The saddest realisation

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

The best thing about my relationship with my exuBPD was that I realized I was lovable after all That a gorgeous fun woman did want me and even if this didn't work out, I knew I was desirable and lovable after all!

The saddest thing from the breakup if realizing this wasn't actually true. The whole thing was not what I thought it was.

We began as casual sexual partners - I had split up from a previous relationship just 4 days previously, and she leapt at the chance to get into bed! She had split from a long term relationship a month previously and I now realise needed a new victim. She was sleeping with someone else, and had cheated on her ex with him before breaking up (of course) but had fallen out with him so new supply was essential. I wasn't really ready but I was low, and couldn't say no. The second time I told her I wasn't ready for this yet, but she persevered and it happened again. This went on a few weeks until she said she wasn't looking for anything serious so I went out with a platonic female friend for the evening. She saw a photo of us out and I later discovered, responded by sleeping with someone else. The next day she asked me on a date. Turned out it was seeing this photo that made her think of that - she admitted she never actually considered us as a potential couple until she saw me with another woman. So in fact she didn't want me at all, she was just fearing losing her attachment and did what she needed to do.

We dated a few weeks but she refused to commit, refusing to label it as a relationship. After a while she said, "we aren't sleeping with anyone else though, but let's not put pressure on it." Eventually we were a couple, although there was never a decision about that, she just began talking in such terms. But her friends were not to be told, because she didn't want to hurt her ex - it was too soon. I was introduced as "a friend". All my friends had to know though. It was as if she just slowly escalated as necessary to keep me around. She limited our time together, saying she didn't want to scare me off. But now I see, she simply only wanted to see me when she needed it.

A few weeks later she said she was in love with me. Was she? Who knows? Maybe in her own way, but I think she was just reliant on me by then, emotionally. Then the nightmare began. Any women I was friends with had to be cut off, especially the one whose picture had made her ask me on a date in the first place. I gradually did stop talking to my female friends, but the jealousy simply moved into more bizarre areas - I loved the cat too much, expressed concern for a friend of a friend when told she had been assaulted. When I became sad at the sight of a sick child on the news, she burst into tears - I even cared more about someone on TV than her, she said. I didn't put her first. I didn't make her feel special. " I want a boyfriend who cares only about me." But i hadnt changed from when she said shed fallen in love. Now she had me, and was terrified of losing me before she was ready to. I made her insecure and anxious I was told repeatedly. For someone in love, she showed zero concern for my distress at her sudden rages. There was no real love - she needed me for the time being, and I loved an illusion.

I finished it many times, only to be told such amazing things - I was the most incredible guy in the world, she couldn't be without me. She had come therapy, but never really discussed it, went on meds for the rage and I thought she was making an effort and would learn to trust me and it would all work out. But the meds were to make her feel better, not me, and she made me feel guilty for making her reliant on them to put up with me.

When we split she said, it could never have worked out - she couldn't trust someone who moved on so quickly, and even though I no longer spoke to the girl who triggered her interest in the first place, the fact that I had been out with her on that day before we were even together meant we had to break up. She wanted a guy who once they noticed her, never noticed anyone else. "I could never have got over the things that happened before we were together." Turned out, I didn't stand a chance.

She made great efforts to remain friends, for a few weeks, until I realised we were friends only on her terms and stopped it. The final time we spoke she said she couldn't bear to lose me, I was the most amazing man she ever met and she still loved me and always would - she couldn't imagine being with anyone else for at least a year or two. She was in a new relationship within days of saying that, after I turned off the contact.

So I was nothing special to her - she didn't want me, she just needed an attachment for now, and did/said what it took to keep it, until she was ready to discard and substitute. I wasn't lovable after all. Maybe I clung on so long because I didn't want to know this. But now I know it, and feel such emptiness at realizing my salvation was totally false. I'm not sure where to go from that

[camuse]

The best thing about my relationship with my exuBPD was that I realized I was lovable after all That a gorgeous fun woman did want me and even if this didn't work out, I knew I was desirable and lovable after all!

The saddest thing from the breakup if realizing this wasn't actually true. The whole thing was not what I thought it was.

We began as casual sexual partners - I had split up from a previous relationship just 4 days previously, and she leapt at the chance to get into bed! She had split from a long term relationship a month previously and I now realise needed a new victim. She was sleeping with someone else, and had cheated on her ex with him before breaking up (of course) but had fallen out with him so new supply was essential. I wasn't really ready but I was low, and couldn't say no. The second time I told her I wasn't ready for this yet, but she persevered and it happened again. This went on a few weeks until she said she wasn't looking for anything serious so I went out with a platonic female friend for the evening. She saw a photo of us out and I later discovered, responded by sleeping with someone else. The next day she asked me on a date. Turned out it was seeing this photo that made her think of that - she admitted she never actually considered us as a potential couple until she saw me with another woman. So in fact she didn't want me at all, she was just fearing losing her attachment and did what she needed to do.

