Hypersensitivity to borderline-type behaviors

[claudiaduffy]

I already experienced this while working on healing from my uBPDm, but it's gotten worse this past year while being in the throes of my husband unlatching from his uBPDm. I get really hypersensitive to unhealthy behaviors coming from other moms.

This can happen a lot in social media - things people post on Facebook or articles friends send around - but it's not at all limited to that. When a friend's mom tells me that she's "just so happy to be of use again now that I have a grandchild... .my life was so empty since the kids left... .everything else matters nothing compared to this" I want to shriek at her to go check her attitude before she scars someone for life. When another friend posts that she wants her little ones to stay little forever, I want to offer to take the toddlers on a wilderness trip where they'll all learn to start campfires and gut their own fish to eat. I know that, within reason, these things they are saying are not necessarily coming from unhealth - but boy golly, am I allergic to anything that smacks of wanting to keep children from growing up, wanting to make one's life all about the Incredible Maternal Love That Nobody Understands Or Values. Even when really they just are really fond of their cute babies and really love being a mom or grandma or whatever.

Of course, there are people who I think are verging on borderline behaviors, and those ones really rub me the wrong way; they're not unhealthy enough to tip anyone off about their imbalance, but the imbalance is clear enough to anyone who has lived with a more extreme version of it. I just went on an "unfriending" spree (yay!) and severed online connections with several moms-of-friends with whom I have been on good terms, but whom I increasingly avoid and dread to see online. With at least one of them, I know she'll notice and ask her daughter (who was in my wedding and I in hers) about it, but I'm done caring. If I'm going to be able to quit overreacting to innocent and normal statements about the joys of motherhood, I need to take a break - maybe a permanent break - from the ones that are not so innocent and normal.

What are other things I can do to recognize healthy, normal maternal "gushiness" when I see it? It's not that I don't value good moms - I love seeing good, healthy mothering, and I see a lot of it around me. But if someone recommends a photographic article with the comment "Motherhood is the most beautiful thing in the world," I want to go kick things. I know WHY I feel this way... .I'd just like to do what I can to work through it so I don't have the knee-jerk   reaction so much of the time.

[Turkish]

I think it's natural to feel this way. I have a BPD mother (Waif-Hermit). Based upon my experiences with her, my Ex, and knowing of other abandoning mothers, I shake my head when I see things you talk about. It's good that you have the self-control to not respond. These are triggers to those of us with BPD moms (or dads). The hard thing is to recognize our triggers and to differentiate between what is "normal" and healthy and what is not.

I see this is a form of NC or LC. It's a good boundary, but what comes next? To not "pathologize" everything as my T suggested to me on more than one occasion? Or to accept my values, even if some of them were born out of an invalidating childhood, and hang out with a more healthy crowd either online or otherwise?

[claudiaduffy]

I see this is a form of NC or LC. It's a good boundary, but what comes next? To not "pathologize" everything as my T suggested to me on more than one occasion? Or to accept my values, even if some of them were born out of an invalidating childhood, and hang out with a more healthy crowd either online or otherwise?

I'm sorry that you understand, but it's good to be understood. 

You said it; I don't want to pathologize everything. I did recognize a distinction in my thoughts yesterday; I wasn't unfriending people because I'd determined they had a problem; I was unfriending them because I'd determined I had a problem with them unnecessarily touching my everyday life. There is no rule that says I have to allow casual interaction from people that, whether from unhealth or health, are triggers for me. And calmly and thoughtfully removing that casual interaction from my life, and choosing not to worry about their possible reaction, was a step that felt good and right. Like removing a mild allergen from my diet or something. I'm hoping this will free me a bit towards being able to handle these "allergens" when they come IRL, without overreacting to them, since I'm not putting up with them every day.

[fromheeltoheal]

the Incredible Maternal Love That Nobody Understands Or Values.

 You crack me up!

Of course, there are people who I think are verging on borderline behaviors, and those ones really rub me the wrong way; they're not unhealthy enough to tip anyone off about their imbalance, but the imbalance is clear enough to anyone who has lived with a more extreme version of it.

I say this awareness is the good news.  I went into my relationship naive and blind, and got downright screwed as a result.  I realize your 'experience' is your mother, but I say any getting close enough to a borderline to get some on ya leaves a stain, regardless.  So I'm overreacting now, as I label it, and that's OK.  I try and stay away from the clinical diagnosis, leave that for the shrinks, but bullsht is bullsht, and banishing any hint of it from the git-go is fine, in fact it's boundary creation practice.  We're finding a new normal, where there's a balance between healthy tolerance of some people's 'traits' and preservation of our own bliss; we need to overshoot to see where the line is.

You reminded me of a quote I like: "You are allowed to terminate toxic relationships.  You are allowed to walk away from people who hurt you.  You are allowed to be angry and selfish and unforgiving.  You don't owe anyone an explanation for taking care of yourself."

[claudiaduffy]

we need to overshoot to see where the line is.

This ^^^^. Yes. This is good. 

I just want to make sure I don't stay way over the line too long. ... .I think, really, what's irking me here is that I already went through that adjustment process in dealing with my own mom - and then had the year of fending off hell with my DH's mom, and now have to be patient with myself to work through it all over again.

[Rubies]

Yes, I learned examining to "pathologicalize" people was too time consuming, negative and really, none of my business.    It's there problem, not mine and I'm not going to let it become mine.  I have better things to do.

Now it's simply the question if interactions with people are positive, negative or neutral experiences.   I keep things as positive as I can, this is important to me.  I LIKE being happy.   I am NC & LC with all the BPDs and their enablers, I enforce the boundaries.  I eliminate negativity and the people it rides in on from my life without guilt.  People don't like change, I changed.  I'm glad I have a few friends supportive of my changes.  I let things idle in neutral to see where they go with new people.  I am not afraid to weed out people who are not adding to my life, nor do I feel I owe explanations.

Breathe... .In with the good air, out with the bad air.  Same with people and energies.