feelings of violation, anger, bitterness and revenge

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I just can't let it go. I'll be doing something normal, having a drink a drink at the bar with my friends, driving on my own, and something will trigger a memory of one of her humiliating put-downs and from nowhere I'll find myself shouting out "you f****** b___". My mates are ready to have me sectioned 

Seriously though the feelings of humiliation, that I've been violated never leave me. And she just gets on with her life and gets away with it. I feel like I want to get even, need revenge before I can ever move on. Obviously I'm not going to do anything, I don't want anything more to do with her at all but it's as if I'm going to be stuck with these feelings of inferiority forever.

Even last weekend I found out that my old work colleagues (including her) all went out together for a night out. These were my friends too but not one of them contacted me to see if I wanted to go. No doubt they've swallowed her bs about me. So I'm frozen out. It should be her left out in the cold, not me.

I'm sorry for the sea of self-pity in this post but I'm so angry and resentful and bitter. I want her to suffer, to know how it feels to be belittled, made to feel stupid, worthless, insignificant. I can't let it go.

[brokenbutalive]

I just can't let it go. I'll be doing something normal, having a drink a drink at the bar with my friends, driving on my own, and something will trigger a memory of one of her humiliating put-downs and from nowhere I'll find myself shouting out "you f****** b___". My mates are ready to have me sectioned 

Seriously though the feelings of humiliation, that I've been violated never leave me. And she just gets on with her life and gets away with it. I feel like I want to get even, need revenge before I can ever move on. Obviously I'm not going to do anything, I don't want anything more to do with her at all but it's as if I'm going to be stuck with these feelings of inferiority forever.

Even last weekend I found out that my old work colleagues (including her) all went out together for a night out. These were my friends too but not one of them contacted me to see if I wanted to go. No doubt they've swallowed her bs about me. So I'm frozen out. It should be her left out in the cold, not me.

I'm sorry for the sea of self-pity in this post but I'm so angry and resentful and bitter. I want her to suffer, to know how it feels to be belittled, made to feel stupid, worthless, insignificant. I can't let it go.

[LettingGo14]

I'm sorry for the sea of self-pity in this post but I'm so angry and resentful and bitter. I want her to suffer, to know how it feels to be belittled, made to feel stupid, worthless, insignificant. I can't let it go.

Don't be sorry for the anger or resentment or self-pity.   This is a good place to work through it.   Naming the emotions takes some of the power away.   Most of us on this board have been in the exact same place.

That said, I stayed stuck for a long time because I clung to my pain and anger.   It wasn't worth it in the end.   An oft quoted saying of Buddha here:  "Anger is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die."

Here's a good resource about our anger:  Respecting our anger

[Changingman]

Amen Brother,

Broken I feel your pain, let it out. you have been violated in the most hideous ways. Feel it, let it be heard by you.

I still have some realisations of a hidden put down she had said, mine loved to say stuff that made no sense, until after the end. I realise she was humiliating me without me knowing.

Anger is good when it saves you, I suspect underneath it is fear. We need to lose it.

The truth is she is still abusing you through your own thoughts. You will work through this and trust yourself again.

She has described you as something, now take back your own life narrative and move into the future. I liked the anger when it became productive, exercise, work etc. Do something with the energy it gives you. At it's best anger is creative energy at worst fear and self destruction. Let it help save you. She has abused you and to not rage back would be wrong. Don't get involved with her again in any way. Let her play with her other victims, you are not one anymore. Lucky you

'These were my friends too'

Think about your own needs and future, if they need to go, let them go. Make sure you don't cut yourself off from people who really care about you.

Goodbye to all that.

Good Luck

[OutOfEgypt]

Hey man,

I struggle with those same thing.  Sometimes I am doing really well and feeling the wind in my sails, but then something happens and I am crippled with anger and hatred toward her.

Seriously though the feelings of humiliation, that I've been violated never leave me. And she just gets on with her life and gets away with it.

Well... . you have been violated.  We all have here.  Understandable.  And yes, they walk away and onto their "new life" like its a big party.  And that hurts.  We would love to know they are at least suffering as much as us.  It reminds me of a song called "I hope that you're unhappy."  There's a line in the song that says, "I don't want you to cry any more than I cry, just at least as much."  Well, I sometimes have feelings where I want all of the pain and anguish and hell she put me through to fall back on her head.

