Waif/Hermit vs Queen/Witch

[Depression = 72% of members]

This topic was brought up on another thread. Seemed like an interesting topic. As a non if you're involved with one type of BPD it's hard to relate to the other.

My experience was with a Waif/Hermit. My uBPDxw never Raged at me. As a matter of fact we hardly ever argued in our 20 years together. She totally engulfed me with her VICTIMHOOD early in our relationship to get me hooked. Once she had me into a serious relationship/Marriage all the stories of her being a victim went away. What I didn't realize was that she stopped telling ME she was a victim of others and started telling other people that she was a victim OF ME! I had absolutely no Idea this was going on as she was a CHAMELEON. She kept up appearances when she was with me but I found out (after divorce) that she had several affairs on me, telling these other men the same exact stories that she told me years ago to get them to feel sorry for because she was being abused by me  

This made the break up such a Mind F¥€K. I TRUELY loved her up until the day I caught her in bed with my neighbor and beyond as I tried to forgive her and reconcile. It was surreal because I had NO IDEA what was going on all around me. She was such a lying/manipulative creature that she had me totally fooled. I almost wonder if I would have been better off if she was a Queen/Witch BPD and raged at me. At least I would have known where I stood. As it was the person I THOUGHT I loved and cherished NEVER existed... .It's like I was brainwashed by an evil genius... .That's hard to recover from!

Would love to hear from others and how their experiences were and how it relates to the opposite type of BPD.

MWC... .

[mywifecrazy]

This topic was brought up on another thread. Seemed like an interesting topic. As a non if you're involved with one type of BPD it's hard to relate to the other.

My experience was with a Waif/Hermit. My uBPDxw never Raged at me. As a matter of fact we hardly ever argued in our 20 years together. She totally engulfed me with her VICTIMHOOD early in our relationship to get me hooked. Once she had me into a serious relationship/Marriage all the stories of her being a victim went away. What I didn't realize was that she stopped telling ME she was a victim of others and started telling other people that she was a victim OF ME! I had absolutely no Idea this was going on as she was a CHAMELEON. She kept up appearances when she was with me but I found out (after divorce) that she had several affairs on me, telling these other men the same exact stories that she told me years ago to get them to feel sorry for because she was being abused by me  

This made the break up such a Mind F¥€K. I TRUELY loved her up until the day I caught her in bed with my neighbor and beyond as I tried to forgive her and reconcile. It was surreal because I had NO IDEA what was going on all around me. She was such a lying/manipulative creature that she had me totally fooled. I almost wonder if I would have been better off if she was a Queen/Witch BPD and raged at me. At least I would have known where I stood. As it was the person I THOUGHT I loved and cherished NEVER existed... .It's like I was brainwashed by an evil genius... .That's hard to recover from!

Would love to hear from others and how their experiences were and how it relates to the opposite type of BPD.

MWC... .

[Pingo]

Hi MWC, I love your avatar!  My exh was a waif/hermit as well but at times switched to a king (although later in the r/s).  I think I was attracted mostly to the hermit as I am also a hermit to a point.  The waif was the part that lured me in as his caretaker.  He had the perfect waif story: A childhood of physical abuse, a brain injury that almost killed him 10 yrs ago and left him with retrograde amnesia.  The waif got really strong about 8 mths in to the r/s as he became injured at work and had to go off on disability.  This is when he moved in with me.  I know what you mean about being a chameleon, that is the part that is most confusing.  I would wonder, which is the 'real' him?  I wanted to believe the real him was the sweet loving man who had some issues b/c of his painful past and with enough love and tenderness he would put his issues behind him and we would be happy (yep I was a dreamer!).  But then there was the other part of him that I couldn't ignore.  He did rage at times although his usual tactics were days-long silent treatments.  He was very covert in his abuse and intimidation and had me totally in deep FOG.  Truthfully I was scared of him and still am.  When I ended the r/s I found out he had been lying to me about stuff and was in contact with his exgf and actually lived with her when we split the first time, never telling me!  I was so shocked, I had no idea he was capable of this type of betrayal or deceit.  I was also brainwashed by an evil genius!  The master manipulator!  Ironic as he was so jealous, possessive and suspicious of me and smothered me half to death.  All projection now I realise.  He was the one with the dirty secrets.

[Infern0]

I have been involved with both types.

The waif was certainly worse and more painful because I honestly didn't think her capable of hurting me.