We dated a few weeks but she refused to commit, refusing to label it as a relationship. After a while she said, "we aren't sleeping with anyone else though, but let's not put pressure on it." Eventually we were a couple, although there was never a decision about that, she just began talking in such terms. But her friends were not to be told, because she didn't want to hurt her ex - it was too soon. I was introduced as "a friend". All my friends had to know though. It was as if she just slowly escalated as necessary to keep me around. She limited our time together, saying she didn't want to scare me off. But now I see, she simply only wanted to see me when she needed it.

A few weeks later she said she was in love with me. Was she? Who knows? Maybe in her own way, but I think she was just reliant on me by then, emotionally. Then the nightmare began. Any women I was friends with had to be cut off, especially the one whose picture had made her ask me on a date in the first place. I gradually did stop talking to my female friends, but the jealousy simply moved into more bizarre areas - I loved the cat too much, expressed concern for a friend of a friend when told she had been assaulted. When I became sad at the sight of a sick child on the news, she burst into tears - I even cared more about someone on TV than her, she said. I didn't put her first. I didn't make her feel special. " I want a boyfriend who cares only about me." But i hadnt changed from when she said shed fallen in love. Now she had me, and was terrified of losing me before she was ready to. I made her insecure and anxious I was told repeatedly. For someone in love, she showed zero concern for my distress at her sudden rages. There was no real love - she needed me for the time being, and I loved an illusion.

I finished it many times, only to be told such amazing things - I was the most incredible guy in the world, she couldn't be without me. She had come therapy, but never really discussed it, went on meds for the rage and I thought she was making an effort and would learn to trust me and it would all work out. But the meds were to make her feel better, not me, and she made me feel guilty for making her reliant on them to put up with me.

When we split she said, it could never have worked out - she couldn't trust someone who moved on so quickly, and even though I no longer spoke to the girl who triggered her interest in the first place, the fact that I had been out with her on that day before we were even together meant we had to break up. She wanted a guy who once they noticed her, never noticed anyone else. "I could never have got over the things that happened before we were together." Turned out, I didn't stand a chance.

She made great efforts to remain friends, for a few weeks, until I realised we were friends only on her terms and stopped it. The final time we spoke she said she couldn't bear to lose me, I was the most amazing man she ever met and she still loved me and always would - she couldn't imagine being with anyone else for at least a year or two. She was in a new relationship within days of saying that, after I turned off the contact.

So I was nothing special to her - she didn't want me, she just needed an attachment for now, and did/said what it took to keep it, until she was ready to discard and substitute. I wasn't lovable after all. Maybe I clung on so long because I didn't want to know this. But now I know it, and feel such emptiness at realizing my salvation was totally false. I'm not sure where to go from that

[myself]

I wasn't lovable after all.

Sorry, but this isn't true. It's seeing it through her disordered eyes.

Which brings up many more questions than conclusive answers.

Please believe this: Every single one of us is lovable. You too!

Set aside her warped take on things. Did you prove it to yourself?

If this was a 'normal' r/s, would you be proud of who and how you've been?

Her projections of how she sees herself as unlovable are not who you are.

[camuse]

Logically I'm proud. Emotionally I feel a failure. I just wanted her to feel safe and precious and love me back and I didn't manage it.

[Blimblam]

camuse I have been where you are. I sometimes go back to those ideas still in roundabout ways. It is torture though.   For me I have to remind myself that my ex has a very serious mental illness.  A part of her mental illness is when she feels something getting too close to stable deep love she fears losing it and sabatages it. She projects her own inner shame and fears onto you.  It is a reflection of her own inner pain that you have internalized.  That is how she feel deep down and she shared her pain with you.  That is what love feel like to her. It truly is tragic, you carrying around this belief is fleas.  Remember the depth of the love you had for her? That is a part of you your own reflection you projected and it is good enough for you. Your love is good enough to heal you.

[Tausk]

Hang in there Camuse:  

It hurts.  It's caustically painful to be abandoned like we are.  It feels coldly existentially empty at times. (Sorry couldn't help myself).  

And for me it's because I filled the void in myself with my attachment to the Disorder.   And when the Disorder abandoned me, all that was left was the void. It felt like I had no existence, no self, no meaning... .

But there's a way out.  And yes! YOU ARE LOVABLE!  The disorder wouldn't have been triggered otherwise.  Our exes live with a Disorder, and part of the Disorder is to find people who can love, because they can not.   The following is one of my favorite posts by 2010, who made a brief appearance earlier this year. Be well:

I just can't handle this anymore. We were supposed to be getting married next month and I feel like I can't let go of the man that I thought he was. I feel like I am barely surviving each day. My pain is so very deep that there are so many times I pray that God would just take my life. I know this sounds terrible, but I just don't feel like I will ever overcome this. I feel permanently damaged.

