Why do I miss my borderline exgf when she put me through such absolute hell?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I think this is the thing that's confusing me the most. I know how toxic the relationship was, I know I have to get away from her but I also still feel like I love her and miss her. Sometimes I wonder if I'm some sort of idiot

I've been out of the relationship from somewhere between 1 and 4 months, even that was a bit confusing with the recycling and attempted recycling.

Also why do I find myself wondering what she's doing so much of the time. I find myself wanting to know if she's with her next victim. I also know she was with him when she was with me. Am I just being jealous? I don't think so because I know I don't want her back. She actually asked me to go for coffee with her last week and I told her it was a bad idea and that we should continue to go our separate ways. There lies another story of a spectacularly hostile email exchange. :/

I just want it to stop... .In the past I'm sure I've moved on from relationships much more easily than this.

[Plonko]

I think this is the thing that's confusing me the most. I know how toxic the relationship was, I know I have to get away from her but I also still feel like I love her and miss her. Sometimes I wonder if I'm some sort of idiot

I've been out of the relationship from somewhere between 1 and 4 months, even that was a bit confusing with the recycling and attempted recycling.

Also why do I find myself wondering what she's doing so much of the time. I find myself wanting to know if she's with her next victim. I also know she was with him when she was with me. Am I just being jealous? I don't think so because I know I don't want her back. She actually asked me to go for coffee with her last week and I told her it was a bad idea and that we should continue to go our separate ways. There lies another story of a spectacularly hostile email exchange. :/

I just want it to stop... .In the past I'm sure I've moved on from relationships much more easily than this.

[Overbeck]

I could have posted this, nearly verbatim.

Much like the loss of a limb, we feel our ex-Borderline all the time. S/he was the dominant force in our life. We were consumed by them and gave everything we had to make them happy; to fix them.

I hate her. I am angry at her for the mountain of lies. I remember every awful thing she did and said. And I type these words knowing she is on my mind every single moment.

No one can accept that such a huge part of their life is not there anymore---not to start. In time, we will.

Stay strong. Avoid her. Ride out the wave.

[Plonko]

Thanks chief, you're dead right about being consumed by them. I did everything I could for her. Her life became my sole purpose at the expense of everything else, friends, hobbies, everything and all that was despite getting nothing coming back the other way. Deep down I knew I was being a mug at the time but thought it was all ok because I was doing it for the woman I loved. I'd have done anything for her. :/

I realise now though that the woman I loved was the one I hoped she could become and not the woman she actually was. I'm still struggling a bit to come to terms with that and to put a stop to what I know is that unrealistic hope.

[Confusedandhurt]

Plonko,

I know exactly how you feel, I think.  I was with my exuBPDgf for 4.5 years, before it ended about 2 years ago.  At the beginning, it was euphoric.  It then became a matter of attrition.  I could never do enough for her and it was always about her.  The end was horrific, as she simply sent me a text letting me know that she had decided to move on after I had heard little from her for a couple of weeks and wondered what was going on.  I quickly learned that she had already made plans to start dating another guy before she sent me packing via that text message.

I can tell you with certainty that few understand how horrible that feels beside those on this site.  I have spent more hours that I could count reading others' stories and supporting others who were/are hurting.  My only advice is to learn all you can about BPD and try and understand how your ex's behavior fit in a pattern that could never be what you hoped it could be.  It took me a long time to understand and accept that my ex is mentally ill, regardless of how popular she is, regardless of how attractive she is, regardless of how smart she is, and regardless of how she made me feel early on in our relationship.  It will get better!  Lean on the friends here - they won't let you down!  There are so many of us who have gone through that very dark tunnel.  I'll admit that I'm still not completely healed, but I know that it takes a long time.  However, I'm so much stronger now than I was two years ago and you'll get stronger as well as you reflect on the person you were truly with - not the person you thought you were with.

Continue to take things one day at a time.  Read these articles and learn as much as you can.  Take good care!

C&H

[Plonko]

C&H thanks for that. You are so right and another one that really understands. Thank you so much... .

When you mentioned about it being all about her that reminds me of the time I mentioned to my ex about it being all about her and I was met with such an extreme reaction to that, I was dealing with her literally screaming down the phone at me that she was going to cut her wrists and deliberately bleed to death while on the phone to me and she laughed when she said that because I didn't know where she was there was nothing I could do to stop her apart from listen to her die. I never said that to her again