Who the heck are we anyhow?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I contemplated putting this under 'personal inventory' but I thought us at this leaving board could use some objectivity.

I'm reading the book "Should I stay or should I go" by Lundy Bancroft.  I have already left but I thought I might find something useful in the book in retrospection which I have.

The chapter is about figuring out what our needs are, what our dreams and desires are.  This is difficult when we have lost our own identities trying to turn into a pretzel to please our SOs.  In reeling from the end of our r/ss, we are left to pick up the pieces of our lives and figure out what we need for healing and happiness.

The exercise in the book is called "YOU ARE VALUABLE, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS". 

With or without a partner to engage you, you exist FULLY. 

1. What qualities do you possess?

2. What skills do you have?

3. What is it in your life that makes you most proud?

4. What do you find most attractive about yourself?

5. When are you most funny?

6. If you are a parent, what do you do well as a parent?

These are important questions to ask ourselves to help us remember who we are.  I'll go first.

[Pingo]

I contemplated putting this under 'personal inventory' but I thought us at this leaving board could use some objectivity.

I'm reading the book "Should I stay or should I go" by Lundy Bancroft.  I have already left but I thought I might find something useful in the book in retrospection which I have.

The chapter is about figuring out what our needs are, what our dreams and desires are.  This is difficult when we have lost our own identities trying to turn into a pretzel to please our SOs.  In reeling from the end of our r/ss, we are left to pick up the pieces of our lives and figure out what we need for healing and happiness.

The exercise in the book is called "YOU ARE VALUABLE, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS". 

With or without a partner to engage you, you exist FULLY. 

1. What qualities do you possess?

2. What skills do you have?

3. What is it in your life that makes you most proud?

4. What do you find most attractive about yourself?

5. When are you most funny?

6. If you are a parent, what do you do well as a parent?

These are important questions to ask ourselves to help us remember who we are.  I'll go first.

[Pingo]

1. What qualities do you possess?

I am kind, compassionate, intelligent, creative with a good sense of humour.

2. What skills do you have?

I'm handy, I'm a good cook and I am good at my job (I'm a draftsman)

3. What is it in your life that makes you most proud?

My children

4. What do you find most attractive about yourself?

(This is a hard one) My compassion and empathy, my face 

5. When are you most funny?

Joking around with my kids

6. If you are a parent, what do you do well as a parent?

I'm good at validating their feelings, I am very affectionate and I don't hold grudges!

[Recooperating]

Here goes Pingo!

1. What qualities do you possess?

Im a good daughter, friend and sister. Always there for my friends. I'm smart, kind, caring and funny at times.

2. What skills do you have?

Im a good listener, very solution minded, before all this I was good at my job (account manager)

3. What is it in your life that makes you most proud?

That eventhough my exBPD tried everything to alienate me from my friends and family, the bond I have with them is rock solid. They have my back no matter what. They know who I am and didn't get fooled by his smear campaign. Years of investing (from both sides) in my relationshipds with them really paid off. I am so proud and thankfull of my friendships.

4. What do you find most attractive about yourself?

My kind loving heart. Im fairly attractive, no super model, but Im content

5. When are you most funny?

Being goofy with my friends. I have no problem with making an ass out of myself to have fun (not a big ego in that aspect). Doing goofy dances, saying goofy stuff.

6. If you are a parent, what do you do well as a parent?

I have the best dog ever and consider him my son. He's a bit of a medicall basket case and I try to take care of him any way I can. He's a cute little furball, very obedient and happy. He's the reason I smile every day!

[thatwasthat]

Time for some patting my own back! 

1. What qualities do you possess?

I'm kind, empathetic and thoughtful. I stand up for the people that I love. And I have an amazing sense of humor. I'm very interested in a wide variety of things. I don't take myself too serious and can laugh about myself.

2. What skills do you have?

I'm intelligent and very creative, I'm best when faced with problems. I'm reasonably good at painting.

Before al this happened I was a pretty successful and well respected athlete in my sport.


3. What is it in your life that makes you most proud?

That I always followed my dreams. I always went off the beaten path, even though it ended up in a disaster... .I moved to another continent for my BPDx.

