I failed completely.

[PhoenixBlack]

Today is a hard day. I broke 3 months of NC and I hate myself for it. Today is a year since my world was turned upside down and I met her. I knew it would be a tough milestone but not this tough. I've utterly failed myself when I was doing well and having more good days than bad. I don't want her back. I don't want the toxic relationship back but this is a huge step back. Mentally, I'm just putting one foot in front of the other. Anniversaries and occasions always meant so much to her. But it's not an anniversary is it? Why did I think it was? Why do I care? Pretty sure she won't. The only thing that this day is that it's a painful reminder that neither of us needed. Sorry for venting but I'm just really disappointed in myself. All I had to do was get through today. I feel sick.

[Pieter2]

Shame Pheonix - That is tough. I think you're on the right track though. You know you don't want the relationship at all and that is the main thing. Don't worry about taking steps back as you will never be behind where you started. Getting out was the first big step. Now, just put one foot in front of the other.

[camuse]

Don't be too hard on yourself. Just get back up and carry on, 3 months is good progress. NC is tough, it's the only way out but all it leads to is nothingness. Almost 2 months her and it's weird, that after everything that happened, such an intense experience, the amazing times, the drama, everything, and in the end all there is is nothing. No contact, no knowledge, no communication, no friendship, nothing.  No big prize at the end, just emptiness. The temptation to break NC is huge, but always a mistake.

I blocked on FB mine months ago, but I notice in the blocked users list, her name is now black meaning she has deleted her facebook account. That's good, but it also means there is no possibility now of me ever knowing anything more about her. That makes me sad, despite being for the best. She could die now, I'll never know. It's sad that it all turns to dust like this.

Pick yourself up and carry on NC, today you couldn't do it, but tomorrow you will. One day at a time friend  

[Second Birth]

Today is a hard day. I broke 3 months of NC and I hate myself for it. Today is a year since my world was turned upside down and I met her. I knew it would be a tough milestone but not this tough. I've utterly failed myself when I was doing well and having more good days than bad. I don't want her back. I don't want the toxic relationship back but this is a huge step back. Mentally, I'm just putting one foot in front of the other. Anniversaries and occasions always meant so much to her. But it's not an anniversary is it? Why did I think it was? Why do I care? Pretty sure she won't. The only thing that this day is that it's a painful reminder that neither of us needed. Sorry for venting but I'm just really disappointed in myself. All I had to do was get through today. I feel sick.

Don't be sorry for venting.  It's healthy and we understand.  Be gentle with yourself.  It's hard to let go of a relationship that seemed so perfect for a period of time, just like it's hard to give up an addiction.  The only way I ever let go of smoking was to never let myself end my thinking on the topic with a wishful or positive thought... .to INTENTIONALLY end my thinking with a negative such as how disgusting your mouth felt in the morning.  If you find yourself thinking about the good times, try to intentionally counter the thought with the worst of the bad times.  You slipped, you might again, but it will get easier over time.   Wishing you well!

[PhoenixBlack]

Thank you all for the kind words and thoughts. I guess I just didn't know what to expect. I'd built this day up too much thinking that it would somehow be ok after today. Just another day.

[Aussie0zborn]

Don't worry about taking steps back as you will never be behind where you started.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Take Pieter's advice.

Thank goodness you were with her for less than a year. Any idea what it's like to be in a toxic relationship for 10 years, 15 years, 20 years or to even have children with a BPD person? Just remember that this is something you don't want to do so keep away. Don't waste your life on this person... .you are not qualified to help her. Pick up from where you left off and start over again. Good luck.

[bunnysc]

Mate keep it up its very hard, they say its almost like being addicted to drugs... .Just like a drug addict that NEEDS the drug to keep moving... .You can do it by yourself, I am in the same boat almost 2.5 months of NC and 3 days ago she sent me a text saying ''Hello''. I was able to stay NC! You are strong and YOU will get out of the hole!

By the way I don't like all the blocking stuff on cellphone facebook etc... .Just by blocking her on FB you have to see her each time you block her or unblock her, thats a nightmare kinda like breaking NC... .So just go hour by hour day by day, think about YOU