eye opener

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

You need space to heal. You are on the leaving board - you have labelled her your ex. At what stage are going to work on you? And can you work on you while you are saving her

I know I can't save her. Believe me I know it. I understand the only person I can save is me. I am in therapy and I am working on me. I should clarify to... .When I started this thread we were broken up. We have decided to work on ourselves and our relationship. I know that I am co dependent and I am working on it in therapy.

Infrared... .thank you for being so up front. You are right.  I do spend to much time worrying about her and revolving my life around her. I need to start focusing on me. Even if we are together I need to focus on me and making me healthy. That is the topic I will discuss with my therapist and really begin to focus on. Thank you for being blunt. I needed that.

[willtimeheal]

You need space to heal. You are on the leaving board - you have labelled her your ex. At what stage are going to work on you? And can you work on you while you are saving her

I know I can't save her. Believe me I know it. I understand the only person I can save is me. I am in therapy and I am working on me. I should clarify to... .When I started this thread we were broken up. We have decided to work on ourselves and our relationship. I know that I am co dependent and I am working on it in therapy.

Infrared... .thank you for being so up front. You are right.  I do spend to much time worrying about her and revolving my life around her. I need to start focusing on me. Even if we are together I need to focus on me and making me healthy. That is the topic I will discuss with my therapist and really begin to focus on. Thank you for being blunt. I needed that.

[Infared]

You need space to heal. You are on the leaving board - you have labelled her your ex. At what stage are going to work on you? And can you work on you while you are saving her

I know I can't save her. Believe me I know it. I understand the only person I can save is me. I am in therapy and I am working on me. I should clarify to... .When I started this thread we were broken up. We have decided to work on ourselves and our relationship. I know that I am co dependent and I am working on it in therapy.

Infrared... .thank you for being so up front. You are right.  I do spend to much time worrying about her and revolving my life around her. I need to start focusing on me. Even if we are together I need to focus on me and making me healthy. That is the topic I will discuss with my therapist and really begin to focus on. Thank you for being blunt. I needed that.

yeah... .the perfect ideal is to have two separate lives... .two individuals who have friends, family (when possible), likes, dislikes, hobbies, and goals... .etc.,... etc... .i.e. each person is his/her own person and basically content in life on their own... (perfect never happens... .but that is the goal)... at any rate the two people are supposed to "get to know one another first" ... .and "then see if they are compatible enough to have a relationship". Keeping sex out of it is instrumental to allow each person to focus on the other and who they are... .NOW... this was explained to me in group therapy by my therapist. It was a revelation to me! I thought the whole point of dating was to try to get into somebody's pants... and oh... yeah... .see if you like them or not. LOL!... .I really have to say... when she laid out what dating SHOULD be... .I sat there with my mouth open! ... .WOW... .that makes sense... no wonder things are not working out for me... .hmmm ... .if I get to honestly know the person and see tons-O- 's... .I can take care of me and get out of the relationship... . That would be different than looking across a room and knowing I immediately want to make babies with someone... .and then I see nothing about the person because I am on a chemical love high with a mission. That is exactly what I always did... and it was alway a tragedy in the making!

As soon as there are victims and rescues and drama and angst galore... .it ALL WRONG.  I NEVER knew that!      

If you are not happy/content in your own life yet, what business do you/I have getting into a relationship with someone else. 

When I had it laid out to me like that ... .it made a LOT of sense... .   To some people this is normal common sense... .to me it was science fiction! LOL!

[goldylamont]

I should clarify to... .When I started this thread we were broken up. We have decided to work on ourselves and our relationship. I know that I am co dependent and I am working on it in therapy.

this worries me willtimeheal. for many pwBPD, the concept of "taking time to work on myself" actually means "distancing myself from you while i pursue other interests, while keeping you in check and in line for support while i secure new love/sex supply".

I don't trust her. I can't trust her. She has given me no reason to trust her. You can't build a relationship without trust. We have no future.

since you've already established that you can't trust her, and also that she's pursued other relationships when you thought you were 'together' in the past--how is she different now? it is good that she is in therapy, but i wouldn't put your life on hold thinking that her therapy will help your relationship. it might help her in life (and this is questionable), but not necessarily help you get back with her.

are you ok with her seeing someone else while you take time and 'work on your relationship'? my ex, and many others' here, lied and told us they wanted to "work on the relationship" but in reality they were just stringing us along while hopping in bed (or trying to) with others. her therapist won't stop this from happening.

[willtimeheal]

I should clarify to... .When I started this thread we were broken up. We have decided to work on ourselves and our relationship. I know that I am co dependent and I am working on it in therapy.

this worries me willtimeheal. for many pwBPD, the concept of "taking time to work on myself" actually means "distancing myself from you while i pursue other interests, while keeping you in check and in line for support while i secure new love/sex supply".

I don't trust her. I can't trust her. She has given me no reason to trust her. You can't build a relationship without trust. We have no future.

since you've already established that you can't trust her, and also that she's pursued other relationships when you thought you were 'together' in the past--how is she different now? it is good that she is in therapy, but i wouldn't put your life on hold thinking that her therapy will help your relationship. it might help her in life (and this is questionable), but not necessarily help you get back with her.

are you ok with her seeing someone else while you take time and 'work on your relationship'? my ex, and many others' here, lied and told us they wanted to "work on the relationship" but in reality they were just stringing us along while hopping in bed (or trying to) with others. her therapist won't stop this from happening.

You raise very good points. I am aware that even though she is in therapy that doesn't mean she will end up with me. In therapy I have discussed this with my therapist and we have discussed how important it is that I continue living my life and not put my life on hold waiting for her. I don't want to miss opportunities to live because I am waiting on her. I need to heal and move forward also. So while she works on herself I am working on living my life and not waiting around for her. It is hard but I know I must do it.

We also discussed the keeping me in check part and my therapist is just as concerned. And I see it too. But I realize I am to close to it. So I do not contact her. She has to contact me. I go and spend time with friends and do the things I enjoy and I am meeting new people. I need to keep living and making opportunities for myself. My life is active. Hers is passive and I see the difference. I just have to remember it and keep pushing forward.