No Contact / Low Contact Update...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

 

Been very busy however an update is in order, I have seen a couple NC related posts and thought I would jump in with how I am going.  I have maintained my LC with my ex now for 94 days, I had to actually go and count them to see where I am at... .

I am feeling so much better, not 100 % and I doubt I will ever really understand everything however I understand a lot of my own stuff now, my motives and how I am dealing with it all.  It took me three or four attempts to actually stick to LC.  For me I had to basically try and live out the white knight thing one last time, try to basically rescue her.  I can say this caused me a bucketload of pain, pain I was able to understand and really process in a healthy way in comparison to previously. 

Would I change any of it, probably, 20/20 hindsight is a thing that we all have in life.  I can look back and say I did my best and I am proud of that.  I still see her and will have to be around her in some way shape or form for the rest of my life due to having a son with her.  I am not too fused by this, I know she will have troubles however have chosen to concentrate on the positives.  I cant control her actions, I cant force her to change.  Anyway, I am 94 days into this effort and cant see myself going back from it at any stage.  In truth I am also 9 months in from learning she had BPD.  Took me 9 months to get properly healthy again... .  Well starting to feel that way at least. 

So to everyone out there it does happen, the whole getting better, easier etc.  Don't be hard on yourself if you go back to contact.  Learn form it, my most valuable lessons came from this repeated contact, my efforts to try and help her ultimately helped me. 

Now the scary part, if she reached out and said, I have this problem would you support me getting help.  I wouldn't hesitate, I made my mind up on that a little while ago.  I just wouldn't ever engage in the dysfunction again of having a relationship with her.  Weird process but one that I am sort of happy where I am at, I wont reach out to help her but if she ever did reach out for help I wouldn't hesitate. 

From a guy who has been there, unable to understand or comprehend, unable to cope.  It gets better and when it does you will feel proud of working through the issues you have identified from this relationship and be a better person for it. 


AJJ. 

[Aussie JJ]

 

Been very busy however an update is in order, I have seen a couple NC related posts and thought I would jump in with how I am going.  I have maintained my LC with my ex now for 94 days, I had to actually go and count them to see where I am at... .

I am feeling so much better, not 100 % and I doubt I will ever really understand everything however I understand a lot of my own stuff now, my motives and how I am dealing with it all.  It took me three or four attempts to actually stick to LC.  For me I had to basically try and live out the white knight thing one last time, try to basically rescue her.  I can say this caused me a bucketload of pain, pain I was able to understand and really process in a healthy way in comparison to previously. 

Would I change any of it, probably, 20/20 hindsight is a thing that we all have in life.  I can look back and say I did my best and I am proud of that.  I still see her and will have to be around her in some way shape or form for the rest of my life due to having a son with her.  I am not too fused by this, I know she will have troubles however have chosen to concentrate on the positives.  I cant control her actions, I cant force her to change.  Anyway, I am 94 days into this effort and cant see myself going back from it at any stage.  In truth I am also 9 months in from learning she had BPD.  Took me 9 months to get properly healthy again... .  Well starting to feel that way at least. 

So to everyone out there it does happen, the whole getting better, easier etc.  Don't be hard on yourself if you go back to contact.  Learn form it, my most valuable lessons came from this repeated contact, my efforts to try and help her ultimately helped me. 

Now the scary part, if she reached out and said, I have this problem would you support me getting help.  I wouldn't hesitate, I made my mind up on that a little while ago.  I just wouldn't ever engage in the dysfunction again of having a relationship with her.  Weird process but one that I am sort of happy where I am at, I wont reach out to help her but if she ever did reach out for help I wouldn't hesitate. 

From a guy who has been there, unable to understand or comprehend, unable to cope.  It gets better and when it does you will feel proud of working through the issues you have identified from this relationship and be a better person for it. 


AJJ. 

[sweetheart]

Hello Aussie JJ,

What a really lovely post. It is truly encouraging for others leaving their relationships that you are reaching a place of acceptance and moving on.

In being able to still help your xSO if she asks you, demonstrates a huge amount of compassion and kindness which this devastating disorder can so often rob us of.

[fred6]

Great post. My ex wouldn't really even talk to me after she split from me. I told her in a letter that I would always be there if she needed me. I now realize that she'll never "need" me. She will always move forward and "need" new supply, because in her words, once she's done with someone she has no use for them anymore.

