Pro's and Con's of Facebook Blocking

[Tater tot]

Thoughts on Facebook blocking? I'm tired of obsessiving over every comment and like on my exuBPD's facebook page. Tired of trying to pinpoint which person he's targeted as his next "supply". I've decided to Block him to try and prevent my actions (which I know I need to evaluate and assess why I care in the first place and can't just stop looking). In a NC thread someone mentioned that by Blocking on Facebook, that's showing interest (i.e. we don't want them to us or we see them), as opposed to being indifferent. Not sure if that makes sense.

[Harri]

Hi Tater.  if blocking will help you to not obsess I say do what is right for you and forget whatever your ex may read into it.  Put yourself first.     There is an option of checking 'unfollow' on his page as well.  I think that will prevent him from showing up in your feed, but it will do nothing if you choose to visit his page. 

[elessar]

I cannot think of a single Con for blocking them on FB. I haven't blocked mine because I don't even want to visit her page to click that button. But as I said in other thread, the pain of looking is not worth the curiosity. I am now on Day 16 of not checking up on her, and I don't foresee myself doing it for a very long time. Because I know for a fact only pain lies on the other side.

[Suspicious1]

Yes, I'm sure it can be seen as evidence of interest, and frankly I'd agree in most cases. After all, if you were indifferent you probably wouldn't feel the need to block, unless you were being harassed. However, your recovery is about you and what you need, rather than worrying what others will read into it.

I did block my ex and I'm glad I did. For preventing profile stalking it's pointless as his profile is private as is mine. But at the same time I know it's his preferred contact method (the messenger thing) and if I block him he won't be able to use it, which buys me time. He's so technologically inept anyway he won't work out I've blocked him, he'll assume I've deactivated my profile if he can't find me.

Anyway, it soothes me to know that I don't exist online to him. He can't see even my profile picture. He's probably not looking, but the fact that I've removed myself from his line of vision makes me feel more in control. Daft, but true.

[freedom33]

Defriend him. That's what I did with my ex. I actually did it while we were still together. She would do things to provoke me, make me feel jealous and then one day I just defriended her. I had to protect myself.

I felt so good, being empowered afer doing it combined with, what I have to admit was a hint of revenge.  You see fb was too important to her. She was using fb to try show to her friends that she was having a normal (at last) couple life with me, which wasn't true. I was used as an actor to fit her script. It was all a big show with her.

She would exclaim her love to me in different ways in fb while she would have abused me a few hours before over the phone. NOT MAKING SENSE at all (I am going off topic here but can't help myself sorry!). When I defriended her she must have felt such a shame her status going from 'in a relationship' to 'single'. She became furious! She never forgave me for that and used to bring it up all the time the remaining 8 months the rs lasted.

After I defriended her she blocked me - hehehehe.

Defriend! Block! Whatever works for you! Whatever makes you feel good

[Skip]

I felt so good, being empowered afer doing it combined with, what I have to admit was a hint of revenge.  

Many members have this thought (freedom33 is far from alone) and this is what is meant by "no Contact" actually being contact - its messaging.  The fact is, many member even go NC to send a message.

The question is two-fold.  Isn't this message one of immaturity and pettiness.  :)o we want to invest ourselves in the "attachment" that doing this generates.

There is an option of checking 'unfollow' on his page as well.  I think that will prevent him from showing up in your feed, but it will do nothing if you choose to visit his page.  

'Unfollow' is pretty stealth - no messaging there - ends the exposure.  Sounds like a good move.

[Mr Hollande]

I decided not to block her for two reasons. Firstly I want her to see my awesome life and how it goes on without her as if nothing had happened. Not once have I resorted to any broken hearted emo baloney there. It's all "here I am chilling with the boys at my local", "good gosh what a hot day it was at the beach today", "gee what a great gig this was", "check the scenery in this spot of outstanding natural beauty" etc. Secondly, blocking her would be acknowledging that she matters and I am not going to grant her that. We are not FB friends so I can't see what goes on on her wall and I haven't even visited her account in at least a month. Somehow I just mustered the strength to not go there anymore. She on the other hand has sent several PM's about missing me and other such common BPD nonsense. All her messages remain unopened. FB has been a tool in the staring contest I invited her to when she left and she keeps blinking. She even confessed to FB now being her only means of "staying in touch with me and my life" last time she called. I see repeated here how the illness always wins and I don't disagree but FB is one battle arena where I keep winning. For now at least.

