Anyone else finding the Xmas build up hard?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I know it's a month away but anyone else finding the whole Xmas build up hard? Can't help thinking this time last year it was all about him and 'us' and now he's with someone else, I'm surrounded by friends and family but miss him  even though I'm doing good and would never go back there.

[merlin4926]

I know it's a month away but anyone else finding the whole Xmas build up hard? Can't help thinking this time last year it was all about him and 'us' and now he's with someone else, I'm surrounded by friends and family but miss him  even though I'm doing good and would never go back there.

[Caredverymuch]

I know it's a month away but anyone else finding the whole Xmas build up hard? Can't help thinking this time last year it was all about him and 'us' and now he's with someone else, I'm surrounded by friends and family but miss him  even though I'm doing good and would never go back there.

Yes very much so and its quite normal to feel. Holidays emphasis so much about joy and togetherness.  The season in itself is about love.  I absolutely miss my ex and very much recall the splendor we shared together now gone. While I hold those memories, I have been fully erased. 

Such a cruel disorder.

Sending support and you have a great deal of such here with many who understand.

[hope2727]

Yes I am having a tough time with it. Last year we were busily making homemade gifts for everyone together and this year he is with the replacement. Meanwhile I am here picking up the pieces of my shattered heart. I just sobbed my eyes out to my god mother. I literally couldn't speak I was crying so hard. It been brutal and it isn't even December yet.

I have no idea how I am going to get through the next few months. I have Christmas, then my birthday then his birthday. Yup I am a wreck already. I just want to stop hurting. That sounds rather BPD doesn't it. Sigh. I miss him. I am sorry but i really miss him. I know he can't come home but I wish I could.

[fred6]

Last Xmas seems like is was 3-4 years ago compared to right now. So much has happened in the last 5-6 months, it's crazy.

[Hawk Ridge]

Thank you for starting this.  I have been so sad and people here get it.   I feel bad because I am jealous my replacement gets to spend this time with her, wishing she'd just come back before Christmas.   Struggling mightily with my jealousy.  Anybody have any hints as jealousy is so toxic and it messes with my faith and my self love.   Hints are very welcome.

[Deeno02]

Her? No. Her kids? Yes...

[7minds]

Hard is just not a strong enough word. I and my family have loved the holidays, lots of memories in a 36 year marriage. It's like someone wrote laughter, love, memories, holidays on a piece of beautiful paper then tore it into a bunch of little pieces. Mind you they weren't perfect or always good but it was a whole family. As I sit here writing this I look around and miss the pleasure of decorating, don't have the desire, the gathering of all the faces on both sides of our families, the planning together, turkey or ham, pumpkin pie or pecan. I feel like a piece of me has been sliced away with a carving knife! At 53 losing what was and finding strength to detach and face the future seems so overwhelming!

My faith has seen me through a lot and I'm not doubting that there will be good things, better things in my future. Just hurting right now.  :'(

[enlighten me]

To be honest no. I am feeling less stress. My exgf had a thing about my eldest sons and even though she said she wanted me to see them as much as possible she made it clear she was never happy when I did. Also I dont have the stress of finding her a present that she will like. No matter how well I thought I had done something would always be wrong. Then there was xmas dinner which was always stressful with her even though I love doing it and its my favourite meal of the year it was never enjoyable.

This year I have my eldest sons, no stress over presents and get to do a christmas feast that I will enjoy and so will my boys. Then chill out on the xbox with them not feeling guilty that I should be running around keeping her happy. Bliss.

[Popcorn71]

Last year it was a strange time for me.  I was upset that he was doing all the things with the replacement that I had wanted but he would not do, such as shopping, family trips out, etc.  However, I enjoyed the peaceful christmas that I had and it gave me time to think and compare with the previous years.

My ex caused trouble at christmas for the 9 years that I was with him, except the first year.  I love Christmas and it was like he could not bear to see me enjoy it.  He spent every christmas day sitting with a glum face and barely speaking to me or my kids, except to moan about something.  He wouldn't socialise unless it was with his friends and didn't even bother to get me a present.

I was told by a friend of his after we had split up that my ex's ex wife had said that he had spoilt every christmas for her too, by causing a row or being miserable.

So this year, I am actually happy that I don't have to put up with his moods anymore.  I am free to enjoy myself.  It amuses me that the replacement will probably have a very different christmas this year to what she is expecting based on last year.  Scrooge will arrive, instead of Santa Claus!

[Dutched]

Hard is just not a strong enough word. I and my family have loved the holidays, lots of memories in a 36 year marriage. It's like someone wrote laughter, love, memories, holidays on a piece of beautiful paper then tore it into a bunch of little pieces. Mind you they weren't perfect or always good but it was a whole family. As I sit here writing this I look around and miss the pleasure of decorating, don't have the desire, the gathering of all the faces on both sides of our families, the planning together, turkey or ham, pumpkin pie or pecan. I feel like a piece of me has been sliced away with a carving knife! At 53 losing what was and finding strength to detach and face the future seems so overwhelming!

My faith has seen me through a lot and I'm not doubting that there will be good things, better things in my future. Just hurting right now.  :'(

Of course! Although 4yrs out after 30+ yrs things never will be the same, never.

Gone are all family traditions, Christmas, birthdays, routines and habits within the house. No more shopping together and drinking a taking a relaxed coffee break on a terrace.  

