To stay in contact or not?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My recent exBPD of four years left to go abroad on an internship for five months, and on the exterior she's what certain BPD books call "high-functioning" (save for a few odd noticeable quirks). On the interior of our home she is half tornado/godzilla and half sunshine. Destructive and utterly sweet at almost the same time. A part of me loves a part of her still very, very, much. She recognizes she has BPD (has known for ten years) and issues that go along with it, but never sought regular help even though I begged her to get it, and even though I could see she was in an incredible amount of pain and creating more pain for those close to her (me and her somewhat estranged family).

I'm also leaving to go abroad for awhile to another part of the world, and she was hesitant to join me (though she encouraged me to apply). The problem now is that I'm receiving multiple texts a day, sometimes an hour, and it's interfering with a stressful period of my life (finishing up a thesis). She wants to be supportive, but many of the texts are now starting to be accusatory and suspicious.

I'd like to keep in touch, because when she gets lonely she has and may again self-harm. I know I can't save her, but I also know there's very little in way of support in her life. Any words of advice out there?

[rock_and_a_hard_place]

My recent exBPD of four years left to go abroad on an internship for five months, and on the exterior she's what certain BPD books call "high-functioning" (save for a few odd noticeable quirks). On the interior of our home she is half tornado/godzilla and half sunshine. Destructive and utterly sweet at almost the same time. A part of me loves a part of her still very, very, much. She recognizes she has BPD (has known for ten years) and issues that go along with it, but never sought regular help even though I begged her to get it, and even though I could see she was in an incredible amount of pain and creating more pain for those close to her (me and her somewhat estranged family).

I'm also leaving to go abroad for awhile to another part of the world, and she was hesitant to join me (though she encouraged me to apply). The problem now is that I'm receiving multiple texts a day, sometimes an hour, and it's interfering with a stressful period of my life (finishing up a thesis). She wants to be supportive, but many of the texts are now starting to be accusatory and suspicious.

I'd like to keep in touch, because when she gets lonely she has and may again self-harm. I know I can't save her, but I also know there's very little in way of support in her life. Any words of advice out there?

[Mutt]

 


Hi rock_and_a_hard_place,

I'm sorry your having a tough time I understand. There's a push / pull behavior as you described. She's nice when she's out and seems normal. Behind closed doors she's a tornado / Godzilla with periods of niceness. The "nice" periods became less frequent?

Idealization / devaluation and your getting that push / behavior in your texts. I share a similar experience and it became a "norm" for me. It was difficult to break away from it. You have a thesis and she's sending accusatory emails to stir things up. No contact will help you with completing your work and to start detaching from your ex.

The first step is always the hardest and it's going to be tough but it will lead you to a happier healthier path - taking control of our lives again. Walking on eggshells isn't a fun way to live.

[Blimblam]

since you are on the leavin board ill give you a straight answer.

remain in LC with her until you finish your thesis.  And just placate her if you can.  When you start NC you will have withdrawls like an addict.  They get bad, really bad especially if addiction runs in your family. Think of this like a crack addiction.  If I was you I would send her seemingly heartfelt texts about how wonderfull she is etc.  As soon as your done with your thesis hopefully you can have a face to face with her and really talk about the issues.  Then you will see she can not be held accountable and go NC.  Breaking NC will probably happen because you are an addict but you will pay dearly for it.  I was weak and broke NC a bunch of times and it was a huge mistake. 

Keep in mind you are addicted to an abusive person.  Just because she doesn't look like the beer belly guy in a greasy tank top waving a belt around does not make her any less dangerous.

[Mutt]

I was weak and broke NC a bunch of times and it was a huge mistake.

A lot of members share a similar experience, including myself. It's a learning curve and we need to forgive ourselves and not be hard on ourselves.

“Do it again. Play it again. Sing it again. Read it again. Write it again. Sketch it again. Rehearse it again. Run it again. Try it again.

Because again is practice, and practice is improvement, and improvement only leads to perfection." -Richelle E. Goodrich

You say you still have love for her rock_and_a_hard_place. You can choose the Undecided Board if you choose to.

[rock_and_a_hard_place]

Thanks Mutt,

I had considered going to the undecided board (and six months ago that's where I would have gone), but at present I really don't see us coming into physical contact for at least 5-6 months, plus there's a good chunk of timezones between us. I am hoping this will help me make a break (I agree with Blimblam, I am a bit of an addict). I do still have love for her (of course), I see BPD I guess the same way I would see a physical illness another organ (heart/liver) - but it's the brain, the control center. There unquestionably has been periods of abuse, and I am extremely passive with her (I hated conflict so tended to avoid, and this avoidance got worse as time went on).

I have, at the very least, made it clear (and promised my own family) that we would not get back together romantically unless she sought DBT therapy for at least a year (she has the financial resources and familial resources to do this). So for all intents and purposes, we're not getting back together for at least 1 year, 5 months - and that's a long time to wait, so I won't. She's not into social media (only in the professional sense and keeps it that way), as she views these mediums when used personally as painful (seeing other people happy - or what she thinks of as happy - reminds her she is not). So I'm hoping this will not be too painful, I'm just cringing waiting for waifish behaviour to emerge - as international settings can get lonely for even the healthiest among us. For BPDs, I imagine it kicks up a notch with additional language barriers (she doesn't speak the native language of where she is).

[Mutt]

I see BPD I guess the same way I would see a physical illness another organ (heart/liver) - but it's the brain, the control center.

I agree   At the heart of the disorder is the "core abandonment wound" - trauma. It's not about us - it's reliving trauma from the past in the here and now. I understand the addiction - I was putting her feelings in front of mine and it would soothe my anxieties.

It sounds like you have assessed your situation rock_and_a_hard_place and know what you want.