FB, IMO, is a double edged sword. Your BPD ex plays mind games on there? Well so can you. If indifference is what stings them the most then FB is a good place to show it. As such it's an excellent weapon at our disposal.

[enlighten me]

I blocked my ex wife and still have. I miss some photos she puts on of my boys but that's the only con with her.

With my exgf Im waiting for the right time as she will only communicate through FB. Once she has her new supply(if not already) then I can say that I don't think its appropriate and can we communicate by emails. That way she gets to hide from me and I get rid of all of her annoying posts.

It has been interesting for me not blocking her though. Its helped me not get sucked back in to feeling sorry for her when she says how skint she is as I know when she has been going out and if she can afford to do that then she can afford to eat.

[StayOrLeave15]

I blocked my exBPDgf every which way.  We met online, so there were no mutual friends between us beforehand.  That said, I blocked every single person that I had met through her and had added me on FB or Instagram. 

I am firmly committed to NC and I know myself.  If I know she is looking, I will drop bait out there for her, e.g., pictures of me with other girls or if I'm traveling showing off that I'm in other countries.  And she will do the same.  Post pictures with guys and put status updates or comments to provoke me. 

I guess the key is knowing yourself.  When she was calling me nonstop (50 times in one night) I felt like pressing ":)ecline" rather than letting it ring until voicemail was essentially "contacting" her by rejecting her.  But blocking on FB is a one-time thing and I think in the end it is a Pro in NC rather than a Con.  Leaving that door open just allows the possibility of them back in your life, and if you are firmly committed to having them out then you want to close that door.

[freedom33]

I am firmly committed to NC and I know myself.  If I know she is looking, I will drop bait out there for her, e.g., pictures of me with other girls or if I'm traveling showing off that I'm in other countries.  And she will do the same.  Post pictures with guys and put status updates or comments to provoke me.  

That was my thinking too in my fb strategy. She 'd do things to provoke me and this would basically put me in more risk for relapsing. I know mysef. The best thing for me was to defriend her and stop these silly fb wars. So in that sense yes it is a pro for NC. When you are an alcoholic it's better if there is no bar in the horizon for 100s of miles.

[Tater tot]

I appreciate all the feedback and thoughts around this. Due to me saying something that left my exuBPD feel like I disrespected him, he defriended me so I can't unfollow him. Unfortunately his page is pretty open so I can see all of his activity. I hate that it's come to this where I feel like it is petty and childish to block him, and frustrated at myself that I don't have the strengthen and resolve right now to not look. Blocking reduces the time I'm obsessing over every "new friend" and every interaction with other girls, wondering if she is his next target. I've also seen things that have elicited my sympathy only to reach out to him and be met with ST. Hopefully one day I just won't care and it will be a moot point.

[Pingo]

My ex isn't on fb (Thanks God) but I had all his family on my fb and it was hard to see their posts and family pics, etc yet I kept them on there because I was still obsessing over him.  So the other day I got up the guts and went in and deleted his entire family!  It was really hard but truly a relief.  I can now go on fb and not worry about what I might see that will be a trigger.  

[StayOrLeave15]

I appreciate all the feedback and thoughts around this. Due to me saying something that left my exuBPD feel like I disrespected him, he defriended me so I can't unfollow him. Unfortunately his page is pretty open so I can see all of his activity. I hate that it's come to this where I feel like it is petty and childish to block him, and frustrated at myself that I don't have the strengthen and resolve right now to not look. Blocking reduces the time I'm obsessing over every "new friend" and every interaction with other girls, wondering if she is his next target. I've also seen things that have elicited my sympathy only to reach out to him and be met with ST. Hopefully one day I just won't care and it will be a moot point.