The queen was different,  even though the start of the relationship was quite similar in how it begun,  I could see the way she treated other people and so it wasn't quite as big a shock when she eventually turned on me

Also at the end of the waif R/S I was totally souk destroyed,  at the end of the queen RS I was a rage monster

It's true you end up mirroring them

[Deeno02]

Where can i find those descriptions of waif etc. Again?

[Pingo]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61982.0

[Take2]

My ex seemed to start out like a hermit.  He even described himself that way to me.  He seemed like a sweet guy and I fell for his stories that painted himself the victim of his past r/s.  One year in was his first full blown rage.  The longer I've known him (5 years now), the worse his rages get.  He's a frightening person.  It is hard to relate to the other side of the coin in those who have been involved with someone who never rages.  I can see how that might hurt so much worse because it catches you more off guard.

But the damage caused by the rages is something I continue to try and fix inside myself.  Along with the parts that were already broken enough in my to cause me to beg an abusive man to stay with me over and over.  Unbelievable stuff !

[Blimblam]

I think have the capacity for all the subtypes within them.

The waif though.  The waif!

She enticed me with the siren as te waif.  She had queen reserved for whomever she painted black. I saw the witch once through a picture message when I accused her of being a liar and told her goodbye.

My first BPD ex was the quiet type siren dominant waif.

The waif dominant hurt me exponentially worst.

[mywifecrazy]

My ex seemed to start out like a hermit.  He even described himself that way to me.  He seemed like a sweet guy and I fell for his stories that painted himself the victim of his past r/s.  One year in was his first full blown rage.  The longer I've known him (5 years now), the worse his rages get.  He's a frightening person.  It is hard to relate to the other side of the coin in those who have been involved with someone who never rages.  I can see how that might hurt so much worse because it catches you more off guard.

But the damage caused by the rages is something I continue to try and fix inside myself.  Along with the parts that were already broken enough in my to cause me to beg an abusive man to stay with me over and over.  Unbelievable stuff !

Even though I never experienced the rages as I was with a Waif. I don't underestimate the damages caused by that kind of constant abuse as I read Many stories on here about how MEN were beaten down emotionally by the rages of Queen/Witch BPD spouse. Men actually scared of their wives. That's someting I can't relate too.

MWC... .

[Blimblam]

My ex seemed to start out like a hermit.  He even described himself that way to me.  He seemed like a sweet guy and I fell for his stories that painted himself the victim of his past r/s.  One year in was his first full blown rage.  The longer I've known him (5 years now), the worse his rages get.  He's a frightening person.  It is hard to relate to the other side of the coin in those who have been involved with someone who never rages.  I can see how that might hurt so much worse because it catches you more off guard.

But the damage caused by the rages is something I continue to try and fix inside myself.  Along with the parts that were already broken enough in my to cause me to beg an abusive man to stay with me over and over.  Unbelievable stuff !

Even though I never experienced the rages as I was with a Waif. I don't underestimate the damages caused by that kind of constant abuse as I read Many stories on here about how MEN were beaten down emotionally by the rages of Queen/Witch BPD spouse. Men actually scared of their wives. That's someting I can't relate too.

MWC... .

I think it has to do with what kind if abuse you are primed to deal with. The queen triggers me to leave i find it repulsive. It is a much less subtle form of abuse.

I eventually began to fear my waif. She transitioned to queen but she had the subtle mess of the waif who I believe to be the most skilled manipulator.

[mywifecrazy]

the waif who I believe to be the most skilled manipulator.

I wholeheartedly agree with that statement BlimBlam! It's SCARY when I think about all the energy and deception that went into my uBPDxw's manipulation of me and others... .SCARY!

And on the outside she appears to be a sweet innocent little girl to everyone that doesn't know who she really is... .Again... .SCARY!

MWC... .

[Springle]

I'm really unsure what my pwBPD was, I'm still a bit hazy on the sub-types and I think most pwBPD can be all of those things. Like chameleons they adapt to the situation and people they are surrounded by/want to hurt.

I would say mostly waif but I could see Queen coming out and being more predominant the more you got to know her.

For me? She was very waif, she preyed on my emotional state and need for support, she painted a victim image of herself for me to identify with and trust; luring me in and getting me to care for her and embrace her as a person whom I clearly had a lot of emotional turmoil in common with... .before she sunk her fangs in like a big trap door spider and left me to die.

