eye opener

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Today I got an eye opener and I do believe it is the most hurtful thing my ex BPD has ever said to me.  It also confirms to me that she is mentally ill, selfish and just plain crazy. She text me today to give me the regular bashing that I am a bad person and responsible for all her unhappiness and blah blah blah. The everyday stuff. But then she said the following and it threw me and deeply hurt... .

"I know you and why you do what you do. You take us on vacations so there is no time to fulfill promises at home."  

This stung. I realized that I have spent five years with someone who doesn't know me at all. Did it ever occur to her that I take her to the beach because that is her favorite place in the world. She has twisted my simple gift into a conspiracy theory. When it was just a gift to make her happy.

Thanks for listening.

[willtimeheal]

Today I got an eye opener and I do believe it is the most hurtful thing my ex BPD has ever said to me.  It also confirms to me that she is mentally ill, selfish and just plain crazy. She text me today to give me the regular bashing that I am a bad person and responsible for all her unhappiness and blah blah blah. The everyday stuff. But then she said the following and it threw me and deeply hurt... .

"I know you and why you do what you do. You take us on vacations so there is no time to fulfill promises at home."  

This stung. I realized that I have spent five years with someone who doesn't know me at all. Did it ever occur to her that I take her to the beach because that is her favorite place in the world. She has twisted my simple gift into a conspiracy theory. When it was just a gift to make her happy.

Thanks for listening.

[OutOfEgypt]

Good observation.  And it's probably projection, too.  I bet you $5 that she loves going to the beach because she feels like nobody has a right to expect anything from her and she can be "free".  My ex bristles severely at the idea of having obligations or expectations of her in a relationship.

[goldylamont]

just wanted to toss a little love your way willtimeheal. i understand. after being with my ex for years i felt she was someone that knew me better than anyone else--sadly, it couldn't be further from the truth. they have the uncanny ability to turn good deeds and intentions into bad things. my ex would claim that i hated her family one day, and then the next she would claim that i was conspiring with them against her. which one was true? neither, but it didn't matter. and all the accusations of me cheating on her when the thought never crossed my mind is very revealing she never understood who i was as a person.

[willtimeheal]

Thank you for your responses. It means a lot that you take the time to read and respond. She text me again and I told her that what she said about the vacations was the most hurtful thing she has ever said. She responded by saying "that is what it feels like."  I simply said I can't be with someone who will always view me as bad.

I realized that today for the first time. That is how she will always she me... as bad and negative. No matter what I do or say it will be turned into a negative thing.


She also said she would trade all the vacations for us to move forward in our relationship. I asked her how are we suppose to move forward when you are not right with you yet. She is in therapy and working on herself. She will tell me she is learning how to stand up for herself and learning how to stand on her own two feet. She also always complains our relationship should be equal as far as money. I make a lot more than her. She hammers me constantly about money. She is going back to school in the fall. Am I crazy but before we move forward shouldn't these things get worked out?  Isn't that part of moving forward?

Isn't regaining trust part of moving forward?  Last summer when we were apart she told me she got married... .she lied. It took her six months to tell me the truth that she really only got engaged. And I doubt she would have told me the truth except I caught her in the lie one day at her families house.

So today I had a harsh reality hit me in the face. I will always be viewed as bad. But as harsh as it is... .It is a necessary piece that will help me move forward with my life.  

[goldylamont]

willtimeheal, as with many pwBPD your wife wants to punish you so that you feel as horrible as she does. this is a common occurrence. be careful if you keep communicating to her--telling her that you are deeply hurt by her actions actually only feeds her to do more and justifies to her that she was right. once she realizes that what she's saying has no effect on you then she'll stop trying.

[BacknthSaddle]

"I know you and why you do what you do.""  

Good observation.  And it's probably projection, too. 

after being with my ex for years i felt she was someone that knew me better than anyone else--sadly, it couldn't be further from the truth. they have the uncanny ability to turn good deeds and intentions into bad things... .she never understood who i was as a person.