I've decided to respond a bit more firmly.  There is no question.  BLOCK HIM.  Looking at it might feel good in the short run but it hurts you in the big picture.  Be like Pingo, and like me, and like many others and JUST DO IT.

[Skip]

Blocking reduces the time I'm obsessing over every "new friend" and every interaction with other girls, wondering if she is his next target. I've also seen things that have elicited my sympathy only to reach out to him and be met with ST. Hopefully one day I just won't care and it will be a moot point.

If you're reading his page and can't let go - and anyone can get into that level of anxiety -  then close the door.

You're asking the right questions. Weighing the options.  It's not about spite for you - that's clear.

It sounds like its the right thing for you right now.

[Dutched]

I blocked ex to protect myself in 2 ways.

= not giving me the opportunity and temptation to keep track on her

= absolutely not giving ex any opportunity to have a peek. After all in a blink of an eye a 30+ years r/s I wasn’t lovable anymore. 

So I blocked her immediately after she left. Must admit that there was e-mail contact because of matters to be solved and involving my kids.

I am using FB only for staying in contact with family. As you can imagine after a long r/s, exBPDw had some of mine family members as friend too.

In order to protect myself I took several precautions (as hard as it may seems to FB-friends)

General:

= I blocked my visibility, my postings and visibility of my friends for others

= can’t be found by Google, etc.

= blocked all her family members (which were no friends) just as precaution

= blocked several persons in our community and her social circle, of whom I knew they (could) have contact with her (all as precaution)

Specific:

I composed and posted a text on my page in which I made very clear:

= that I needed to protect myself therefore my reactions were limited as from now on.

= that I respected their choice to remain in contact (because of all these years)

= would very appreciate not to post any pictures as from now on with me on it.

Family/friends phoned me telling me to understand and respect my request.

It worked out perfectly with my family/friends.

The once mutual friends, I still have and do not have any contact with ex anymore.

The result? Nor ex, nor others in her circle know anything about me.

The result? Ex and her family couldn’t manage their desperate curiosity. So ex and her sister recently visited my my Linkedin profile (which has very limited exposure). However as stupid as they are, they logged on to their account, enabling me to see who recently visited mine.

And for that purpose I broke NC…  I mailed ex and her sister, incl. the screenshots of their visit “just” asking for the reason why they couldn’t control their desperate curiosity. No answer expected or received. 

Blocking is to protect yourself, as I see it.

[Springle]

I felt so good, being empowered afer doing it combined with, what I have to admit was a hint of revenge.  You see fb was too important to her. She was using fb to try show to her friends that she was having a normal (at last) couple life with me, which wasn't true. I was used as an actor to fit her script. It was all a big show with her.

She would exclaim her love to me in different ways in fb while she would have abused me a few hours before over the phone. NOT MAKING SENSE at all (I am going off topic here but can't help myself sorry!). When I defriended her she must have felt such a shame her status going from 'in a relationship' to 'single'. She became furious! She never forgave me for that and used to bring it up all the time the remaining 8 months the rs lasted.

I never even thought about this possibility; it's really interesting. FB is a funny thing, as they say, you're comparing your behind the scenes to another's highlights reel; you can exude any version of you you like on there and cull the rest.

My ex (non) has been deactivating and re-activating his FB since Christmas and I have to confess I have noticed, AND noticed his new gf (pwBPD) is in very few pictures (at least that he shares publically), apparently she has him in almost all of hers, she blocked me but a friend told me. I found this all very unnerving, the deactivations were very unlike him, he is actually a bit of a FB addict but not someone who keeps it all serious and private. Since his last return he appears to have had no updates since... .May? Maybe April? Been trying to work out if they are over, I hope so.

But yes, what I'm saying is that theirs, or at least hers, always seemed very nicey-nicey-all-roses with their relationship which I feel I can suppose is not the case considering the way she can be.

