A resolution of sorts after BPD birthday disaster

[bpbreakout]

Have had a very difficult week with BPDw. Have come to a resolution of sorts.  Any general feedback or impressions would be really good on this just to help me with getting some perspective and wisdom in our relationship and where it’s really going for me. This one is a little long if that’s ok and may actually be better for staying or leaving board.

I had to have day surgery (hernia and colonscopy) done on Thu last week & all went well. BPDw’s birthday was on Sun (ie 3 days later) so in many ways a recipe for disaster. Birthday’s always difficult with BPDw and there are high expectations from me and children & often a lot of disappointment as BPDw is semi estranged from some siblings and BPDw gets very upset when family members don’t send cards etc.

I had organised a meal in a restaurant with three of her friends and husbands on the Sat night before birthday. At the back of my mind I thought  I may have to pull out or just attend for an hour or so if I was still feeling out of it from the surgery.

BPDw picked me up after surgery Thu night & was very nice. On Fri I had the day on my own.  I only saw BPDw for about 30 mins in the evening as she had to get an injection & then have nails done after work. She went out for a girlfriends birthday drinks at around seven and left me a meal to heat up for the kids which I did. I went to sleep around 10 and woke up at nearly midnight and BPDw wasn’t home so I texted her and she said sorry she would be home soon – all good I think though I did feel a bit neglected given surgery etc.

I guess all of that was ok but I did raise it next morning & said it would have been nice to have had a phone call or something just to let me know when she would be back and maybe ask how I was.  She did say sorry but she was obviously irritated & that irritated me and I asked her several times what was so annoying about making a phone call when I had been stuck at home all day recovering from surgery. Anyway that set her off and she ranted for about 15-20 mins and I ended up taking son to school sport to get out of the house.

After that there were a lot of texts from her after that including comments that I should stop feeling sorry for myself and finally to “get over myself”. I was all over the place after my operation and that final comment really set me off so I sent a txt to BPDw and her 3 girl friends saying I was unable to attend the dinner that I had organised as I had had surgery two days before and not had sufficient time to “get over myself”.  Obviously not a nice thing to do but it sort of had to come out.

Anyway that has obviously led to all kinds of problems & I didn’t go to the dinner and the actual birthday (Sun) was an absolute disaster. One good thing is that we have actually been able to listen to each others “story” and apologised to each other.

As I’m sort of past caring so have opened up about how I feel vulnerable in our marriage a part of that process, I want to see where that goes & if it has any effect on our relationship as I’m feeling like a robot after so many years of caretaking and damage control & just so over it. Also I’m genuinely sorry for the fact that her birthday was ruined. I was obviously out of order making a sarcastic comment in the sms to her and her friends but there again that doesn’t mean that I feel 100% responsible as there are any number of ways she could have responded rather than make things worse.

After all this I’m feeling left hanging in the air on a few fronts.  If exactly the same set of circumstances happened again apparently it would be up to me to explain to BPDw in advance that I would appreciate a phone call from her to see how I am and check to see when she is coming home. Apparently she can’t help being selfish and enjoys kicking up her heels with the girls and it’s me that needs to find out what she’s up to despite the fact that me raising this issue is obviously a trigger for her as it seems to make her feel controlled. Also apparently it’s up to me to explain to her that I’m not feeling 100% two days after surgery (doh!), if I had done this apparently I wouldn’t have got a message to get over myself and none of this would have happened. Finally apparently made a point of mentioning she was approached by a good looking guy in the restaurant on the Sat night and is told me several times she is not going to be in the marriage much longer – well thanks a lot.

BPDw has had a difficult time, she has had some horrible FFO issues to deal with and with depression and bipolar thrown into the mix. After a very difficult few years she has a new psych, a realistic diagnosis, a new full time job which she is very good at and some great hobbies – things are looking up for her & I’m genuinely happy for her. I have stuck by her through all the **** times.

I want to remind her that actually I occasionally get approached by attractive women and actually if we split up I have a good job and I’d be reasonably well off, I’m ok looking, I keep myself fit, I’m quite a together kind of person (I’ve had to be to get this far) and I wouldn’t have to do much for her other than contribute to child support and 50% custody of kids is realistic (I’ve checked it out with a lawyer), I would probably have better relationship with my kids

I’ve read quite a few articles about women who have been married to selfish career guys, mentally ill or both who are same age as me who are leaving their husbands and looking for some personal growth. They sound quite attractive to me, I’d like to be with someone who wants that & share it.

It goes against the grain for me to do it & it really comes across as a kind of threat "without me you are nothing", but I really feel like “socking it to her” as in giving her a very strong reminder - I’m sick of feeling like an afterthought in our relationship.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[123Phoebe]

I’ve read quite a few articles about women who have been married to selfish career guys, mentally ill or both who are same age as me who are leaving their husbands and looking for some personal growth. They sound quite attractive to me, I’d like to be with someone who wants that & share it.

Hey BPDbreakout,

It seems (from what you've said here, looking at it from her perspective) that you're already married to this attractive sounding woman  

I get your point, you were at a low spot after surgery and could've used a little extra TLC.  I've had to take ownership for my part in my passive-aggressive ways, without justifying it.  What's good for the goose isn't always what's good for the gander.

Being in a relationship with a pwBPD means (for me) having to state my needs clearly time and time again.  Can it be frustrating?  You betcha!  Have I had to accept that in order to get my needs met it will be this way from time to time?  Mm hmm. 

Threats, ultimatums, surly controlling attitudes, resentment are all relationship killers.  Eliminating these things from my life has cleared a path forward, regardless of what he does.  It's what I do and how I conduct my life that has helped to build trust in the relationship.

We are the emotional leaders!  We have to be, they have BPD.

I hope this is just another bump in the road for you and your family.

[bpbreakout]

Thanks Pheobe, I always appreciate your feedback. You are right in a lot of ways that I may already be married to this woman though I'd like to think she hasn't been married to someone who is selfish or mentally ill as the type of guys I had in mind 

Looking back on the last few days I'm sorry about BPDw's birthday though I don't think it was totall ruined by any means. I also think it was good for me to have a dummy spit and good in many ways to let other people aware that a line had been crossed for me, it's not something I have really done before and it feels better than bottling it up and feeling like no one understands me.

I'm sure someone somewhere has a theory on this but I do feel as if I'm moving into the final stages of a re-alignment in our relationship and I'm open as to where it might end up. A lot of the issues over the past few months have been about drawing a line in the sand about behaviours which I just cannot put up with any more but have so up until now due to children, mortgage, jobs, FOO etc. I have also been trying to do a few more things for myself which helps affirm me as a person in my own right rather than just a caretaker and provider. The final stage (for me) is what I want out of this relationship and how I go about articulating it and actually getting it (it's definately something I have trouble with). Of course I have to start giving more than I have over the last 6-12 months.

I think you are right in a lot of ways about emotional leadership through my line in the sand means BPDw will have to do some work with this and I think she is quite capable of doing it. I'm human and there are times I need genuine compassion and support in my life and I don't want to have to join all the dots which is what this "disaster" weekend was all about for me.

I think you are right about the ultimatums which is me feeling angry about being on the receiving end. It does make me feel vulnerable and rejected and that BPDw holds all the cards, I wonder if she has been unfaithfull. I'm inclined to be open with her about it and if she responds by using it to her advantage I guess I'm better off out of the relationship.

Thanks again, hope your journey is going well