my shame? her shame? whose shame?

[caughtnreleased]

After a few months of NC and LC, I recently spent more time with my uBPD mom, and I've not come out of it unscathed, but rather I'm feeling terribly ashamed of myself... .I'm a little confused as to whether it's my shame, or her shame... .  She told me a story about how in her childhood she was neglected by her parents to the point that she rarely washed and even developed scabies, and told me several disgusting and unpleasant stories of skin problems due to poor personal hygiene in her childhood.

She also started to criticize many things about me, something she does to everyone, so I technically should be able to rise above it but I'm now struggling with it.  She criticized my home, my hair, my skin, etc... .all sort of mean comments about me... .and I am feeling ashamed as a result of it.  I'm trying to understand why I am so affected by this.  I mean, I know she's not well, but her comments are so personal and really make me feel disgusted with myself.  She's a mean and unpleasant person.  I actually feel sorry for her... .so why am I so affected by these comments? Because I really am feeling ashamed about my skin, and hair, and home... .it's an AWFUL feeling.

The night she told me about her childhood neglect, I had a dream that a guy, who I am interested in but am feeling insecure about because he has a lot of things going for him, was trying to be affectionate with me and trying to get my attention but I kept pulling away from him because I felt disgusted with myself, I felt dirty.  It's really a terrible feeling actually... .

Until this, I was not aware of feeling ashamed of myself, and so I'm trying to understand if I'm feeling my mothers shame? Or is it my shame? The thing about this shame, is that it's just a general feeling of being dirty and ashamed... .there's nothing specific about it, or about something I did. Until recently, I was actually feeling quite good about myself.  I've been in really great shape, etc.  I don't really know what to link this shame to... .or how to get over it... .all I know is that I now feel disgusted with myself, and through my dream I understand how it can be so crippling and prevent me from connecting with people. I'm thinking I'm going to have to go back to low contact... .I feel like I've just taken a step backwards.  :'(

[MaybeSo]

Because I really am feeling ashamed about my skin, and hair, and home... .it's an AWFUL feeling.

Yes, it’s an awful feeling.

This sounds like emotional contagion and projective identification.  Your mom has a lot of shame from childhood abuse and trauma, and she just projected onto you. She’s yourmom, you have your own history with her, thus you are susceptible to it.  It’s understandable.  I’m sorry.  Shame is inherent in trauma…and it can be contagious.

What to do?   I would smudge my house and myself.  Burn some sage or incense all around and get the bad juju off you and out of your home. Seriously.   If you are spiritual or religious, I would pray or meditate and ask for strength in wishing her well and acknowledge this person is gone and is powerless to harm you any longer.  Then express gratitude that it is done. I would imagine a protective clear bubble around you that protects you from unwanted outside influence or contagion.  And do really kind things for the next week or so for yourself ….and treat yourself with compassion, always.   You should start to feel much better soon.

[Blimblam]

I'm sorry

I can relate my mom is a pwBPD as well the bond and guilt creates a bridge to displace her inner shame into you and know you posses and are responsible for processing it. What has helped me is to process the somatic sensations of it just feel the pain and try to let go of the story the emotion attaches to.

[MaybeSo]

What has helped me is to process the somatic sensations of it just feel the pain and try to let go of the story the emotion attaches to.

Yup, this can be really helpful too,  if you can tolerate it…this is more leaning into the discomfort…and it can be very helpful…but feels very counterintuitive at first and can take some practice for distress tolerance.

I hope you are doing better. 

[caughtnreleased]

Hi thank you. Can you elaborate on how exactly how to do this?

What has helped me is to process the somatic sensations of it just feel the pain and try to let go of the story the emotion attaches to.

Yup, this can be really helpful too,  if you can tolerate it…this is more leaning into the discomfort…and it can be very helpful…but feels very counterintuitive at first and can take some practice for distress tolerance.

I hope you are doing better. 

[Pingo]

Until this, I was not aware of feeling ashamed of myself, and so I'm trying to understand if I'm feeling my mothers shame? Or is it my shame?

I'm sorry that you are going through this with your Mom.  Could it be shame that you are remembering from your childhood that maybe you forgot or tried to distance yourself from? 

I know with myself, my Mom can say something and it sends me right back to that feeling of utter shame and helplessness I felt as a child.  She triggers in me what I have not faced about my past.  My mom was sexually abused (incest) and she told me all about it since I can remember.  The result of this oversharing is that I grew up feeling like I was the one incested.  Somehow I took on her pain.  According to my T this is common. I am currently NC with my Mom, have been for almost 5 yrs and I wish I could be in a place where I could try to have some kind of r/s with her and not feel like I'm drowning but I am not strong enough for that, at least right now. 

[Blimblam]

Hi thank you. Can you elaborate on how exactly how to do this?

What has helped me is to process the somatic sensations of it just feel the pain and try to let go of the story the emotion attaches to.

Yup, this can be really helpful too,  if you can tolerate it…this is more leaning into the discomfort…and it can be very helpful…but feels very counterintuitive at first and can take some practice for distress tolerance.

I hope you are doing better. 

What I do is lay down and close my eyes. Sometimes I turn on some music that triggers deep emotions in me.  Then I just focus on feeling my body.  Locating the tension and anxiety and focusing on feeling it.

It is not easy and it takes practice. There is an internal struggle once it is identified somatically, then surrendering to it, this can be overwhelming. Then accepting it and feeling it fully.

Another practice is when you wake up in the morning go back to sleep for another 2 hours then you can confront these emotions in your dreams and the emotions will be personified and take on symbols.

