Just got a text from her after 11 days NC.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Had the day off work and just lurking here on the forums. My phone just beeped with a text. About 3-4 weeks ago before I moved out, me and uxBPD were driving to the store and we got pulled over and she got a ticket because I didn't have my seatbelt on. Needless to say, the ride home was stressful. I told her to just tell me how much the ticket was and I would write her a check to cover it. Anyhow, about a week later she just gives me the ticket and told me to "take care of it".

Now she texts me, "Have you paid that ticket yet"? Should I even reply? After all that she has done to me? No, how are you? No, I'm sorry?

[fred6]

Had the day off work and just lurking here on the forums. My phone just beeped with a text. About 3-4 weeks ago before I moved out, me and uxBPD were driving to the store and we got pulled over and she got a ticket because I didn't have my seatbelt on. Needless to say, the ride home was stressful. I told her to just tell me how much the ticket was and I would write her a check to cover it. Anyhow, about a week later she just gives me the ticket and told me to "take care of it".

Now she texts me, "Have you paid that ticket yet"? Should I even reply? After all that she has done to me? No, how are you? No, I'm sorry?

[fred6]

By the way, I did pay the ticket last week.

[bunnysc]

I wouldn't answer it, must be a way for her to try to connect with you cause who knows what happened. Same thing happened to me she sent me a few texts... .I had the power to stay NC, its hard as hell. But like a member in here said: '':)o you want to get in the roller-coaster again?

At least for me its been hard because our relationship was very intense and just being alone now its hard to cope with. Sometime I don't even want to get out of the house. I am trying to follow my projects and stuff I like.

So I wouldn't get involved with it... .

[seeking balance]

By the way, I did pay the ticket last week.

Tell her simply that - and then nothing else.

She will respond nicely, don't be tempted to continue the drama.  Her question is reasonable and a reasonable answer is what mature people do.

Best,

SB

[Inside]

I wouldn't answer it, must be a way for her to try to connect with you cause who knows what happened. Same thing happened to me she sent me a few texts... .I had the power to stay NC, its hard as hell. But like a member in here said: '':)o you want to get in the roller-coaster again?

Agreed.  A week ago I got a text …and couldn’t figure out who it was from … till my daughter suggested my xBPgf.  I’d deleted her number, but sure enough – after 10 months!  …though I’d gotten a few other texts that I hadn't recognize so ignored, never bothering to compare her number... . 

But with this last one – I’m so proud not to have answered    I’m making progress

It’s said you’re never totally off their radar, and mine had confirmed that by her constant references as to what previous guys were doing – like I needed to know?  Well, she’ll have to find another source for info on me.

I assume you paid the ticket… if so, ignore her. 

[fred6]

By the way, I did pay the ticket last week.

Tell her simply that - and then nothing else.

She will respond nicely, don't be tempted to continue the drama.  Her question is reasonable and a reasonable answer is what mature people do.

Best,

SB

That was my 1st thought. However, even though her question is reasonable, again it only benefits her. She has to know what she put me through, and how badly this has affected me. Her last words to me were, "I know you think that I'm being a b|tch about all of this". Those words tell me that she is somewhat aware of how she was/is acting towards me.

She could have asked how I was doing. She could have been remorseful about how the r/s ended. She could have told me how the kids and the cat are doing. But no, just did you take care of my issue yet?

Probably doesn't even matter at this point. It's been an hour, she'll probably just called court services and check on it. She only texted me because it "made her life easier".

[bunnysc]

Fred6, now is the ''Ticket'' the way to get to you... .But later on it could be something else. Or maybe it will be the last text you get from her who knows.

In my case she sent me a sms text saying ''Hi'' which I didn't answer, so she went via W app, another text and 2 more!... .So she was really trying to connect in some way (Off course just for her own benefit)

God was I LOST? She was sending me texts after 2 months NC... .WHEN what she did was to drop me for a replacement random guy, who even called me threatening me acting as a lawyer against me. WTH... .

So they can do some incredible things! And out of nothing they just send texts or call like nothing happened... .Can you tell they are really disordered minds?

So for your own health stay NC.

[fred6]

Fred6, now is the ''Ticket'' the way to get to you... .But later on it could be something else. Or maybe it will be the last text you get from her who knows.

In my case she sent me a sms text saying ''Hi'' which I didn't answer, so she went via W app, another text and 2 more!... .So she was really trying to connect in some way (Off course just for her own benefit)

God was I LOST? She was sending me texts after 2 months NC... .WHEN what she did was to drop me for a replacement random guy, who even called me threatening me acting as a lawyer against me. WTH... .

So they can do some incredible things! And out of nothing they just send texts or call like nothing happened... .Can you tell they are really disordered minds?

So for your own health stay NC.