Why do I ache for someone that doesn't really love me and probably never did? How can I emotionally detach from this man? I feel like a drug addict that can't handle the withdrawals.

Crushed,

    My heart goes out to you on this. I think we’ve all been there. When you answer the emails and demand reasons (and apologies) for the inappropriate behavior and they don’t come- it can be devastating.

Many people who get into a relationship with idealization and mirroring can feel life affirmed in the beginning, almost as though this was a holy anointment.  And in the end, when it appears to be just a façade, it can cause such despair that one can only compare it to Hell.

The aftermath of this goes in stages; the back and forth; and having it get worse- only to spiral down and crash.  Then when you’ve crashed, you really want the pain to go away, and the only thing that you know will take that pain away is the proof that you were really loved in spite of it all, (in spite of the disorder.)  But this person can’t take away your pain when they are the cause of it and your uncertainty about that is sometimes outweighed by your hopefulness - and this is what needs to be addressed.

And at a certain point we all feel shame for not being able to “fix” the disorder.  And the more you read about addiction, the more you’ll understand that it really is about a “fix.” Uncertainty versus hope equals bargaining and denial of the dilemma can lead to toxic shame.  All of these “psychology today” terms that really stem from a spiritual wound that needs healing. There are reasons for this.

The BPD partner is really a representative of what you think will “fix” your spiritual wound.  If you have Love- you are lovable. If your love is taken away, you feel unlovable and you don’t want to live. After all, what is life *worth living* for if you were never truly loved?

So the catch-22 of all of this is that the person who said they loved you actually doesn’t understand love- they only know need.  They don’t know what stable love is- otherwise they would feel it- you would feel it and the entire World would be Glorious, but this is a disorder. You’ve got to respect that.

And the truth of the matter is that you’ve also got to intellectually understand that you fell in love with a person that has a distorted belief system that causes them to have a pattern of unstable interpersonal behavior. The behavior is triggered by you due to intimacy, and it is their wonky way of a coping mechanism for the thoughts of persecution and bondage to a punitive parent that exists in their head. Lying and impulsive behavior and anger and fear and projection are all part and parcel of the disorder. It’s not reasonable to think you are no longer loveable because of the disorder’s distorted beliefs. You are loveable. The disorder wouldn’t have been triggered otherwise.

Hopefully, you know that you are very important. Your importance means that in the aftermath of this failed love- there is still love for yourself that has to be lit from within. If it isn’t, the need to hand it over to another person for safe keeping is too much responsibility, especially for someone who is unstable. You must have self-love despite the fact that another human being appears unable to carry your love. In all likelihood, both of you had great intentions for love, but the unstable belief system guaranteed an outcome that did not support trust and faith. This is a disorder. I’m very sorry and I know it hurts.

I know you feel down right now. This is completely appropriate given the circumstances, but I’m here to tell you – you will get through this. There is a resolve inside of you that will not be extinguished. It is a flame that exists in spite of your heartache and you will keep it alive, because there are many people out there who will love you- you just need to give them a chance. Day by day, every person you meet gives you the possibility for love. The despair you feel right now- it will pass, I promise. But first, we need closure on your spiritual wound. Your despair is about a lack of closure, and this back and forth just rips the scab off. So how do we suture you up? What is the best method of closure?

For most people, closure is an action word - you take action by closing the door to someone who has hurt you- especially someone who has hurt you multiple times. And for most people, this is very hard to do. You’ve held out hope for so long and the back and forth is keeping that hope alive, but it’s also spiritually draining.

No contact is saying that you don’t want to be hurt anymore and you want (or at least attempt) a better future. The hope is something you give yourself. That’s self-preservation and self love and it’s the effort you make to keep that tiny flame alive inside of you despite the fact that another person has hurt you. You may fall off the wagon and break the no contact agreement, but it will eventually work its way through and the door will be closed. Then you must grieve.

The best you can hope for is that someday you will find peace from the aftermath (now known as an interaction rather than a relationship) An interaction with someone who needed you for the wrong reasons, (not the right ones) which supported a disordered belief system where you were assigned a role to play. You’re going to have to accept that this wasn’t supposed to be a lifelong commitment and that’s a GOOD thing you realized this sooner rather than later.

You will eventually accept that the closing of doors lead to the opening of others, and you will wistfully admire your commitment to try and love this person, while realizing the futility of your efforts and still ask yourself the hard questions about why you were willing to love in such a way that you were willing to turn against loving yourself.

It will get better. Day by day. Give it time. And please don’t ever give up. Hope you keep posting.