[hope2727]

Yes block block block. It is unhealthy to obsess about anything in life least of all someone who doesn't treat you right.

Mine freaked out and days later went away with another woman for the weekend then came home and posted pictures of said trip for 24 hours then unfriended me. That was it for me. BLOCK!

It is just another means of controlling us. Of either punishing us or looking grandly loving to all their friends. I would always get "you are so lucky that he treats you so amazingly" yeah right. Right up until the 5 hour rage the night prior to a major 8 AM exam or as I am walking out the door to work or something.

Facebook was just another sans of keeping me hooked.

Do I miss him? Yes. Do I love him? Absolutely. Would I like to spend my life with him still? Yes if he was well. Not if I have to endure more or the roller coaster.

[Recooperating]

Block, block, block! There is a youtube video I watch about BPD's and npd's "abusing" social media. How they use the information from your FB in court and how they can really damage you! They give examples and true stories about how social media was abused by BPD's and I was shocked! Block, block, block or disapear all together! Thats what I did now... .

[SpringInMyStep]

Unfriending and blocking my wife on FB was one of the first things I did when she moved out. She doesn't post much, but I definitely did not want her following everything I did. And maybe the extra punch of not letting her see pics of my dog and cats, whom she got very attached to. She doesn't get to see that anymore.

It felt very empowering to block her from FB and delete her from all of my other social networking sites.

[Lolster]

I never had my ex on my friends list on fb.  I probably only started using fb after we went our separate ways the first time around.  My profile is quite private anyway and most information cannot be viewed by anyone not on my friends list.

However, around a year ago I started to do some charity work which quite often involves messaging people who are not on my friends list, and buying/selling small items on local fb pages.  I therefore needed to adjust the settings for people to be able to message me who were not on my friends list.

This was how my ex contacted me again, six years later.  How often was he trying?  I did later find out that he'd sent me hate email (which I never got as he was already blocked on my email).  The fb message was a whiny apology (only he didn't say at the time what he was apologising for so I assumed it was for previous bad behaviour, how silly of me, ).

So for me, blocking him made sense.  Not because I still have any interest in him and want him to know I'm mad at him, just because I don't want to have to even preview his vitriol and self pity every time I open up fb messenger.  I would think that keeping it open for him to message me and not responding would make him more angry/upset/whatever and would be playing a childish game in return.  Why bother?

[Turkish]

I blocked mine three months before she moved out. It took her two weeks to figure it out since she noticed that she stopped seeing me post pics of the kids, most likely.

"So you blocked me on FB?"

"Yes."

She stared off to the side mulling over the implications.

End of conversation.

I was tired of seeing her post foolish, immature, FB memes which were a not-so-subtle smear campaign directed towards me, as she was seeking validation publicly for her cheating and leaving. She was living in my house expense free, though she did keep paying for the kids' childcare until she moved out and then we split it, as per the law. I did it for me, to lessen me being triggered while we just conducted "business" in the home regarding the kids, mostly, and some conversations on her timeline on moving out and custody discussions. I also told friends to not tell me what they see on her page. I'm still FB "friends" with many of her family. I know she checks my page occasionally through family members. I have nothing to hide, that that is her business. My business is continuing to detach and focusing on my life, and what I see now as a business-like arrangement co-parenting. I'll never unblock her.

[SC91]

Block it. Doesn't need to considerate what your ex think or if it will provoke her to do revenge/more crazy drama acts ... .Because you never know what they will do in next step, or plan long time, if they are persistent. You just have to deal with every step of their action step by step, until they find another interesting thing they hook onto.

I made a mistake of thinking too much with one BPD i encountered. I fear of her revenge, fear of more drama acts, I analyse how she felt so I can be one step ahead, I thought of a long term strategy to have a positive solution outcome etc etc. all waste time becos these ppl wont think in long time, they only act impulse. No matter what you do or not do, they can always imagine and then create something out of the blue.