Just got a text from her after 11 days NC.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey Fred,

I have been reading your story in previous posts. I'm with Goldy on that... .either "Yes, I paid the ticket" or NC. I really do know how you feel. Been there, done that.

On a different context, I tried the "Who's this?" thing too, trying to fight fire with fire... .Her answer was an email telling me how wonderful was her life with my replacement... .I got burned. So, don't give her the pleasure to do so with you. Please.

[maric]

Hey Fred,

I have been reading your story in previous posts. I'm with Goldy on that... .either "Yes, I paid the ticket" or NC. I really do know how you feel. Been there, done that.

On a different context, I tried the "Who's this?" thing too, trying to fight fire with fire... .Her answer was an email telling me how wonderful was her life with my replacement... .I got burned. So, don't give her the pleasure to do so with you. Please.

[fred6]

Anyhow, since she keeps blowing up my phone, I guess that pick number 2 and ask her "who's number is this?"

I'll update in a little while,

fred6,

She is mentally is ill. She's not going to understand the context. You're hurt. I'm sorry  

I know Mutt. She called right before I texted her back and left a voice mail. But here's how it went down.

Me- Who's number is this?

exBPD- Ur x

Me- I deleted your # so that I wouldn't be tempted to call you anymore, since you have made it painfully clear that you want NOTHING to do with me.

exBPD-That's fine ru going to pay the ticket is all I need to know

Me-Yes, I took care of your ticket, just like I always took care of you

exBPD- Thanks you!

Me-Anyhow, I hope you're happy. Please take care of yourself, the kids, and fredcat. Bye (exBPD)



Then I listened to her voicemail, which was left before I texted her. Kind of raging, she said "Look I just need to know if you're going to pay the damn ticket. If you need to check up on the kids, you can look on my dad's facebook. I'm going to delete you on facebook, um um and I guess good luck.

I then texted her back.

Me- I just listened to your voicemail. I'm sorry that you think that you have to delete me on facebook because I didn't know your number. But if that's what you gotta do, I understand. Take care and goodbye, you guys will always be important to me.

exBPD- XXXX, I think that it's best right now until things get easier! I can't tell you enough how sorry I am!

Me- easier for who? And sorry about what?

exBPD- U and for cheating and lying to u because I know you didn't deserve this! I do wish you the best, goodbye

Me- I'll be just fine. And it's OK don't feel bad, I already told you that I have forgiven you. Take care and stay strong baby, good luck. over and out... .

[crookedeuphoria]

Soo. Do you feel better?

[fred6]

Fred6 don't make up a lie and try and act as if you don't recognize her phone number. This will have the opposite effect from what you think it will and will telegraph to her that you are still emotionally invested.

Just text her back "yes the ticket is paid". That's it. Then go NC. I have no problem with you using this as some way to control the situation but as soon as you start making isht up because of your emotions then by default it shows how little control you actually feel. Giving her a simple but cold, all business reply is a good way to let her know you don't care about her or discussing anything further. Alternatively its fine to just ignore her forever as well. I don't have a problem with this just do whatever feels best to you. But if you start making up lies using texts it will just come across as try-hard. It will be obvious that you're hurt and powerless to do anything in response other than eff with her on text--dont give her the satisfaction. Stick to the facts or hold NC.

Too late guys, it had already gone down, . Anyhow, I think it worked out pretty good. I accomplished a few things.

Even though she never would have apologized to my face like this, at least she did in a text. But then again, she's apologized by text more than she ever did in person for the past 3 years. At least she showed some remorse, even if it was fake.

Still painted black and no signs of a recycle. Good and good.

Deleted from facebook, I didn't have the balls to delete her, so now she's gonna delete me. Now if she actually does it is another story,

Even though she seemed kind of remorseful through the texts, she may have been laughing at me the whole time saying "fnck him". Regardless, I let her down easy and let her know that she was forgiven and not to worry about me anymore.

Anyhow, you guys dissect it and tell me the pros and cons.

[fred6]

Soo. Do you feel better?

In a few ways yes. I've already been NC for 2 weeks. So the thought of not talking to or seeing her ever again has already been processed and NC was already established. It's still hard, but no harder than it has been in the past couple weeks.

Like I said, I did get a text apology and signs of being remorseful, even if fake. Better than nothing I guess.

The facebook delete kind of stung, but that's what's recommended around here anyhow. Had to happen eventually in order to fully go NC. Even though we haven't spoken on there or anything.

You guys tell me, what's the downside here? That's why I'm here,

[crookedeuphoria]

IMO, the downside is that the worm has reinfiltrated your brain. You now have another conversation--a fresh one--to think about, ruminate over and analyze.

That being said, you were able to say that you forgive her and you got an apology and now you can focus on your healing.

[fred6]

IMO, the downside is that the worm has reinfiltrated your brain. You now have another conversation--a fresh one--to think about, ruminate over and analyze.

That being said, you were able to say that you forgive her and you got an apology and now you can focus on your healing.