I don't know what she is like with my non-ex but I know part of the reason he liked me so much was because I was going through a hard time when he met me and my ex before was physically abusive; he definitely had grand ideas of being my white knight. I would think she tempted him with the same 'woe is me' attitude but I think as it moves on and she becomes more 'confident' in a relationship she becomes much more Queen like. He's done loads of things in this r/s in such a short space of time that are really out of character, impulsive and complete contradictions of what he wanted (things that he was very rigid on and played huge parts in why we broke up), his boundaries have completely crumbled it would seem. I would take a guess it would be her demanding ways that have led him to completely flip his life.

His mother, who I think is an uBPD is definitely a Hermit, and somewhat Queen or even Witch!

[Blimblam]

I think there is a subtype we should add to the mix. The golden child.  Their was a phase durring idealization that was pure and true was giving and not manipulation.

[Deeno02]

I think have the capacity for all the subtypes within them.

The waif though.  The waif!

She enticed me with the siren as te waif.  She had queen reserved for whomever she painted black. I saw the witch once through a picture message when I accused her of being a liar and told her goodbye.

My first BPD ex was the quiet type siren dominant waif.

The waif dominant hurt me exponentially worst.

Mine hit all stages as we progressed in the year and a half. And im a basketcase because of it.

[peiper]

I think there is a subtype we should add to the mix. The golden child.  Their was a phase durring idealization that was pure and true was giving and not manipulation.

I have to agree with this though it sure seemed to end quickly, but I just cant pinpoint when it did.

[Harri]

I'm just going to chime in here with a bit more detail/clarification--->  Actually the term golden child is already used to describe the child who is painted white/split good in 'Understanding the Borderline Mother'.  Being the golden child is no picnic either as the abuse is still present but in a much more covert way.  According to lawson, the golden child is destined to be co-dependent and the split black child/scapegoat is more likely to be BPD later in life.  I do not agree with her statements.  The golden child often goes through life with everything handed to them, being praised for mediocre performance and is frequently parentified and subjected to emotional incest.  Sometimes the split black child is better off as they are forced to fend for their own and tend to split away from the BPD parent sooner.  Then of course you have the kids who are alternately split white and black, which is, in my opinion, the biggest mind ___ of all.  I just wanted to clarify the term.

IMO, being painted white/idealized as an adult in the beginning of the relationship is just as disordered as when you are painted black later on.  It has nothing to do with being honest or dishonest; all of the emotions are genuine, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  The love is genuine and so is the hate.

The other thing to think about is that they can be different depending on who the other person is.  So they can be waif needing to be rescued by SO and queen/witch with a child or co-worker.  The categories are not all neat and tidy. 

[ajr5679]

I'm just going to chime in here with a bit more detail/clarification--->  Actually the term golden child is already used to describe the child who is painted white/split good in 'Understanding the Borderline Mother'.  Being the golden child is no picnic either as the abuse is still present but in a much more covert way.  According to lawson, the golden child is destined to be co-dependent and the split black child/scapegoat is more likely to be BPD later in life.  I do not agree with her statements.  The golden child often goes through life with everything handed to them, being praised for mediocre performance and is frequently parentified and subjected to emotional incest.  Sometimes the split black child is better off as they are forced to fend for their own and tend to split away from the BPD parent sooner.  Then of course you have the kids who are alternately split white and black, which is, in my opinion, the biggest mind ___ of all.  I just wanted to clarify the term.

IMO, being painted white/idealized as an adult in the beginning of the relationship is just as disordered as when you are painted black later on.  It has nothing to do with being honest or dishonest; all of the emotions are genuine, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  The love is genuine and so is the hate.

The other thing to think about is that they can be different depending on who the other person is.  So they can be waif needing to be rescued by SO and queen/witch with a child or co-worker.  The categories are not all neat and tidy. 

I would agree with you . my ex had two kids, her son was the golden child . she would always say she felt sorry for him. but she also would run away from him more than she did anyone. he was always the best. but he was never the best kid he would start fires , abuse animals get in fights . he became the school bully  all before the age of ten.

he started smoking weed and drinking by this age also. she would leave him with his dad because she said that her girlfriend could not get along with him and he was mean. now that I no better it is because she could not deal with him. 

the first day she brought him to my house at the age of 14 he was drinking vodka from the bottle and smoking weed.

this is when she started acting out and ran back to her ex girlfriend but still lived with me and son because her son wanted to stay with her. he was trying to clean himself up but the better he got the worst she ran.

so he just quit and took his rage out on me.

now her daughter did not do anything but run to the first guy that was just like her mother. she is not on drugs never abused animals she just wants her mother to love her. she is codependent

everybody feels sorry for her son but he has abused everybody in his family to the point that they don't want him around.   

now the daughter is the one mother paints black all the time uses her. it is just all screwed up . it is a wonder that both of theses kid made it to 18. the son has tried everything to kill himself even jumped off a roof before because of his mother and farther. the son has never been wrong it is always someone else's fault .my ex said that she is his victim . but I am the one that was in the hospital for three days because of his abuse.

he is BPD .