I would say that my ex had a way of making the words "I know you" the most hurtful words in the world.  It meant "you and other people think good things about you, but I'm the only one that really knows you and knows that none of those good things were true."  Of course, as OoE suggests, this is largely if all projection.  And so, as goldy adds, she didn't/doesn't really "know me" at all.  She has an image of me that is largely built on projection and splitting and has very little to do with "me" aside from a few material facts of my life (my appearance, profession, etc).

[BacknthSaddle]

telling her that you are deeply hurt by her actions actually only feeds her to do more and justifies to her that she was right. once she realizes that what she's saying has no effect on you then she'll stop trying.

This is tremendously true.  If you have established boundaries the violation of which is painful, the best way to get her to violate them is to tell her that it hurts when she does so. 

[Tausk]

Ouch Ouch and Ouch.  I understand.  It's so hard to depersonalize those types of statements.  I have to remember:

The Disorder turns what is best about ourselves against us.

The Disorder has to do this.  In the limited capacity for a full spectrum of perspectives, if we are entirely evil now, how can the Disorder comprehend our acts of kinds, devotion, and generosity?

It can't.  Simply, the Disorder can't accept that we might be both good/bad, kind/mean, and... .human.  The Disorder can not accept that an ex can be human with its hues and shades of all the colors of the rainbow.

So, it must take our acts of selflessness, and reconstruct the interpretation of those acts into evil abuse and manipulation on our part.

It's such a sad and pathetic way to live... .if you can call that living.  It's more like a terrifying nightmare of an existence.  

It hurts.  I've found that using incidents as the one you describe as further evidence of the absolute presence of the Disorder, helps me to let go in the long run.    But in the short run... .it sucks to know that all my efforts, my devotion, my energy... .was a waste, with no memory outside of myself of the intent for kindness and joy.

One possible measure of my life can be found in the knowledge and memories of my loved ones, of the love I have for them as as they live their lives.   I score a zero with the years spent with my ex.

 

[Clearmind]

Will, its projection. Maybe start to work on you rather than concentrating on what a disordered person says about you. It says more about our own self worth than anything to do with them.

[willtimeheal]

[/quote]
I would say that my ex had a way of making the words "I know you" the most hurtful words in the world.  It meant "you and other people think good things about you, but I'm the only one that really knows you and knows that none of those good things were true."  Of course, as OoE suggests, this is largely if all projection.  And so, as goldy adds, she didn't/doesn't really "know me" at all.  She has an image of me that is largely built on projection and splitting and has very little to do with "me" aside from a few material facts of my life (my appearance, profession, etc). [/quote]
This is a great point. It's true she really doesn't know me at all.  She really hasn't taken an interest in me at all throughout the relationship. The majority of the relationship has been her her her.  I just got a text from her that said "miss you"  Have to admit she has balls.

[Infared]

BPD's ruin, pervert and turn ugly wonderful deeds and gestures because they do not love themselves and therefore have no way to share in our joys and the joy of life.

[myself]

I eventually learned to see her projections for what they were, which pushed me away but also made me feel for her that she saw herself so badly. That she felt compelled to turn it against whoever was close with her. Some of what pwBPD say about us may have a ring of truth, because they're so good at seeing flaws and because we're so open with them, offering our deepest. When a light was shined on something I could change about myself, I faced and worked on it. When it was just her scapegoating me/vomiting her pain my direction, the best I could do was remove myself from the situation.

[x1985x]

I completely relate. It was ALWAYS this way with my uBPDex. They always feel like they have to build a case against you. I could never figure that out.

One day, we're exchanging loving emails, having great sex constantly, enjoying life together.

The next, I never listen to her. I control her. I'm the meanest person she knows. I'm anal. I'm too serious. I don't contribute to the relationship enough. I make a big deal out of everything. I can't relax.

A lot of projection, even more lies. She has never wanted children. Ever. She had a very hard childhood and she was always set on having no children. She currently has a 5 year birth control device implanted in her, that's how serious she was. Then, one day she just decides she wants a child. She has always wanted one. She's always expressed her desire to be a mom. I'm dragging my feet. I'm horrible. I'm wasting her time and fertility. She has told me this many times, I knew she wanted children.

