and feelings.   :'(

I know exactly what you are going through.  In that same horrible place myself.  What helped is that I recently found out quite a bit about his previous  - and only other - romantic relationship.  It made me realize that it really isn't me, it is all him.  His ex had all the exact same issues with him that I have.  He pulled all the same tricks and manipulations on her, making her feel insecure and bad to the point that she ended up seeing a therapist (which led to her leaving him; she is now happily married but he is still secretly obsessed with her).  It is hard not to take it personal though.  I do ask myself things like "why am I never good enough no matter how hard I try?".  At least now I can stop and remind myself that he is the damaged one.  It is hard not to internalize though.

You may be insecure, but if he is like my ex, they exploit those areas in us and even act in ways toward us which make those areas worse.  And I believe they largely do it because it gives them a break, a way to unload their inner insecurities and shame onto us.  We become the pack-mule.  See... . "you're the insecure one.  you're the one with the problem, not me."

This is so very true, out of Egypt.  My BPbf keeps making me out to be paranoid and insecure.  Thank goodness I finally got to the point where I did some investigation and found out that my gut feelings were 100% right.  He has accused me numerous times of imagining him being after other women and called me "paranoid" and "insecure".  I now know for an absolute fact that he is still seriously hung up on his ex (now married) whom he broke up with 4 years ago.  Also know for a fact that he does indeed have the hots for his alcoholic slut ex housemate who continues to use him financially.  I was never "paranoid" or "insecure"!  To the contrary, my instincts were 100% correct all along.  Furthermore, I now know that he manipulated his ex in the same way.  He shamelessly exploited her insecurities to the point that it drove her to seek therapy (backfired on him because it gave her the insight and strength to leave him and find happiness elsewhere).

Look at their friends, for example.  I don't know about you... . but my ex almost never had any real long-term friends.  She would recycle friends in and out, but at any given time her friendships consisted of people who were always less attractive, less intelligent, and less classy than her.  They were (and are) often emotionally broken and regressed people, often codependent in some way.

True.  My BPbf hangs out a lot with a meth user who has already lost all his teeth thanks to his habit yet continues with it.  Then there is his very sleazy ex housemate that he worships like a fool even though he knows what she is, often complains about how she uses him, but then snaps at me when I dare say anything against the thing. 

Could it be because she *needs* to surround herself with people who either are losers, or people she can make feel like losers by her behavior toward them, in order to not feel like a loser herself?

I think this is exactly it.

[MissTajo]

  Perdita

I just wish I could build myself up again. I'm not the same person I was when he met me. I was determined, upfront, I would tell him "get your ___ together" and he would appreciate it. But back then we were just friends and I didn't knew about this problem. Now I'm so used to saying that "its ok" so many times and I rarely mean it... . He has SUCH a severe OCD his T wants him to do surgery asap. I keep thinking... . If he gets surgery he will change. But will he?

I miss being me... .

[Perdita]

I miss being me... .

MissTajo, I think everyone here can relate to that.  We do lose ourselves in these relationships, but it happens in such a way that we don't realize it until we hit rock bottom.

[MissTajo]

MissTajo, I think everyone here can relate to that.  We do lose ourselves in these relationships, but it happens in such a way that we don't realize it until we hit rock bottom.

he keeps telling me: "You are still with me because you are stubborn... . One day you will realize you can do better."

But what he doesn't know is that its not stubbornness... . Is just that I'm too afraid to change... .

How is your situation now?

[going places]

Addiction keeps one coming back for more.

Once we break the addiction, we will free ourselves of the toxins and heal.

But we have to break free of the addiction.

Some wean themselves off. Some go cold turkey... . but one you have committed to breaking the addiction, you can never look back. Ever.

[MissTajo]

Addiction keeps one coming back for more.

Once we break the addiction, we will free ourselves of the toxins and heal.

But we have to break free of the addiction.

Some wean themselves off. Some go cold turkey... . but one you have committed to breaking the addiction, you can never look back. Ever.

The hardest part is to give that first step... .

“Faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the whole staircase.”

― Martin Luther King Jr.

[Perdita]

How is your situation now?

About to get a whole lot worse.

The trashy ex housemate moved out at the start of January, but will keep coming back every 2-3 months to holiday here and lives under the same roof with him when she's in town.  I get tossed aside like yesterday's garbage so he can be at her beck and call which mostly means taking her out to breakfast, lunch and dinner and basically picking up her tabs left right and center.  Of course, he is all too willing to oblige even though she honestly has NEVER done anything for him even in the least. It is very upsetting to get tossed aside for a scumbag like her when I have always been there for him through thick and thin.

Was just informed today that he will be driving back to the city in a couple of days via the tart's hometown (he is currently away on business).  This is 3 hours out his way which can only mean he is going to pick her up and bring her out here for her holiday which - surprise! surprise! - just happen to begin this week.  Of course, he never mentioned her name when he called and told me about his new planned route back to the city, but there is no other reason for him to drive out there other than to fetch her.  Obviously she snapped her fingers and he jumped as ALWAYS.

I've decided that while he spends the next few weeks with that slut, I will be hanging out with a "friend" of my own.  After all, he is just "friends" with her and it is purely coincidence that he always ends up asking for "alone time" when she's in town... .   I really must stop being so "paranoid", so "insecure" and do something about my "over active imagination", must I? 

[MissTajo]

How is your situation now?

Obviously she snapped her fingers and he jumped as ALWAYS.

Why is he so obsessed with her? What do they do when they are alone... . ? She must "give" him something in return to get him so hooked up.

Mostly: Why do you let him toss you aside?

[Perdita]

Why is he so obsessed with her? What do they do when they are alone... . ? She must "give" him something in return to get him so hooked up.

She does sexual favors for guys in return for free drinks and meals, so who knows? He insists she is "like a sister' and I am just "insecure".  Yeah right.  Guys spend tons on user/loser "sister" figures all the time.  I think not.

Mostly: Why do you let him toss you aside?

I have endlessly fought with him about the whole situation.  I did the patient and understanding thing.  Didn't work.  I did the long letter expressing my feelings about the whole matter in a non-confrontational manner.  Didn't work.  This time I have decided not to sit at home while he takes her out and buys her gifts.  I have a standing invite to lunch with a guy from my distant past, as well as an ex from years ago that recently started sending snail mail and text messages and wants to meet up again.  I'll decide what to do in the days ahead. 

This morning my bf mentioned the whole thing about going to her hometown.  I said nothing, but can add 2 + 2 and get 4.  I put calls from him on my reject list since then and will leave it like that for now.  Already one missed call and a text message later asking to talk.

[MissTajo]

This morning my bf mentioned the whole thing about going to her hometown.  I said nothing, but can add 2 + 2 and get 4.  I put calls from him on my reject list since then and will leave it like that for now.  Already one missed call and a text message later asking to talk.

So you're breaking up with him?

[Perdita]

No, not yet.  Just starting to treat him the way he treats me every time Miss Easy blows into town.  Beating him to it, basically.