Journal 5 weeks after B/U, 18 days NC

[Deeno02]

Journal: Slept well for a change. No dreams of her. Still a little wrapped around the axle a bit, but not to bad. Still think about her and him. Not a good feeling. Feel a little lost. Thinking about how this all went from the start. Remember not thinking I was good enough for her when this all began. I didnt make first move, she did. Low self esteem lead me down this path. I was a complete gentleman. Held her doors open, seated her first, paid for most stuff, held her hand all the time. sigh. Who would want me? Damaged goods after divorce. Well, she did. Now it dawns on me that we fed off each other. Her separated, near divorce, no job, life is chaos,mother of 5, me still licking the wounds of a divorce I never wanted and wondering how to get back into some sort of life. Well, she made the move, I fell for it hook, line and sinker. Felt compelled to stay since here I was with this beautiful girl who needed me and wanted me. After all, who would want me?Hindsight, we moved way to fast as I reflect on it. Didnt feel worthy of having her so I played along because I wanted to. I felt good. We felt good. Why would she want me? Im full of tattoos, not refined, not much of a fancy dresser, but she did. Now I know why. I built her back up, gave her confidence again, loved her and her kids, encouraged her for new opportunties for her career, was there for her during her separation, divorce and mom's death. Seems like I was kept away from her friends for a reason. Feel so damn used. She didnt love me at all. I was useful. It's funny, we used to joke about me being useful. Im a useful idiot. Gotta get through volleyball season... .

[Mutt]

Hi Deeno02,

I'd like to start by saying divorce is tough, real tough. I think it's the second most stressful life event in life other than the passing of a loved one. On top of that, you were going through a divorce that you didn't want. I'm sorry to hear that.

I'm happy that you're getting your feelings out. Just a thought, I think you're being a little too hard on yourself.

I don't think that you fell for anything. The idealization of a borderline is very powerful stuff, it feels intoxicating, especially when your going through a difficult life event, it sort of washes the pain away.

[Deeno02]

Hi Deeno02,

I'd like to start by saying divorce is tough, real tough. I think it's the second most stressful life event in life other than the passing of a loved one. On top of that, you were going through a divorce that you didn't want. I'm sorry to hear that.

I'm happy that you're getting your feelings out. Just a thought, I think you're being a little too hard on yourself.

I don't think that you fell for anything. The idealization of a borderline is very powerful stuff, it feels intoxicating, especially when your going through a difficult life event, it sort of washes the pain away.

Thanks Mutt,

I had 2 years in my divorce when I met her while she was separated/going through divorce. I did fall for the waif. Knight in shining armor thing. I served by purpose to her. Got her through a divorce, death of a parent, alimony issues, kid issues, helped her get her career back on line for coaching and now put out to pasture for someone one more her style (bald lurch looking guy... what the heck?). It is rough and trying to make sense of it is killing me. and your right, it is addicting... .

[Mutt]

Well, is it safe to say even 2 years into your divorce it's still tough? I'm almost at 2 years seperation / divorce and it's still a transitional phase and not always an easy one. The dust will settle at some point I'm sure.

It's not always outside appearances that matter, there's more than meets the eye. You're a pretty stand-up guy for having done all of those things, divorce, death of a parent. Those are some big life events. You were there.

Starting her carreer back-up and kid issues. You moved mountains for this woman. Give credit where credit is due. You're a good man. Do you think perhaps you're being a little too hard on you? Like you're not good enough?

[Deeno02]

Well, is it safe to say even 2 years into your divorce it's still tough? I'm almost at 2 years seperation / divorce and it's still a transitional phase and not always an easy one. The dust will settle at some point I'm sure.

It's not always outside appearances that matter, there's more than meets the eye. You're a pretty stand-up guy for having done all of those things, divorce, death of a parent. Those are some big life events. You were there.

Starting her carreer back-up and kid issues. You moved mountains for this woman. Give credit where credit is due. You're a good man. Do you think perhaps you're being a little too hard on you? Like you're not good enough?

I do. First my wife divorced me, then my girlfriend BPD kicks me to the curb. She said I was unlovable, incapable of love and emotion. Just took the wind out of my sails. I don't think I was good enough for her. Never face booked relationship status, no pictures of us, only met her friends 4 times in a year and a half. Never did couples things, I wasn't good enough. She wasn't proud to show me off. Hurts thinking you were nothing but a fill in.

[Mutt]

She said I was unlovable, incapable of love and emotion. Just took the wind out of my sails. I don't think I was good enough for her.

You felt like you were invisible, that's tough.

What does a borderline feel? Feelings of low self worth, low self esteem. Feelings of shame and guilt. Not knowing who they are, an unstable sense of self.

Her version of the relationship is very different than yours.

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

If you believe that your BPD partner was experiencing the relationship in the same way that you were or that they are feeling the same way you do right now, don’t count on it. This will only serve to confuse you and make it harder to understand what is really happening. When any relationship breaks down, it’s often because the partners are on a different “page” – but much more so when your partner suffers with borderline personality disorder traits. Unknown to you, there were likely significant periods of shame, fear, disappointment, resentment, and anger rising from below the surface during the entire relationship. What you have seen lately is not new - rather it’s a culmination of feelings that have been brewing in the relationship.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality#2

A borderline "projects" her feelings on loved ones and family members. Do you feel that what she says of you to be true?