[hope2727]

Wow fred6,

That is chilling. My fiancee said almost exactly the same thing. It seemed so cold at the time. Now I am starting to comprehend why they do that. Once they reject us they never seem to look back as it might require they look at their own part in the problem.

[JohnLove]

Hi fred6, that is cold. It's difficult to understand unless that person you are done with has hurt you in some heinous manner. 

hope2727, I am intrigued by this component of BPD. Why the constant running away from accountability?. Why can't they accept their part in the problem?. It just doesn't make much sense. 

[Aussie JJ]

It brings out feelings of shame, those feelings are really something you or I are not aware of in many respects.  The feeling of being a bad person, not worth living etc.  Easier for them to throw that hatred at you than to process those feelings. 

Mine said she had made an effort to detach from my feelings and not be concerned about my emotional wellbeing.  I was a bit shocked.  I asked her how she felt about that and she went blank.  deadface for 15-20 seconds. 

They detach from their own feelings and suppress them by moving onto a new supply that they parrot off.  Quite sad. 

[fred6]

Wow fred6,

That is chilling. My fiancee said almost exactly the same thing. It seemed so cold at the time. Now I am starting to comprehend why they do that. Once they reject us they never seem to look back as it might require they look at their own part in the problem.

Well to her credit, she did admit that she lied and cheated on me and that I didn't deserve it. But I've been treated like I'm the one who did the lying and cheating. She kind of apologized for the lying and cheating. But her subsequent treatment of me is the worst part. No apology for that.

Someone tells you that they love you everyday for 3 years straight and one day out of the blue they start lying, cheating, and treating you like you should have been aborted before birth. All with no empathy, it's just insane. Right now it seems like she never cared about me at all.

Hi fred6, that is cold. It's difficult to understand unless that person you are done with has hurt you in some heinous manner. 

hope2727, I am intrigued by this component of BPD. Why the constant running away from accountability?. Why can't they accept their part in the problem?. It just doesn't make much sense. 

Yes, you would think that I did something heinous to her. A few times while I was still living with her, I would give her a hug and whisper in her ear, "I love you. Whatever I did to make you feel this way about me, I'm sorry". When I went in for the hug, she kind of looked disgusted. Her reply, "I love you too, you haven't done anything wrong". What the heck? How can you lie, cheat, and treat me like you don't even know me if I've done nothing wrong. Just nuts... .

[Aussie JJ]

The Shame thing and Empathy thing are overlapping. 

All, well most PD's I've read about have no empathy or / reduced empathy. 

This works in how they relate to themselves and how they relate to others.  We are the others and it hurts, for them, it's shame.  No ability to have empathy for themselves and acknowledge a fault or problem.  Having done something wrong makes it so that they are a bad bad person.  Cant be a bad person, so everyone else has to be a bad person. 

Imagine not being able to forgive yourself.  My take on it all anyway. 


AJJ. 

[Blimblam]

The Shame thing and Empathy thing are overlapping. 

All, well most PD's I've read about have no empathy or / reduced empathy. 

This works in how they relate to themselves and how they relate to others.  We are the others and it hurts, for them, it's shame.  No ability to have empathy for themselves and acknowledge a fault or problem.  Having done something wrong makes it so that they are a bad bad person.  Cant be a bad person, so everyone else has to be a bad person. 

Imagine not being able to forgive yourself.  My take on it all anyway. 


AJJ. 

Yeah that's the way I see it. They just can't forgive them selves and seek out an experience to confirm they are bad in your eyes then project it onto you. 

My ex tried multiple hooks to bait me into drama to punish her.  I didn't bite and asked for space for 2 days. Boom she cheats on me and now has her leverage.

It's just how they operate and it's not personal.  Although we feel everything because they displace it into us and split.

[hope2727]

Mine was so empathetic to everyone else. At first I was on that list too. But now I am not. Last time I saw him I held it together at first then finally broke down and sobbed. He sat there with a dead flat expression. No apology, no emotion on his face, just dead quiet and still. It was chilling.

I seriously think how much easier it would be to be with someone more like me who thinks of how things affect others all the time. I still find myself thinking "how will this impact... .HIM... .if I buy, register for, do whatever." Its just what spouses do. We consider one another when making choices in life.