Aside from the kids, the cat, some answers for my closure, or her admitting her illness and committing to getting some help. I don't want to hear anything from her. I''m pissed off, I should text her back, "go wash your hair with battery acid". When I say that I'm pissed off, it's an understatement. I'm really Fncking pissed off right now!

[Mutt]

By the way, I did pay the ticket last week.

Tell her simply that - and then nothing else.

She will respond nicely, don't be tempted to continue the drama.  Her question is reasonable and a reasonable answer is what mature people do.

Best,

SB

You have a right to feel the anger fred6. You went through her dissociative phase and she had checked out at home. You want your voice to be heard and validated. I understand.

This is painful stuff.  It hasn't been long since you have moved out. The first few months are very hard. My heart goes out to you. If you respond send a short response after cooling your jets off.

I'm happy that you chose to share with us on your day off. Use the boards. Hang in there.

[bunnysc]

I know how you are feeling and its ok, but please just think of your well being mate and please be strong. At the moment you are feeling pissed of, I get that as well. You will have ups and downs. I guess its the normal way of healing 

Some days I am feeling pissed for all the S*&^ I went thorough, other days I find myself crying while taking a bath, and I am thinking like What the heck is happening! At least we are healing the correct way, and not throwing stuff inside a box.

Someone finds salvation in everyone, And another only pain

Someone tries to hide himself, Down inside himself he prays

Someone swears his true love until the end of time

Another runs away

Separate or united?

Healthy or insane?

Audioslave - Be Yourself

^^^ = 

[fred6]

You have a right to feel the anger fred6. You went through her dissociative phase and she had checked out at home. You want your voice to be heard and validated. I understand.

This is painful stuff.  It hasn't been long since you have moved out. The first few months are very hard. My heart goes out to you. If you respond send a short response after cooling your jets off.

I don't think she deserves my response. If she wants to know if the ticket is paid, she can get off her a$$ and spend 5 minutes to call court services. Or maybe she can call her new supply Rocky, and get him to do it.

I'm happy that you chose to share with us on your day off. Use the boards. Hang in there.

Hell Mutt, I'm here everyday posting. My uxBPD got new supply and I got these boards, so I guess that I'm nuts or something. I may act kind of OK. But I'm an effing wreck on the inside,

[fred6]

I know how you are feeling and its ok, but please just think of your well being mate and please be strong. At the moment you are feeling pissed of, I get that as well. You will have ups and downs. I guess its the normal way of healing 

Some days I am feeling pissed for all the S*&^ I went thorough, other days I find myself crying while taking a bath, and I am thinking like What the heck is happening! At least we are healing the correct way, and not throwing stuff inside a box.

Someone finds salvation in everyone, And another only pain

Someone tries to hide himself, Down inside himself he prays

Someone swears his true love until the end of time

Another runs away

Separate or united?

Healthy or insane?

Audioslave - Be Yourself

^^^ = 

Yeah, the text just pissed me off. I think my new motto with everyone is, "what's in it for me"? If there is nothing in it for me, then I don't do it. If I had not already paid the ticket, I would text back, "what's in it for me"? I bet that will run her ass off permanently and for good... .

[Mutt]

I'm happy that you chose to share with us on your day off. Use the boards. Hang in there.

Hell Mutt, I'm here everyday posting. My uxBPD got new supply and I got these boards, so I guess that I'm nuts or something. I may act kind of OK. But I'm an effing wreck on the inside,

I've been there. I was a wreck inside too.

The path to freedom is working through the anger and disengage. We suffer if we stay engaged. You can set a boundary that you don't want her to text you. Send by e-mail. If she still sends by text advise you only respond back by e-mail. She'll get the picture.Texts triggered me.

I hope that helps.

[fred6]

I'm happy that you chose to share with us on your day off. Use the boards. Hang in there.

Hell Mutt, I'm here everyday posting. My uxBPD got new supply and I got these boards, so I guess that I'm nuts or something. I may act kind of OK. But I'm an effing wreck on the inside,

I've been there. I was a wreck inside too.

The path to freedom is working through the anger and disengage.

Thanks Mutt. I did disengage, that's why she didn't get a response. There are only a few things that she can address to gain a reply from me and she doesn't have the emotional maturity to process or deal with those things.

[seeking balance]

Fred, I get your anger - honestly... .anger that is justified and a valuable part of your healing process.

Thanks Mutt. I did disengage, that's why she didn't get a response. There are only a few things that she can address to gain a reply from me and she doesn't have the emotional maturity to process or deal with those things.

The response of "yes" is the rational, reasonable thing in this scenario.  You got the ticket in her car not wearing the seat belt - this is the fact, right?

Yes, it is a fact she may be using this to get to you - but you have the control right now to simply answer the question and THEN stop the engagement.