Got her through a divorce, death of a parent, alimony issues, kid issues, helped her get her career back on line for coaching

^ I think it takes a lot of emotions, love to do what you did ^

I think there's a bit of a role reversal here. You're feeling and believing some of her projections. Projection is taking a negative emotion or action and attributing that to someone else. Those feelings really belong to her. You may want to do some PI work later and dig into your own stuff in regards to your marriage and your borderline gf to see what the attractionwas.

Do you think you may be buying into her projections?

[Deeno02]

She said I was unlovable, incapable of love and emotion. Just took the wind out of my sails. I don't think I was good enough for her.

You felt like you were invisible, that's tough.

What does a borderline feel? Feelings of low self worth, low self esteem. Feelings of shame and guilt. Not knowing who they are, an unstable sense of self.

Her version of the relationship is very different than yours.

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

If you believe that your BPD partner was experiencing the relationship in the same way that you were or that they are feeling the same way you do right now, don’t count on it. This will only serve to confuse you and make it harder to understand what is really happening. When any relationship breaks down, it’s often because the partners are on a different “page” – but much more so when your partner suffers with borderline personality disorder traits. Unknown to you, there were likely significant periods of shame, fear, disappointment, resentment, and anger rising from below the surface during the entire relationship. What you have seen lately is not new - rather it’s a culmination of feelings that have been brewing in the relationship.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality#2

A borderline "projects" her feelings on loved ones and family members. Do you feel that what she says of you to be true?

Got her through a divorce, death of a parent, alimony issues, kid issues, helped her get her career back on line for coaching

^ I think it takes a lot of emotions, love to do what you did ^

I think there's a bit of a role reversal here. You're feeling and believing some of her projections. Projection is taking a negative emotion or action and attributing that to someone else. Those feelings really belong to her. You may want to do some PI work later and dig into your own stuff in regards to your marriage and your borderline gf to see what the attractionwas.

Do you think you may be buying into her projections?

in my marriage, i was the fixer, protector. My wife was a narsassic.  Always center of attension... me me me. We would go out and she would become a freak show and just killed my fun, so i would have to play protector to her drunk obnoxious self. She said i was no fun. I couldnt have fun because i had to babysit. Well she ran off with our friend who was in a band and now they are married. My BPDgf made me feel worthless. In a year and a half i only met her friends 4 times, usually very large events where i disappeared. Hardly any introductions to anyone, no couples things, no nothing. 98% always us together, no friends. No relationship status on Facebook, no pictures of us on Facebook, no nothing. Didnt seem proud to show me off as i was of her. Projection? Maybe. In some of the other relationship things were i was belittled and shut out of things that i think were i was being devalued.  Ignored my affections, made fun of me when i was sick, but i was always there for her fibromyalgia,  or if her kids were sick or injured, including late at night. I dont know Mutt.

[Mutt]

Projection is one BPD behavior.

You're describing narcissism. She sounds Queen / Witch, BPD / NPD.

[Deeno02]

Projection is one BPD behavior.

You're describing narcissism. She sounds Queen / Witch, BPD / NPD.

Seemed very waif like at begining.  Very clingy, needy, very affectionate first 6-7 months, then as she started becoming more of involved in coaching,  her confidence grew and i seemed to be not as needed anymore. Everytime i tried to get involved with the kids, taking them to their practices, i was told no, she had it taken care of. Yelled at for trying to help her serve food to her kids, yelled at for trying to put a trash bag in, yelled at for trying to take trash out, yelled at for not spending enough time with her, yelled at for not buying her gifts, yelled at for spending time with my kids or taking care of my house... .never ended.

[Mutt]

I am happy to report that I didn't scream or yell... .I didn't scold or lecture.  Usually I stop her when she says slightly irrational things.

I can relate. The waif needs to be rescued. She needs a White Knight.

From my experience, all of the subsets were there; Queen, Witch, Waif, Hermit.

she had it taken care of.

The Queen is controlling. Narcissism can play into the Queen.

yelled at for not buying her gifts, yelled at for spending time with my kids

The Queen needs the attention to be on her. The devaluation phase is very difficult. You can't do anything right. The way that you look at her, or the way that you put a trash bag in. It's confusing behavior, why is she acting this way? Is there something wrong with me? It takes its toll on your self esteem.

[Deeno02]

quote author=Mutt link=topic=235023.msg12510513#msg12510513 date=1413411673]

I am happy to report that I didn't scream or yell... .I didn't scold or lecture.  Usually I stop her when she says slightly irrational things.

I can relate. The waif needs to be rescued. She needs a White Knight.

From my experience, all of the subsets were there; Queen, Witch, Waif, Hermit.

she had it taken care of.

She hurt my daughter by calling her a cock block and calling my daughter my wife. My daughter loved her more than her own mother. She loved being a role model for my BPDgf's 8 year old daughter. It was a shame.[


The Queen is controlling. Narcissism can play into the Queen.

yelled at for not buying her gifts, yelled at for spending time with my kids

The Queen needs the attention to be on her. The devaluation phase is very difficult. You can't do anything right. The way that you look at her, or the way that you put a trash bag in. It's confusing behavior, why is she acting this way? Is there something wrong with me? It takes its toll on your self esteem. [/quote]

[Deeno02]

Sorry screwed up the reply... .

She hurt my daughter by calling her a cock block and calling my daughter my wife. My daughter loved her more than her own mother. She loved being a role model for my BPDgf's 8 year old daughter. It was a shame.