Hell, I was already thinking about her everyday anyhow. Just more closure for me is the way I see it.

Speaking of analyze, hahaha. This is the only thing that I wonder. In the following exchange about deleting me off Facebook:



exBPD- XXXX, I think that it's best right now until things get easier! I can't tell you enough how sorry I am!

Me- easier for who? And sorry about what?

When I asked easier for who? And she said, "easier for me". I kind of get the impression that she really meant easier for "her". Because as far as Facebook is concerned, neither of us has really posted anything much in the past week. So how would it be easier on me for her to delete me. I haven't even acknowledged her on Facebook. Kind of strange... .

I know these exchanges don't mean much to anyone but me. But they are kind of a stepping stone to further this process. Like I said, I don't really see anything that stands out that could be considered bad. But then again... .

[Mutt]

Me-Yes, I took care of your ticket thanks

^This^

That's all you need to say. Keep you're responses short, to the point. Walk away with decency and respect for you. You're knee deep in pain.

Fred6 don't make up a lie and try and act as if you don't recognize her phone number. This will have the opposite effect from what you think it will and will telegraph to her that you are still emotionally invested.

Just text her back "yes the ticket is paid". That's it. Then go NC. I have no problem with you using this as some way to control the situation but as soon as you start making isht up because of your emotions then by default it shows how little control you actually feel. Giving her a simple but cold, all business reply is a good way to let her know you don't care about her or discussing anything further. Alternatively its fine to just ignore her forever as well. I don't have a problem with this just do whatever feels best to you. But if you start making up lies using texts it will just come across as try-hard. It will be obvious that you're hurt and powerless to do anything in response other than eff with her on text--dont give her the satisfaction. Stick to the facts or hold NC.

^There's a lot of wisdom here fred6.^

You are telling her you are still emotionally invested. Don't give her this satisfaction. You're a good man.

Walk away with pride and start with no contact. Change your number, block texts, whatever it takes to start disengaging.

[fred6]

You are telling her you are still emotionally invested. Don't give her this satisfaction. You're a good man.

Walk away with pride and start with no contact. Change your number, block texts, whatever it takes to start disengaging.

However I'm coming of as, please remember that I really, really, really much appreciate the help and advice here. I do see what you are saying Mutt. I have been kind of proud of myself for the past 2 weeks by staying NC. However, it has only been 2 weeks and everyone including her knows that I'm still emotionally invested. We had one outstanding issue and now it's resolved. There are no more that I can think of. So now it's time to resume NC and move forward. Will it be easy? Hell no it won't. But there's nothing left to do at this point for me but move forward. I'm pretty sure that I won't be hearing from her again. There is too much shame and guilt for her to try a recycle.

[Lion Fire]

I have to a agree with Mutt,

These wee games have hollow victories that only give temporary relief.

I have been tempted so many times to lock into the games. The fact is that she is a pro at games, it's a no contest, and I will get hurt... .again... .I've had enough of hurting by her 

[Mutt]

You are telling her you are still emotionally invested. Don't give her this satisfaction. You're a good man.

Walk away with pride and start with no contact. Change your number, block texts, whatever it takes to start disengaging.

However I'm coming of as, please remember that I really, really, really much appreciate the help and advice here. I do see what you are saying Mutt. I have been kind of proud of myself for the past 2 weeks by staying NC. However, it has only been 2 weeks and everyone including her knows that I'm still emotionally invested. We had one outstanding issue and now it's resolved. There are no more that I can think of. So now it's time to resume NC and move forward. Will it be easy? Hell no it won't. But there's nothing left to do at this point for me but move forward. I'm pretty sure that I won't be hearing from her again. There is too much shame and guilt for her to try a recycle.

I know fred6 this isn't the real you. You have a community that has your back. We sympathize and empathize with you. Remember that you have people that care here on the boards. Not many understand the depth of the pain of a borderline relationship. I'm around your age and there was no pain worse than her.

I know it's only been 2 weeks. Eventually there are two paths.

Anger then healing.

Or,

Anger and suffering.

Choose wisely. You will eventually see things for what they are. We have all suffered enough. Keep that in mind.

Anger is normal. You have a right to feel this anger after the way that you have been treated. You may not hear from her, then you may when she has a need. Many here will say that you do eventually hear back from them.

[fred6]

I know fred6 this isn't the real you. You have a community that has your back. We sympathize and empathize with you. Remember that you have people that care here on the boards. Not many understand the depth of the pain of a borderline relationship. I'm around your age and there was no pain worse than her.