[caughtnreleased]

Hi thanks for the feedback.  Blimblam, it sounds like you are proposing a form of mindfulness meditation and simply acknowledge how this feeling of shame makes me feel?

Pingo, thank you for sharing your experience.  Indeed, my mother severely overshares... .about everything, including bodily functions etc, and everytime she goes into descriptions of her childhood it makes my skin crawl... .

I am not sure if I have shame that I am unaware of.  I think I was perhaps aware that there was something wrong with my mother when I was little, as I consciously rejected many things... .including many of her stereotypical body image comments she would have made to me, so I think I tried really hard to cultivate confidence in myself, especially where body image is concerned, which is why I am confused as to why I am vulnerable to her comments now, more than before. Perhaps I have felt some of this shame before, but was unable to be conscious about it... .I am now feeling better about myself, but still, it is such a hard place to climb out of in order to become healthy, and interact with and attract healthy people around me.  I feel that simply acknowledging all these weaknesses of mine is actually helpful.  I used to think I was an exceptionally strong person, and that meant I could handle these BPD types. And now... .I see that I'm not.  I think it's really one of the first times I sit down and say... .Woa, I feel shame, except I can't pinpoint the reason... .because I feel dirty and unworthy.  Hmmm... .I suppose it's about acceptance. Accepting yourself... .Athough I do think aromatherapy and meditation would help... .it's helped me before... .thanks all for your helpful advice.  I am feeling a bit better... .but, that little voice of shame is still there so I'm gonna have to take a really good long look at it.

[Blimblam]

Hi thanks for the feedback.  Blimblam, it sounds like you are proposing a form of mindfulness meditation and simply acknowledge how this feeling of shame makes me feel?

Pingo, thank you for sharing your experience.  Indeed, my mother severely overshares... .about everything, including bodily functions etc, and everytime she goes into descriptions of her childhood it makes my skin crawl... .

I am not sure if I have shame that I am unaware of.  I think I was perhaps aware that there was something wrong with my mother when I was little, as I consciously rejected many things... .including many of her stereotypical body image comments she would have made to me, so I think I tried really hard to cultivate confidence in myself, especially where body image is concerned, which is why I am confused as to why I am vulnerable to her comments now, more than before. Perhaps I have felt some of this shame before, but was unable to be conscious about it... .I am now feeling better about myself, but still, it is such a hard place to climb out of in order to become healthy, and interact with and attract healthy people around me.  I feel that simply acknowledging all these weaknesses of mine is actually helpful.  I used to think I was an exceptionally strong person, and that meant I could handle these BPD types. And now... .I see that I'm not.  I think it's really one of the first times I sit down and say... .Woa, I feel shame, except I can't pinpoint the reason... .because I feel dirty and unworthy.  Hmmm... .I suppose it's about acceptance. Accepting yourself... .Athough I do think aromatherapy and meditation would help... .it's helped me before... .thanks all for your helpful advice.  I am feeling a bit better... .but, that little voice of shame is still there so I'm gonna have to take a really good long look at it.

I don't know mindfulness perhaps.

It is what it is. Mindfulness tends to focus on staying present in concious awareness. What I am proposing is the opposite. Let the mind go and just focus on the somatic sensations attached to the emotion. Nothing else. No breath focus just the emotions and where they are felt in the body. The best times is after you wake up and do it as you fall back asleep.  Them the dream you have is about this trauma and you can actively work through the unconcious mind and symbols of it while being semi lucid. The emotions themselves will personify into archetypeical dream characters hat can be confronted and made to tell you what the issue is. 

It takes practice and I am getting better at it. The thing to look for is the grin.  When the dream character fools you they smirk and grin like the chechire cat that is the trickster and the trickster shifts shapes and speaks in half truths. The truths the trickster tells you are connected to shame. Remember they are half truth half lie and they are connected to the half truths half lies we tell ourself in our concious awareness

[Pingo]

Hi thanks for the feedback.  Blimblam, it sounds like you are proposing a form of mindfulness meditation and simply acknowledge how this feeling of shame makes me feel?

Pingo, thank you for sharing your experience.  Indeed, my mother severely overshares... .about everything, including bodily functions etc, and everytime she goes into descriptions of her childhood it makes my skin crawl... .

I am not sure if I have shame that I am unaware of.  I think I was perhaps aware that there was something wrong with my mother when I was little, as I consciously rejected many things... .including many of her stereotypical body image comments she would have made to me, so I think I tried really hard to cultivate confidence in myself, especially where body image is concerned, which is why I am confused as to why I am vulnerable to her comments now, more than before. Perhaps I have felt some of this shame before, but was unable to be conscious about it... .I am now feeling better about myself, but still, it is such a hard place to climb out of in order to become healthy, and interact with and attract healthy people around me.  I feel that simply acknowledging all these weaknesses of mine is actually helpful.  I used to think I was an exceptionally strong person, and that meant I could handle these BPD types. And now... .I see that I'm not.  I think it's really one of the first times I sit down and say... .Woa, I feel shame, except I can't pinpoint the reason... .because I feel dirty and unworthy.  Hmmm... .I suppose it's about acceptance. Accepting yourself... .Athough I do think aromatherapy and meditation would help... .it's helped me before... .thanks all for your helpful advice.  I am feeling a bit better... .but, that little voice of shame is still there so I'm gonna have to take a really good long look at it.

In reading what you have wrote, I see you as a very strong, courageous person.  You are confronting your deepest feelings and challenging old beliefs and stories.  I think this is incredibly brave.  So many people drift through life never lifting their heads out of the clouds.  This is hard work you are doing, this process of grieving and healing.