[ajr5679]

i always thought my ex was a waif . she was a high functioning BPD . she took pride in being able to tell people she had BPD. (i never told her the truth about how i felt about high functioning BPD= psychopath ) i did tell her i was addicted to her. she would tell me that all of her ex`s were addicted to her.

my ex like to make me feel important in the beginning . it was like she saved me .

then i feel this was too much for her, she made it seem like i was there to take care of her needs and screw mine. (which i did)

she was always the victim . but she did admit to cheating on her ex`s. (because they cheated on her.) it was always there fault.

she began always telling me how  bad i  was to her, but then the next day she loved and i was her best friend.

she was not one on fighting but would rage if she felt i needed to be put in my place. she would always tell me i was acting like one of her ex`s .

but when she painted you black she turned into the devil. her face would change and she would not even talk to you anymore. or she would be a smart a s s . this is when i always would just go crazy because this is when the name calling came . and she would make sure everybody knew that you hurt her. she was very controlling . if you did anything to rock the boat boy it was not fun. and by the time she was done with you . you wanted to die.

this is how every relationship she has ever been in goes

1) sweet loving caring you feel like you went to heaven

2) she is bored . you playing the push and pull.

3) u realize you are now going straight to hell.

4) she is a psychopath npd.

5) you are in the mental hospital, shaking.

6) now you wonder what the hell happened and why is it all your fault.

then she hugs you and walks out of your life... .

(three relationships and everyone of us has went to the mental hospital. one of them actually has a permanent twitch after dating her. and the other woman attempted suicide and the cops were called, during which my ex laughed about it, then there is me... .)

[Mutt]

I have been involved with both types.

The waif was certainly worse and more painful because I honestly didn't think her capable of hurting me.

The queen was different,  even though the start of the relationship was quite similar in how it begun,  I could see the way she treated other people and so it wasn't quite as big a shock when she eventually turned on me

Also at the end of the waif R/S I was totally souk destroyed,  at the end of the queen RS I was a rage monster

It's true you end up mirroring them

Hi Infern0,

I would like to echo what you said about anger at the end of the r/s. I felt like I became a very angry man whereas as I'm pretty level headed and come before the r/s and now. I felt so different and angry.

Having said that, I saw all subtypes. Two more dominant sub-types later on. Queen / Witch. It was Foreverdad that mentioned in the subtype workshop that once a H stands up to the Queen, he gets blasted in front if the children.

I went through that very experience when out of frustration I put my foot die and said. Enough is enough. My poor kids saw her emasculate dad in front of them with her vitriol. Thankfully for them I was all black and took the brunt of all of her anger. She took her focus off of her D which had been split black which was good. I was like a lightning rod for her rages.

From my experience. The two people that were mistreated, abused and attacked were the ones that had a voice and stood up. My SD and myself.

What I didn't realize was that she stopped telling ME she was a victim of others and started telling other people that she was a victim OF ME! I had absolutely no Idea this was going on as she was a CHAMELEON.

Hi mywifecrazy,

This is tough. I share a similar experience. Your wife wasn't being a chameleon here. She was triggered and she was walking around with conflicted feelings of shame and guilt with the affair.

Her turning on you and her telling other people she was the victim of you was a distortion campaign. She was feeling anxiety and stress. I was distorted as having been abusive on so many levels to her and the kids. Emotional, physical, financial etc etc.

The truth has a way of working it's way out. There are two sides to every story. I'm sorry that you had to go through this.  It's difficult and personally I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Did you lose friends and family members?

[Infared]

This topic was brought up on another thread. Seemed like an interesting topic. As a non if you're involved with one type of BPD it's hard to relate to the other.