On a day while fighting about this, I asked... ."well, why did you get that implant then? You knew it was a long term solution. If you wanted a child, why would you do that? Why would you have that surgery and spend that money?"

You'll be shocked to know that she couldn't answer. People who live in fantasy worlds generally can't back their claims, as they are usually built on lies and distorted views.

This is who they are. Everchanging, they can't be tied to logic. It hurts them to be exposed, they avoid it like the plague. They don't know us, they don't want to. They only want to know that we are under control. They only want the supply, nothing else.

I have seen it so many times, as we all have. You live in a fog, you wonder why you are with someone who is so detached from reality, someone who lies constantly, someone who distorts facts and details, all so that they can "win."

They aren't the victors. I know that now. I know she must have felt good manipulating me into apologies, controlling my responses with guilt and blame, or as in her case, endless tears.

They enjoy being the puppeteer. If you try to dance on your own, they will tug your strings.

It never ends. They will twist, turn, blame, avoid, rage, lie, hide, control, and abuse... .forever.

This knowledge is my source of healing. The REAL reality.

[willtimeheal]

Thanks everyone for your response and thoughts. It is comforting to know that I am not alone. It is sad how many of us have gone thru similar situations.  This morning I was thinking how sad it must be to be trapped in BPD. It would be like being trapped in a cage and clawing constantly to try to get out but never moving an inch. How exhausting. To constantly fight that battle and never make any progress.

This morning I go another rant about what trash I am. About all the broken promises and lies I told. I am by no means perfect but I am also not the monster she makes me out to be.

Then I thought about how terrifying it must be. She tells me how horrible I am in one breathe and then she misses me in another. How desperate must she be. How terrible  to live your life like that. In constant need of approval and love. But the sad thing is she has done so much damage with her words and behavior she is toxic to.My well being. So as bad as I feel for her I cannot be around her. She is poison to me.

[AlonelyOne]

"I realized that I have spent five years with someone who doesn't know me at all."

I think that's one of the hardest parts to accept. Is the realization that after years, they still don't have a clue who you are.

:-(

*sighs*

***


"I know you" the most hurtful words in the world.  It meant "you and other people think good things about you, but I'm the only one that really knows you and knows that none of those good things were true."

I think my wife has said nearly those identical words.  Even a mutual friend (with a therapist background) exclaims that we "present" so differently.

[Mr Hollande]

I just got a text from her that said "miss you"  Have to admit she has balls.

Oh yes. That's the one I've kept getting off mine since she walked from our 5 year relationship 3 months ago. I called her and she declared that she was with this new/old guy and he was the one she loved and she couldn't give a hoot about how I felt. So I walked (for good) and stayed silent. Soon enough she starts calling and messaging on FB. Always the same. "I miss you". "How are you?". Not "I'm sorry, I wish I'd handled our break up differently, you didn't deserve to be treated like that" or whatever decent thing any normal person would think of saying. Just "I miss you". As in "hey there sucker, would you like to climb on board for another miserable ride ending in me throwing you off mid air while me and my recycled drug dealer boy friend laugh at your expense?".

Lame!

[BacknthSaddle]

I just got a text from her that said "miss you"  Have to admit she has balls.

Oh yes. That's the one I've kept getting off mine since she walked from our 5 year relationship 3 months ago. I called her and she declared that she was with this new/old guy and he was the one she loved and she couldn't give a hoot about how I felt. So I walked (for good) and stayed silent. Soon enough she starts calling and messaging on FB. Always the same. "I miss you". "How are you?". Not "I'm sorry, I wish I'd handled our break up differently, you didn't deserve to be treated like that" or whatever decent thing any normal person would think of saying. Just "I miss you". As in "hey there sucker, would you like to climb on board for another miserable ride ending in me throwing you off mid air while me and my recycled drug dealer boy friend laugh at your expense?".

Lame!