I never discarded things as "dreams... ." I always did everything to make it happen.


4. What do you find most attractive about yourself?

Ha good one. I've been working out a lot lately. So I'm pretty happy with my body.

As a kid I was always teased with what people said was a "big nose." Funnily it has become one of the things I like most about myself (and the girls love it too, for whatever reason.  )


5. When are you most funny?

Situational humor and making fun of myself. I'm especially good at recounting "embarrassing" stories in a hilarious way.

[Mutt]

With or without a partner to engage you, you exist FULLY.

I agree and good exercise Pingo. Thank you!

1. What qualities do you possess?

Intelligence, compassionate, kind, empathic, perseverance, ambitious, sense of humour, creativity, wisdom, fairness, leader, patience.

2. What skills do you have?

Talented artist, technologically adept, great cook.

3. What is it in your life that makes you most proud?

Being a dad, my kids

4. What do you find most attractive about yourself?

Confidence, sense of humor, good looking guy, good shape for a man in his 40's

5. When are you most funny?

With my kids

6. If you are a parent, what do you do well as a parent?

Validation, flexibility, not afraid to show kids I make mistakes.

[vortex of confusion]

Thank you Pingo!

1. What qualities do you possess?

Loving, creative, intelligent, determined, versatile, very spirited

2. What skills do you have?

That's a hard one. I consider myself a jack of all trades but a master of none. Is versatility a skill? I can cook, change my own oil, fix stuff around the house, and problem solve rather well. I am not afraid to try new things and figure stuff out. If something needs done, I figure out a way to make it happen.

3. What is it in your life that makes you most proud?

My kids! I am so unbelievably proud of my kids.

4. What do you find most attractive about yourself?

This is a tough one as I can now say that I am twice the woman that I was when I met my husband.   I find it difficult to find anything attractive about myself so I will have to go with sense of humor and creativity. I had to edit to add this. I do find that I have a very warm spirit. There is something about me that other people tend to notice.

5. When are you most funny?

When I am with my kids!

6. If you are a parent, what do you do well as a parent?

Being human, problem solving, connecting with my kids, creativity, compassion, understanding

[Pingo]

I was thinking, wouldn't it be great if they asked these questions on dating sites?  Wouldn't it be refreshing to see honesty and integrity instead of the game-playing mumbo jumbo you usually find on there?

[Turkish]

.3. What is it in your life that makes you most proud?

This is an interesting question.

When I was a mentor for at-risk youth, the facilitator asked this question early in the program. Mentors got asked too, since we had to go through almost all of the exercises that the youth did. We were put on the spot in front of everybody too.

Many of the youth said that they were proud of their ethnicity, to which the coach replied, "did you have a choice in that? Weren't you just born into it? What that you have done are you proud of?"

Some of the older mentors answered, " I'm proud of my children." Or, "I'm proud that my kids are in college." The coach replied similarly, "isn't that their accomplishment though? Might not they have had something to do with that? What have you done that you are proud of?"

Though I could argue this last one somewhat, I saw her point.

With that in mind, I'll answer the question.

I'm proud that despite being one generation off the Indian reservation, being given up for adoption as a baby by an addict mother, thereafter being adopted by a single mother with depression and BPD, that I "made it."

I am proud that I did this without ever having taken advantage of my ethnicity (despite being encouraged by many to do so, including my mom), nor having taken advantage of my physical disability.

I am proud that I handled my situation with the mother of my children well (so says everybody, from my T, my lawyer, friends, even my tax guy), with the support of BPD Family (all here should be proud of yourselves for supporting each other).

The dad thing, yeah... .I'm proud to have the strength to be proactive enough to make an honrst effort to be a good father, and a better one when necessary. I'm additionally proud to be strong enough to not pick up those   of shame from my mom and my Ex when I make mistakes, and I do.

Last of all, I'm proud of all of you being here willing to open up and process yourselves.

No, wait, that's all of you...

[Pingo]

Turkish, thanks for that, you do have a lot to be proud of and you have been through a lot of challenges and difficult times throughout your life.  The strength and resilience we see on this board is inspiring.