My experience was with a Waif/Hermit. My uBPDxw never Raged at me. As a matter of fact we hardly ever argued in our 20 years together. She totally engulfed me with her VICTIMHOOD early in our relationship to get me hooked. Once she had me into a serious relationship/Marriage all the stories of her being a victim went away. What I didn't realize was that she stopped telling ME she was a victim of others and started telling other people that she was a victim OF ME! I had absolutely no Idea this was going on as she was a CHAMELEON. She kept up appearances when she was with me but I found out (after divorce) that she had several affairs on me, telling these other men the same exact stories that she told me years ago to get them to feel sorry for because she was being abused by me  

This made the break up such a Mind F¥€K. I TRUELY loved her up until the day I caught her in bed with my neighbor and beyond as I tried to forgive her and reconcile. It was surreal because I had NO IDEA what was going on all around me. She was such a lying/manipulative creature that she had me totally fooled. I almost wonder if I would have been better off if she was a Queen/Witch BPD and raged at me. At least I would have known where I stood. As it was the person I THOUGHT I loved and cherished NEVER existed... .It's like I was brainwashed by an evil genius... .That's hard to recover from!

Would love to hear from others and how their experiences were and how it relates to the opposite type of BPD.

MWC... .

You describe what I "think" I experienced in my relationship.  It is so hard to believe sometimes that this is true. I doubt my sanity, but in reading what you have written I know that I am not the only one.  She was so adept at the deceit that it is hard to believe someone that you love would act this way.  So hard to digest... .and soo upsetting when you start to "get" it.  

[Infern0]

Mutt,  when I was in RS with queen type BPD,  she drove me to violence twice.

Now I would never hit a woman so I first time went outside the house and punched a brick wall in breaking both of my hands. The second time I smashed up a chest of drawers.

I totally lost it and I am a guy who has it together and has never raged like that in my life.

My queen used to push me towards anger,  she said it "turned her on" when I got mad. It was really sick.

I used to box and she knew I could handle myself and had a reputation and she used me against her enemies and turned me into an agressive bully. Told me stories of bad things her ex had done to her so I saw him in town and kicked his chair out from under him and threaten to knock his teeth out.

Then she told me her exes dad had touched her inappropriately and we saw him in a pub we were in and she asked me to get rid of him for making her feel uncomfortable so I told him to get out or I'd knock him out. And this is a guy who I don't doubt was innocent.

Also our flatmate was trying to warn me about her so she got me to threaten him and kick him out of our flat.  I spoke to him after the breakup and he turned to drink for a while though he forgave me as I apologized and he said he knew that I wasn't myself but he couldn't get through to me

What else did I do... .intimidate her exes friends,  cut off my own parents Er drop out of uni because I couldn't cope... .

I'm not proud of what I did but I had no control,  she just transformed me into a very nasty dangerous person.  

It's funny because now I'm actually wondering if the queen was worse than the waif.  I'm so damaged from my last two relationship with pwBPD.

Don't think I ever want to date again

[neverloveagain]

Fear the waif the silent assasin.

[mywifecrazy]

Hi mywifecrazy,

This is tough. I share a similar experience. Your wife wasn't being a chameleon here. She was triggered and she was walking around with conflicted feelings of shame and guilt with the affair.

Her turning on you and her telling other people she was the victim of you was a distortion campaign. She was feeling anxiety and stress. I was distorted as having been abusive on so many levels to her and the kids. Emotional, physical, financial etc etc.

Did you lose friends and family members?

Everyone's different. In my case I think she was being a chameleon. Up to the last day she was acting happy and content when she was with me and the kids but when away from the family she was using all her manipulating/deceitful powers to lead other people into thinking she was living in a house of horrors. She new what she was doing. I've had many people come up,to me after the fact to fill me in on her behaviors. One of them was so convinced that they gave her a # to contact an officer in the domestic violence decision... .To this day I'm surprised that I never got a knock on the door from the police. Mutt, in my case I think the distortion campaign started before the affairs (plural). I don't think she started distorting because of shame but to create herself a victim to lure in someone to attach to. I do agree with you that she distorted during and after the affairs out of shame and guilt.

You describe what I "think" I experienced in my relationship.  It is so hard to believe sometimes that this is true. I doubt my sanity, but in reading what you have written I know that I am not the only one.  She was so adept at the deceit that it is hard to believe someone that you love would act this way.  So hard to digest... .and soo upsetting when you start to "get" it. 

Yes Ifared I think we were both victims of the same type of WAIF BPD. I've read a lot of your posts and its eerily similar what we've both been through.

Told me stories of bad things her ex had done to her so I saw him in town and kicked his chair out from under him and threaten to knock his teeth out.

Then she told me her exes dad had touched her inappropriately and we saw him in a pub we were in and she asked me to get rid of him for making her feel uncomfortable so I told him to get out or I'd knock him out. And this is a guy who I don't doubt was innocent.

What else did I do... .intimidate her exes friends,  cut off my own parents Er drop out of uni because I couldn't cope... .

