Cried at Work ; The On-going Thrill of Healing from a BPD Relationship

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

In a regular break-up, things get addressed and moved on.

A year after leaving the BPD relationship, when I think something has been integrated or addressed, something else comes along to remind me of whats happened.

There was an incident at work, something small, and I stood up for myself. And, though I didn't get in trouble, I was in trouble.

While my female supervisor was talking with me, I started shaking, and although I did my best, tears started leaking out of my eyes.

And, the supervisor was fine, she was just direct and honest and spot on.

What freaked me out was that I had an emotional reaction, that being assertive for myself caused so much confusion, and that in trying to explain myself struggled so much.

The PTSD from the BPD relationship springs up at unexpected times and in ways that cannot be anticipated or controlled.

I felt so vulnerable, and so much of the emotional debris rose to the surface.

How am I supposed to become assertive again, and not be terrified of being punished or humiliated?

This is not belief structures, its _HARDWIRED_ into me and that is what distresses me.

Regardless of my intention and hopes to heal, the damage from relating to a BPD is still present. No matter what I have done this past year, I still have uncontrollable fear responses.

[Artisan]

In a regular break-up, things get addressed and moved on.

A year after leaving the BPD relationship, when I think something has been integrated or addressed, something else comes along to remind me of whats happened.

There was an incident at work, something small, and I stood up for myself. And, though I didn't get in trouble, I was in trouble.

While my female supervisor was talking with me, I started shaking, and although I did my best, tears started leaking out of my eyes.

And, the supervisor was fine, she was just direct and honest and spot on.

What freaked me out was that I had an emotional reaction, that being assertive for myself caused so much confusion, and that in trying to explain myself struggled so much.

The PTSD from the BPD relationship springs up at unexpected times and in ways that cannot be anticipated or controlled.

I felt so vulnerable, and so much of the emotional debris rose to the surface.

How am I supposed to become assertive again, and not be terrified of being punished or humiliated?

This is not belief structures, its _HARDWIRED_ into me and that is what distresses me.

Regardless of my intention and hopes to heal, the damage from relating to a BPD is still present. No matter what I have done this past year, I still have uncontrollable fear responses.

[SpringInMyStep]

Awwww hugs! Sorry you had such a scary time at work. I had a similar thing happen though it was at home over the weekend and I started crying and breathing heavy.

Do you have a therapist? I strongly recommend one. It sounds like you were with your BPD much longer than I was, so I know there's a lot to work through. This stuff is not your fault. There are tools to help you deal with these situations when they come up.

[Caredverymuch]

In a regular break-up, things get addressed and moved on.

A year after leaving the BPD relationship, when I think something has been integrated or addressed, something else comes along to remind me of whats happened.

There was an incident at work, something small, and I stood up for myself. And, though I didn't get in trouble, I was in trouble.

While my female supervisor was talking with me, I started shaking, and although I did my best, tears started leaking out of my eyes.

And, the supervisor was fine, she was just direct and honest and spot on.

What freaked me out was that I had an emotional reaction, that being assertive for myself caused so much confusion, and that in trying to explain myself struggled so much.

The PTSD from the BPD relationship springs up at unexpected times and in ways that cannot be anticipated or controlled.

I felt so vulnerable, and so much of the emotional debris rose to the surface.

How am I supposed to become assertive again, and not be terrified of being punished or humiliated?

This is not belief structures, its _HARDWIRED_ into me and that is what distresses me.

Regardless of my intention and hopes to heal, the damage from relating to a BPD is still present. No matter what I have done this past year, I still have uncontrollable fear responses.

Im sorry and understand.  Its the PTSD we have from the BPD r/s. As you continue to work through and heal you may not feel the same reaction.  Our bodies react to situations that trigger the subconscious of the trauma we endured.  I've noticed in the last few mos that I no longer have a racing heartbeat after being triggered. It takes time. Be gentle w yourself. It will come.

[sirius]

Hugs to you Artisan, I totally can relate. It happens to me too

You can Imagine me as a CEO of a construction company and when I was at the site among the men of mens, my tears flowed down in a middle of a discussion when I was like 2 months post b/up. At that point I apologized and realized that I am a total wrecked and called my T immediately.

Now, 8 to 9 months post b/up, I am even much more calmer and stoic in any bad situation, seems that after getting out of it, i became much more stronger in terms of emotions.

[RedDove]

Sorry you are feeling that way Artisan.   I experienced the same in my job/career. I "had" a high level position in a major corporation. Being with my ex BPDbf towards the end sent me off the deep end. To the point where I was trying to be assertive at work because I felt out of control with my ex BPDbf. In the end, I was laid off and lost my job. It happened two weeks before I discoverd my ex BPDbf's lies and cheating. I've been out of work for several months now. It's very difficult and hard. Feel like the rug got ripped out from under me. But, also I am grateful to have this time to myself for recovery.

I understand how our encounters with our BPD ex's shakes the very foundation of our cores. I am a very sensitive, caring and loving person. Which is why I've had to delve into my FOO issues of being the mediator, caretaker and rescuer in life. I have to find a balance with protecting my boundaries and not allowing anyone to emotionally abuse me in the future in a r/s or in my career.

[SpringInMyStep]

Sorry you are feeling that way Artisan.   I experienced the same in my job/career. I "had" a high level position in a major corporation. Being with my ex BPDbf towards the end sent me off the deep end. To the point where I was trying to be assertive at work because I felt out of control with my ex BPDbf. In the end, I was laid off and lost my job. It happened two weeks before I discoverd my ex BPDbf's lies and cheating. I've been out of work for several months now. It's very difficult and hard. Feel like the rug got ripped out from under me. But, also I am grateful to have this time to myself for recovery.

I understand how our encounters with our BPD ex's shakes the very foundation of our cores. I am a very sensitive, caring and loving person. Which is why I've had to delve into my FOO issues of being the mediator, caretaker and rescuer in life. I have to find a balance with protecting my boundaries and not allowing anyone to emotionally abuse me in the future in a r/s or in my career.

Wow, that's hard! I'm sorry that happened but yes, you're right about having time for yourself now. This is turning out to be a longer process than I thought. It's going to take a while to figure out who we are outside of the context of taking care of a toxic person.

[Artisan]

Thank you all for the supportive words. Its really helpful.

It is true that the reactions get less and less. In theory, its a gift to have this stuff rise to the surface because then it can be addressed and integrated.

The surprise of when it happens out of the blue, and having to face the truth that there is still some more internal stuff to do ... .just a mixed bag of feelings.

And in public, with strangers ... .that just made me feel vulnerable and kind of stupid. I'm the only non-military man in this office. Its just a balancing act, what kind of man admits to other men or an employer that they are having an emotional reaction because their ex-woman emotionally and verbally beat the life out of him?

We were only together for 9 months, yet I was totally open with her and still feel that bond even a year later.

When these things happen, though I know it is part of the healing process, the feeling of being broken and not a man arises.