In considering what I could be proud of that I own for my own accomplishment, I am proud of being a good mom and always trying to be better each day.  I am proud of going back to school and changing careers again at the age of 40.  I am proud of not running away from the pain of this BU and challenging myself to not numb, but 'feel'!  It has been a life-changing year!

[Tiepje3]

Thanks, this is one of the exercises my T gave me as well. It is always good to think about the positive qualities of yourself.

1. What qualities do you possess?

I am creative, fun to be with, caring, strong, positive

2. What skills do you have?

I'm very organised, never late for an appointment, a good cook and I learned to be flexible as well.

3. What is it in your life that makes you most proud?

My very funny and kind children. Going back to school at the age of 46 and getting good grades. Still standing after all the setbacks I encountered.

4. What do you find most attractive about yourself?

My smile and my eyes.

5. When are you most funny?

Telling stories with lots of non-verbal communication; throwing in the unexpected one-liner that make people laugh out loud.

6. If you are a parent, what do you do well as a parent?

We have an open communication, they trust me (and I trust them). We can interact on the same level, sometimes serious, sometimes goofing around, although I'm still their mom. We can talk about anything/everything and I raised them to be strong and independent and caring individuals.

I needed this, a good start of my day. Off to school now... .

[going places]

I contemplated putting this under 'personal inventory' but I thought us at this leaving board could use some objectivity.

I'm reading the book "Should I stay or should I go" by Lundy Bancroft.  I have already left but I thought I might find something useful in the book in retrospection which I have.

The chapter is about figuring out what our needs are, what our dreams and desires are.  This is difficult when we have lost our own identities trying to turn into a pretzel to please our SOs.  In reeling from the end of our r/ss, we are left to pick up the pieces of our lives and figure out what we need for healing and happiness.

The exercise in the book is called "YOU ARE VALUABLE, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS". 

With or without a partner to engage you, you exist FULLY. 

1. What qualities do you possess?

2. What skills do you have?

3. What is it in your life that makes you most proud?

4. What do you find most attractive about yourself?

5. When are you most funny?

6. If you are a parent, what do you do well as a parent?

These are important questions to ask ourselves to help us remember who we are.  I'll go first.

Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that"... .GREAT book.

1. My gifts are 'service, discernment". I can find the silver lining in ANY given situation.

I have a work ethic that is second to none. I am honest, and loyal as a puppy.

2. Hospitality industry for over 30 years. Mad guest service skills! I am a thinker; so I can 'figure' things out 99% of the time. What I can't figure out, I can work an extra shift to pay someone to 'figure it out' HA HA!

3. I am an amazing mother. I took my role very seriously, and even when I was being ridiculed for being a "heliocopter mom"... .the kids are amazing young adults now. They were my (and still are) my number one priority, and by spend the time and effort in raising them; they are amazing young adults.

So, most proud of my children.

4. My compassion and genuine concern for others.  My mind (when it's functioning properly!)

5. When I am relaxed, and in a safe surrounding. Then I can let my guard down a wee bit, and well... .I have always said "if I am nothing else, I am entertaining" (Smart assery type of humor)

6. Communicate.

2 of my 3 kids have wrecked their cars.

1 was because he was trying to squeeze out of the drive way / 1 was sliding in the snow trying to park (possibly going faster than he should in the first place)

1 was (more than likely) because she was listing to her music too loud, and NOT paying attention.

When the told me, I asked "are you ok"... .

Then I asked "walk me thru what happened"

Then I asked to see the damage.

Then I asked "what could you have done differently to have avoided this accident"?

I let them talk... .and the more then explained, the more they realized they were being tools... .and they need to be more responsible.

I let them know that they can make payments on the repairs; or they can sell some of their stuff on line to pay for the repairs.

I never raised my voice. Never "accused" them of anything.

Never lost my mind, lectured, ranted, raved, rolled my eyes, accused... .

I was young once too. I did stupid crap when I was a kid too.

But having THEM talk it out... .THEY realize when hearing themselves that THEY need to make adjustments.

It's awesome watching those little "light bulbs" light up over their heads.

Anyway, communication is everything in my eyes... .and I raised my kids that way.