Oh, many of us have been here. After I vanished for awhile, I got "I miss my best friend." This person who said she loved me more than she knew it was possible to love someone, wanted a life with me, named the kids we'd have together, etc, then dumped via text, called my a pussy, said I had a serious problem, told me to lose her number... .she just doesn't understand why i can no longer be "her best friend." Of course, what she really means is "I miss having someone that I can use as an emotional toilet, who already knows how very f****d up I am, while I  give absolutely nothing to because I'm incapable of doing so, and he'll just put up with it for some reason." Indeed, I know she's afraid that now that I'm gone, she'll ACTUALLY have to show her new men how insane she is, and then they'll be gone. I was insurance for her new relationships!

No more. What's crazy is: when it's going on, you don't even recognize that you're sacrificing your dignity. It just seems like what you're supposed to do.

[Mr Hollande]

I knew I was sacrificing my dignity but I didn't care. I was in love and in order to fix her (I know) and us I was willing to crawl through all the excrement. For me at that point it was worth it because things were going to get better. Because I was fixing her and us, right? I would have continued had she not introduced her drug dealer boyfriend out of the blue. Must be one of the very few times a drug dealer has saved someones life.  

[willtimeheal]

Some of what pwBPD say about us may have a ring of truth, because they're so good at seeing flaws and because we're so open with them, offering our deepest. When a light was shined on something I could change about myself, I faced and worked on it.

I do agree with this. And I think that is what makes us different... .we work on the things we can change. Through your our relationship I can honestly say I made a conscious effort to make changes within myself. I started therapy and I became stronger and I changed into a better person for myself. I worked Especially on the things she complained about. When I look back it was me constantly changing and her not changing at all. But she would always complain that she was changing and I was standing still.

[willtimeheal]

Sitting here today and "I know you" keeps running through my head. I have to admit it' getting to me and making me doubt myself. I wonder if she is right. Am I this wicked person that she says I am?  Deep down I know I am not. I know I am kind caring loving and generous. But why all of a sudden today this seed of doubt?  I talked a lot about it with my therapist and the therapist talked how that is the BPDs way of manipulating and playing with my head. I do understand but it just keeps circling around in my head.

Last night I cleaned out all my text messages from my ex. I was shocked to reread all the conversations and lies that were told to me. I had forgotten about so many of them. I watched her talk around everything. And I read the same accusations back then that I did the other day. And they were all ways for her to avoid her lies and deceptions.

But yet here I stand questioning myself. Figure that one out. It makes no sense.

[Mr Hollande]

It makes no sense.

It DOES make sense! She is a sick person who hurts the ones who love her. She can, to an extent, not help that. You on the other hand are not a sick person who leaves devastation wherever you touch down. All you did was love her. It's not your fault that she lacks the basic human skills to appreciate that. You've done nothing wrong. That's all there is to it really.

[willtimeheal]

Just very sad and hurt right now. Angry at myself for allowing her to do this to mis once again. Also feeling foolish for missing her and praying to hear from her.

[Mr Hollande]

Just very sad and hurt right now. Angry at myself for allowing her to do this to mis once again. Also feeling foolish for missing her and praying to hear from her.

You have been treated in an appalling way by someone you loved and trusted. Of course you are hurt and sad. It's not your fault she did what she did and you didn't deserve to be treated like that. Don't be angry with yourself. I've been where you are and I still go there at times although less and less. I'm sorry I can't say more than that.

[Infared]

Just very sad and hurt right now. Angry at myself for allowing her to do this to mis once again. Also feeling foolish for missing her and praying to hear from her.

One thing that I have to work on is forgiving myself for engaging with her. Think about the circumstances that you met under, stand back and be brutally honest with yourself. If I do that, really put aside all of the "yeah, but!"'s... .I definitely had all the information that I needed NOT to get involved with this person. Tons-O- Flags!   

So... I needed to forget her (Total NC), forgive me and work on healing. She is not going to change... .just prey on more victims. I needed to detach and get healthy.