Unresolved tactical issues have made many of us crazy - hell, I remember hanging onto being "right"  until my T asked if I wanted to be "right" or "happy".  And frankly, there were times I wanted to be right.

You are raw and hurt Fred - emotionally mature people dig into this, process it while TACTICALLY act reasonable.  This is a tall order right now, not one that I or most of us did perfectly - so be kind to yourself.

If you need some time to cool off, great - but don't be surprised when her reasonable question comes back to haunt you much bigger by ignoring her now.

Hang in there,

SB

[fred6]

About an hour ago I went to pay the rent, check the mail, and pick up a burger. And the phone rings. Well guess who it is? It's uxBPD, I guess she wants to know about the ticket. I just let that sh|t go to voice mail. She didn't leave a message, so I guess it wasn't that important, .

[fred6]

The response of "yes" is the rational, reasonable thing in this scenario.  You got the ticket in her car not wearing the seat belt - this is the fact, right?

Yes, it is a fact she may be using this to get to you - but you have the control right now to simply answer the question and THEN stop the engagement.

Unresolved tactical issues have made many of us crazy - hell, I remember hanging onto being "right"  until my T asked if I wanted to be "right" or "happy".  And frankly, there were times I wanted to be right.

Again, I agree with you to an extent. I was the one without my seat belt on. However, as the driver she is responsible to pay the ticket. I told her that I would because I thought it was the right thing to do. I did pay the ticket, what I agreed to do. I did not agree to follow up with her on a ticket that's in her name.

You are raw and hurt Fred - emotionally mature people dig into this, process it while TACTICALLY act reasonable.  This is a tall order right now, not one that I or most of us did perfectly - so be kind to yourself.

If you need some time to cool off, great - but don't be surprised when her reasonable question comes back to haunt you much bigger by ignoring her now.

Hang in there,

SB

I'm not sure what she could do to come back and haunt me. She told me she loved me everyday for 3 years. Then one day she quits her job, quits her meds, paints black all of her 10+ year ex co-worker friends, paints black and kicks out her 17yo old son, cheats on me, breaks up with me, tells me to find a home of my own, and lies to me about cheating for a month. Then she "flips the switch" and treats me like I'm a worthless mistake and makes me watch her go spend the night with new supply while I'm sitting on the sofa waiting for my apartment to be ready.

Through all of this, she never had an honest talk with me, answered any of my questions, or helped me deal with any of this agony that she has inflicted on me. So why should I answer her question? After everything that she's done to me, what can she possibly do that will haunt me? 

[Algae]

What would really tear her apart is if you responded with, "Who's number is this?"

Lol it would make her think you deleted her number

[crookedeuphoria]

If you don't respond though, it's just opening a door, you know? Like the phone call. She has BPD, she will be relentless. Responding with a "yeah, it's paid" leaves no room for anything else. I do kind of like the "whose number is this" but that's my mean streak shining through   Just answer her and be done with it. Stop torturing yourself.

[fred6]

What would really tear her apart is if you responded with, "Who's number is this?"

Lol it would make her think you deleted her number

Hahaha, thanks Algae. I'm going to remember that one, that may come in useful in the future. But since she mentioned the ticket she wouldn't believe it. I am under no illusion that she probably won't ever contact me again whether I answer the text or not. So the way I figure it, is that if I answer her, SHE WINS.

The only other unfinished business the we have it that I may have some mail there between the time that I left and forwarded my mail.

[seeking balance]

So why should I answer her question? After everything that she's done to me, what can she possibly do that will haunt me? 

You don't have to answer her Fred.

You asked for an opinion, in my experience it is better to keep simple things simple.  You seem to have a lot tied to this question, and you seem to be hellbent on being the one in control - I get it - I wanted control when my emotions were all over the place and I felt so out of control... .it is a hard place to be.

There is no right or wrong - keep us posted. 

Best,

SB

[Mutt]

About an hour ago I went to pay the rent, check the mail, and pick up a burger. And the phone rings. Well guess who it is? It's uxBPD, I guess she wants to know about the ticket. I just let that sh|t go to voice mail. She didn't leave a message, so I guess it wasn't that important, .

It may or not be about the ticket.

A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.

[fred6]

If you don't respond though, it's just opening a door, you know? Like the phone call. She has BPD, she will be relentless. Responding with a "yeah, it's paid" leaves no room for anything else. I do kind of like the "whose number is this" but that's my mean streak shining through   Just answer her and be done with it. Stop torturing yourself.

Oh, I'm not torturing myself. Quite the contrary, I kind of get a strange satisfaction out of this NC. I mean, I'm kind of pissed off about it. She could take 3-4 minutes and call court services. But noo, let's bother the guy who loved you that you reduced to a pile of dog$hit.