Maybe it is the real me Mutt. Maybe I care too damn much like a chump. Like they say, nice guys finish last. With most of my relationships, I've found that to be true. But as I read about all this $hit, I am finding that maybe I'm the problem. My FOO seems to be worse than hers was. At least my exBPD(I don't even know if she is BPD)has admitted to having demons and issues to work out. I always told her that my childhood was probably worse than hers and I just don't ever think or worry about it. What's done is done, don't worry about it and just live life. Now I have to re examine myself. Have I repressed something? Maybe I'm the pwBPD, hell I don't know. All I know is that when I find someone that I like. I get attached. I'm 42 years old and I've dated and had sex with plenty of women. But there have only been 3 women that I've gotten really attached to. They all left. This one is totally different. The other ones were hard. This one feels like a part of me is dying or something. Almost like I'm dealing with my crazy mother or sister. I always thought that my brothers, crazy sister, and exBPD were silly worrying about all this stuff in the past. I mean, I'm a happy go lucky type guy. I never worry about all that crap that happened in the past with my parents. It never really bothered me much. Now that I look at it though, my exBPD has been seeing her church councilor for a while now trying to deal with her "demons". But yet, she's the one that cheats on me, lies to me, treats me like $hit, and tells me that I've done nothing wrong and didn't deserve this. I have never cheated on anyone and been good to her. None of this makes any sense to me. What do you think?

I know it's only been 2 weeks. Eventually there are two paths.

Anger then healing.

Or,

Anger and suffering.

It's been 2 weeks since I moved out. I've been dealing with this since the beginning of July. So what's the difference between anger and healing or anger and suffering?

Choose wisely. You will eventually see things for what they are. We have all suffered enough. Keep that in mind.

Anger is normal. You have a right to feel this anger after the way that you have been treated. You may not hear from her, then you may when she has a need. Many here will say that you do eventually hear back from them.

It's over, she ain't coming back. But what's the difference between her "need" and my "need"?

Edit. While typing up this rant. I had my pandora radio 80's hair metal station on. I'm not really religious, but if god exists he hates me. My metal station just played this old 70s AM radio song that I remember. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzEjTFkrS1U

Is exBPD singing to me now about 2 lovers? I mean really, What the heck?

[Mutt]

The difference is staying angry at the mentally ill, and losing yourself in the process. I understand with the r/s patterns. This takes time, you'll find your answers if you let yourself feel the pain. Many have asked that question "Am I borderline?"

Nice guys don't finish last. I can tell you. I felt pain beyond the r/s. For me, she had ruptured pain from FOO. That's why it was so much pain.

[fred6]

For me, she had ruptured pain from FOO. That's why it was so much pain.

From your FOO, hers, or both?

[Mutt]

For me, she had ruptured pain from FOO. That's why it was so much pain.

From your FOO, hers, or both?

My FOO. Everyone gets attached or involved for their reasons. It could be FOO, it could be a life event like a divorce and some have no FOO issues.

She couldn't cope. I saw it for 2 years in the end. Had no clue it could be a mental illness. I became a trigger. This is the disorder.

[myself]

Now I have to re examine myself.

Yes, and that's what you're doing. You're still asking questions, so don't come to any conclusions just yet. Don't take on more than is yours, or that you can chew. Don't believe everything you were told, and don't cast your fears in stone. Accept that the mirror she holds has turned away, and the one you're facing now is your own. That's what we're all trying to do/accomplishing here. Everything's mixed up right now, but it will settle, and will be better.

[Infared]

I say ignore the request. She flippantly gave you HER ticket... .to abuse you. You had said you would pay it... .but she still had to give you that slap in the face. If she had kept it and taken your check as you suggested she would still have the ticket and know its destiny.

Let her contact the court to find out. Inappropriate and selfish reason to contact you. She also knows that she would have thrown the ticket in the garbage... .so she is projecting her behavior on you... .

[Blimblam]

Now I have to re examine myself.

Yes, and that's what you're doing. You're still asking questions, so don't come to any conclusions just yet. Don't take on more than is yours, or that you can chew. Don't believe everything you were told, and don't cast your fears in stone. Accept that the mirror she holds has turned away, and the one you're facing now is your own. That's what we're all trying to do/accomplishing here. Everything's mixed up right now, but it will settle, and will be better.

Super deep man. 

[fred6]

I say ignore the request. She flippantly gave you HER ticket... .to abuse you. You had said you would pay it... .but she still had to give you that slap in the face. If she had kept it and taken your check as you suggested she would still have the ticket and know its destiny.

Let her contact the court to find out. Inappropriate and selfish reason to contact you. She also knows that she would have thrown the ticket in the garbage... .so she is projecting her behavior on you... .

I already had texted her back. But yes, you are correct. I was kind of offended when she gave me the ticket and said, "you just pay it". With everything she was putting me through and as much of a b.itch as she was being.

She still hasn't deleted me off of Facebook though, haha. She left that mean voice mail because I didn't answer her. Then I guess that she rethought it and felt bad. Or maybe she just hasn't gotten around to it yet, . It's interesting though, she's a Facebookaholic. But she hasn't posted much lately and if I'm logged in or if I post something, she logs out rather quickly. Kind of like when I was still living there, with her avoidance and limited communication with me. What's that? Her guilt and shame? I guess that Facebook isn't big enough for the both of us, hahaha.