I'm sad

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Just need to vent... .

My birthday was this week and I received lots of congratulations from many friends on facebook and privately.

I know many friends love me and appreciate me for what I am.

I have a loving girlfriend whom I genuinely love back.

But despite all this happiness in my life.  The morning after my birthday my uBPDxso congratulated me on my facebook book and wished me a happy year that is full of love.  I responded politely, thanking her and wishing the same for her but I felt stirred and shaken from that as I knew on one hand she means that but on the other she is compartmentalizing me from her life and the love she wishes we, she doesn't intend to provide.  Like, if you really care for me and care about my happiness, it's quite simple (if you're normal) - just be there for me as a true friend.  It doesn't take much... .

I made the classic mistake of peeking at her facebook and at her bf's.  There are recent pics of them hugging at a (common) friends party.  They appear on his fb, not on hers.  Their r/s is pretty much missing from her fb so I know it's complicated for her.  So darn sick and convoluted and I feel sorry for her and angry about her choices (just venting and letting this out... .).

I feel depressed now while knowing I am doing really well with my personal life.

I am going though a rough period at work though where my esteem is being challenged and I do feel under-appreciated by certain people, some are meaningful to me.  I am really tired by these politics and I feel the urge to move on there too and started looking for a new project to work on, now with people I trust.  This might be related as I might be projecting... . don't know... .thinking out loud here and I'd appreciate hearing your insight

Thanks for reading, TIL

[trappedinlove]

Just need to vent... .

My birthday was this week and I received lots of congratulations from many friends on facebook and privately.

I know many friends love me and appreciate me for what I am.

I have a loving girlfriend whom I genuinely love back.

But despite all this happiness in my life.  The morning after my birthday my uBPDxso congratulated me on my facebook book and wished me a happy year that is full of love.  I responded politely, thanking her and wishing the same for her but I felt stirred and shaken from that as I knew on one hand she means that but on the other she is compartmentalizing me from her life and the love she wishes we, she doesn't intend to provide.  Like, if you really care for me and care about my happiness, it's quite simple (if you're normal) - just be there for me as a true friend.  It doesn't take much... .

I made the classic mistake of peeking at her facebook and at her bf's.  There are recent pics of them hugging at a (common) friends party.  They appear on his fb, not on hers.  Their r/s is pretty much missing from her fb so I know it's complicated for her.  So darn sick and convoluted and I feel sorry for her and angry about her choices (just venting and letting this out... .).

I feel depressed now while knowing I am doing really well with my personal life.

I am going though a rough period at work though where my esteem is being challenged and I do feel under-appreciated by certain people, some are meaningful to me.  I am really tired by these politics and I feel the urge to move on there too and started looking for a new project to work on, now with people I trust.  This might be related as I might be projecting... . don't know... .thinking out loud here and I'd appreciate hearing your insight

Thanks for reading, TIL

[Infern0]

The oh so common no evidence of relationship on her Facebook.

For a second,  imagine how that makes her new boyfriend feel... .

He's in a relationship with someone who is ashamed of him.  And he's in fog but deep down he knows it and it will be eating away at him, destroying his pride,  destroying his self worth.

He's playing the game with himself asking why she won't have a picture of her and him as her profile pic etc. And she'll be gaslighting him with a ridiculous excuse as to why,  and making him feel guilty for asking

Be glad it's not you man.

At this stage of the game you really should be moving to no contact.

The sadness will pass.

[Deeno02]

The oh so common no evidence of relationship on her Facebook.

For a second,  imagine how that makes her new boyfriend feel... .

He's in a relationship with someone who is ashamed of him.  And he's in fog but deep down he knows it and it will be eating away at him, destroying his pride,  destroying his self worth.

Be glad it's not you man.

At this stage of the game you really should be moving to no contact.

The sadness will pass.

I was the same way. She never changed her status to in a relationship, and I wasnt going to until she did. Never changed her profile picture to one of us either (i did). So a year and a half long relationship and nothing. I believe she was ashamed of me. That would explain why I was never around her friends except for 4 times and those were large gatherings where I could be put out to pasture so to speak. The stuff you realize when your NC. Wow... .

[Infern0]

The oh so common no evidence of relationship on her Facebook.

For a second,  imagine how that makes her new boyfriend feel... .

He's in a relationship with someone who is ashamed of him.  And he's in fog but deep down he knows it and it will be eating away at him, destroying his pride,  destroying his self worth.