I'll think about replying to her. But if I decide to, I'll do it on my terms and schedule. Maybe next Tuesday at 3am she'll get a text that says, "I hope this is your number. I just wanted you to know that I paid your ticket. Take care, goodbye". I probably won't do that, but it's a thought,

[fred6]

So why should I answer her question? After everything that she's done to me, what can she possibly do that will haunt me? 

You don't have to answer her Fred.

You asked for an opinion, in my experience it is better to keep simple things simple.  You seem to have a lot tied to this question, and you seem to be hellbent on being the one in control - I get it - I wanted control when my emotions were all over the place and I felt so out of control... .it is a hard place to be.

There is no right or wrong - keep us posted. 

Best,

SB

I know that you're trying to help, don't take my answer as hostile. I guess that I'm projecting like my uxBPD taught me, lmao.

Anyhow, I know myself. She doesn't know my new address. But if she did and showed up here to recycle or have sex. I know that I would cave in. I have to try to keep the control or else I'll put myself in the position to lose control. I'm not weak minded like that in life, however when it comes to her I'm weak. I still want her validation, love, and acceptance. I'm not far enough in this process yet. I don't want her to think that she can just text or call when she feels the need. My emotional side wants to be recycled but my head says, "hell no". I hope that you understand what I'm saying... .

[fred6]

About an hour ago I went to pay the rent, check the mail, and pick up a burger. And the phone rings. Well guess who it is? It's uxBPD, I guess she wants to know about the ticket. I just let that sh|t go to voice mail. She didn't leave a message, so I guess it wasn't that important, .

It may or not be about the ticket.

A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.

I sure as hell hope it was about the ticket. Not sure what else it could be about.

Love the Wargames reference, . I got one for you that I've edited.

[smiles sarcastically at uxBPD] Miss uxBPD, after very careful consideration, sir, I've come to the conclusion that your old emotional defense system sucks.

[fred6]

Got a follow up text about an hour ago while I was grocery shopping. It said, "R U not going to answer my ?" Then 7 minutes later, "Just let me know if I need to go pay it by the 9th please".

Time to end this, so it's either:

1. stay NC and not respond

2. Wait a couple hours and reply with, "Who's number is this?" Then, "Oh hey, I deleted your number so that I wouldn't be tempted to call or text you anymore, since you made it painfully clear that I mean nothing to you. Then, "yes I took care of your ticket just like I always took care of you. I hope you're happy. Bye, please take care of yourself, the kids, and fredcat!

What's it gonna be?

[Lion Fire]

I had a similar thing...

we had a cell phone account issue to solve. I had to transfer it into my name and pay the balance.

She was on my case unnecessarily asking if I'd paid etc... .

I transferred the account into my name, paid the balance and informed her as in a simple

"Hi, the account is in my name, all amounts have been settled" and then resumed NC.

She tried to contact me several times after that to reconnect in "friendship" etc but I kept NC for 101 days till now.

I believe informing her was the right thing to do in my case.

[fred6]

I had a similar thing...

we had a cell phone account issue to solve. I had to transfer it into my name and pay the balance.

She was on my case unnecessarily asking if I'd paid etc... .

I transferred the account into my name, paid the balance and informed her as in a simple

"Hi, the account is in my name, all amounts have been settled" and then resumed NC.

She tried to contact me several times after that to reconnect in "friendship" etc but I kept NC for 101 days till now.

I believe informing her was the right thing to do in my case.

I will inform her, but I'm gonna have a little fun with it. Seeing as how this is the last time that we'll probably talk because she ain't a recycler.

Anyhow, since she keeps blowing up my phone, I guess that pick number 2 and ask her "who's number is this?"

I'll update in a little while,

[Mutt]

Anyhow, since she keeps blowing up my phone, I guess that pick number 2 and ask her "who's number is this?"

I'll update in a little while,

fred6,

She is mentally ill. BPD is a serious disorder. She's not going to understand the context.

You're hurt. I'm sorry  

[goldylamont]

Fred6 don't make up a lie and try and act as if you don't recognize her phone number. This will have the opposite effect from what you think it will and will telegraph to her that you are still emotionally invested.

Just text her back "yes the ticket is paid". That's it. Then go NC. I have no problem with you using this as some way to control the situation but as soon as you start making isht up because of your emotions then by default it shows how little control you actually feel. Giving her a simple but cold, all business reply is a good way to let her know you don't care about her or discussing anything further. Alternatively its fine to just ignore her forever as well. I don't have a problem with this just do whatever feels best to you. But if you start making up lies using texts it will just come across as try-hard. It will be obvious that you're hurt and powerless to do anything in response other than eff with her on text--dont give her the satisfaction. Stick to the facts or hold NC.