[willtimeheal]

Infrared

I totally knew when I met her I should stay away. Everything in my gut said run!  But I ignored it and here I am today five to six years later dealing with the aftermath. Is it all bad?  No... .It forced me into therapy and to take a good hard  look at myself. I have suffered like I have never imagined but I have also grown like I have never imagined. So I guess it is a blessing and a curse  

We did talk today and agree to respect each other's space and boundaries and to allow each other to work an ourselves in therapy. The one thing that angers me is she said that I said very terrible and mean things. There was never any mention about the horrible things she said. I honestly don't think she has any recollection of anything she said. I don't feel she is capable of facing the facts that she said those things. It is like a person Witherspoon personality disorder. It is quite scary.

[seeking balance]

Sitting here today and "I know you" keeps running through my head. I have to admit it' getting to me and making me doubt myself. I wonder if she is right. Am I this wicked person that she says I am?  

What helped me when I was in your shoes was to challenge these thoughts. 

Yeah, there are some parts that are true - of course you did some things wrong... .it is called being human.  Perfection is not possible by anyone, us or them.

Sometimes by digging into that feeling - we can see where it stems from.  Where else in your life has "you" not been "enough"?  Where else have you have you had your good and bad qualities used against you?

Tausk made a valid point that can help if you really let it sink in:

The Disorder turns what is best about ourselves against us.

We did talk today and agree to respect each other's space and boundaries and to allow each other to work an ourselves in therapy.

How many versions of this talk have you had in the past and what is different this time?

[willtimeheal]

Seeking Balance

We have had this discussion in the past. What is different is time?  The only thing I can think of is she is in therapy. Do I know how this ends?  Yes I do... .we go our separate ways.

I can see as she goes through therapy and recalls her past I can see her mental illness taking over. I can see her breaking from reality more and more to cope with the past. In order to cope she has to blame someone and that someone unfortunately is me. Even with the top notch therapist she has the disorder right now is taking hold more and more to protect her from her pain of the past.

Is she a lost cause?  I hope not. At least for her sake. Even if I am discarded again which I am sure I will be. I basically already have been... .everyone deserves a chance to be happy. I learned today a little more about her from people who grew up with her. She lied according to them about somethings. Which doesn't surprise me. I don't trust her. I can't trust her. She has given me no reason to trust her. You can't build a relationship without trust. We have no future.

[willtimeheal]

So I made a decision just now. I am going to live my life. At least I am going to give it my best shot   I am sure I am going to have good days and bad days but I am going to try my hardest. I am going to try not to think about her, check FB , or my phone. I just want to get back to me.  I am going to start writing a list of the lies that were told to me over the years... .to help me remember why I am detaching. And to help me focus on the reality of the relationship ... .the fact that I was getting nothing from it.

I am not going to reach out to her. I am not going to contact her. I am just going to go out and breathe the air and smell the air and feel the sun on my face. I will talk to you guys to help keep me focused and strong.

[heartandwhole]

I am not going to reach out to her. I am not going to contact her. I am just going to go out and breathe the air and smell the air and feel the sun on my face. I will talk to you guys to help keep me focused and strong.

Do this, willtimeheal.  Do it for you.  Be present for your sweet self, treat yourself like you've always wanted to be treated. This is about YOU and always has been.  You have so much to offer, and deserve love and happiness and understanding. 

What you really, really want is accessible inside of you – that doesn't mean being alone, it means that you meet some part of yourself in every relationship, and grow from it. Let this be a catalyst for a new chapter in the book of you.

Keep going, we're here, cheering you on. 

heartandwhole

[Warpy]

I knew I was sacrificing my dignity but I didn't care. I was in love and in order to fix her (I know) and us I was willing to crawl through all the excrement. For me at that point it was worth it because things were going to get better. Because I was fixing her and us, right? I would have continued had she not introduced her drug dealer boyfriend out of the blue. Must be one of the very few times a drug dealer has saved someones life.  

I like that, Mr. H.  Roll your eyes, shake your head, and smile.  I glad I'm at that place now, for I wasn't a little while ago.