Despite any dysfunction, your mate is gone, the one closed to you. No more wisdom, no more back up, no joined joys and pains.  

Bonds with the family of ex are broken, suddenly after decades. So no more celebrations and outgoings. Friends will choice a side. Social gatherings become “different”, going to parties alone, activities/ one must attend alone.

Couples socialize with couples. We used to see places with friends/family couples, no more. One is a third wheel, so the social circle shrinks.    

Having a S and D (although I lost her in the process too…), my S must split himself up. Besides me, there is “mom” and the family of his gf.  

Last yr he wrote on social media  ‘nice Xmas meals and smiling to pretend my happiness’ .

Breaks my hart again, despite the effort I do to prepare a special Christmas meal for the 2 of us.

[Earthbayne]

Her birthday is a week before Christmas. Last year, I got her gifts for her birthday and then on Christmas, some more... .only to be met with: "We said we weren't doing anything for Christmas, so I didn't get you anything."

I won't miss that. I won't miss the negativity she had during the season. She ruined it for me last year, as well as New Year's Eve.

I'm actually optimistic about this Christmas.

[harbour]

Yes! I want to vanish, disappear, all of December. We have been a couple for 8 months. I broke up with him in a letter I sent him two days ago. Haven't heard from him. Feel as if I stabbed a knife into his and my own heart. He loves Christmas and couldn't wait till December. We had planned to do all the Christmas things together. We had invited my old mother for Christmas. She adores him (she doesn't know anything at all about his BPD and the problems). Two weeks ago he gave her an expensive birthday present, three tickets (for the three of us) for the Christmas ballet at the Royal Theatre the evening before Christmas Eve. I feel like a monster. Cruel. I regret that I didn't wait breaking up till after New Year. But if I did, I would have deceived him. I love him, but I had become too scared of his rage. He has been violent to his former female partners. I wish I could just sleep and not wake up until after New Year.

[Left broken and confused]

It is so comforting to be part of this group and even though I feel I'm alone in my feeling most of the time. I am really not there are other people feeling the way I do. I am really thankful for this group and all the wonderful members, thank you all

[Alex86]

Last Christmas we were together. She "taught" me how to celebrate Christmas. All the energy and idolization.

My birthday is near then. She had bought me a coat. I can't wear it, I feel all the memories again.

I have already started to feel bad and anxious about getting a message.

[Lolster]

The only thing that slightly concerns me is that he may try and break NC if he is feeling low and is alone.  Currently at 4 months NC and it was only a fleeting recycle of a previously short relationship years prior.  Following the first break up he did reach out the following holidays (months later).  Think he's feeling way too shamed this time around.  Hopefully he will have found someone else to pester!

[Indyan]

Yes, our son's first Xmas, it should have been a fantastic time together.

Instead, I'm going to have to find a way to be allowed to spend Xmas with my son (almost 1 yr old), as I'm having my D10 this year with me too.

And he will spend Xmas with his sick family, that's all he deserves.

[Deeno02]

Last Christmas we were together. She "taught" me how to celebrate Christmas. All the energy and idolization.

My birthday is near then. She had bought me a coat. I can't wear it, I feel all the memories again.

I have already started to feel bad and anxious about getting a message.

I threw everything out. Everything. 5 shirts, 2 cups. All gone to the donation bin.

[Earthbayne]

She had bought me a coat. I can't wear it, I feel all the memories again.

Funny you say that.

She got me a watch in October for my birthday. I haven't worn it since I broke up with her. I feel like it has bad juju. Anything she has given me has either been thrown out or not used.

[LuckyEscapee]

Funny, mine bought me nothing so I didn't have anything to throw out.

I did change my surroundings though. Moved the furniture, different throws and bedding etc. I guess I was reclaiming my space back.

Here is something that helped me back in the day, and was recommended by someone who had used it to help them before me…

These relationships are exhausting, arduous, and mind-screwing, but they occupy us 24/7 and so whilst we are adjusting, we feel a little at a loose end, especially at Christmas time. Someone recommended putting a box together of good stuff to ‘get around to’ and enjoy – a good book, magazines, DVD Box Sets, games, wine, nice beer, scented candle, recipes, etc.

Whenever I was feeling a little lost, I would go to my box for company or distraction. The joy of watching something that I LIKED without having the accompanying debate was and still is great. I don’t have to be judged if I fall asleep half way through a movie anymore, or want to read a bestseller rather than something ‘intellectually challenging”.

Please think of this Christmas instead as you being gifted with… Serenity, Calmness, Honesty, Straightforwardness. Think of it as a mind and body vacation.

You deserve it!

[Vatz]

Last xmas was a blur. I don't remember it. I *think* she got me something, but I don't recall. I remember getting her something for her though. It arrived late, it was a game for her DS. She played it once. I read reviews, did research and thought "this seems like something she'd enjoy." I knew she was particular about the sort of games she liked and I really took the time to get this one for her. She probably got me something thoughtful and I don't remember because I probably threw it out.

I think I have only one of her gifts. It's a hat. My thought is, if the "next" person I end up with thinks I'm cute when I wear it, it's a good sign. I know, it sounds kind of weird. But I like the darn hat and have grown attached to it, I rather someday have better associations with it.

This Xmas, the one I'll be spending alone? Might just go to a party.