Be glad it's not you man.

At this stage of the game you really should be moving to no contact.

The sadness will pass.

I was the same way. She never changed her status to in a relationship, and I wasnt going to until she did. Never changed her profile picture to one of us either (i did). So a year and a half long relationship and nothing. I believe she was ashamed of me. That would explain why I was never around her friends except for 4 times and those were large gatherings where I could be put out to pasture so to speak. The stuff you realize when your NC. Wow... .

I was "lucky" I guess in that she didn't mind flaunting me so that's one problem I didn't have. But with that comes it's own problems. I made a big effort to get to know her best friend and talked to her a bunch. Then it's "you like her don't you,  you think she's prettier than me"

It's bull___ either way.

She wasn't "ashamed" of me but that didn't save me from devaluation and being swapped out for a guy she IS ashamed of

[camuse]

So sorry you feel sad  Please consider blocking both form your FB. You have no obligation to be friends with this person who can only cause you pain.

Mine also refused to put anything about me on her FB - her reasoning was it was "childish".  Before going NC, I noticed the replacement also wasn't there - but she was on his. Same old story.

Don't let this person control your happiness. Block her, block him, start looking forward not backwards, you deserve better than being manipulated like this.

[hope2727]

Trappedinlove,

I am sorry you are sad. Thank you for sharing your story. Yes the whole Facebook things is exhausting. Mine posted pics of us on his all the time. But he liked to keep all his exe on there and point out when they commented on our photos. ugg. Now he has taken all photos of us down. On the other hand first he wanted me to go everywhere and show me off and then for the past year completely avoided taking me around his friends. Maybe he took someone else around them who know.

As for wishing you well yup thats hard. Its like when they say "I'll just hurt you so I am going to break up with you". How about just don't hurt us? How about just be a decent human being? How about respect and dignity and honesty and honour? Oh wait that is to hard for them.

So yes you are sad. Of course you are sad. I am sod too. No matter how well you are doing losing something that means so much to you is sad. Knowing someone you care about suffers (even at their own doing) is sad. Realizing the dreams you had together are and were impossible is sad. So grieve it. Fell it and experience it. DOn't be like them and let it drown you but do experience it.

I read somewhere that emotions are like waves on the ocean There will always be another one coming. Some are tiny lapping at the band. Some are huge crashing on the beach. But there will always be another wave. So we all have to experience these waves of emotion but we can choose which ones to surf.

As for work. Sigh I don't know. Thats a tough one. We spend so much time there. If you are deeply unhappy I'd try to move on. Change what you can and accept the rest right?

[hope2727]

Holy moley, sorry about the typos bud.  Its super early here and I have to be up and out the door by 6 to make it to my dreaded job. I come here and "treat" myself to reading a few posts to keep my courage up. To remind me that I am not alone. To keep me from calling him sobbing and pleading to come home.

So I apologize for  the sleep and exhaustion ridden post.

Just know you are not alone and that posting your story gave me strength today. I will make it until lunch today because you told us you were sad and that feels like I am allowed to be sad too. Then I will read some more posts to make it until supper.

So good look at work. Hopefully we can both have good days.   

[Mutt]

Like, if you really care for me and care about my happiness, it's quite simple (if you're normal) - just be there for me as a true friend.  It doesn't take much... .

Hi trappedinlove,

I may want to hold off on looking for a new project at work. You may not be ready for change yet as there's a transitional period with new projects, demands etc. It might be better to start feeling better. Just a thought.

That's a tall order to ask someone with a mental illness. She has her own issues and difficulties. She may want to meet you full way and can't. Do you think perhaps that your looking at her in the context of a healthy person? Have you come to accept that she's mentally ill?

[jammo1989]

My ex has hidden her relationship status, shes blocked me, and shes yet to have a picture taken with the new guy (2 and a half months into their relationship) he also deleted one of my mutual friends i have with him (im guessing my ex told him to un friend him) she posts things on his face book like i cant wait to see you later or love you BUT you can only see them statuses if your friends of friends.  So my point here being if she loves this guy, why the privacy? its like she makes sure he hides certain posts from her unless someone sees it.  They also made their FB profiles open on the same day after being set to private for 2 weeks.  Its like shes so determined to not let me know or see that shes moved on.  If i had a new gf id be open about it, who cares what an ex thinks right? so why all the effort to hide her new relationship? 

