Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder & BPD

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This might prove a somewhat sensitive topic, so I hope I don't say anything inadvertently upsetting to anyone. 

My ex claimed (perhaps correctly) to have pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder; often starting two weeks after her last cycle, she would become distant, cruel, devaluing, withholding, would ask for "breaks," etc. She would talk about suicide as well during these times. She would seem fine at work but claim "I only push away the people closest to me." She would call it "the storm."

I was familiar with BPD, as was she, and I noted that her behavior during these periods would be somewhat borderline, with which she agreed. But then she would be "back to normal" in 2-3 weeks, and everything would be great again.

Only after the r/s ended did I realize that these "good" periods were typically filled with idealization and mirroring, and I also realized that these periods were in fact filled with plenty of devaluing and dismissiveness to which I had been blind. 

I realize now that she has BPD and that the PMDD was either a cover for this or, I think more likely, exacerbated her negative behaviors significantly.  I should have seen as red flags her comments that "PMDD wrecked my relationships" (a way of avoiding responsibility) and that she would say "I've gone to tons of doctors for this and no one can help me," even though she refused to take meds or go to therapy (she did agree to take Zoloft at one point, but then did not follow up with the doctor).  I also should have seen it as a red flag that, during the good times, she wouldn't apologize for the cruel things she said (like when she called me an "abuser" or said she "used me to stroke her ego".  I would bring these things up and she would deflect, or perhaps say "of course I don't feel that way," but never apologize.

Anyway, I'm curious to know if others have had similar experiences with their exes, that their were changes in behavior within the cycle, or that the cycle was used as an explanation for all cruel behaviors. 

[BacknthSaddle]

This might prove a somewhat sensitive topic, so I hope I don't say anything inadvertently upsetting to anyone. 

My ex claimed (perhaps correctly) to have pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder; often starting two weeks after her last cycle, she would become distant, cruel, devaluing, withholding, would ask for "breaks," etc. She would talk about suicide as well during these times. She would seem fine at work but claim "I only push away the people closest to me." She would call it "the storm."

I was familiar with BPD, as was she, and I noted that her behavior during these periods would be somewhat borderline, with which she agreed. But then she would be "back to normal" in 2-3 weeks, and everything would be great again.

Only after the r/s ended did I realize that these "good" periods were typically filled with idealization and mirroring, and I also realized that these periods were in fact filled with plenty of devaluing and dismissiveness to which I had been blind. 

I realize now that she has BPD and that the PMDD was either a cover for this or, I think more likely, exacerbated her negative behaviors significantly.  I should have seen as red flags her comments that "PMDD wrecked my relationships" (a way of avoiding responsibility) and that she would say "I've gone to tons of doctors for this and no one can help me," even though she refused to take meds or go to therapy (she did agree to take Zoloft at one point, but then did not follow up with the doctor).  I also should have seen it as a red flag that, during the good times, she wouldn't apologize for the cruel things she said (like when she called me an "abuser" or said she "used me to stroke her ego".  I would bring these things up and she would deflect, or perhaps say "of course I don't feel that way," but never apologize.

Anyway, I'm curious to know if others have had similar experiences with their exes, that their were changes in behavior within the cycle, or that the cycle was used as an explanation for all cruel behaviors. 

[antjs]

This might prove a somewhat sensitive topic, so I hope I don't say anything inadvertently upsetting to anyone. 

My ex claimed (perhaps correctly) to have pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder; often starting two weeks after her last cycle, she would become distant, cruel, devaluing, withholding, would ask for "breaks," etc. She would talk about suicide as well during these times. She would seem fine at work but claim "I only push away the people closest to me." She would call it "the storm."

I was familiar with BPD, as was she, and I noted that her behavior during these periods would be somewhat borderline, with which she agreed. But then she would be "back to normal" in 2-3 weeks, and everything would be great again.

Only after the r/s ended did I realize that these "good" periods were typically filled with idealization and mirroring, and I also realized that these periods were in fact filled with plenty of devaluing and dismissiveness to which I had been blind. 

I realize now that she has BPD and that the PMDD was either a cover for this or, I think more likely, exacerbated her negative behaviors significantly.  I should have seen as red flags her comments that "PMDD wrecked my relationships" (a way of avoiding responsibility) and that she would say "I've gone to tons of doctors for this and no one can help me," even though she refused to take meds or go to therapy (she did agree to take Zoloft at one point, but then did not follow up with the doctor).  I also should have seen it as a red flag that, during the good times, she wouldn't apologize for the cruel things she said (like when she called me an "abuser" or said she "used me to stroke her ego".  I would bring these things up and she would deflect, or perhaps say "of course I don't feel that way," but never apologize.

Anyway, I'm curious to know if others have had similar experiences with their exes, that their were changes in behavior within the cycle, or that the cycle was used as an explanation for all cruel behaviors. 

