New member/21 year old son bps

[Rjct407]

Hi to all

I am a new member. My 21 yo son has BPD. I have had to do some tough love of late. Makes me very sad. I also have a 15 yo son who I have to protect. My husband died tragically two and a half years ago, so having to deal on my own.

My son has been misdiagnosed for years. It was not until I sent him to an outdoor wilderness therapy program where he was diagnosed with BPD. Now all his behaviors make sense under this diagnosis.

What pains me now is how sad I feel. He hates me and his brother and of course we are at fault as far as he is concerned. I can not have him in our life. He is too toxic. I have been told that I have to move on, protect my other son, and my BPD son must be kept at arms length. He has manipulated me for years. I am working on "getting him out of my head" to the best degree I can, but never will be able to entirely, as he is my son and I love him. But, he cares little for his mom and brother.

Thanks for listening

Rjct407

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[NorthernGirl]

Hello Rjct407 and welcome to our community 

What a difficult time you've had.    I'm so sorry to hear you have had to deal with the tragic death of your husband and are now dealing with the BPD diagnosis of your son. I imagine this combination of events has taken its toll on you. I'm glad you've found our site to help you learn more about BPD.

I've learned that when a child suffers from BPD (even an adult child), not only is he unhappy and unhealthy, but often so is everyone who loves him. BPD tends to create drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. I suggest you read this article to start: What can a parent do?. I also suggest you read and post on the Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD board. You'll connect with members who are parents like you and who have been on the journey a little while so can give you some tips and advice.

How is your 15 year old doing? Do you have other family or friends you can turn to for support? Or a counselor?

Please keep posting and let us know what you'd like to learn more about and how you are doing. We're here to help where we can.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, Rjct407, and 

Wow, it sounds like you have been through a lot. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your husband and that you have had to make the difficult decision to end contact with your older son as well. That must be stressful and overwhelming to say the least! You are in a good place to find support, as we have many members who can understand the difficulties you are facing and can point you to tools to help you get through them. You are not alone.

The Parenting board that NorthernGirl has suggested will be a great place to meet other parents. She also has some good questions for you--how are you looking after yourself? We will look forward to hearing back from you.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[wildchild]

Hello,  I just joined today as well for the same reason.  My son is 22.  I love him so much but he too is toxic and I had to show him the door this past week.  I cried for 5 days straight and was forced to doc for meds. Today for the first time have been able to function.  As bad as he is I can't bare life with out him.  I decided today to fix my make up and find a solution on how to deal with my broken heart.  I started reading this site and was hoping to find others that understand. For me it is hard because he is not just a bad kid, he has a disordered and I feel I have failed him some how by kicking him out.  I am ready to separate myself emotional and and be an anchor for him not an enabler.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Rjct407 & I'd like to join NorthernGirl and P.F.Change in welcoming you to this site... .I'm very sorry for all the trauma you have been going through with your son, and added to the pain of losing your Husband in the not too distant past, this has got to be such an almost unbearable situation 

I can certainly understand your desire to detach from your son to end the pain of his estrangement from you, but I also know that it isn't easy for a mother to give up on her child... .We've all been there, Rjct407, and we do all understand. I'd like to suggest that you check out the links to the right-hand side of this page; there is a lot of information there to help ease your mind and to give you comfort and ideas on how best to proceed for your own well-being... .

I'd also like to welcome you, too, wildchild. I'm glad to see that you also found the Parenting Board, and I would also like to give you the same suggestion that I gave to Rjct407 to check out the links to the right-hand side of this page.

I found with my own son (now 37) who was diagnosed with BPD in 2013, until I was able to disentangle myself from his BPD symptoms and behaviors (which, before his diagnosis, treatments and recovery, included Suicidal Ideations, Heroin Addiction, Clinical Depression, Social Anxiety, etc.), I was constantly sad and in pain. And I couldn't function totally correctly in my life, causing problems in my relationship with my Husband. The TOOLS and THE LESSONS can not only give you an understanding of how your sons' minds work, but also help you learn how to take care of your own well-being... .Welcome to you both