When do I tell him I'm leaving?

[ciel]

I'm done with this, totally and completely done.  He knows I've been unhappy and am done with trying to make things work... .haven't slept together in 6 months, barely talk to eachother except about our daughter.  I've told him I want to separate, but it never seems to sink in, probably because I'm still here.

My therapist thinks he's just waiting for me to make a move so that he can play the victim with his family, blamimg me or the some supposed boyfriend (jealousy is a huge issue for him) or my therapist for the end of the marriage.

There are times his rages and lack of control, along with his wild accusations of infidelity, give me a real fear that he might hurt me.  However, this may just be my overactive imagination, I don't know.

So I'm looking for an apartment.  He's on the lease at the place where we are now, which is expensive.  My sense of human decency tells me to at least let him know I'm looking for an apartment and once I find one, I'm out, so that he can put in his six month notice on our place, since it is expensive and he's not working very much right now.  I know he'll go back to living with his father when we split.  However, I'm afraid of what might happen once he knows I'm leaving... .especially if it could be a couple months before I'm able to make a move.

Feeling rather confused.  If this were a normal relationship, of course I'd give him fair warning... .but this is not normal?  Will telling him at the last minute make him even more enraged, or will telling him now only prolong the agony of abandonment for him?

[Mutt]

Hi ciel82,

I'm sorry to hear about you are going through. I understand it can feel like you are living with a roommate and not a partner. It's hurtful and feels helpless. Safety First! if there's a chance.

Safety First

This article has some good strategies with leaving a partner with BPD. I can't offer much advice because mine left me, but I triggered her fear of abandonment when I said I want a divorce. If he suspects real or imagined abandonment, it is very difficult when you are split black.

Leaving A Partner with Borderline Personality

[Lucky Jim]

Hey ciel, I'm sorry to hear about your situation.  I agree w/Mutt; the first priority is your safety.  There's no easy answer, but I would probably be more inclined to wait until I found a place before discussing with my SO, if I were in your shoes.  In fact, I was in your shoes and that's what I did!  I wouldn't worry too much about your "sense of human decency," because in my view normal behavior has limited applicability in the context of BPD.  You can't reason with something unreasonable, in my experience.  You're in a tight spot, yet I think you are making the right decision, from what you describe.  Lucky Jim

[ciel]

Thanks. 

So glad I suppressed the urge to say something yesterday, as a few hours later he started in, accusing me of letting some imagined lover borrow my vehicle after he didn't find it parked where he expected it to be, followed up with forcing me to listen to him reading from "The five love languages" this morning to teach me how I'm failing to meet his needs and to support him, that his terrible self-esteem is my fault.  Because the book actually does say that a spouse is responsible for their partner's self-esteem and success in the workplace.  What the heck?

He read a passage about the need for forgiveness, how when a spouse asks for pardon, it must be given.  I pointed out that even the book says that forgiveness requires recognition of what one did that was wrong and sincere sorrow for having caused hurt.  I've been forgiving without either of those for years and years now, and it's not working.  But he says that it's my job to show him what is wrong in his behaviour.  He cannot see anything that he has done that would require forgiveness.  It is my responsibility to show him what he did that was wrong so that he can ask forgiveness... .ugh. 

Because when you go to confession, the priest says: "Hello.  You jerked off a lot, hit your wife, and didn't go to Mass last Sunday.  It's cool, God forvies you, you can go."

This is crazymaking stuff.

I'm so glad I can see through it and am taking steps to end this.  I have to put my guilt aside for a bit until I get a safe place set up for me and my daughter.