I'm not proud of what I did but I had no control,  she just transformed me into a very nasty dangerous person. 

I know exactly how you feel. My uBPDxw had me furious at her ex boyfriend, co-workers, her family that I was at the verge of harming them to defend her. I can't believe how gullible I was and didn't question her stories because it seemed that where ever she turned she was abused. But hey I was a naive young man in his 20's. I didn't know anything about BPD and didn't think people would lie about such things.

It also gives me reason to pause as my uBPDxw is now across the street with my neighbor who is into hunting and has many guns. He used to be a friend but turned on me overnight as she was telling him stories about me. I can see in his eyes the same look that I had when I was under her spell... .Scary!

MWC... .

[mywifecrazy]

Fear the waif the silent assasin.

Yes the Silent Assasin. Very skilled at their craft!

[freedom33]

I have seen all of these aspects in her. When I was feeling strong she 'd play the hermit/waif type. When she would feel a bit more confident and secure she 'd play the queen/witch aspects. Basically her pull was the hermit/waif and the push would come out through her witch aspects. But I bet that with some other guy she would exhibit a different mix. Whatever works.

[Mutt]

I'm not proud of what I did but I had no control,  she just transformed me into a very nasty dangerous person.  

It's funny because now I'm actually wondering if the queen was worse than the waif.  I'm so damaged from my last two relationship with pwBPD.

Don't think I ever want to date again

Infern0,

We all do things we're not proud of. Our exes knew what buttons to push. Don't be hard on yourself.

If I gave into my exes demands, things were relatively quiet. That's nit a sign of a healthy relationship if you're submissive. I felt like she was a child that pushed boundaries and lashed out when you spoke up again dysfunctional actions and behaviors. We just get ramming heads.

I know how to deal with her now, I don't let her have the upper-hand and I disengage from the drama. The general theme with the Queen is control, let me do what I want irregardless of my actions and consequences on others, it's about me!

I didn't know how to deal with a Queen then, I don't think that you did either. You are not that man in the r/s. It would be a dis-service for you to not date again. Don't close your heart because of the Waif or Queen.

[Blimblam]

I have seen all of these aspects in her. When I was feeling strong she 'd play the hermit/waif type. When she would feel a bit more confident and secure she 'd play the queen/witch aspects. Basically her pull was the hermit/waif and the push would come out through her witch aspects. But I bet that with some other guy she would exhibit a different mix. Whatever works.

Yes I noticed this as well!

What I do nottice is they have dominant subtypes and they do adapt to other people.  

After me my ex attached to a girl with histrionic narc tendencies.  I notticed my ex taking on queen/siren persona but this was not her dominant type at all.

She hurt me with the queen/and te silent witch but it was very tactful manipulation. I had never had red flags if this side of her earlier in the relationship. It was a more subtle manipulation her being the quiet type. While with her friends that have BPD traits but

More on the narcisistic spectrum this side of them is somewhat clear in their character so they in my opinion were more superficial and I would not allow myself to open my heart the way I did to my waif ex.

What I notticed my ex do is hang around people with those dominant traits and she adapted them to hurt me. A sort of way of keeping the waif innocent because those were traits she borrowed from other people.

[clydegriffith]

My ex seemed to start out like a hermit.  He even described himself that way to me.  He seemed like a sweet guy and I fell for his stories that painted himself the victim of his past r/s.  One year in was his first full blown rage.  The longer I've known him (5 years now), the worse his rages get.  He's a frightening person.  It is hard to relate to the other side of the coin in those who have been involved with someone who never rages.  I can see how that might hurt so much worse because it catches you more off guard.

But the damage caused by the rages is something I continue to try and fix inside myself.  Along with the parts that were already broken enough in my to cause me to beg an abusive man to stay with me over and over.  Unbelievable stuff !

This!

I was very afraid of my BPDx. I even carried a card in my wallet that said if anything ever happens to me she did it. Of course you have to keep all of this bottled up inside because i today's culture its unthinkable that a little tiny girl like her can hurt a big old guy like me. It only added to the mental torment.

Even though I never experienced the rages as I was with a Waif. I don't underestimate the damages caused by that kind of constant abuse as I read Many stories on here about how MEN were beaten down emotionally by the rages of Queen/Witch BPD spouse. Men actually scared of their wives. That's someting I can't relate too.

MWC... .

[peiper]

My ex was all, which kept me in constant confusion. I never really knew who I was dealing with. One min I would think things were good and all the fires were put out and then someone else showed up in her body.