And I know how it goes when you see people you care about or social groups and individuals you are involved in being swallowed up in her BS.  It eats you up.  It kills you.  It is so unfair.  Can't they see?

But here's the thing.  Actually, a few things.  First, processing your anger is good.  At least you aren't still thinking everything is your fault, stuck in the haze of her perpetual abuse!  It is a sign of healing.  Work through those with a T if you aren't already.  Second, you reach a point where you must pass through your anger and let it go.  The wave comes, and you ride it out and then let it pass.  The difficulty comes when we refuse to let it pass.  We hold on.  We squeeze them in our minds.  We hate.  We obsess over how terrible they are.  And as logic and experience show us, this doesn't help us heal.  It keeps us stuck on them.  We are reserving "head space" for them in our minds, at all times.  And that really hinders us from finding a new life for ourselves.

The third thing is this... . let's say you really did get revenge... . or something bad happened to her.  You might relish the result for a second, but I wonder how much guilt you would feel for wishing her harm?  Furthermore, what would really happen?  She would be sainted.  All the people who barely know her or people she manipulates would see her as a saint, talking about and fawning over what a great and misunderstood person she is for years.  It wouldn't make it better.  It would still haunt and torment you.  In this regard, the best thing these folks can do for us is to continue to wreck others.  The longer they act as they do, while sad for others, the more our story finds vindication in the experiences of others.  I realize that this vindication must really come from within us, but you have to admit it feels good knowing that eventually everybody close to her may come to the place of not wanting anything to do with her.  In other words... . things will eventually take care of themselves.  You don't need to intervene.  You certainly aren't going to be her only victim.  I know this is morbid, but I'm being realistic.

Anyway, your anger will pass.  Keep a goal in sight.  Find a T to help you work toward that goal if you don't already have one.  I know it hurts, but you are STILL so much better off without her than with her.  Your life actually has some potential.  And believe me... . the people who matter will see what she's like, and probably already do.  People often see more than we think.  I've found that to be the case, for sure.

In the end, what is your goal?  Isn't it that you get to the place where you have your own life, insulated by contentment with yourself and your own goals in life, having peace, and though you may still be impacted by her behavior to some degree, you are so content with your life and so determined to keep your head out of the game she constantly tries to suck everybody into, that you are able to get over it and let it go quickly?

[brokenbutalive]

The third thing is this... . let's say you really did get revenge... . or something bad happened to her.  You might relish the result for a second, but I wonder how much guilt you would feel for wishing her harm?  

Actually, she lost her mother recently, She would have been devastated and I felt desperately sorry for her. A temporary truce in my mental hostility towards her as it were. But hearing about her going out with my old friends and work colleagues reignited everything.

Nevertheless thankyou all for the replies. They are all helpful and appreciated.

[lifeafter18years]

I like what OutOfEgypt wrote... . the best vindication would be what has been done to us is done to the ones that cheated on us with them if this happened in your case.  I suffer alot trying to get past this anxiety and pain that keeps coming in waves.  I still get a little mad at times when thinking of how HE is in love/lust enjoying his new toy and all happy as if he just met his SOULMATE-even though he acted this same way with me 18 years ago and continued to until 2 months ago out of the blue.  I get mad because I am lonely and wish there was someone for me to make me feel loved again, cherised, adored, happy, someone to go to movies with, shopping, maybe even some dancing, someone to hold me again, my hand, look at me with love... . I think this is why it is hard to get past alot because we are the ones left alone while they leave on immediately to enjoy their new toy and look so happy/in love.  I know I will just do myself bad by trying with someone-as I learned recently with an old friend.  That does not mean I want to be alone.  It would be easier I think to kind of move on if there was someone for us but we would probably just hurt that person/or they hurt us while we are still processing everything and be set back again... . no thanks.  My HUMILIATION has not left me for what he did to me... . I feel so violated and upset at times that I did not SEE before... .

I hope you are able to move past this eventually... . one day, hour, min, sec at a time.  I am slowly moving on but I am MOVING and that is what matters most-ME!