[Blimblam]

Hi trappedinlove

Happy birthday. I am happy for you to be In a new rs that you are happy with it gives me hope.

What I find is for me certain emotions trigger memories in me and them I project it onto objects. A pwBPD objectifies themself so they become an easy and familiar target for these emotions to attach to.

It seems to me you went looking for something with your ex to attach these emotions to. Emotions can be confusin and they seek out a story to attach to for the mind to make sense of it. You have identified situations at work that are triggering these emotions. The fact you attached them to your ex as part of the story may indicate a connection to earlier memories in your life that are in your unconcious mind. The reason I say that is because a pwBPD so seem to tap into our archIac memories and attach to them and we project that story onto them when we are in the rs. This seems like an opportunity to do some archeological digging into your memories to resolve some past issues from your early formative years of possibly childhood.

[Hawk Ridge]

I appreciate the content of this thread, especially the discussion about odd facebook behavior and it's impact on my replacement. 

[DivorcedNon]

Be glad it's not you man.

At this stage of the game you really should be moving to no contact.

The sadness will pass.

Read this aloud! This is your mantra. It will help you. I would also tell you to focus on yourself not her.

[trappedinlove]

The oh so common no evidence of relationship on her Facebook.

For a second,  imagine how that makes her new boyfriend feel... .

He's in a relationship with someone who is ashamed of him.  And he's in fog but deep down he knows it and it will be eating away at him, destroying his pride,  destroying his self worth.

He's playing the game with himself asking why she won't have a picture of her and him as her profile pic etc. And she'll be gaslighting him with a ridiculous excuse as to why,  and making him feel guilty for asking

Be glad it's not you man.

When we were closer I was all over her facebook by the way.  Part of the idealization phase I suppose.

Alas, I was the replacement

I feel so ashamed of it in retrospect.  She was in a r/s that didn't work well and as far as I knew and felt, I saved her from this relationship and eventually even indirectly helped them get back together for a while as she made a lot of progress on her issues.

I wish her and them well (the new bf is a cool dude actually.  I've met him a couple times on unrelated circumstances that I shared a bit in a different thread... .) and it sadness me to see that since I care about her but also,  after sleeping on this for a couple days -

it hurts my self-esteem.  I feel rejected and devalued by this.  Like, you chose this sick new life over being in a relationship with me, while I offer you true, unconditional love, so much understanding, and compassion... . Well, there it is... .That's her choice for whatever reasons and she's entitled to it and it is sad that this is the case.  I need to continue grieving over it and I know I'm healing and it takes time.  It's a long process.

At this stage of the game you really should be moving to no contact.

The sadness will pass.

True.  One thing I learned is not to fight it.

I let myself feel the pain and go through it until it fades away and passes.

And at the same time I do work on the obsessive parts in me that for some reason do not let go completely and keep me in this circle of pain.

We are in LC for a long while now.

I hate the idea of blocking and I'd rather face the pain than run away from it.

I'm strong enough to deal with it.

I did unfollow her and our shared friends on facebook so I don't have it in my face and I work on my urge to peek and see what's going on there.  It's hard since I did remain good friends with some of them (others did pick a side and are much less in contact with me since she moved).  Eventually, if this doesn't work out well enough for me I'd consider deactivating my fb account.  Could be the best way to deal with this addiction

[hope2727]

I feel rejected and devalued by this.  Like, you chose this sick new life over being in a relationship with me, while I offer you true, unconditional love, so much understanding, and compassion... .

That is exactly how I feel. Sigh. Yes it took me a long time to block mine on Facebook too. I finally did and it was kind of a relief. Now I have to unfriend someone in real life who was my best friend and is apparently now his. IT was the ultimate triangulation. Ugg. Now this 'friend' is prying for gossip all the time. Its exhausting and sad.

I miss mine and if he were truly receiving I would try again with him ( he is in therapy) but from all apparent evidence its not being very effective. So I have to just keep on with my life and send him prayers and peace. Meanwhile  I have sad days too. What was to be our wedding day is coming up and that is going to be a tough one. I am thinking there will be some red wine and chocolate  therapy involved on that day.

Meanwhile I hope you are feeling better today. Its going to be a beautiful one here so I am heading to work but also to enjoy the fall weather. Hugs to you all.     

[trappedinlove]

So sorry you feel sad  Please consider blocking both form your FB. You have no obligation to be friends with this person who can only cause you pain.

