How to settle unsettled matters, when there is NC after break-up?

[harbour]

I broke up with my BPDbf 4 days ago after 8 months together. We had planned things for December, visits, concerts, agreed to spend Christmas together at my place, invited my old mother etc. And then I dropped the bomb. Sent him a letter telling him that it is over, and that I didn't feel safe telling him face to face, explaining how his rage scares me. There has been no recycling at all in this relationship. It was very unexpected, for me too. I just suddenly reached my limit, or realized (even though it was still great most of the time, and I love him) that the bad things would only escalate, and I would gradually lose myself, if I stayed, and it would be more and more difficult for me to get out of it. It was like a piercing cry from within, a warning, as I stood there taking his rage for the sixth or seventh time. I could not ignore that. So it was like I was forced to choose. And it hurts more that I can tell breaking up with him that way and so suddenly.

Now, I don't know how to handle this:

I have got three tickets, his birthday present for my mother, for a ballet at the Royal Theatre the evening before Christmas. They were for the three of us. Now that I broke up with him my mother prefers to spend Christmas with me at her place (300 km. away). The tickets were expensive (300 $). He was always very generous, though his income is low. I would like him to have the tickets, but I don't know how to return them to him. I mean, I don't want to trigger him, offend him or hurt him more than necessary.

I have also got a lot of his stuff at my place. Books, CD's, clothes etc. I know that he treasures many of these things. In my letter I suggested that I could maybe take his things to S (a place nearby), and he could pick it up there at an appointed time. Or he could make somebody come and pick it up at my place.

I haven't heard a word from him (yet).

Do you have any suggestions?

[fred6]

I would just drop his stuff off like you suggested and he can pick it up at his convenience. Or conversely, if you know his address you could just mail it back to him. As far as the tickets go, I'm not sure what to tell you. I would probably return them ASAP. At least that way he would have a little time to resell them and not lose all of their value. Either way, it's probably best to resolve it as quickly as possible. Since these things are unresolved, I don't think breaking NC is that big a deal. Just go NC once you get these things resolved quickly.

[maternal]

There will likely never be an settlement of these matters.  You'll just have to chalk it up to a great life lesson and handle your business for yourself and by yourself.  Call it "Life Tuition."

[Elpis]

I was reading a really interesting article on here about disengaging from a partner with BPD, and for my understanding No Contact isn't as much about never ever being in any kind of contact as it is about us learning to emotionally detach from the situation.

So it's honestly your call. He lost the money and the relationship because he couldn't/wouldn't control his emotions. (great call on your part!) So you could send the stuff back or not. Him not getting it back is simply a consequence of his own actions, but if you want him to have the tickets etc. could you mail them?

Remember that you are experiences some pretty big losses yourself... .you sound like somebody with excellent instincts, so listen to them and decide what you want to do.

You're my hero at the moment--it took me 38 years of marriage to finally let the rages scare me off!

[Faith1520]

That's tough. It's hard enough having to think about the things you had planned to do together, but having to deal with tickets is even worse.

I had purchased tickets to an event that I luckily ended up selling for a discounted price. In your situation I think I would send them ASAP in the mail, that way he can try to sell them if he wants. As far as trying to avoid triggering him, it may be a lost cause no matter what you do. I think sending them back, maybe with a nice (short) note, would be very big of you. No mentally healthy person would take offense to that. Sometimes all you can do when dealing with his disorder is do your best and cross your fingers.

As for the belongings, if you're comfortable meeting your ex (in a public location, like you mentioned) then I think that's fine. I probably don't have to tell you not to expect his cooperation or a rational response. I tried politely telling my ex I'd drop off his stuff at his place (outside the door) and he said he'd call the police if I came. I never went because I don't know what he's capable of. The only important thing I still have is a key to his place which I'm going to send in the mail.

I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope you can get everything sorted out sooner than later!

[harbour]

Thanks a lot!

I thought it was best to wait for some time before I did anything, but now I think you are right that the best thing is to somehow get his stuff back to him as soon as possible. And I will send the tickets with a note that says that I had been thinking what to do with the tickets, and that I would like him to have them.

You're my hero at the moment--it took me 38 years of marriage to finally let the rages scare me off!

Well, I am a little proud of myself. But I feel more like "lucky". You see, if I had met him 30-35 years ago (I'm 61), I am afraid that I had not been able to get out of it after 8 months. I would have stayed in it for years. Even now it is extremely hard. I have been sitting here at this board every day for many hours, reading, reading, writing, writing for the last two weeks. And that has been tremendously helpful. I believe that I will make it. Because I have become too much aware of what is and has been going on in this sick relationship to go back. I see the changes from when we started till now. And the last few weeks I noticed an expression on his face I have not seen before. That's when he paints me black. He started doing that about 6 months ago. But I hadn't seen this sinister look on his face before. That was really scary. I know that if I go back that would mean that I would literally give up myself and my life. Still it is hard. I have to remind me all the time why I left him.

I feel uncertain about what his silence means. Do I have a reason to be afraid he might harm me? Has he shut off his feelings for me? Is he already with another woman? I don't know. It makes me shiver that he is still controlling me (inside my head) after I left him.

When I read your stories, from you who have been in such a relationship for many years, I feel so deeply sorry for what you have been through, and are going through.

[fred6]

Thanks a lot!

I thought it was best to wait for some time before I did anything, but now I think you are right that the best thing is to somehow get his stuff back to him as soon as possible. And I will send the tickets with a note that says that I had been thinking what to do with the tickets, and that I would like him to have them.

You're my hero at the moment--it took me 38 years of marriage to finally let the rages scare me off!

Well, I am a little proud of myself. But I feel more like "lucky". You see, if I had met him 30-35 years ago (I'm 61), I am afraid that I had not been able to get out of it after 8 months. I would have stayed in it for years. Even now it is extremely hard. I have been sitting here at this board every day for many hours, reading, reading, writing, writing for the last two weeks. And that has been tremendously helpful. I believe that I will make it. Because I have become too much aware of what is and has been going on in this sick relationship to go back. I see the changes from when we started till now. And the last few weeks I noticed an expression on his face I have not seen before. That's when he paints me black. He started doing that about 6 months ago. But I hadn't seen this sinister look on his face before. That was really scary. I know that if I go back that would mean that I would literally give up myself and my life. Still it is hard. I have to remind me all the time why I left him.

I feel uncertain about what his silence means. Do I have a reason to be afraid he might harm me? Has he shut off his feelings for me? Is he already with another woman? I don't know. It makes me shiver that he is still controlling me (inside my head) after I left him.

When I read your stories, from you who have been in such a relationship for many years, I feel so deeply sorry for what you have been through, and are going through.

Let us know how it goes harbour 

[Elpis]

No way, Harbour! i'm 61 too!

Ahh the wisdom the years brings. I'm so glad you spotted the       and got out.

The silent thing doesn't seem to be unusual in these relationships. For some it seems to mean they're punishing you for not doing what they wanted, for others it means out of sight, out of mind and they've moved on. It's pretty individual.

But wow, it's so great you know enough about what a good relationship should be that it felt wrong. i'll be smarter if I ever dare to have another relationship after this rodeo!