Her devaluation and cruelty would increase two days before her period came accompanied by back pain. She did not comment on this but i have noticed it. The BPD was always there but it was on steroids during these two days.

[DiamondSW]

I can honestly say that each month my BPDexgf would get more and more irritated and devaluing just before her period for 2 very simple reasons:  1)  she wasn't pregnant and 2) she wasn't pregnant because I wasn't going to marry her or have unprotected sex with her.  ... . for the simple reason that she was devaluing me and making my life a misery. 

In her culture, 6mths 'dating' equalled marriage, all my money and possiessions, and being 'kept' the rest of her life, doing no job and frankly living a high life on someone else's money and hard work.  Oh, but she would provide a child... . because in her culture, that's what women did, that was their job and nothing else.

a year on... .   she's still renting her student room in London and unemployed and living off her mummy at 31. 

I can honestly say, I've never met anyone so unsuccessful but pretending to be a success.  Oh, and the child part isn't going to happen as she's on enough medication to comatose a small rhino for depression.  She couldn't look after herself in the real world where mummy doesn't give you a cheque every month, let alone look after a child.  So in short, she offered nothing.

Hang on... . she did offer a nice burdon... . and a pretty face.

A year on I am in a happy, loving and healthy relationship... .   I come here every now and then to remind myself how lucky I am xxxx

The only pleasant thing I remember about her these days is her face and the make-up.  The rest... . you're welcome to it!  Rubbish life

[Ulysses]

I have a different experience, maybe kind-of reversed.  I never, ever had emotionally negative PMS symptoms until I married my NPD husband.  As the years progressed, I had increasingly difficult emotional symptoms.  I also got migraines almost each month that would sometimes knock me out for 2-3 days or send me to the ER.  During his affair, I hated the way I felt and my PMS short temper, and couldn't figure out why I felt so bad.  After I found out about his affair, we went to counseling.  Our marriage counselor had us read about projective identification and countertransference (only I did, my H thought it was a waste of time).  My therapist kept telling me to give his emotion back to him (husband).  Once his shockingly disgusting and abusive (as termed by 2 psychologists and 1 attorney) behavior was discovered and I had emotional support and could once again set boundaries and care for myself, my PMS symptoms vanished.  Yay!

[Lion Fire]

Without a shadow if doubt!

She even asked me to take note of her cycle.

PMT was at least 10 days.

In this phase she was volatile and extremely demanding. There would ALWAYS be an emotional meltdown, devaluation, hysterical and impulsive behaviour. The devaluation also escalated over time during PMT. Her aura was dark and she had this odd way of constantly twisting her mouth. It was a ticking time bomb at best and a raging inferno as time progressed. Without fail, there would be drama such as a breakup or conflict between us or her family.

When her period finally arrived there would be a day or so of reprieve. Then the hypochondria would kick in... . cancer scares, critical anaemia, back injuries, depression, suicide talk... the list goes on and in and on.

This would last for a week and I would have to be a full time servant to "back her up"and "meet her needs".

That means that at least half of the month was disordered and she was in full symptom levels.

I became so neurotic that I was over involved in this whole circus as well.

What a desperate life this was... . I really don't miss it at all anymore.

Thanks for the reminder :-)

[NewMom]

I have a different experience, maybe kind-of reversed.  I never, ever had emotionally negative PMS symptoms until I married my NPD husband.  As the years progressed, I had increasingly difficult emotional symptoms.  I also got migraines almost each month that would sometimes knock me out for 2-3 days or send me to the ER.  During his affair, I hated the way I felt and my PMS short temper, and couldn't figure out why I felt so bad.  After I found out about his affair, we went to counseling.  Our marriage counselor had us read about projective identification and countertransference (only I did, my H thought it was a waste of time).  My therapist kept telling me to give his emotion back to him (husband).  Once his shockingly disgusting and abusive (as termed by 2 psychologists and 1 attorney) behavior was discovered and I had emotional support and could once again set boundaries and care for myself, my PMS symptoms vanished.  Yay!

I have a similar experience.  I too suffered from PMDD AFTER getting together with my husband.  I always had severe cramps, but I was nearly always suicidal after about 10 yrs into the relationship.  Exactly two weeks before period (as my neurologist/gyn explained, the serotinin levels sink with onset of ovulation).  So I took my anti-depressents and it did get better a little bit.  After our DD was born - which coincides with dBPDh leaving - I have had NO PMDD symptoms whatsoever!  Nothing.

[BorisAcusio]

This might prove a somewhat sensitive topic, so I hope I don't say anything inadvertently upsetting to anyone.  

My ex claimed (perhaps correctly) to have pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder; often starting two weeks after her last cycle, she would become distant, cruel, devaluing, withholding, would ask for "breaks," etc. She would talk about suicide as well during these times. She would seem fine at work but claim "I only push away the people closest to me." She would call it "the storm."