Mine also refused to put anything about me on her FB - her reasoning was it was "childish".  Before going NC, I noticed the replacement also wasn't there - but she was on his. Same old story.

Don't let this person control your happiness. Block her, block him, start looking forward not backwards, you deserve better than being manipulated like this.

Well, it's not about me anymore... .  Since I posted this I have no desire to look at her profile and to find out about her new life.

Feels like I did make a step forward towards detachment.  I guess there will be setbacks in the future but overall it feels like the right direction.

Regarding blocking, it doesn't feel right for me.  It's superficial and the mental work is what counts.  I might block her but not lose the cravings and then any future contact will be a trigger but facing my addiction and not giving up to it mentally will eventually truly release me - that's how I feel.  It might be the harder way but it feels right way to me... .

[trappedinlove]

Holy moley, sorry about the typos bud.  grin Its super early here and I have to be up and out the door by 6 to make it to my dreaded job. I come here and "treat" myself to reading a few posts to keep my courage up. To remind me that I am not alone. To keep me from calling him sobbing and pleading to come home.

So I apologize for  the sleep and exhaustion ridden post.

Just know you are not alone and that posting your story gave me strength today. I will make it until lunch today because you told us you were sad and that feels like I am allowed to be sad too. Then I will read some more posts to make it until supper.

So good look at work. Hopefully we can both have good days.   Doing the right thing

Thanks so much Hope.  Posting here and getting everybody's support did help

and things do feel better a week after

Trappedinlove,

I am sorry you are sad. Thank you for sharing your story. Yes the whole Facebook things is exhausting. Mine posted pics of us on his all the time. But he liked to keep all his exe on there and point out when they commented on our photos. ugg. Now he has taken all photos of us down. On the other hand first he wanted me to go everywhere and show me off and then for the past year completely avoided taking me around his friends. Maybe he took someone else around them who know.

As for wishing you well yup thats hard. Its like when they say "I'll just hurt you so I am going to break up with you". How about just don't hurt us? How about just be a decent human being? How about respect and dignity and honesty and honour? Oh wait that is to hard for them.

I can definitely relate to that.  In the idealization phase I was put on a pedestal and she showed me off to everybody.  Sort of a new "toy friend" now that I look at it in retrospect and over time maybe she got disappointed from the reality of things and devalued me internally and eventually felt rejection towards me and them painted me black.  Before she went NC, she did share with me some of the negative feelings she started feeling and told me she hopes this will turn around.  After one of our meetings after we broke up she told me she hopes things will return to where they were in the past but she felt so much tension between us.  Anyhow, the bottom line is that she didn't sound like she had any control over it.  Part of being a pwBPD

So yes you are sad. Of course you are sad. I am sod too. No matter how well you are doing losing something that means so much to you is sad. Knowing someone you care about suffers (even at their own doing) is sad. Realizing the dreams you had together are and were impossible is sad. So grieve it. Fell it and experience it. DOn't be like them and let it drown you but do experience it.

I read somewhere that emotions are like waves on the ocean There will always be another one coming. Some are tiny lapping at the band. Some are huge crashing on the beach. But there will always be another wave. So we all have to experience these waves of emotion but we can choose which ones to surf.

Thanks. I really like that comparison.

Choosing what emotional wave to surf is skill I can surely improve.

As for work. Sigh I don't know. Thats a tough one. We spend so much time there. If you are deeply unhappy I'd try to move on. Change what you can and accept the rest right?

Right.  It's more personal in this case since I was personally involved in building the company from day one but in principle it's still the case.  And I'm ready to accept reality and move on so there's an opportunity to be true to myself and do the right thing for me at the moment.

[trappedinlove]

Like, if you really care for me and care about my happiness, it's quite simple (if you're normal) - just be there for me as a true friend.  It doesn't take much... .

Hi trappedinlove,

I may want to hold off on looking for a new project at work. You may not be ready for change yet as there's a transitional period with new projects, demands etc. It might be better to start feeling better. Just a thought.

Hi Mutt.  I need to do things in parallel in this case.  Making the change and standing up for myself at work will empower me too.

That's a tall order to ask someone with a mental illness. She has her own issues and difficulties. She may want to meet you full way and can't. Do you think perhaps that your looking at her in the context of a healthy person? Have you come to accept that she's mentally ill?

That's a very valid point.  I kind of go back and forth on this one.

