talking to friends?

[jedimaster]

In all our years of marriage, one of the few things my uBPDw and I have been consistent with is that we don't air our dirty laundry.  We have successfully kept our difficulties off of social media and not shared them with casual acquaintances, etc. 

When I figured out that we were dealing with BPD, I decided that this time I was not going to go it alone.  I have gone in strict confidence to my parents and our adult son and discussed the situation with them, only to discover they had mostly figured it out for themselves and were wondering when I'd catch on 

Anyway, I'm starting to piece together that my wife is beginning to talk to people outside our relationship, people that previously we would not have told about our personal or marriage issues.  I am concerned about this and am trying to figure out what, if anything, I should do.  One in particular, is an acquaintance whom we have known for a while but have only recently begun to have more interaction with them  My wife made the comment yesterday that our friend had been sharing some of her previous marital issues and apparently my wife decided to return the favor with some comments about us. 

I'm not so much concerned about her "tarnishing my image," so to speak, but I'm annoyed that (a) neither of us has ever done this to the other before, and (b) this is a nice friendship and I hate to see it spoiled.  Also my wife has in the past falsely accused me of affairs or wanting to have affairs, and I suspect that she is trying to "poison the well" with this friend to head off (in her mind) any imaginary affair.

Any thoughts on how to handle this?  Should I ignore it, or should I look for an opportunity to explain some of the situation to our friend and let her know that things my wife tells her may not always be as presented? 

In the larger context of our relationship this particular instance is not a major deal, but I'm concerned that my wife may have decided on a new tactic.  I hate to think I'm going to have to start going around behind her reassuring people I'm not a monster 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

 

If you have to reassure people that you are not something... .you've already lost that battle. 

Just be who you are... .if you get asked about something... .make sure you understand it... .then think about it... .respond at later date.

So... a friend approaches you and says... .your wife says you did xyz... .  you say... "so... let me understand... ."... .

Once you are sure you have the story correct... .

Thank them for the question and let them know you will discuss this with them later... .that you would like to consider this carefully... .

Post that stuff here and get advice... .

[Jessica84]

I'm new to the concept, but it seems JADE applies here? Do not:

Justify - Argue - Defend - Engage

I've found that whenever I've been accused of something I haven't done, I tend to JADE all over the place to the point of looking like I DID do it! If I'm not actually guilty, I try to keep my responses simple now with something like "no, that isn't true" or "I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer". And leave it at that. Just practicing this I've learned it works pretty well with nons and BP's alike!

[hope2727]

Man I wish I had read this before he left me. He actually told me that he liked it better web I didn't explain myself because it made me look guilty in his eyes.

[Mr. Solo]

I don't know if this applies to your situation but my dBPDw began doing that when she was setting me up so she could leave and look like the victim. I didn't know until it was too late. She went from friend to friend b___ing about me for a few months prior to breaking the news to me she was leaving. Many of our mutual friends knew she was lying but there were a few that she had managed to isolate from me that believed her and became her supporters when she left. She systematically discarded any friend or family member that didn't believe her. She is down to two friends now and they both live a two hours away.

[Jessica84]

I'm sorry Hope. We're only human. When someone accuses us, it's only natural for our defense mechanisms to kick in. Learning not to JADE takes practice. I love this principle in theory. I'm not so good at it yet in practice. When I'm being outright attacked or falsely accused, it is extremely difficult to keep my emotions in check enough to not feel the need to over-explain or defend myself... .maybe it gets easier with practice?

Jedimaster - it's good that you try to keep your marital life private from others. Try not to worry too much about what the mutual friends are being told. Sounds like your wife trusts these people enough to share this part of her life. Hopefully they realize there are 2 sides to every story. Wait and see if they approach you first. If you need to defend yourself in the future against imaginary affairs, stay calm and maybe state your case to them with a short, sweet response? Or laugh it off with "are you kidding? look how beautiful my wife is. I would never do that." That should end any suspicions!

[formflier]

maybe it gets easier with practice?

It does... .hang in there... and keep trying.

Post about your attempts here... .there are many that will help you

[jedimaster]

Thanks everyone.  Good advice all around.  This friend is no dummy, so I'm probably worrying over nothing.  And yes Jessica, my wife really is beautiful so that answer would definitely be believable. (She's 50; looks about 35 and gets told that all the time.)  And JADEing is one of my weaknesses, so thanks for the reminder about that.  