I was familiar with BPD, as was she, and I noted that her behavior during these periods would be somewhat borderline, with which she agreed. But then she would be "back to normal" in 2-3 weeks, and everything would be great again.

Only after the r/s ended did I realize that these "good" periods were typically filled with idealization and mirroring, and I also realized that these periods were in fact filled with plenty of devaluing and dismissiveness to which I had been blind.  

I realize now that she has BPD and that the PMDD was either a cover for this or, I think more likely, exacerbated her negative behaviors significantly.  I should have seen as red flags her comments that "PMDD wrecked my relationships" (a way of avoiding responsibility) and that she would say "I've gone to tons of doctors for this and no one can help me," even though she refused to take meds or go to therapy (she did agree to take Zoloft at one point, but then did not follow up with the doctor).  I also should have seen it as a red flag that, during the good times, she wouldn't apologize for the cruel things she said (like when she called me an "abuser" or said she "used me to stroke her ego".  I would bring these things up and she would deflect, or perhaps say "of course I don't feel that way," but never apologize.

Anyway, I'm curious to know if others have had similar experiences with their exes, that their were changes in behavior within the cycle, or that the cycle was used as an explanation for all cruel behaviors.  

Absolutely. It was so severe that I had to keep a calendar about her cycle. Although every symptom was present, it may not qualify as PMDD. BPD is characterised by low stress tolerance, put some hormonal imbalance in picture and they wreck havoc.

[BacknthSaddle]

Absolutely. It was so severe that I had to keep a calendar about her cycle. Although every symptom was present, it may not qualify as PMDD. BPD is characterised by low stress tolerance, put some hormonal imbalance in picture and they wreck havoc.

I also had to keep a calendar.  Her cycle was irregular though, so I never knew exactly when it would end.

Your point was exactly the issue I struggled with.  Because I accepted the idea that EVERY behavioral problem exhibited was a result of hormonal imbalance, I ignored all sorts of red flags that occurred around the calendar.  Additionally, if I got frustrated with her treatment of me and spoke up about it, I would end up feeling guilty for not properly empathizing with her during her PMDD.  This of course pushed me even deeper into the FOG.  It was only after it was over that I recognized that this was just one element of a much larger problem.

Although, even if it weren't: being in a relationship with someone who is cruel and withholding for 2 weeks out of every month and who refuses to make efforts to improve does not sound particularly appealing in a vacuum.

The experiences shared by some of the women here are very interesting.  The clear difference between your cases and that of my ex is that you both made honest efforts (therapy, medication) to resolve the problem.  Mine was very clear that she had had this issue "her whole life" and that "no one could help her," although what exactly she did to seek help was not particularly clear. 

[BorisAcusio]

Absolutely. It was so severe that I had to keep a calendar about her cycle. Although every symptom was present, it may not qualify as PMDD. BPD is characterised by low stress tolerance, put some hormonal imbalance in picture and they wreck havoc.

I also had to keep a calendar.  Her cycle was irregular though, so I never knew exactly when it would end.

Your point was exactly the issue I struggled with.  Because I accepted the idea that EVERY behavioral problem exhibited was a result of hormonal imbalance, I ignored all sorts of red flags that occurred around the calendar.  Additionally, if I got frustrated with her treatment of me and spoke up about it, I would end up feeling guilty for not properly empathizing with her during her PMDD.  This of course pushed me even deeper into the FOG.  It was only after it was over that I recognized that this was just one element of a much larger problem.

Although, even if it weren't: being in a relationship with someone who is cruel and withholding for 2 weeks out of every month and who refuses to make efforts to improve does not sound particularly appealing in a vacuum.

The experiences shared by some of the women here are very interesting.  The clear difference between your cases and that of my ex is that you both made honest efforts (therapy, medication) to resolve the problem.  Mine was very clear that she had had this issue "her whole life" and that "no one could help her," although what exactly she did to seek help was not particularly clear.  

It seems to me that we pretty much followed the same path throughout and after the relationship.

They are not present as an active agent in their life, so things like these are just inevatably happening to them. Problems regarding the self can not be addressed only fixed by some external source(new supply, drugs, alcohol).

Whatever perspective we choose, they are just not fit for an adult relationship.

[BacknthSaddle]

The lack of agency is a major issue, a subtle red flag that is usually apparent early, and it probably deserves it's own thread.  In the case of my ex, yes, things were always "happening to her."  Whenever she did something cruel, it was because of PMDD.  If a relationship ended, it had nothing to do with her: it was some combination of PMDD and the other person's failings.  She was completely preoccupied with "karma" and attributed most of the negative events in her life to this (she had randomly chosen one event from her past for which she had earned "bad karma," even though she had done the same thing that earned the bad karma several times since then and saw nothing wrong with it). 

But yes: there is no agency, and thus everything is externalized, and thus there is no accountability.  And thus adult relationships are really out of the question.