There are moments I completely accept her disorder and expect nothing "normal" from her

and there are moments I am looking at her in the context of a healthy person, as you so correctly observed.

Reality is not black and white either... .She is highly functional and on the spectrum of a perfectly healthy person (who is, really?) and a complete nut case, she is somewhere in the middle, with ups and downs... .

My insight from this event is that I do not want a piece of her sick reality.  I just don't want to be there, despite the feelings I still may have for her.

[trappedinlove]

My ex has hidden her relationship status, shes blocked me, and shes yet to have a picture taken with the new guy (2 and a half months into their relationship) he also deleted one of my mutual friends i have with him (im guessing my ex told him to un friend him) she posts things on his face book like i cant wait to see you later or love you BUT you can only see them statuses if your friends of friends.  So my point here being if she loves this guy, why the privacy? its like she makes sure he hides certain posts from her unless someone sees it.  They also made their FB profiles open on the same day after being set to private for 2 weeks.  Its like shes so determined to not let me know or see that shes moved on.  If i had a new gf id be open about it, who cares what an ex thinks right? so why all the effort to hide her new relationship? 

I know.  It's quite bizarre and complex... .

But not my problem or yours anymore

I try to focus on my reaction to her behavior rather than on trying to understand or affect it in any way.

[trappedinlove]

Hi trappedinlove

Happy birthday. I am happy for you to be In a new rs that you are happy with it gives me hope.

Thanks Blimblam! 

What I find is for me certain emotions trigger memories in me and them I project it onto objects. A pwBPD objectifies themself so they become an easy and familiar target for these emotions to attach to.

It seems to me you went looking for something with your ex to attach these emotions to. Emotions can be confusin and they seek out a story to attach to for the mind to make sense of it. You have identified situations at work that are triggering these emotions. The fact you attached them to your ex as part of the story may indicate a connection to earlier memories in your life that are in your unconcious mind. The reason I say that is because a pwBPD so seem to tap into our archIac memories and attach to them and we project that story onto them when we are in the rs. This seems like an opportunity to do some archeological digging into your memories to resolve some past issues from your early formative years of possibly childhood.

Correct.  That's part of the work I did in therapy.  Observe and identify the triggers and see the FOO behind them.

We've unearthed several issues, including co-dependency traits and issues related to validation of pain and acknowledgement from my childhood.

[trappedinlove]

Be glad it's not you man.

At this stage of the game you really should be moving to no contact.

The sadness will pass.

Read this aloud! This is your mantra. It will help you. I would also tell you to focus on yourself not her.

Yeah, that's obvious.  But our emotional mind sometimes refuses to follow simple logic

Be glad it's not you man.

I had the belief I am her savior and I could fix her.

She made enormous progress while we were together and had probably one of the best periods of her life.

So it still makes me sad in a few ways:

a. I refuse to believe sometimes it wouldn't be different with me

b. I'm sad to have lost the opportunity to be there for her.  I care about her and I want to help her

c. My compassion and actual help wasn't reciprocated.  It feels like ___.  I feel used and I deserve better. So it makes me sad to subject myself to that and be in this position.

[trappedinlove]

I feel rejected and devalued by this.  Like, you chose this sick new life over being in a relationship with me, while I offer you true, unconditional love, so much understanding, and compassion... .

That is exactly how I feel. Sigh. Yes it took me a long time to block mine on Facebook too. I finally did and it was kind of a relief. Now I have to unfriend someone in real life who was my best friend and is apparently now his. IT was the ultimate triangulation. Ugg. Now this 'friend' is prying for gossip all the time. Its exhausting and sad.

I'm glad for you that you were able to detach and it's so frustrating you had to unfriend in real life someone you considered to be your best friend.

That's a real bummer... .

I miss mine and if he were truly receiving I would try again with him ( he is in therapy) but from all apparent evidence its not being very effective. So I have to just keep on with my life and send him prayers and peace. Meanwhile  I have sad days too. What was to be our wedding day is coming up and that is going to be a tough one. I am thinking there will be some red wine and chocolate  therapy involved on that day.

Meanwhile I hope you are feeling better today. Its going to be a beautiful one here so I am heading to work but also to enjoy the fall weather. Hugs to you all.      

Thank you much Hope!

For me, I choose to move on and not take part of her unhealthy life.

I know I will be there for her as a friend if she makes a genuine change. That's me... .

but the way things are right now any contact between us doesn't work for either one of us... .