ExpwBPD and rough sex

[Butterfly44]

Sorry, I know this is a bit of a random question but my exBPDgf always wanted really rough sex? She asked me many times to get really physical in bed but to do it "with love"? She even went so far as to ask me to "beat her up" in bed? I couldn't of course; it felt really wrong and I loved her so couldn't take any pleasure at all in doing the things she wanted me to do. Even more scary was I think any physical marks she had from our intimate time together were then used in her accusations of abuse later on to others. I think she then showed friends and family any marks to "confirm" I was abusive? I didn't touch her in any disrespectful way at all; I just couldn't but was then accused of being too "soft" with her.

Has anyone else experienced this facet and is it another trait of a pwBPD? I look back and it scares me to consider what all this was about? 

[Fluff]

Same here. It seems to be common.

I wonder where she picked up on it. If I've understood it my ex's first boyfriend was a psychopath/narcissist. It might have started there.

Do you know of any ex of your ex that might have started it?

[Butterfly44]

Hi Fluff,

I don't know to be honest. It was as if she was trying to reconcile the abuse she had suffered when she was younger? I know she was sexually abused as a teenager and it was as if I was being used to transform that abuse into something more loving? It was really hard on me because I didn't want to hurt her, I loved her but she seemed to go off into another world and would ask me to do things I just couldn't do. The saddest thing is, I know she used any marks she had from her version of lovemaking against me. When she had me falsely arrested for DV, the photos that were presented to me by the police with marks on her neck I know were from when we were last intimate. It really hurt me that she did that... .it's something that really haunts me. God knows what was going on in her head   

[clydegriffith]

Yes, the BPDx always wanted rough sex and she kind of got me addicted to her that way for a while. It's the only thing she's good at she darn sure uses it to her advantage.

[Butterfly44]

Yep, she seemed to really get off on goading me to treat her like crap in the bedroom. I thought I was up to it to simply please her but I just loved her too much? To be asked to punch her and slap her in a "loving way" was just too much for me. It made me feel awful? I tried to explain that in my mind this wasn't love but she'd then berate me for being too soft. All I can think is that she was somehow trying to turn her previous abuse into something that equated to love? It breaks my heart when I realise that this is how she sees "love".

[Infern0]

Mine liked to be "dominated" which was fine,  although on occasion she would want to take complete control,  also fine.

I was never asked to do anything too over the top but I would say that her appetites seemed to get stronger during her time with me. Previous she had only been with a lot of young kids who didn't really know what they were doing.

I served my apprenticeship as a NARC ' s plaything so I probably taught her some stuff

[BuildingFromScratch]

Mine asked me to pretend to rape her, then when I did she got upset. Told me to burn her, which I did and then I felt terrible. Told me to verbally abuse her and objectify her, which I did, then I got addicted to it because I had so much anger towards her from her hurting me constantly. Then she said she didn't like it. Honestly, I dunno what the hell she wanted and now I'm pretty messed up sexually myself. I shouldn't have gone along with any of that crap. It was my first time exploring sexuality with a woman in any sort of depth and I was just trying to go along and be open minded.

[workinprogress]

Looking back, I wish I just would have turned and ran away.

While we dated, my wife loved to be handled roughly during sex.  She would always ask me to "slam her."

It was fine sometimes, but it just wasn't right.

She also liked it during oral when I would shove her head down on me.  Sorry if too graphic.

I think it was my pride that made me stay.  I felt that I could stand out and make this little vixen all mine.  It was foolish.  But, we all know fools rush in... .

Then, after a few years of marriage, all the sex disappeared.

[hergestridge]

Did anyone besides me have the experience that the rough sex was only sometimes, and that all of a sudden you had to pretend like it had never been that way?

It was a total mind___ (pun not intended) because one day it was "I like it rough! That's the way I am and have always been!". Then the next week I did it the way she had told me she liked it and all of a sudden she was uncomfortable and asked me what was going on.

Of her changing identities, the "I like it rough"-girl was one of the rarer visitors in our house. Perhaps every 4-5 months. Alcohol brought her out more frequently, but still the stars had to be positioned right or something.

[Craydar]

Rough sex was the one PD trait that I was cool with. There was nothing like waking up feeling like I had been hit by a bus

[Fluff]

I can understand if someone wants to be dominated, in the sense that you're "leading the dance". Personally I prefer to f her while she f's me. Two active parts.

But I can't understand the degrading parts. What the f has happened to an animal that wants to be tied up and choked, etc etc?

I refused to enter that sadistic domain that she wanted me to, but I'm sure I'd eventually had done so if the relationship didn't end.