Thanks for the warning, Mr. Solo.  At the moment I'm not too worried about her leaving, as that would take away her ability to threaten me with it   But she has made ridiculous accusations of me having or wanting to have affairs several times, and in her mind I am still infatuated with these people, none of whom I have the slightest interest in or ever did.  So my suspicion is that she thinks she can head off yet another imaginary affair by telling the friend what a louse I am.  On second thought, while I hate it for our friend, maybe having her think I'm a jerk is preferable to being accused of wanting to sleep with her.   I think I'll leave things be for now.

[formflier]

 

When she suggests to you that you are after such and such woman... .ask her... "help me understand how you know this... ."

Then... listen for things to validate... .not things to argue with.

This has been my tactic and has made things better... .

Talking them out of these thoughts is not a good plan... .you want to find out what is under the accusation... .

[hope2727]

help me understand how you know this

Wow what a good sentence. I hope you don't mind if I steal it. Not that my pwBPD is speaking to me at the moment. But I have siblings this would be useful with. 

Thanks for the insight. I learn so much from everyone here.

[Grey Kitty]

while I hate it for our friend, maybe having her think I'm a jerk is preferable to being accused of wanting to sleep with her.   I think I'll leave things be for now.

Your position sounds good. I do have one concern for you:

This sort of behavior (on your wife's part) can continue and likely escalate. There is one aspect of this that is important for you to stop now, before it goes farther:

Do not let her isolate you from friends and family. If one at a time she finds some reason to object to this person and pushes you (one way or another) to reduce or eliminate contact with them, you will eventually find yourself alone except for her, and on the receiving end of steadily worsening treatment from her.

[jedimaster]

Thanks, Grey Kitty.  Now that I am learning more about BPD and am more aware of what is happening, I am making an effort not to allow this to happen.  In this particular situation the person is not a family member or close friend.  But it is the first time I have become aware that she is saying things about me to people we both know.  She has for a long time claimed to have a group of "girlfriends" to whom she tells all her relationship problems and of course they all agree that I'm a total jerk.  I've never actually seen any evidence that any of these people exist, and I wonder if it's not something she made up.  This is the first time she has referred to an actual person whom I know and whom I come in contact with on occasion.  I'm trying to determine if it's a one-off or some new trend.  I will definitely be attentive from this point on to see if there is some kind of pattern developing.

In the past she has been more focused on cutting herself off from her own family as opposed to cutting me off from anyone.  She has basically disowned her only sister and vows that when their mother passes she is going to cut off all contact and claim to be an only child.  I would hope at some point I could explain to her sister what is going on, but I'm going to tread lightly because the sister and her children are not known for being subtle or discreet.  At this point it's way too risky that they would say something or otherwise rock the boat.  Nevertheless I hate to see them not understanding why she is determined not to have anything to do with them. 

[Grey Kitty]

I'm glad she's not isolating you--it sounds like this really isn't worth fighting over.

Still... .when living with someone who has this sort of mental illness, it is important to be vigilant for ways your boundaries are pushed back.

First you cave on things that mean nothing.

Then you cave on things that aren't very important.

Then you cave on things that aren't worth fighting over.

Then you cave on things you should have been fighting over... .

Direct conflict isn't the solution, and I'm absolutely not recommending you try something different in this case.

... .but back to your actual question:

What to do when she tells people stories of horrible things that you didn't actually do?

First pass: Don't worry too much--she may not be telling as many people as you think. Trust that many people have enough skepticism to not take it at face value, at least without asking you.

Second pass: Whatever you do, don't JADE. (Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain) We tell you not to do this with your wife, because it is invalidating and just makes things worse when you do it to a pwBPD. Also don't do it to friends or family--It also doesn't help your credibility.

Any discussion of this may well lead you in a direction of speaking about your wife's mental illness. If you do, describe her behavior, not her intentions and thoughts. I'd also go lightly with references to mental illness, general or specific.

"I have no idea why she thinks I'm having an affair with X." is better than an explanation based on her BPD with people. It may be appropriate to acknowledge that she has accused you of the affair.

And as for her family or her friends: I wouldn't talk to them unless you have a strong personal relationship with them. If you do... .expect either a reaction like your parents and adult son... .or something probably bad and driven by their own mental illness!

Besides... .it sounds unlikely that her family will influence her in any positive direction.